I use to like listening to Michael Jackson.
I thought It was cheesy but cute that you like his music.
But now I can’t listen to him without thinking of you. I listen to his songs and all I remember is you looking into my eyes and kissing me.
I remember you holding my hand and talking about whatever was on your mind. I remember you embracing me while your hand slid up and down my thigh.
I can’t listen to Michael Jackson with thinking of you and it’s so frustrating.
I went dancing and for the first time in a long time I was feeling happy and then one of his songs started to play and that happiness was gone all those memories came flowing back.
I tried not to let it ruin my night and you know what, I didn’t.
But I remembered all the little things.
I remember you singing the songs horribly.
I remember us just sitting in your car just staring at one another, me admiring you and I just wish I knew what you were thinking when you were looking at me.
I use to like listening to Michael Jackson but now I can’t listen to him without thinking of you.

I was always there to lend an ear.
And as we sat in the back of your car you. talking and me listening.
I can sense all the sadness you felt.
All the anger you held in.
There wasn’t much for me to say but all I could think to do is to open up my arms and embrace you and I did.
All you needed was a hug to feel loved .
And I gave that to you.
All I ever wanted to do was love you.
Was that not enough?

His head between my thighs while his fingers caressed my womanhood
He picks up the pace, I arch my back
My breath gets heavier
Even now I can still hear him ask
“Are you faking it?”
I reply “no I’m not” all while my voice hitches
He says “you better not” his head still between my legs as his fingers still dance on my womanhood picking up pace
The feeling is overwhelming I can’t take it I try to close my legs but he keeps them open head still between my legs.....
I become nervous, embarrassed I’ve never let myself go and feel good like this before
I grab his hand to stop him and push him away he begins to think that he did something wrong when in fact it wasn’t him at all it was me
It was me who most likely ruined the relationship we had
All I can hear is him in my mind asking if I’m faking my pleasure
Him saying I better not be
And then me just enjoying the pleasure I felt with him I just wish I could’ve been more opened and comfortable with him

Every time I close my eyes I see red.
It drips down onto the ground, onto my clothes.
It stains.
I open my eyes and I’m left with the memories of myself cutting my arms open to see the crimson red liquid drip out of the wounds I’ve created.
Wounds that I’ll soon regret.
Wounds that scar my skin.
Wounds that scar my mind.
Every time I close my eyes I see red.
These scars are forever.
But I can make it better.
I don’t know how but I have to try because when I close my eyes I am reminded of that **** color.
That color that reminds me of the many times I’ve hated myself.
It reminds me of the times someone had hurt me.
It reminds me of the times where I felt like I shouldn’t be alive.
Every time I close my eyes I see red.
I want to see other colors.

I’m tired of always getting told how I should live my life.
Tired of being told what I should be searching for.
Searching for wholeness.
Searching for happiness.
Searching for freedom.
Searching for a will to live.
Searching for the same **** I’ve been searching for my whole life.
Yes I am young and have only lived for a short while but this journey I’m on seems like an eternity, an eternity filled with so many twist and turns that my brain still can’t comprehend.
I’m tired of being told how to live my life
Tired of being told what to be searching for
I’m lost and yes I have had some help along the way but that help isn’t always gonna be there .
I’m still trying to figure out what my purpose is in my life.
I’m trying to understand myself.
I’ve been trying to search for the wholeness.
The happiness.
The freedom.
The will to live.
I’m trying so hard and I’m tired of people telling me to try harder because they don’t know what it’s like to be me, to be inside my head and trying all these new things in order to feel that wholeness, that happiness and freedom, the will to live.
I’m trying but it’s so hard and I’m just tired.
I’m so tired.

I want to be as vulnerable as I can around you.
I’m trying my hardest.
I really am.
I cry because I’m scared.
Scared that you will hurt me.
Scared that you are just using me even after you told me you are not.
I love you I really do.
But it is so scary trying to be vulnerable when you have been vulnerable with others and they just use it against you.
They hurt you.
You promised that you would never hurt me but I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I want to believe you.
Trust you.
Love you.
I want to be vulnerable with you but I am scared not only of you but of myself.
Scared that you will leave me because I push you away.
Scared that you will use this vulnerability against me.
Scared that I’m gonna hurt you.
I don’t know what I’m doing in this confusing relationship.
But I’m trying my hardest to be vulnerable with you.
I want you to see the parts of me no one else sees.
I want to trust you.
Love you.
Believe you.
I want to be vulnerable with you and I want you to be able to be vulnerable with me.
But please promise me you won’t use it against me.
That you won’t hurt me.
I love you and I trust you.
So please don’t break my heart and use my vulnerability against me.

I feel like such a fool.
always waiting for for you.
Waiting for you to pick me up.
Waiting for you to trust me.
Waiting for you to say I love you.
I don't want to wait forever.
But here I am willing to wait for you for however long it takes because I love you.
You thought I was joking when I first told you that I liked you, that it was all a game when it was just the truth.
It was my feelings and my heart that hurt when you believed that I was just playing a game.
I don’t want to have to wait forever but here I am anyways waiting for you.
Waiting for you to realize that I truly do love you.
Waiting to spend time with you.
Waiting for you to trust me like I trust you.
Am I really a fool waiting for you or will it all be worth it in the end?

Why’d you have to call me?
You left me balling.
Tears falling from my face.
The face you once called beautiful.
How cruel.
You made me believe it was true.
Now I’m left blue and broken hearted.
Left in the darkness all alone.
Why’d I have to pick up the phone.
Why couldn’t you just leave me alone.
Don’t.
Just don’t say you love me because I love you more than you can imagine.
I’m saddened that I was just a distraction .
You never wanted me.
I felt free.
Before you called me.
Then my whole world came falling down.
Breaking down.
Why’d you have to call me.
You left me balling.
Tears falling from my face.