I remember the day you told me your job.
I was over joyed at the fact that I can have pink grass,
A colour that represented me so perfectly.
I was a princess and that is the colour to represent me.
You laughed at the thought as I continued going on about glitter and lights in twined between each blade.
I smiled as I imaged you and your crew working on my yard and I lean against the house admiring the movement of the muscles on your back.
I remember the first time we called,
We had just met the day before as I was enthralled with your imagination and I wanted to play.
I was nervous but you didn't know.
I don't remember what we spoke, but I remember your laugh,
I remember the teasing and I remember your infatuation with my breast.
No, I wasn't offended.
I am a ***** and I appreciate the flattery,
Can you get in my pants?
Yes with a price of your daily attention.
It has been months since the mention of pink grass,
My grass welts now and dirt scatters my yard.
My skirt is pulled up and I stare at a screen,
Waiting... waiting...
How is your grass? How are your needs? How are you and me?
I never hear from you anymore and I come to my conclusion,
I will never get my pink grass.

I sit at the edge of my bed,
White stocking covered feet
Swaying without breaking a beat,
You laugh and tell me, "no more, sweetie"
I give a smile but continue in denial
In denial that this is a fantasy I created after a while.
After months of late night calls and whispered sins
Months of laughter and cocained induced spins
It was when the truth slipped my lips that fantasies and dreams were locked away.
I laid in my cold bed, staring through a screen.
Your jaw tightened and my eyes fluttered closed.
Moments before we had laughed about our fantasies and I dreamed of a alternative life.
I even said, dreams don't come true and you neither denied it or agreed.
You enjoyed the thought of holding me and brushing your fingers over my skin.
I now enjoy the thought, alone in cold sheets of being loved again.
I messaged you in silent fear, will you ever come near?
Near to what we use to be,
Near to laughter and calling me your little Ducky?
You say you are torn, hurt and distressed.
One little Lie and I have to pull up my dress.
I cover my body and bow my head,
My Love, I am nothing but dead.
You don't know it now but I can see,
A day or so you will forget about me.
Fantasy will be locked behind a door,
Dreams have turned to nightmares since you aren't here anymore.
I wish I could have kept quiet,
But silence isn't my strong suit.
I wish you were dumber, after your nose is abused,
But instead you remain sharp and count the years until I can down a *****.
I sit on the edge of my bed,
Bare feet swaying.
My eyes are glued to the bare stop I wish you were kneeling.
I part my lips to return a sassy response when I remembered;
Fantasies don't become reality.

You changed me.
You changed my life, with the touch of your hand.
You were different, patient and sweet.
You're stutter always got to me.
The way your face crinkled when you were having troubles getting the words out,
The way your eyes sparkled.
But why?
Why did you comever into my life, become a forbidden fruit?
One bite and I was addicted,
Another and you were gone.
You made me feel whole, you made me feel.
I can't get over the way you smelt,
I can't get over the way you held me.
I am trying to replace,
But no one can replace,
Replace the way you were do accepting,
Replace the way you held me, cared for me.
No one will replace you,
and I can't get you out of my head.

I miss you,
Ever since the sun rose earlier each day.
I miss you,
Ever since we began to talk less and less.
I miss you, ever since our conversations took no place.
I miss you, ever since I found a place.
A place in your heart I thought was safe and warm,
That was until you figured out a detail I had stored.
A detail important to someone like you
Someone so caring, understanding, so far away too.
A detail that could create a crack.
Not only between us but in the life we lead.
I miss you,
Your half opened smile.
I miss you,
Your rising brow when I began to become a brat.
I miss you,
Even though you are here.

Eighteen, a number rattled off a ticket,
Eighteen, the number of days I have left
Eighteen days to make a decision.
Eight plus one equals seven.
Seven, the year before my innocence was taken again.
Eight minus one equals six.
Six, the year of therapy for my traumaized mind.
Eighteen years in Eighteen days in Eighteen hours I have.
I have on a roster, I have in my head.
Oh dear one, will I be dead?
Fallen from the cradle the baby do fall.
She tumbled and cried and death was the end result.
I too am the baby never to grow up.
Eighteen days until my cradle will fall and I will cry.
When in life is this decision made?
Decision of the mind to place action to body?
Tumble bumble, falling little baby.
Eighteen days, the time I have left.
Eighteen years, a deadline I can't procrastinate.
Eighteen lifetimes,
Eighteen.

