How is it that I long for something I already possess?

I feel an orphan, though I lack not
my emotions feel imposter

like those of true loss,
my heart aches for more than a shadow
moreover, I carry the guilt of this pang
with knowledge of those who carry authentic sorrow

I ask the question.
Is bruised fruit better than nil?
Is bread, molded and crumby, better than none at all?

I know you love me, but do you enjoy me?
obligation does not breed true affection.
dutiful acceptance falls short
I long for a genuine, tangible love

imminent distance looms
but naught to fear
though I shed an easy tear -
like flowers of April, love blooms
a growing gap, empty rooms
a lasting tie, I hold dear
love won't wane but wax by year
my guarded heart, he exhumes
enjoys me, accepts me, deciphers my art
wrapped in embrace, I'll forget never
healing, security, warmth - tranquil heart
inexplainable and sincere, leave it there -
a love that enjoys when together
and endures when apart

trudging, I move along
time hesitates not a moment
the frantic beat
causes disarray within
tick, tick, tick

inadequate; alone
fears forms:
shiny, sticky palms
short breath
knotted throat
nothing in; watch out
don't cry, you baby
wait! I'm not finished yet!
tick, tick, tick

left behind
a step or two, trailing my peers
in the distance, I see them
sometimes, the dust from their steps
fills my lungs
and empties me of hope
to catch up
to reach Good Enough
to jump onto the train of contentedness
tick, tick, tick

Is my race less than?
Is my fight inferior?
Time ticks on.
Others charge forward.
Frozen, I fear.
tick, tick, tick

hanging her head in surrender
echoing the life He did tender
nothing that I bear in life
could outweigh His temptation rife
Praise our Conqueror of splendor!

Waves are rolling in,
inching closer to my feet,
crawling up the sand.

acceptably buried,
color: drab
effectively furrowed
gray.
heather, iron
jutting knife
lead, mousy
nearly opaque,
powder
'quisitively rugged
smoky
terribly unnoticed
verily withdrawn
xenon
yesterday's zeal

sensitive extreme
third degree feeling
raw; infantile;
pathetic;
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to be

life burns
like the noon sun on my white skin
like barefoot patters on the rooftop

but you,

your contact is a cool sizzle
your touch is a drop of water on the hot stove
your hand on my back
soothes the swirling, spinning
chaotic tangles of thoughts

I'm a puzzle
& you're the missing piece

squirming worms
rotten apple brain
psychotic terms

disguised stable & sane
sorry infestation
good looks maintain

proceed with hesitation
pink ladies disappoint
one bite and cessation

outward promises at their breaking point
inside, a terrible surprise to avoid

You don't understand,
thirty-two minutes -
threw my head in a dizzy-
I ***** up all of the things.

Replaying my choices
what if, what if
I should have known better
nuisance of twenty

hinged on the detail
stomach in knots
a nervous wreck
forget-me-not

The ache is there
to **** and burn
After all,
it's what I deserve

So, forget me not
here I go
slow, slow
strawberry fields of old

unprompted proposal.
official assumption.
sweet surprise.
not asked.
not bribed.
not coaxed.
+
not hushed.
simply loved.
bad timing.
Almighty appointment.
=
subtle reminders.
frequent tears.
positive impact.
two-way street.
what if.
why now.
questions abound.
relentless trust.
emotional orphan.
family embrace.

filled with pleasant praises, add to the noise
outsiders merely hear a clanging gong
misguided stooge, highest priority poise
broken, segmented; melodious song
pitchy, discordant, strident, jumbled throng
cackle, not laughter; like nails on chalkboard
screeching halt, hacked lung, dissonant ding-****
novice strum, harsh ring, disagreeing chord
overpoweringly awful, not dexterously ignored
discrepant dichotomy, add worldly confusion
you learned disciples, jarringly shored
bash uncomfortable jangles, chime the delusion
like the bells in your tower, you inharmonious bunch
wanderers offput by your lazy, Sunday punch

meaningful investment, definite impact
genuine compassion, to you I attract
unofficial adoption; like static, cling
nonverbal given, jubilant I now sing
protective walls liquidate, you're in; shell cracked

if anything at all, tender soul distract
short but ever so sweet, fill the gaps exact
gently you hold me; heal and bind broken wing
...if ever I've tasted of love's glor'ous life

