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When did I get so old?
Too old to kiss my mom on the lips??
Too old to tell my sister I love her???
Too old to even hug her????
When did I get so old?????
So old my back kills me??????
So old my knees buckle???????
So old I’m losing my thoughts,
As if my cards are constantly being shuffled.
Why did I have to grow?
Suddenly the gorgeous blue sky is making you mad
Suddenly the wind in your hair reminds you of what you can't have
Suddenly you can see yourself laying on the road in front of you
Suddenly your friends make you tired
Suddenly the alcohol doesn't taste as good and the high is gone
And suddenly, you're in a low.
And you feel like going slow.
And you don't care to know.
And you just wanna go.
Home.
Fifteen years old and pregnant
Just a child yourself.
Your big doe eyes wide
As you proclaim you’re doing what’s right.  

God will help you
He will lead the way.
This baby being brought to us
Will be in good hands.
For it’s not just a child
But soon to be grandmother and aunt
Depression.
One word that row off the tongue so easily can destroy one's soul.
people who haven't gone through it don't know it's affects.
People who have cut and burned and scratched and harmed themselves are yelled at.
Yet the peoe who tell them Not to, a good chunk of them haven't gone through and don't know that it's not something you can control.
Once you're in your deepest state of depression,  it's easy to go insane and hard not to harm yourself.
When you think that you've finally recovered from depression you're wrong.
At least for some people.
For me.
You get to the point where you think you know what happiness in and the  you realize. Nobody is smiling at you. They're all smiling at your "friend" who always walks away with people they know whithout asking if you wanna go.
No one ever asks if YOU wanna go hang out. Nope. They only ask if they don't wan a go alone or need something from you.
And after a x"happy"x day you go home. Sleep it off. Wake up. And then it hits you again.
Depression
So you're crying and you don't even know why.
But once you stop crying, you have a moment to realize why you we're crying.
Because one person in this world cant do anything but be there.
In the nidist of the crowd, they're just there.
Like a little piece of dust. They have no reason to be there.
They just ARE.
And yet people say that life is a blessing and to live it while you can.
...But...
We are born to live and we all live to die. So what's the point of living life if it just contradicts.
I talk a lot of happiness and inspirational **** but that doesn't mean that's who I am inside.
Inside this dark body.
There is no soul anymore.
For I am too grown to live carefree.
To live happy.
To live the fullest.
To live at all.
Depression
Depression always come back to attack.
53 and counting.
Scars that show my feeling locked behind the bars.
53 of my visible war scars.
People have encouraged me.
People have yelled.
Cried.
And yet the small silver piece of metal still lays in my drawer.
The small silver sliver of hope.
People don't understand what it's like to be me.
For I am not like others.
I asked.
'How do you feel afterwards?'
They all said;
Depressed
Sad
Guilty
angry
Regretful.
And then they asked me.
'How do you?'
And of course. My answer.
'Proud
Happy
In control
Confused '
I laugh the whole time.
I cry because it doesn't hurt and I know that it should hurt.
I cry because all the emotions flow out into the small silver metallic blade.
And it flies angrily over my wrist and arm.
Vertically
Horizontally
Diagonally.
Squares
Letters
Words
Numbers
Insults
And yet I'm still in the stage of depression.
Depression
Depression
Depression
I could write

A simple rhyme
Simply to take up time.

Or

A quiet novel
Whispering about a lover who grovels.  

Or

A bold song
To share what’s been on my mind so long.

But

This is just a simple rhyme.
Simply because I have the time.
I wonder
Do you feel the same things I do
When we walked in the darkness
With only our little candles to guide us

If my flame flickers
Will you wait to see what is in store
Or will you tell me
“Hold it like this a little more”

When the wax burns my hand
Will you tell me to man up
It’ll go away
But do you know I’m allergic?

When my light begins to fade
Only to dissipate
when I have no lighter to help myself
Will you lean in with your flame?
Will you give me your fire for a split second so mine can begin again?
Or will you say “I got you next time”
“I’ve just got too much on my plate”?

What if there’s no next time?
Because that disappearing flame was the only life source.
Because my demons keep blowing it out.
Because i can’t see without it.
Because i can’t see the paths, or why to continue moving.  
Because without it I can’t see why to stay here.
We are not all seen equal
Not when blacks are seen as evil
Not when Gender-queers
Are simply 'insecure'
Not when women need to watch what they wear
Because otherwise men don't have to care

What if the next black child that was harmed
Was your own?
What if the next transgender beaten
was you brother?
What if the next woman defiled
was you?

Then would your views change?
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