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Dec 2021 · 30
SEND THEM HOME
Will he think of me?
Every face I've made?
Every morning's goodbye kiss,
And every night's I love you's that he'd miss?
Will he think of his brethren?
Those standing next to him?

When his job is to lay on the grenade,
And all you want is him out of harms way.
You begin to pray.
May God protect every man and woman who protects me.
And send mine home to me every time.
Dec 2021 · 286
MilSpo
How bad can it be?
"Wait until they're on deployment, then you'll see!"
Well, now he is going to leave...
What was it I was supposed to see?

I think I figured out what I would see.
The empty sheets next to me.
The missing keys and boots.

The honey-brown eyes that smiled at me.
The whispered "I love you"s and "goodnight"s.
His hand no longer clasped in my own.
And the painful realization that I have to spend my nights alone.
Dec 2021 · 54
If They Died
If they died what would you do?
I cry when they leave and sometimes when they're right next to me.
So maybe if they died I wouldn't have tears to cry.
No that's not right.
I'd cry all day and all night until I was dry.
Until my face was tight and my eyes and throat sore.
I'd spend a lot of time in bed.
If they died.

If they died? I'd die too.
Only my death won't require my heart to stop beating,
Or my lungs to stop breathing.
Only my death will allow me to still feel the pain of desire.
The need of contact that can no longer be satisfied.
I'll still see them everywhere that the space is empty.
But I'll never get to embrace them again.
Never to kiss, or hug, or play with their hair.
You see if they died...
I'd be nothing but a shell.
Because the rest of me would be buried with them.
Dec 2021 · 148
Never
Everyone thinks "ah, it'll never happen to me"
A tragic accident.
Thank god, it'll never happen to me.
An unthinkable loss.
Man, if that ever happened to me...
A joyride gone wrong.
A day that never ends.
A fatal diagnosis.
A single doubt that takes out balance.
But that will never happen to me.
Right?
I guess we'll wait and see.
Dec 2021 · 33
Dropping Out
it is not 'failing' you see,
but instead more like taste testing...

I tried it, I gave it a chance
I put forth effort yet
No matter how many times you taste the same ingredient over again
If you do not like it that fact won't change.
Dec 2021 · 215
Adieu
Hello, nice to meet someone I'll never meet again.
Oh HI, hello, nice to see you, so good to meet you.
Yet I'm more excited to say goodbye.

Adieu to you.
Dec 2021 · 40
Dear Little Girl
To my younger self.                                      
You will struggle.
You will fail.
You will fall.
But don't you ever give up.

In years to come, you will struggle with less.
Be loved more.
And get up faster.

If you knew then what you know now.
This stage you're going through wouldn't be so hard.
When you feel lost in the world and hopeless.
Remember these words I tell you now.

You will be where you are meant to be.
You will be with who you are meant to be with.
And *******, you will succeed.
Why?
Because: You. Never. Gave. Up.
Dec 2021 · 1.1k
Gone So Fast
I knew that this time would come,
but I didn't think I would feel so **** glum.
As I pack my things, in clear plastic bins.
I look back at what I've done and where I've been.
I only wish I had more time
Nov 2021 · 88
Game of Life
I used to believe that my life,
would be like a choose your own adventure book.
Where I would make a decision on page one,
and multiple throughout my chapters.

I have found that life is less of this chapter book,
and more like the board game life.
You draw a card every round but it's always predetermined.
You do not make choices on every page but five or six the entire game.
Job or school?
Risky or safe?
Family or continue?
But those cards you draw you are stuck with.
The bad ones and the good.

In hindsight, you do get something from what you cannot control.
100k life bucks, but is it enough?
Not when you're no longer playing on the board,
but living your own life.
You do not get the reward at the end to see who won.
But life lessons instead.

As much as I wish life was a choose your own adventure,
it seems more like a game played as a child.
If my life was like one of those books though,
I hope at the end of my book,
the choices I made lead to the best possible me.
Since there are no life bucks and no winners in this game.
I hope my life is worth it in the end.
Nov 2021 · 382
Dead?
I've never wanted to die.
But I don't want to continue this life.
Not when this life is barely surviving.
A life of just surviving isn't living.
So if I'm not living, am I already dead?
Nov 2021 · 43
Untitled
I'm sorry I can't help your depression
But I'm dealing with mine.
Nov 2021 · 492
Life is
Undoubtfully Beautiful and so Painfully Fleeting.
Oct 2021 · 35
Lost (DRAFT)
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
Oct 2021 · 227
It Comes In Threes
One:
March
A son, a brother.
Ended his story early.
Two:
July
A daughter, a mother.
Fought a battle she couldn't win.
Three.
October
A sister to #2, a daughter.
Causes unknown.

