The first time i realized
i didn’t really fit in,
was when
i had to try and
think of a costume
for Halloween
that people would
understand right away-
not an abstract concept
or something I had to explain.
something simple,
and normal

you cut me out of your life
awhile ago.
and it turns out
i miss you more
than i ever thought
i would
but i can’t change
anything
and if i could
turn back time,
to the beginning of quarantine,
and fix things-
I would-
in a heartbeat...

going to a college
2 1/2 hours away
won’t change
how much
i miss you
or
how much it hurts-
it might just be a little easier
to forget some days
because i won’t
see you every day
anymore.
and i know you won’t see this,
but i just need to write it down.

i don’t care how much
you’ve hurt me,
i miss you.
the you that i love,
the you that i know.
even the you that hurt me-
he was still in my life-
i even miss that you.
because that you and i-
we still had good times together.
i miss you...
and i know you don’t miss me,
after all-
you did say,
“now get out of my life, and stay out.
goodbye.”
and i never actually
got to say goodbye to you.

i hate that i miss you.
after all the hurt,
and the tears,
and the sleepless nights,
and the anxiety,
and the stress,
and the nights when i cried myself to sleep,
and the soft smiles,
and the second thoughts,
and the late nights,
and the endless conversations,
and the promises,
and after everything we’ve been though-
i hate that i miss you.

whenever we’d fight,
you’d block me and add be back
a few weeks later,
always claiming how much
you missed me.
i have a feeling-
this time is different...
this time-
it really is over,
isn’t it?

so much time was wasted
worrying
stressing
killing time
being patient
giving second chances
and
simply
waiting...

and all of it was just
wasting time.

and now i’m too scared
to give love a chance
because i still love you.
or you make me think
i still love you
even if you don’t love me.
just please stop
changing your mind
every single day,
i’m begging you.
it’s exhausting and
traumatizing.

give me an answer,
and let it be final.

your words echo
in my mind
and will
forever
haunt me

i’m willing to
take a chance
on you.

i’ve been burned,
badly.
i’m cautious because of
how badly i’ve been hurt.

but i’m willing to take
a chance on you,
if you’re willing to take
a chance on me.

there are three mountains
built before me.
one of stress,
one of decisions,
and one of realizations.

i’ve yet to face all of them.
the summit seems
invisible
from the base of the mountain.

this would be so much easier
if these were real mountains
instead of ones in my mind