trustworthy provider, fix all I've lacked
maybe walk down the aisle, heart intact
constant and watchful, giving hope for a ring
as I on an optimist pendulum swing
tangible, real, felt, believed. love not abstract
...if ever I've tasted of love's glor'ous life

drenched in the stench of competition,
unattractive ultimate of winning
a loss equates to confidence thinning
stopping not, for sake of the mission
for someone of high cognition
victory consumes you, leaves you grinning
unnoticed until now, same from the beginning
determined to conquer this fission
strict, stoic, aggressive ****
maintain control, grip tighter the reigns
anything from professional to Yahtzee
uneven match, still your moral gains
stubborn, step into a familial kamikaze
severing connection, frees me from chains

I reflect critically.
Is this skill crucial?
Do you think?

Why, after everything you do,
leave everything askew?

raised to listen to the boys in blue
shoot straight, the straight and narrow
protect and serve, even the sparrow
respect, honor; intimidating crew
sirens squeal, lights flash
license, registration; rehearsed line
unfastened belt, unheard as I opine
"No buckle? Ma'am you're gonna crash"
the belt that caused my stomach to rip?
the belt that killed by grandfather?
Why should I bother?
but thanks for the tip
free to choose what matters most
'cause in the end, we're all toast

voices blend, a buzzing murmur
steam swirls, mocha wafts
caffeinated atmosphere
java fog looms above

steam swirls, mocha wafts
music caresses lightly the ambience
caffeinated atmosphere
lively line of addicts

music caresses lightly the ambience
softly, I fall into clouded thought
lively line of addicts
contrast my peaceful bliss

softly, I fall into clouded thought
pen the pensive rumination
contrast my peaceful bliss
busy baristas hollering orders

pen the pensive rumination
inspiration in café population
busy baristas hollering orders
while I ponder life's purpose

inspiration in café population
doodle, draw, and dream
while I ponder life's purpose
I sigh, my mind screams

doodle, draw, and dream
let it out, let me be
I sigh, my mind screams
voices blend, a buzzing murmur

understanding the move, loving you so
a calling, ready or not, there you go

phases of bitter and phases of sweet
primary reaction: ignore, there you go

tend the thought, no matter, hour approaches
wasted or treasured, the choice is yours, there you go

final moments so precious, holding dear
a culmination of the years, there you go

"I will follow", obedient response
misunderstood and despised, there you go

perspective reached, model life's hardest cry
to know and to love yet - go, there you go

pondered assurance of lasting friendship
with tears, she bids you goodbye, there you go

Happy yet sad, a conundrum of sorts
accept to love you from far, there you go

satisfied with devotion, love ceased not
displeased with the distance, but there you go

She can't wait to fly, to make you so proud
substitute dad, I love you, there you go

There you go.

dark, yet a light
dead, yet alive
scared, but secure
falling, yet rising
mistakenly honest
quiet demeanor,
loud thoughts
clear vision,
clouded past
looking but found
in love that lasts
perceived put together,
feeling rendered
joyful, yet sad
holding to what
once had
simple complexity
twenty year kid
plainly average,
but extraordinarily rare
staying, but going
repulsive, want to
be worth holding
secluded isolation,
yet forever embrace
carve myself
into your brain,
forgettable girl
world in her hands
she's got it all
wrong
included,
still excluded
closely far
helping the hurt
feeding the emptiness

loved, yet forgotten

the absence pangs me
the separation aches in my chest
your touch
your smell
empty, I sit;
fragmented
your voice
your eyes
waiting, I wonder
waiting, I wander
object permanence escapes
Is this it?
Have you left me?
security untaught
regulation gap
desperate cling and
misunderstood intention
the cyclical mess
I can't undo

Let's have a do over.
Try again.
Let me start over.
Let's go back in time;
rewind.
Let's be friends again.

the puzzle of life, I remain perplexed
how people come and go
ebb and flow
what point is there in ever attaching
marrying, moving, distancing, dying
everyone leaves

You've played your part, how could I ask you to do anything more?

unable to view the mural of my life,
piece by piece, everything fits
I see portions, lacking summation
humbly, I admit humanity
accepting inability of omniscience,
appreciating lone piece independently
dear to my heart, supporting role
The Grammy is yours, I'd be nothing without you

You've played your part, how could I ask you to do anything more?