They say it comes in threes,
So lord please let us be.
Sep 2021 · 166
Peaceful
When you're gone...
It's lonely, I'm very lonely but it's peaceful.
I would take peaceful over not feeling lonely Every. Single. Day.
I wish I believed that it would all work out in the end.

I wish I didn't feel so alone in a crowd of people I know.
Sep 2021 · 31
Loved
The way I love you is beyond words.
But your smile gives me joy,
Your laugh plays in mind all day,
and your smell eases me to sleep.

Your insecurities don't show to me
like they do for you.
I just see the beauty in your eyes,
the way your body heat envelops me.
The way we fit so perfectly,
and how seemingly perfect you are.

I love you not despite your flaws.
But I love you with your flaws.

I can love you so tremendously,
Yet believe I am incapable of being seen the same way.
Why do we love endlessly,
And believe that we aren't worthy of love.
If you can love..
You can be loved.
You are already.
Sep 2021 · 39
Lost
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
Sep 2021 · 339
Therapy
Who needs therapy?
Not me.
Not when writing is free.
Sep 2021 · 42
Ending
The world is on fire.
The world is underwater.
If the world is ending,
I hope it does soon.

If the world is ending,
Why are we still moving?
Why go to work or school?
Why continue to live this same day
over and over and over again
just for it to be the last?

If the world is ending,
I want my last day to be known.
So I can sit in the sun, hammock,
and pretend I am having fun.
If the world is ending,
I do not want to continue this in vain.
And if the world ends,
I hope humans cease to exist.
Maybe then the Earth can be Fixed.

I wonder how long the world will last.
I wonder how long I will last.
Because we all know.
The world is ending, and fast.
Aug 2021 · 205
Not Good Enough
I am working so hard.
I know I'm doing enough.
Everyone's impressed that I'm doing well.
There's no way I won't make it.

A 6.5 will get me in.
I have a 6.71.
Trying so hard, and doing so much.
Oh look, I didn't make the cut.

Denied.
Rejected.
Failed.
I guess I am not good enough.

After so much work I want to give up.
My heart, my soul, my life, and even mental health were sacrificed.
Just so I can be told it wasn't enough.
Can I just give up if I am not enough?
If I do my best, and I make the deadlines and meet requirements,
Why in the world are you telling me:
"Not Good Enough."?
Aug 2021 · 143
Tired
I wish I could tell you,
Just how tired I am.
But the word tired is not strong enough.
Exhaustion would make it sound as if I had been running marathons.
Yet even sitting in my room all day,
I am exhausted by noon.

The moment I awake in the morning
With the sun rising, the warmth on my skin
and butterflies flying, birds chirping away the day.
As soon as I open my eyes to the trees in view,
I am tired again.

I can sleep all night and never make a sound.
I could sleep like a rock, and still.
I am so tired.

I am tired when I am alone
and I am drained when I am not.
I am tired of fighting myself all day long.
I am tired of being tired.

Even though I want to say hello,
I am too tired to engage.
I am too tired to stand up for myself,
or interject to correct.
I am sorry my being tired gets in the way.

It gets in the way every single day.
Aug 2021 · 121
Not Trying Enough
I know you're trying,
But your trying hurts just as much.
Jul 2021 · 310
Tired
I'm tired, I say.
But didn't you say you were depressed?
Why yes, I am depressed.
But more than that I am tired.
Tired because I have been so depressed for so long.
Long enough that it took death for you to understand my level of depression.
I'm tired of being sad and disappointing.
I'm tired of feeling sluggish and not caring.
I can no longer cry because I'm so tired.
And I am tired of being tired
Jul 2021 · 29
Untitled
I am ready to sleep now.
It been a long day.
I can not longer stay awake.
As I close my eyes tonight,
I feel at peace. It would be the best sleep ever.
But I did not know it would be eternal.
Jun 2021 · 50
Away
"I would never miss your wedding!"
Too bad it wasn't your choice to make.
If only we had it earlier today.
Before you had been taken away.
Jun 2021 · 498
Beautiful Morning
It's a beautiful morning.
"But it's been raining most of it."
It's a beautiful sunny day.
"But I have news that will ruin today."

A mother ripped from her infant, and three other young children.
A mother who will never get to see her children get married or graduate.
A mother who had fought and won battles her entire life.
Finally lost.

It's a beautiful morning to send her on her way.
Now, instead of rain, family tears will pave the way.
Jun 2021 · 319
Happy
I love seeing happy.
The way eyes light up with joy and smiles spread.
The feeling of weightlessness and comfortable warmth.
I just wish I could see it on me.
I vie to feel that feeling once again.
May 2021 · 180
I Could
I could write a rhyme,
Because that wont take much time.
Or I could write a song,
This way you could sing along.
May 2021 · 139
What Lies Ahead?
I am so inexplicably scared for what lies ahead.
This is too specific of a dread.
What I do not know could **** me,
Yet I don't have a clue what I don't know.