Don't treat God like a Genie,
He is a great man and powerful,
But he requires more attention than a Genie.
No three wishes when it comes to him.
No you make constant prays,
Not towards you but those who lay.
If you treat God like a Genie don't expect good credit,
No expect twisted words and a lonely bed.
I treated God like a Genie and this is got;
Abunt of men who got what he wanted,
A **** boy who isn't very taunt.
A man who I would have fallen in love.
So with this,
I plead a warning,
Don't ever treat God like a Genie

You're like candle light,
One moment you're there,
The next. Flicker.
You're gone
We made plans on day one,
For a day of primal fun.
I was to regress,
In a brand new dress
You would take my hand,
Take me in more ways than none.
I dreamed of future days,
When I gave yout a title that didn't only mean play.
Where I would give myself to you in more than one way.
This were just dreams,
This weren't yet fantasy.
But now I am sure they never will be.

Hi
I can't shake this feeling I did something wrong.
I keep messaging here and I don't know why,
Clearly you are ridding yourself of me.
You could have atleast told me I was crazy and you didn't want me.
Instead of this.

Hi,
I waited for hours.
I called called called.
I fell asleep with blood shot eyes,
Trying to make time fly by.
I waited for days for you to read what I sent.
I stare at the little S, waiting for it to turn into a D.
Is that it?
I changed and became a ******  being,
Ridding myself of the innocent you wished I possessed.
I wish I did too.
Instead of this creature who lusts.

Hi.
It has been days now and I still wait.
Feelings numb and I declare,
Never again.

Your children had a suspicious,
Months ago one day,
You began to eat less and and do nothing but lay,
You withdrew yourself from them,
They no longer cared,
The youngest off all,
Began to despise as everyone tried to repair,
Repair you but you are too far gone,
Abused nose and mind, lose and withdrawn.
My line, not dusted away but drawn around,
Has no end for you to cross,
My Love for you is forever loss,
Daddy, I am sorry but I can no longer,
No longer deal with this dishonesty,
My heart is broken
My family is earsed,
Because you can't keep the straw from your face,
I can no longer view you with love,
The nights you are upstairs I know are over,
And they comince I know they are fake,
I can no longer care,
For you aren't here,
I have no father.

Crowded room with quiet voices,
I stand in line with anxiety thrusting through me.
In a line with a board spouting words,
Different flavours and styles steaming below.
Choices of familiar or new,
Too many people to really choose.
Soft voice, cracked with fear.
I sit in the crowded room,
Separating myself from the crowd,
Silent and lost in my mind.
My drink is served and I begin to write.
Muffin crumbed, drink stirred,
The day begins in quiet anxiety.

Once upon a time
I was told to quiet down.
Loud mouth,  to hyper, I flipped from green to red regularly.
Once upon a day,
I was the ******, the creep, the special child.
Not in the good way.
Once upon a dream,
I had friends, I was the teachers favourites, and rude words avoided me.
Once upon a moment,
I wish I was skinny, talented and brave.
Once upon a child,
She was just a child.
Once upon an experience,
I don't belong here.
Once upon a night,
I no longer thought happily.
Once upon now,
I want to die.

You took up a challenge
Not only to visit the small world in which we live,
But share stories, asking a stranger to give.
I sat with my sister
Discussing music when you walked up and asked for a seat.
I admire the beard on your face,
The excitement and joy in your eyes as you spoke,
I put on a face of joy, for inside I was dying.
I was, just moments, before not breathing,
But now you made me curious  and begin pleading,
More stories and more excitement spew from your lips.
You talk of the world,
Of a land filled with gold,
Of fruits grown without help,
Of friends you haven't seen in years.
I share of my view on appearance,
Inspiration clausing the dream we share,
But for you it is reality.
It was then you walked away your story was stuck with me,
A story with a smile, a story with a moral
I think about the quote I give,
Don't stop being yourself or you won't ever live.