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I’m so tired
All the time
I see the memes
But do they see my mind

And my body’s heavy
I feel so weak
I am so tired
I want to sleep

I sleep for hours
It’s not enough
I sleep until
The sun comes up

And sleep again
And nap midday
Until another
Day’s away

Am I burnt out
Am I depressed
For all this laying
In my bed

Am I anaemia
Vitamin deficient
My thoughts are fuzzy
With indecision

I up my pills
And sleep some more
Take B12 and D
And more

I just want
To feel refreshed
So until then
I will just rest
I drink your love
Taste it on my lips
Feel it move down
my oesophagus

Is this it?
I don’t know.
Cause I can smell a candle
And not know it’s name

And I think of our future
And I’m happy
And in pain

I don’t know who you are
To me yet
I’m at a piano
And I love the sound I just
Cant remember how to play
Sometimes the image you have of some people is worth more than who they actually are.

I was in love with the image of him, being strong and beautiful and perfect in his work, and confident and socially capable and interested in me. I loved that version of him and he didn’t live up to who I thought he was, and I have to let it go.

Some say hearing voices is delusional. But here I am still perceiving what is not there. So I guess we are insane in the ways that keep us sane.
I am the toxic one
The toxic friend the toxic girl the one
That makes me overthink and drive away
The ones I love

It’s me I am the toxic thing
Inside my head, inside my brain
The one that’s walking me and leading me
To pictures causing pain

The photos that you post online
It’s toxic that I type the words
to know exactly where to find you
In my eyes images burn

Into my dreams, my toxic dreams
Of this sick competitive spiel
That drives me to my hopes
And sticks to all things that are dear

I can’t believe that you stopped talking to me
I can’t believe how bad I feel
And all the while you do not think of me
As much as I do, clearly

Otherwise you’d text and message me
You’d wonder who I am
I just wonder if you see my pictures
I wonder if you see my band

Oh god I like these posts of cutting
all toxicity, be free,
but it is me
I’m the toxic thing that’s lurking in your past

And while I hope that we might talk one day
And become toxic friends
Even though I tried before
And it didn’t make amends

I can’t stop thinking about you, really
Even passively inhaling
All the glitter that escapes your skin
The makeup you are wearing

God, it’s me. I am the toxic thing
The thing that makes you run.
I’m the thing that people warn you of
stay clear, she is no fun.

I’m the monster in the dark
I am miss havisham I guess
Walking round this dusty mansion
In my torn up wedding dress

I am so stupid for believing
Years I’ve waited holding on
To the hope that friends once made
Will be there forever young

But I am clingy, I am weird
They mostly spit on me and swear
But even friends with back hand compliments
Just leave me in despair

But it is me
I am the toxic thing
My actions are just bad
And subjectively the role I play
In your story is sad

I’m the villain
I’m the spooky one
That won’t leave you alone

Because some ****** up reasons
Dumb attachment
Makes me hate alone

So there it is.
No more dreams of you
I cannot bear the sight.
You remind me that
I am a ****** up creature
In the light

So I am the toxic one.
Not just to you what you to me.
So I’ll write my therapy
And go to sleep just leave me be
There is a reason guys don’t tell you
So early how they feel
Because feelings take a while to grow
A while to feel real

I knew somebody once who talked for hours
And flirted till the sun
Went down in the sky and birds awoke
Made me feel like someone

And everything he said
The way I blushed
The way he made me feel
Just so special like I had been seen
As beautiful and real

Was a fairytale, a tactic
a ploy of nothing more
Because he didn’t call again
Not once, he must have just been bored

So maybe there’s a reason people wait
To say how they feel
To say it quickly is too sickly sweet
A bandaid rip, when you should peel

And although in short term arrangements
The high of being wanted
Is enough to make me feel happy
At least till they absconded

In the long term things are steady
And they slowly build it up
And it can feel like you’re drowning
Or it can feel like liquid luck

And it depends on how you see it
And how honest you both are
Because things don’t come too quickly
And now that we’re apart

I think it’s different, for guys
To express the way they feel
Faking depth is too easy when
The words aren’t from a real

Deep feeling or connection
And that is all I want
So I won’t settle for addiction
And I will work on love.
thelemonpolice Dec 2020
Christmas Eve doesn’t feel like Christmas Eve
It’s been a strange year for me
And for everyone really

I’m lucky in so many ways to have been affected minimally physically and mentally

In some ways it’s played in my favour
And this time last year I was so sad

But it’s honestly hard to tell the difference
Comparing now and then

Because I still feel much more than I think
Some people feel

I’m not sure how i feel about people anymore
It seems once I get what I’ve asked for it comes with its own consequences and challenges

But nobody wants to be alone right?
I can’t keep getting high on validation from guys
On the other end of the line, right?

But I am better now and better still ahead
And much more work to do and much more steps to tread

But every hobby turns into chores
And every person just gets bored

Of me and all my insecurities
It’s only time that knows who”ll leave me

And that’s just another flaw to all my thinking
All my thoughts that I believe in.

There has to be a better way to get rid of that feeling
But it seems like no matter how much I tip the jar,
Honey just won’t flow out
thelemonpolice Dec 2020
I can be two things at the same time
I can drink water and wine
I can pretend that it’s fine
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