I am sorry.
I can't imagine what my life could be.
Let alone what it looks with both you and me.
May 2021 · 50
Unclear
I am having such a hard time.
My life is young and I have decades to decide
How I exactly want my life.
But I cannot imagine my life past today.
I can only imagine my life this way.

I cannot imagine myself with grey hairs.
I cannot imagine my husband and children in my house.
I cannot even imagine the house we would call home.
I cannot answer the typical questions:
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Logically I know that I would be graduated.
I would be married by then,
And even living with my husband.
Yet my answer is "just like I am today."

I cannot see, imagine, or fathom my life after today.
Yet I have always planned for it anyway.
My future is so unclear to me
And so thank you, for seeing me in yours.
Quarter-life crises are where it's at
May 2021 · 30
Not Enough
My brother is the epitome
Of doing just barely enough.

My sister is the epitome
Of not giving a ****.

I am the epitome
Of growing up too fast and taking on too much.

Yet I am not enough.
Apr 2021 · 449
Untitled
You may not be a bad guy
But you are the bad guy
Mar 2021 · 134
Stupid
This is stupid.
Just breathe.

This is stupid.
Just smile.

This is stupid.
But I cannot fight it off.
This feeling of hatred and disgust.

This is stupid.
But I avoid mirrors.
Because the red marks are too much to handle.
I can't look at my body the way you do.
Do you embrace me because of my "beauty" or is it your pity?

This is stupid.
But I cannot stop myself from crying.

This is stupid.
Becuase I know we are all worthy of love and respect.
I know we all deserve clothes that fit our own body.
I know that fat and beautiful do not exist separately.
But I cannot shake the feeling that I am the exception.
So ******* Stupid
We have to try and love ourselves at all points in our lives. Even when that's hard.
Mar 2021 · 244
Untitled
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
The way I see your eyes light up with excitement.
The way you smile naturally.
The warmth that radiates from your love.
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
Because then you could see the many reasons why.
Why I love you.
Mar 2021 · 740
Untitled
The wind is in your face.
It's cool and the sun is warm against your skin.
Your hair is just barely blowing in the wind behind you.
The trees are green and the grass stands at attention for you.
The fluffy clouds dance above you as the squirrels scramble.
The flowers are in bloom and colors surround you.
The serenity envelops you and all cares fly away.
Because for at least today you can be one with nature.
Mar 2021 · 35
No Big Deal
I have a problem.
You see, I am that type of person.
The type of person who cannot handle their own issues.
And pushes them to the side burner.
I ignore my own problems to help others with theirs,
and they never have a clue that my *** of problems is causing a fire right in front of their eyes.

I am the type of person who can smile as if my world isn't crumbling around me.
So that you can unload your problems onto me.
I have a problem.
Where I do not think my problems are issues
and they do not need to be addressed.
Simply because I tell myself "It's really not that bad."
and
"Others have it worse."

I am the friend that everyone goes to but sometimes,
I want to be left alone.
So that maybe I can deal with my own *** of problems.
A lot of people, myself included, ignore their own issues and invalidate them. Try to correct that if you are one of those people because your issues are JUST as valid as someone elses. I am good at telling other people their valid but not myself, I often use a plate analogy. Some people have paper plates and some have plastic and some have glass. If you continue to pile things onto your plate, that paper plate will break and then the plastic and then the glass. Just because you plate is stronger, doesn't mean that what is on it doesn't matter. And vise versa, just because your plate is paper and breaking fast while other's are fine, that does not mean that you're defective. It just means you need a new plate and often times we get a plate from someone else. (Therapy, support, etc.)
Mar 2021 · 38
Trying to float
Everyone says I'm thriving.
When really I am drowning
just barely making ends meets
Rushing and rushing and pushing and pushing
finally done
except I'm not.
It's never done it's never over
and I have to keep pushing
when all I want to do is sleep.

And nobody really knows
just how much I'm trying to float
but its doesn't really matter
because even if they knew,
there'd be nothing they could do.

So I just have to keep pushing
until next week,
next week will be better
but then next week comes.
And I tell myself I just have to get through this week.
Next week will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.
Except it won't.
Feb 2021 · 46
His Arms
Its been a long day,
so excruciatingly hard.
I've been put through the ringer and back
In this never ending day.
Now that its coming to a close
I cant wait to go home and be in his arms.

The warm embrace that awaits me is what keeps me going.
The safety and smell within his arms
Is all I have wanted all day.
I finally get home,
To remember I am alone.

Because his arms are occupied these days.
Feb 2021 · 32
Untitled
I can not try anymore.
I'm ready to give up,
because this is too tough.
So I cannot try anymore.