I'll see the end. Battle-worn but standing.
look down, see my calloused hands
I've worked to be here, and I've prevailed
Glance back, a myriad of encouragement
a touch from some, a word, a silent hug
handwritten love, novels of reassurance

You've played your part, how could I ask you to do anything more?

spindly limbs, midnight hair
little girl, sitting on the steps
disappointed, what's wrong with me?
Daddy, dance with me

far from your strong arms,
my heart dances with danger
those boys aren't men
Daddy, fight for me

take me back
love me, though I'm broken
I can be whole in your arms
Daddy, tell me I'm yours

wandering, running
finding an identity
a nomad for love
Daddy, teach me how

day dressed in white
he takes her wedded hand
light falls on their shoulders
Daughter, will you dance with me?

He wraps her as his
for the last time;
redemptive dance
Daddy, now I'm his

What else did you miss?

glissade, tours jeté; poised and powerful
pirouette, sous-sus; humbling finesse
agility: deceivingly immortal
classsic elegance to encompass

enveloped audience, alluring physique
grande jeté, fluid grace, moving mystique
clean sauté arabasque; lissome wonder
sharp, precise, polished; she moves without blunder

you're supposed to nourish me
instead, I only despise
that head and gut disagree
sitting behind a plate of lies
she bows her head and cries
I envy you, enjoyer of food
from the ashes she will rise?
my perspective, chronically skewed
everyone, easy to delude
the beast inside growls for help
to change the way her grub is viewed
crimson slashes, a silent yelp
sustenance, quick to be sick
slip into the stall and snick, snick, snick...

invisible & amoebic
your love for me was strategic
it engulfs my fragile heart and -
provides tidal security

roller coaster of highs and lows
invisible & amoebic
right turn, a lucky shot; strength ebbs
turnaround, drop a hat; strength flows

inevitable waves of in-
consistency rock my small boat
invisible & amoebic
lucid thoughts, unable to surface

Lifeguard! I'm drowning, but let me
tread, kick, fight; as I lose my breath
gulp of fantasy: I wash up
invisible & amoebic

you can look, but you won't find
the perfect place to grow
leave your expectations behind
too late, unable to forego
the years rush by, but yet so slow
be still, my heart, and you will see
more than see, you will know
This is exactly where you're supposed to be
rest in contentment, this I plea
Now's the time to let Him work
not all the time will you agree
divine action sometimes leaves you in the murk
Here with holy thoughts enchanted,
dear seed, it's time to grow where are you planted

"As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be."
Thick and thin
Tired, sick, hungry,
no matter what the circumstance
you're to remain

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

I'm the worst kind
I feel nothing but shame
I want to rip my arms
Fight for me to stay sane
I feel *****
let me clean
I feel useless
give me something to do

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

I've gotten myself stuck
wrapped in emotion
hands tied, I am grounded
long to flee
long to be free
final straw, ready to run

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

tucked in tight, eyes wide and bright
squirrelly in anxious anticipation
counting sheep endlessly
laying still to no avail
tomorrow, filled with presents and cookies and Grandma's cookies
tomorrow, "Oh boy! I've waited all year for this!"

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

She crawls into bed with her husband's snoring head
the day she tarried away: cooking, cleaning
modern day Martha
doubts arise, has she done enough?
Is the table set just right?
"Oh me, oh my! I must've forgotten something!"

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

She inches wearily to her lonely bed
she slips into her nightgown, red
lying awake, her chest aching; empty
tomorrow she'll be able to forget
if not for an hour, at least a moment few
she wraps herself in her Savior's embrace and closes her eyes

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

...as every Christmas wish was being fulfilled.

incessant confusion
left wondering
waiting for love
looking, lacking
physically present,
emotionally absent
arithmetic prison
reputation upheld
in front of
jealous outsiders
searching for substitutes
held in the arms of another
irreparable only if unwilling

even so,
we dance

doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
anesthetic living, wasted capacity
unrealized with-it-ness, lies lure
doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
clouded by confusion, dreams obscure
brink of ideal, required audacity
doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
anesthetic living, wasted capacity

together paradise,
nearby connection;
distance vanishes,
real-time embrace;
coincidental timing,
inarguable intersection;
fated misfortune,
mutual blessing;
soothing aura,
blissful homecoming;
affectionate cradle,
passionate possession;
fervent assertion,
warmly pursued;
together forever,
resurrected relation

planted in foundation firm, upright she grows
hardened by bullying winds, fragile she froze
spring sunlight begins to thaw her icy trunk
undreamt beauty within, temporary funk
nurtured and nursed back to life, the impact shows

meant for more than shadows, pretty she pose
structure, strength, and semblance; groundwater bestows
brilliant and confident contrasts wilted, shrunk
I, unraveling; opening; flourishing.

