It won't work for a few weeks...
Months...
Increases...
Med changes...

You have to give it time.
You have to work hard.
I've been fighting my entire life;
Just asking for some ******* help.

It doesn't seem worth the time,
When all my energy is used
Simply retrieving said meds.
Just for no change at all.

Today I cried.
I cried before work silently.
The tears raced down my cheeks.
Winners were licked off my lips.
My cheeks tightened, my eyes puffed.
Today I cried.
I cried at work silently.
Frustration making my lashes clump.
Heat coursed through my fingertips.
My eyes bloodshot then, tissues used.
I cried.

I would love to write a beautiful piece,
On how death welcomed me.
The reality is I didn't have time.
My feet left the ground,
Wind in my hair,
And for a moment I felt finally free.
Then all that mattered was gravity.

Splat!

I'm tired of not being in control.
Of not having choices.
"Everything is a choice!"
Yea, no. If I made the choices,
I'd go to sleep tonight, and never again.

I loathe not being in control.
Not having choices.
My thoughts run themselves, no matter my desire.
How I wish I could stop thinking.
How I wish I could control my emotions.

I wish I was in control of my own body.

I've never been addicted
But I keep thinking about it.
Just taking one pill,
it might ease the pain.

All I want is for the pain to go away.
All I want is for my brain to quiet.

I've never been addicted,
But everytime I see an orange bottle,
I wonder what'd happen if I had my way.

I don't want to die
But I don't want to live.

If the world could just pause
So I could simply exist.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I am drowning.
Fire licks my lungs,
anvils sit in my stomach.
Fingers snake around my wrists pulling me down.
Chains clink as they tether themselves to my ankles.
My throat is being crushed by that monster.
My mouth is covered.
My watery tears are enough to overcome this.
I cannot scream.
I cannot cry.
The bags in my eyes grow deeper.
Darker.
I am a shell of what I was.
I cannot see what is in front of me.
I can not see what could come.
I am drowning.

"I'm fine. Just tired."
Exhausted.
I smile

When everyday feels like this.
I cant imagine living the rest of my life.
Fighting this hard just to survive.

If this is the rest of my life.

I wish I didn't exist.

I wish I could be erased from the hearts of those who love me.
That I could never have to deal with trauma that is my mind.
That the people I so dearly love wouldn't be affect by my lack of time.

The gravity of this feeling in my body,
Outweighs the guilt I feel for thinking it.
The desire to just be nothing, courses through my bones.

If this is the rest of my life.
I have three reasons to stay.
Three people who love me, and wouldn't have their life any other way.
But if this is the rest of my life.

I will always struggle.
I will always be fighting, every day.
I will always be exhausted.
By the time I wake up in the morning.

If this is the rest of my life.
I will always wish the younger me was strong enough to act.
I'll wish I made the decision before I had my three reasons,
For the rest of my life.

I know what it feels like to drown.
In demons you can't fight.
To drown in emotions that aren't even there.
To drown in the salty tears from your eyes.
To drown your voice out from the rest of world.

It's been too long. This cycle.
I'm exhausted.
Fatigue eats at my lungs, my legs and chest.
All while I tread the salty tears of life.
Would it bring peace to relax?

I envy the dead, I can't wait to finally get some peace and rest.