Why must I be attracted to you?
With your reputation,
with your bad habits,
with the way you touch me,
with the way you drag that cigarette.
People told me about you, hoping I would stay away.
But how can I stay away from someone as bad as you?
All the things they tell me about you won't keep me away.
It's like you're toxic, my own personal drug I use everyday.
everything.
Everything you do infatuates me.
I'm in love with you.
I love to be taken over by the thrills and excitement of doing something bad.
Bad boys, the worst kind.
It's my thing.
What makes it better?
You told me "You're forever mine."

Of course I've changed
life does that to you, it creates conflicts
some you can handle and some that make you fall through the cracks
I'm not the same freshman girl you once knew, I'm a junior that has been through things
I haven't been in your life for two years
I don't know the same people you know, I don't remember everything
we used to do
You're different too
You've changed not just me.
We all change, we change from life experiences
we change from situations we were once in
we are not the children we were in elementary, did you expect we would stay the same?
Change is everywhere

You have no idea what it’s like to grow up without a father. To grow up without any brothers or sisters. If a little girl grows up without a father she is lost in the world, not knowing who to trust. Grows up with a different expectation of men, that they’ll run out on you, just like their father. The feeling I get when I see my friends with their father and brothers/sisters is completely devastating. The feeling when I see a father with their child, so loving and protective of them… I wish I had that. When I see father-daughter dances at quinceaneras or any type of party, I get the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach. Looking back I realize how much I wanted to burst into tears on the day of my quinceanera because I wasn't having a father-daughter dance. There is no father figure in my life. I absolutely despise it when people treat their brothers/sisters unfairly. They are so lucky to grow up with siblings. I’m never gonna be an aunt and have nieces/nephews. I don’t have an older sister to go to for advice, have the time of our lives while we sneak out, try new things with, or to explore the world with. I don’t have an older brother to look out for me, tease when he gets in trouble, or have his shoulder to cry on if I’m going through a breakup. I would love to have siblings younger than me so I can help guide them through life, show them what I've been through and make sure they never have to feel that much pain. I know everyone has to go through pain in their life but I would at least try to shield them from the worst. Tell them what’s right and to not go through the wrong path. Most of all I wish my mother would act like a mother. You’re not a teenager anymore mom. Stop going out to party, you go out more than I do. And that says a lot. You didn't raise me, grandma and Tia did. You were busy partying with your friends. I wish I could meet my father. I never wanted to meet him before but now I feel like it’s time. Then again he left for a reason, right?

I am trying to be happy, normal even.
But how can I try to be something I'm not when I'm so occupied
trying to stay alive?
I don't want to go, but I keep getting pushed to try and jump off this cliff.
Do you want me gone?
Do you want me to go over the edge and free fall?
Why?
What have I possibly done to hurt you?
I'm so gone.

Was this supposed to be the woman to care for me?
The woman who should have taken care of her infant instead of partying?
Yes.
Does she mean anything to me? No.
How could I possibly love a stranger that is considered to be my mother?

One night I tried to get you out of my mind,
tried to think of other things
oh but how your eyes shined in the moonlight sky.
Breathtaking sight to see.
You always put my mind at ease.
How you walked towards me with a smirk on your face
that can make any girl fall.
You chose me. Out of everyone, you could've chose anyone.
I was the girl that grabbed your attention.
Girls glare at me, jealousy in their eyes.
Knowing I had you by my side, I felt indestructible.
I didn't mean to fall in love that night.
I knew I must've done something right.
I must've done something good to have someone so bad.
My kind of love.
It's the type that makes you shiver when he whispers into your ear.
The type that makes you feel anxious for his touch.
The type that makes you feel bad yourself.
Feeling beautiful for once, because of you.
You make my lips quiver, begging for one more kiss.
Although I could have as many as I want, there is no such thing as "too much."

Things never worked out for my advantage
things always got in the way
the feeling of losing someone that you hold close to your heart
is indescribable,
someone you've been friends with for 8 years being destroyed
what's worse? Losing them or losing yourself?
I always thought that I could beat this, well I'm losing.
Tears come streaming down my face,
when I care for someone I hold them very close to my heart.
I hate the feeling of being used constantly. I don't know if the light will guide me home or not.
but what is home?
Home is filled with broken promises and disappointments, where we were all once happy and filled with excitement
but now we just sulk inside waiting for the day to be over.
Everything in my life isn't what I hoped for.
Things change, people change,
I changed.
fix me.
I'm way over my head about this. It's hard to talk about these things in my life
to someone else. They always look at me in disbelief and say "oh"
or they just think I'm over exaggerating, yet, they will never understand what it's like to be in my shoes.
What if I never meet someone who will make me feel so alive?
I see them all around, embracing each other
they all look so happy with each other.
But then again I don't even believe in love so how could I possibly find it for myself?
I've seen so many failed relationships in my life especially the one I thought would never break. I looked up to them, Their relationship was my idea of love.
Well not everything is what we thought it would be. Right?

What is it that I crave?
I crave something I won’t receive,
the tense feeling you get when he touches your side
and then travels down to your leg,
The sensational feeling of peppermint kisses
Big hands cupped around your face
Then back to your hips as he brings you in
closer.
What is it I crave?
I crave the sense of protection
The feeling of being needed
Being pulled closer to deepen your love for each other
Feeling the sense of lust and time passing slowly
But instead I'm here in bed lonely
What is it that I crave?
I crave something I won't receive.