The Jolteon

The Jolteon Feb 2019

Restless

Come out of the struggle
Into the light
The day turns to night
Everything you fought is alive
Crying from despair
Even the air is hard to take in
Your bed my refuge
Calm my mind in your eyes
Creatures crawl from my depths
Unseen and unable to dream
The song plays on repeat
Please let me sleep
The sweetest thing
That's come to me
Since my last injury
Your voice and hands

The Jolteon Feb 2019

I Can’t Stand to be Me

I cut my teeth
In the back rooms of therapists
Learning what abuse is
Learning about forgiveness

Preparing for roofs
Or notes to parents
For the after life
And my last breath

Sickness and distress
A scream from hell
Grab my heart
And never let go

Find comfort in death
I’m still learning how to live
I try to live my truths
But just as often fail

Remember that with life
These things are what it’s worth
I’ll kick and scream
I can’t stand to be me

PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL

The Jolteon Feb 2019

Self Loathing, Hatred of Your Love

The things you love
You’re taught to hate
The person you adore
They say “not him, not her”
The poison you down
They all cheer
Societal constraints
Inner fear

The Jolteon Feb 2019

Therapist Waitlist

Drag around this weight
With nowhere to drop it
Telling myself stop it
Don’t focus on your worst times
I’m just scared
For the people I love
I don’t want to slip
And crush them

It’s too much to carry everything on your own. My insurance rejected my request for coverage of therapy, and ive been on a waitlist for a clinic for 3+ months. Trying to heal myself but I need different kinds of help, I need help unloading all my thoughts.

The Jolteon Feb 2019

Wet Dreams

Open bottles just sitting
My insides just rotting
Even in my dreams
Rage consumes me
Dares me to dunk
My head back under
A pool of liquor
Sober in my dreams

The Jolteon Jan 2019

Two Sighs, One Heavy One Soft

A soft touch can melt the hardest soul
Love others as you love yourself

Break off alone into the night
A heavy bottle in your jacket your light
You smell like gasoline
Your eyes lowered like a guillotine

A gentle voice can dismantle a fight
You must find love inside

This is about being at war with yourself and fighting yourself and losing. And wanting more, wanting to find genuine love and stop feeling self hatred and self loathing. It's about giving in and also about giving up.