                          I cannot try anymore.
                          I'm experiencing burnout,
                          And still not doing enough.
                          So I cannot try anymore.

I have no more to give.
This has ****** the life out of me.
Between the pandemic and life,
Work and school,
I am spread way too thin.
So I cannot try anymore.
Feb 2021 · 209
The Weight Dilemma
I need to lose weight
But I need to love me for who I am
I need to lose weight
But I deserve clothes that fit my body now
I need to lose weight
But I need to be happy the way I am.
Feb 2021 · 40
Untitled
I thought that I was fine.
Thought I was too tough to cry.
Until I slept alone that first night.

Every time my head laid on the pillow,
My eyes burned no matter how long they were closed.
Every time I looked around, I realized just how alone I was.
I laid crying my eyes out that night.

It was the first time but it wont be the last.
Jan 2021 · 473
Graduation
I was always so mad that you wouldn't be able to see me graduate with my class.
I did'nt have to worry about that though, since we graduated alone.
Jan 2021 · 96
Untitled
In a world of good versus evil
Where the evil believe they're good
and the good believe they are the good ones
Which one are you?
Jan 2021 · 517
Milspo
"You signed up for this."
"You knew what you were getting into."
"You knew it was going to be hard.
So stop crying."

It is easier said than done.
When half my heart is gone.
Jan 2021 · 50
Untitled
I sit alone in my car
and the music is blaring
so I can scream all the lyrics
soaked with the pain I'm feeling
Jul 2020 · 351
To be a Woman
What is it like to be woman?

We hold power.
But we also hold fear.

Power of distraction.  
Fear of rejection.

A man may never understand
That on the way to a predominantly male scene,
We plan our argument.
In case we are disregarded because our *******.
In case they look at our little brother to answer questions
About our own cars.

A man will never understand what it is like.
To be told to wait til you’re married.
“Your husband might want kids.”

A man will never understand what it is like.
The fear ripping through our veins as we walk alone.
Especially at night, our keys between our fingers ready to strike.  
He will never understand what it is like.

To be a woman.
To be female.

And a woman will never understand what is it like.
To be a man.
To be male.
Jun 2020 · 52
Untitled
I am ready for bed.
I am ready to sleep.
Please let me Rest In Peace.
I was so focused on the Ball.
I was always told to keep my eyes on the ball.
I was ready for it, I was more than ready.
The ball came to me fast, spinning in the air,
I held the bat tightly.
Three
Two
One
Swing.

I was watching the ball so long.
It flew in the air, pride swelled within me.
It was an air-ball, gone in the wind.
I was finally achieving what everybody wanted.

I watched the ball so long that I didn't notice everybody had packed up and left.
I watched the ball so long,
I didn't see the virus coming my way,
I didn't see masks being put on right in front of my face.
I watched the ball so long,
I didn't know the game was over.
It hadn't even Started and yet we had lost.

I had watched the ball too long.
I missed everything else.
Freshman year:
"Creepy-Crusty Freshman"
We thought we had it together,
but everyone else knew.
We were just beginning,
We were separate, naive and secluded.

Sophomore year:
Forgotten students.
Not ready for college
Yet not a new baby to coddle,
We were simple floating and following the beaten path.

Junior Year:
Most stressful endeavors
ACTs, SATs, AP tests
Do good they said,
Prepare for senior year,
"It goes by fast"
So do this and do that, but don't do that.

Senior Year:
Apply for colleges!
Don't be late! Meet the deadlines!
Senioritis.
We wanted it to go by fast and they said it would, and it did.
So fast that our last day was March 16th
Instead of May 22nd
We had no idea that we would never say a proper goodbye,
that we would never throw our caps to fly high,
that we would never dance to tacky music for the last time at our 'senior prom'
We had no idea what senior year would be.
But we now know what it was not.
It was not easy
not simple or complete,
straight-forward or whole,
Not ordinary and certainly not fair.

2020 Seniors did not get a senior year.
We did not get open houses for the masses,
Or graduation with peers from our classes.

In kindergarten we were told to stand tall and speak up, and chin up. Make friends because they'll be with you your whole school life. One day you will cross the stage with them.

But senior year we were told to be quiet, wear a mask. Stay inside, don't say goodbye, good luck on your own. You'll graduate alone.
Coming from a 2020 senior, this year has been rough on us and extremely weird. This is just to try and make it a little clearer for people who don't understand how it has affected seniors. I have personally seen adults attack seniors for sharing their emotions and to say that we were overreacting. But this is a global pandemic that has LITERALLY stripped us of our senior experiences. I had bought my prom dress before we knew we weren't coming back, i bought my cap and gown and was looking forward to walking the stage. Unable to do these things, it affects us.
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