I remember
how much I loved you and wanted you
but I couldn't ever express it
and I was always taught that it was wrong
to love a girl
like I did
when I was so young
it still rings in my mind
trying to convince me to feel shame
but I know that what I felt for you was real
and I can't ever share it with you
or know if you ever felt the same
for you are married
and you hurt me in such a deep way
but I still miss you so so much
I always wanted to be you and to be with you
you were always so so beautiful to me
I have always tried to get over you
but maybe a childhood love
is hard to get over
you were the one who made me
find the word
that I know was my truth
that maybe I am bisexual
now I try to not label myself
for this label too has caused me pain
I love souls I love energy
I love people
I am trying to forgive you and to let this pain go
and maybe one day we will talk again soon.

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.

It took me so so fuking long
to realize what you did to me
I saw you today walking down the street
you piece of sht
when I asked you about your mental health
you told me you have great mental health
well no wonder
your a predator
a manipulative abusive
piece of sht
I am so so angry
I was trauma bonded to you for so long
You payed for all of my meals and pertended to be such a gentleman
I actually thought you were different than the rest
that I had met
after you came into my life
and broke me
I stopped dating and everything pretty much
I am so so angry
the anger feels like chaous inside
whats' more messed up
is because of all of the trauma that these men have put me through
I have been in so much pain for so long because of all of the unprocessed trauma
FK you
I will rise up
claim myself
and live a beautiful life
and get better and better with time
as a gaint FK You to you and to all the other
men who stole my innocence joy and love from my heart
and replaced it with so much pain for the longest time
and tried to bind me to you
but thankfully I got out
no longer a slave to other people
only in service to myself.

I was taught that beauty is just how you look
how expensive your prada bag is
and if you don't fit in new york
you are a loser
now I see beauty isn't skin deep
its about soul energy kindness that is true beauty
self love self acceptence
of course beautiful faces and bodies are amazing
but if beauty standards are always changing
than beauty must be in one's perspective.

I am wide awake
I see the brutal horrific truth now
how much my father abused me as a child
as a baby
the fire inside of me burns
its so so FKING painful !!!!!

I see the truth now
how most of the" boys" that I dated
abused me so so horrifically !!

I see the truth now
how trauma bonded I was
and how it wasn't my fault!!

I see the truth  now
how much I hated myself for no FKING reason!
I see myself now
more of myself,
and how amazing I am
because I am  ME!

I see the truth now
that I don't need to compete with others to be loved,
I just need to exist
to breathe
to be worthy!

I see the truth now
that everyone,
has their own path their own journey
their own beauty !
How we each have our own gifts and tests in this life
how we are all one!

I see the truth now
how you assaulted me
manipulated me ,and abused me!

How his beatings hurt me
my mind, my body ,my soul
but still I am free
still I am rising above it all
I see the truth now
that my strength is my power.

I see the truth now
that so many times
it was other people being wounded
and their projections of pain onto me.

I see the truth now
good kind loving amazing people really do exist!

I see the truth now
I am worthy of so much love so much goodness!

I see the truth now
I am love !

I love myself,
I see the truth now,
everything is about  intention!

I danced today
and felt so free
blessed and alive!

I see the truth  now
I was always always,
amazing ,because I am me!

I see the truth now,
that none of my abuse
was my fault!

I see the truth
that life truly happens for me!

I can take responsibility  of myself and my life
and the truth is sometimes it hurts  like fking hell!
Before it can empower you !

I see the truth,
that this pain is heavy harsh raw and painful as FKING HELL!!!

I see the truth that there are many things that I don't undrstand
but I can still build from the pieces.

I see
my family all together
except me,
I can't but help to remember my dream
that I had
a few weeks ago,
I came into my home
yelled at my father
looked at him
and said" I know what you did"!
"I know what you did to me and all of your children"!
I REMEMBER!!!!!

Each day,
the flashbacks are starting to return
the memories
so greusome,
return to me
and all I Can do is choke inside,
and feel nauseous
want to *****,

the glass shattered
he stood there in shock and couldn't answer
I walk to my room
and it was all there
as if I  hadn't left or changed
but that old life
felt like a stranger to me now,
and me I was different now
more healed more in my power
more alive
with better boundaries,
and self worth.

I looked at my mom
who is not thin anymore,
and I think so really all along
your hatred towards yourself
was projected on to me.

when I see children with their parents
my heart aches so deeply,
all I wanna do is crawl inside and hide
and die.
For the pain inside overwhelmes me,
all I remember is so many horrible things.

It seems they have all tried to forget me and  erase me,
but it really makes me wander is that ,
because real truth, in the midst of dysfunction
is always true .
Whether people want to try to hide it or cover it up ,
so no matter what  they try to do .

I am their daughter
and I will always remember
and never forget.

maybe it wasn't just the men
in my life
maybe everyone likes to project
and hate
maybe its about evil human beings
and gender doesn't matter
maybe I can view life in a different manner
and see yes good men good women
good people exist.
Detached from ideologies
the world looks  a bit brighter.