stretching toward light; jaws dropped, she fearless arose
petals so pretty, her true colors expose
stem entwined with stories; her purpose no bunk
floods, fingers, fierce feeling; she stood never sunk
wavering character, but bold hope she chose
I, unraveling; opening; flourishing.

amateur meets expert
ignorance breeds dependence
swaying, your stable stance steadies me
falling down, falling for you
like blue and orange, you complement me
drowning in depths, azure eyes

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

miles don't mute the-get-to-know-you
scale the discrepancy, commonalities prevail
what I lack, you provide - ideal duo
I'm convinced, you complete me
provide my mind temporal vacation
reciprocated affection, mutual frustration
intimidating expanse kills strong pursuit
drawn to effeminate magic, sidestepping honesty

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

How long will you let your head win?
Give in, resist evident infatuation no longer
hourglass hope, dwindling inevitably
Am I lost in perception?
desperate for guidance and direction
let me in or let me go

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

you saw me grow, I'm not lucky
please set me free
hating mealtime
wipe second slime

I want a stomach that works, please.
easy to tease
supposed to be
helping me, she

cries out, eating experience
I'm serious
not in my head
mealtime I dread

strip me naked, deteriorating worth
bruised and broken, perfect porcelain façade
hidden degradation, Holy love unearth
vulnerable prey, inescapable ****
mended by the Healer, washed clean in rebirth
loved completely, though ***** and stained and flawed
allure unimagined, inconceivable  
wed in white, pure, beautiful, receivable

anticipated return, He's coming back
in victorious glory, He holds his bride
with Him, restoration; there's nothing I lack
when the notion of grace settled in, I cried
hesitant, yet desiring your closeness
timid, wrapped in your gentle arms, I confide
many times I tried, my head won, and I stopped
teacher of trust; I, as Your own, you adopt

Type A, I'm your gal
competitive, time aware
ordered and organized
in these do I Excel

to everything, an explanation
I seek to discover
like in math,
there must be an answer

but this, I think is different
life, you're a mystery to me
no sense in finding sense
disappointment will commence

so confused do I remain,
weak, tired, broken down
"It's not that big of deal," I say
"My Savior wears the Victor's crown!"

trouble finds me
I control my response
hear my crying plea
to Your will, I ensconce
to this very minute
with intention am I here
feeling lost along the route
Lord, incinerate my fear
trusting in Your direction
I don't ask to take away
but rather provide me protection
as I navigate the gray
With boldness, I proclaim,
"Lord, glorify your name!"

slavery, abuse, oppression
call it what you want
I'm trapped, imprisoned by your lies
I cry out; no one believes me

call it what you want
torn; protect you out of obedience
I cry out; no one believes me
torn; protect myself for what I'm worth

torn; protect you out of obedience
but you never fight for me
torn; protect myself for what I'm worth
I'm bruised, but not broken

but you never fight for me
this is my anthem
I'm bruised, but not broken
slavery, abuse, oppression

Ordinarily able-bodied,
stop me in my tracks
I don't mind
a few days rest
weekend plans
you wreck

Detours don't phase me - obliterate stigma, my response

I'll walk or crawl or submit to the sidelines
I'll ride or sit or be a tour guide
Attendance, no question
my life's purpose
in one day gathered
I go, no hesitation
re-visioning the day
lesson learned, past mistake

Detours don't phase me - obliterate stigma, my response

different, I imagined the scene
life's greatest mystery:
reality versus dreamed
unseen struggle, just as real
ridding shame and damnation
love is the answer here

Detours don't phase me - obliterate stigma, my response

The house seems still, quiet, empty.
Dawn breaks and her feet hit the cold wooden floor.
The aroma of coffee swirls through the air, meeting the cool breeze,
while the birds are singing the song of a new day.

