it's been five years since I've felt absolute love. I can remember how I was with that person. so free. I didn't even know what restraining or containing was with them. I wonder when that changed? When did I begin to care about holding back, hiding, trying rather than being? when did I worry more about what came out of my mouth rather than listening? conversations and topics flowed easily, now I stress in forcing them. my first love was real love. but I miss it. the feeling. the ability to give and not realize I'm giving. countless hours talking about everything, fewer held in silence but nonetheless never awkward. when did that change?
maybe nothing has. I merely need to find a person once more. a person I care more for than I care about how I'm being seen. someone that makes me forget about myself, but reminds me of me when I do. because they care as much about my well being as I'd care for theirs.
I like reminiscing.

I just always wanted you to ask about me. The more I waited it came to me how pointless it'd be to say. So I stopped waiting and praised you on your talent, it seemed the only outlet I found searching to charge my ego thinking I were useful. My praise in your dream became your dream inspiring me. You never noticed. I shed tears hearing your hopes transcend words parked beneath trees in your apartment lot. I hid them easily. You were so devoted to listening to yourself.  I wasn't much to hold your gaze unless I was tempting or cheering. The amazement in your eyes having had created made me lust after my dream deeper. I was truly thankful for it. But you never seemed to notice how moved you made me. My silence wasn't boredom, it was gratitude, for if ever in our moments I fell silent it was because I felt something vivid that seemed to always surprise me. I wanted to be more for you. Stretch my limbs and soul for you. The way when I closed my eyes it felt you had. The way it felt your lips pressed to my forehead, the small breath you'd let out as you began to smile down at me half asleep. The most living thing I've ever felt against my skin because it was real without me needing to see. Thank you for inspiring me, for forcing me to grow even a little, and for feeling like you were there for me even when I know you weren't.

I stare through the frosted window
Watching all the children play
Remembering the good old days
When things were simple and I didn't have to pay

For all the mistakes and wrongs I did
Because of the phase I had that day
But I was only making promises
That I didn't know I couldn't make.

I remember every kiss we ever kissed, you kissed me 1,923 times, I remember our first kiss and I remember our last kiss and every single kiss in between, I remember that night when I was standing in the middle of the street and your parents were waiting for you back at home and I looked you in the eyes and I told you I could die exactly that moment and I wouldn't regret a single thing, I remember when we were in the park, and I was crying because I knew you were leaving soon, you kissed me on every single bench, beneath every single  tree, I remember the kiss that was suppose to be our last, you shouldn't have come back, but I don't remember every kiss I kissed trying to replace yours, I don't remember the names of all those people who touched my skin underneath our moonlight, amidst our bedsheets, but I remember us on those stairs, I had been in love with you for months by then, my hand was shaking and I leaned in and just as you had time to acknowledge what happened, I left, I cried that night, I don't know why, maybe I knew what was coming, I remember how you told me you never thought you would not want to kiss me, well it’s been two years since our meeting at the Great Wall of China, don’t come back this time...

The next page isn't being read yet, so why worry what's on it?

The empty pages in my journal are yet to be stained with ink, with joy and sadness.

Our days are short, I need to not worry about tomorrow and focus on today.

Right now isn't going to last forever.
We won't see another today.

Let's forget about the time and rely on our bodies to tell us when to sleep and when to rise.

Today is here for now,
    Tomorrow may never come.
    Love me like it's our last
                        days on earth.
                                                           S.j.b.