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 Jan 2018 Natalie
 Jan 2018 Natalie
I want to give myself to you
I swear to God I really do.

But every time we get that close
Most of me is still opposed.

That man f*cked me up,
it will always get me choked up.

I fear he'll always have control,
even though you're on patrol.

Maybe it's myself I fear the most.
Is that his master plan, to be the host?

When he's dead remains a ghost
and that is what I fear the most.
 Jan 2018 Natalie
Close My Eyes
 Jan 2018 Natalie
When I close
my eyes
you don't die
we never cry
there are no sighs

The darkness of
my fallen lids
blocks the sights
I cannot take
ones that can only break

what I still get
what I still hold
has turned from
tarnished silver
to purest gold

But when I open my eyes
the whole is told
the world dons no guise
and you never grow old
 Jan 2018 Natalie
The ground does not yield as I make my way

unsteady across the dirt mounds and bone-dry grasses

in the brittle frost of the early deep freeze.

It’s almost as cold as Mars at the equator, I find myself thinking.

I dream

of butterscotch evenings, and landscapes tanned

red and brown and meandering canals

clear straight to the bottom.

This is Bradbury’s Mars.

I close my eyes and stroll among the ancient ruins

until the cold drives me back into the chaos again.

The last rocket for Mars left a long time ago

and I am stuck on Earth to freeze.
 Jan 2018 Natalie
yesterday i got blood on my jeans
from opening the scrape on my knee
i got three days ago, slipping in the shower,
drunk as hell before noon.
my dad told me to leave the rest of his beer
after i took five in twenty four hours.
i wonder if he realizes how bad i am.
i have to have at least one drink
before i see anyone, just to loosen up.
i drink throughout the day,
not caring what time i start.
my boy expressed concern
about all my empty beer cans.
i decided six hours ago
i would take a break from drinking
but my friend gave me a jelly jar of *****
and i keep telling her i’ll stop, as i pour another.
“i’m going to not drink for two weeks,”
i say as my speech begins to slur.
how many will be my ‘last drink?’
will i make it two weeks?
will i care? does it ******* matter?
there will always be new blood on my jeans.
 Jan 2018 Natalie
I've got a dark place in my heart.
A place that likes hurt,
A place that accepts abuse,
And in this place I find solace,
I find warmth and confusing joy,
So hit me as hard as you can,
Beat me until I can cry no more,
But never say you'll leave me.
That, I could not endure.
I'm trying to find new coping mechanisms.
 Jan 2018 Natalie
Melodie Fowles
I'm lying naked, in your eyes i can see your ***** hatred
But i still want it...

Your precious degradation will be my salvation
Create my fate in this hopeless situation

Do i seem so demure?
Behind these eyes i am far from pure

Wrap your hand around my neck
The more you hurt me the hotter i get

Self hatred feeds these sick desires
And just a spark of pain can start the fire

Alone...i want your demons
Lonely...I need your dark
And now...i have your nothing.

— The End —