Morning presses on.
Discontentment creeps in slyly through the door.
There's always some chore that finds itself unavoidable.
She mustn't sit in solemn despair.

Flipping through the channels over and over.
Dusting the shelves time and again.
Reading, writing, baking.
None the cure for the unrest of a widow.

Lunch prepared for two, but present, only one.
Picking and nibbling, but nothing seems to satisfy.
She starts the dishes to pass the time.
Bubbles forming, suds splashing.

She can't resist.
There's no escape.
Her mind lands on his precious reminiscence.
As melancholy as it seems, she knows there is hope to be found.

Still, the afternoon seems to have no end.
She finds herself aimlessly wandering.
Memories resurface with every glance.
Shutting her eyes seems to be no help.

She finds her day drawing to a close.
Her heart impossible to mend.
For she cannot be whole without her other half.
This is the burden she unwillingly carries.

A lonely game of solitaire awaits.
Companionship long over due.
Nothing seems to fill the void.
But life beats on.

mimicking my tears, rain plummets to earth
driblets escaping, a plashet appears
caressing the window and kissing the street
elusively pleasant, ambiguously received
beads race down my windowpane
showers of comfort, salient skies of gray

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

perspective is important here
clouded minds find solace
whilst sunny cerebrums, unable to associate
ideas of positivity in days so gray
in one corner: better than resorting to a pill
the other: worse than spouse found unfaithful
opinions pitted, popular pins eccentric
one, two, three, four... will rain redeem their rapport?

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

rain, rain, go away
dark and dreary, "shame you!"
a lesson taught, not genetic
sheets of rain, stale excuse to stay
but I, but I - bid the day hello
when rolling clouds greet my morning breath

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

downhill despair
of real concern
depression looms
help, save me soon
I know it's bad
lost ambition
to write, to breathe
synonymously
solitude strikes
words leave, as do you
goodbyes too soon
make me feel safe
hold me longer
I'm looking for
something,
someone,
anyone...


gone.

Passing, leaving
Coming, going
The ebb and flow of knowing
is full of feeling.

Comparably, vulnerability brings
harder falls
but higher peaks
I am no gambler.

Magnet to me.
Never leave.
Irreversibly, your lover.
Permanently wed.

Hold me, hold me...

Exit stage left.
And you never come back.

Locked inside,
lonely, but void of all other feeling--
a novacain heart.
Susceptible to sentiment, no longer.

How do you love when love always leaves?





I don't know how

father, mother
son, daughter
normal words to any other
but whose meaning do you slaughter
crossing kin,
blood no obstacle for relation
love will always win
so sign your name, accept abdication

though no legal ties bind
as your own, me, you receive
no obligation, plainly the nurturing kind
clinging to your care, from my pedigree I cleave
that is a precious word to me,
please don't tread those syllables lightly

lucky you're mine
wrapped warm
safety possessed
in your arms

hold me close, bound to your breast
forehead kiss
sets everything in place
in your arms

the world can't touch me
words can't hurt me
forget the pain
in your arms

release the worry
act that shows
you're a man of your word
in your arms

arms, arms,
arms of acceptance
of security, of love
in your arms

terrestrial representative
honest acknowledgement
locked in love
in your arms

captivate my senses
reign them in
sure foundation
in your arms

formerly wounded
empty
alone; but not
in your arms

elevated,
sure,
complete
in your arms.

loved,
healing,
confident
in your arms.

secure,
free,
redeemed
in your arms.

belonging,
protected,
place to be
in your arms

me
in your arms.

younger than me, but I'm jealous of you
oh, the headache that ensues
incessant "If you only knew..."
destined destiny, no more excuse
scared therefore silent; reality: nothing to lose
just as unsure, strangely comparable
futile alibi for intimidation's recuse
idle, unmoving; regret unbearable
thought alone, even more terrible
questions surround my small comfort zone
pray for relationship repairable
not broken, but opportunity blown
caustic, coping laughter, you see
I like you, and you like me.

Timidly, I let my feet touch the ground
With hesitation, I embrace the day

Your words are like acid in my open wounds
Don’t you see them?
lines of shame
veins to drain the evil within
mirrors of toughened tissue
that had no other choice
jagged attempts

you pour into me
sugar sweet, now bitter
it stings
stop hurting me
my heart
aches
i hate you

don't leave me