There are unknown universes
in the deepest parts of your soul
that I wish to explore
*but you won't let me in

There was a woman; with a heart as big as the world. And she wished for love, oh, how she needed love. She wished for poems, and music, and art. For nature, and stargazing, and wilderness. For long nights and even longer drives. She wished for a wanderer like herself. Someone who understands. But most of all - someone who loves her the same way she loves him.

Then, there was a man. A man who put his life on hold, to wait for her. A man who straightforwardly told her that she is the thought that gets him through each day. But they were different. Polar opposites. He knew of her wishes and desires and of the things that made her heartstrings flutter; but he didn't understand them. Because he didn't feel them too. And he was sweet, and warm, and safe, and comfortable, and he tried so hard. She adored him - just not in the way he wanted her to.

And then, there was another man. This man was not like the previous man. No, this man made every broken bone inside her body come alive again. This man had an inexplicable thirst for life and everything it had to offer and he cherished every moment of it. He lived in a way that he never feared death. This man made her see colors and showed her the world she used to know in a different light. He held her hand in a matter that no man ever could and no man ever will again. He opened her eyes and brought her back to life. He made her believe again. And the way he said he loves her brought her to tears each time because, for the first time, there were no lies behind those words.

But she knew. Deep down in the pit of her stomach, she knew from the start. If she were ever to leave him, the colors would fade, her hands would grow cold and she would forget what laughter tasted like. And him? He would be fine. He had a thirst for life, not for her. He would move on, possibly without looking back. And that was the problem. Because he was the voice inside her mind, and she was just a thought that crossed his from time to time. And he understood her, by god, he knew her right down to her core, better than anyone else ever has. But he didn't need her in the way she needed him.

Now any logical person would come to the same conclusion: it's always better to be with the man who loves you more than life itself; than with the man who could easily go on as if you had never been a part of his life to begin with.

*But love doesn't run on logic, does it?

How do I unlove you?
I'd really like to know
I have all these thoughts in my head about you
but I can't express them in any
way,
shape
or form
and it's taking a toll on me
On one hand, I want all these feelings to just go away
and I keep wishing that,
if I ignore them enough,
they will.
But on the other hand... I just want to go outside and run,
run uphill, through the forests and meadows
run until I can't feel my legs anymore
run until I reach the top of the highest hill
surrounding this beautiful city of ours
and just
s c r e a m
at the top of my lungs
about how much I can't get you out of my head
how I think about you all the time
how you make my heart sing and how you
understand every single dark part of my soul
that no one else before you did
I want to stand there and look at the lights
colliding with the stars
and scream until my lungs collapse
about how I'm painfully,
irreversibly,
uncontrollably
in love with you.

Even when you're sitting
on the other side of the room,
I can feel your energy,
radiating,
your warm gaze burning my skin
from the flames in your eyes,
as if you were
right here
next to me.

She stood up
and walked out the door.
And she didn't look back.
So I stayed.
Confused, lonely, hungry.
Hungry for her -
her skin made of pale rose petals,
her hair made of pure flames,
her touch, like silk against my skin;
hungry for that fire in her eyes
wondering why
I didn't reach out my hand
to grab her
and make her stay.
But then I realized
that wildfire
cannot
be
held.

I conceive you with closed eyes.

your existence is not defined by the armor you wear
nor its dents and scratches
you are more than your limits and shortcomings
you are the first ray of sunshine
after a stormy spring
you are a cold gauze
on a skin filled with burns
you are the song I hear for the first time
and yet I've known it my whole life
you are every color in the spectrum
for someone who has only known black

when I imagine my future life
perhaps I don't see you next to me
but I feel you;
I know you're there
you are the only one who belongs there
and with time I realize -
that's all that matters.

I wish I was deaf.
Because every time I hear the wind sing,
I hear it calling your name.

I wish I was blind.
Because in every constellation and in every shadow,
I see the image of your face.

I wish I was mute.
Because every time I start to speak,
My lips wish to call out to you.

I wish I was immobile.
Because my feet ache to run to you,
Even though they shouldn't.

I wish I was dead.
Because every day I spend living is wasted,
Since none of them are spent with you.

A bird in the nest is
safe
warm
protected
but how will it fly?

I will tell you when you're wrong.
I have no problem calling you out on your mistakes
because we both know you're better than that.

I will tell you when I'm wrong as well.
I can put away my pride and admit defeat
because there are things that matter more to me.

I will tell you my thoughts.
I can share all my ideas on the secrets of the universe
because I know you're the only one who understands them.

I will tell you my dreams.
I want you to know every little thing that makes my heart race
in hopes that maybe I'll find

it makes your race as well.

I will tell you of my past.
I will take you by the hand and show you every corner
just so you can hold me when the memories become

too much to bear.

I will tell you my fears.
I will whisper of them all night as we drink our wine
and I will shake at each syllable, but I won't stop.

I will tell you my secrets.
I have so many thoughts inside this wounded mind
that I can't always conjure into words -

but I'll try my best to share them with you,
if you want me to.

I will tell you anything you wish to know
but darling, you must understand -
there are three little words
that I just
can't
tell you.

The shadows are waiting
The voices are chanting
In the humming I hear
slow taps

The eyes start bleeding
The lungs aren't breathing
Silently I hope for an
inevitable collapse

The throat starts coughing
The devil is laughing
I wait patiently for the
pain to start

The darkness empowers
The emptiness devours
But there's still a faint beat in
this hollow heart

They all went and they passed.
They were my blessings,
lessons
saviors
and my downfalls too.
They gave me
calmness and happiness,
before putting me straight in
the eye of the hurricane.
They gave me a lot to remember,
those who came before you.
They were a lot of things,
but there's one thing
they never were.

And now, you are my heart,
my soul,
my peace,
a part of my dreams.
You are my laughter
and my tears.
You are the songs that I sing
and the words that I bleed.
You are my weakness
and my greatest strength.
But the most important thing
that you are,
that no one ever was before -

You are my home.

I worry for you, my friend.

You look at the colors
With stars in your eyes,
But you still haven't embraced death
As a part of our lives

You push the happiness
With such certainty
But you forget that darkness
Is also a part of reality

I worry that you have forced
Your contentment too much
And once the high is gone
You will fall and crash

*And I'm not sure if I will be there to catch you.

I'm not from here
I feel so out of place
I need to get lost somewhere -
Just leave without a trace

These people around me,
they're so vile and close-minded
The things I hear and see every day
I'd rather be deaf and blinded

My mother said to me:
"Dear, your tries are in vain
To be so real in such a twisted place,
No wonder you're in so much pain.

You can always be like them
It'll be easy to lose your meaning
But just look at them. Just listen.
Do you want to be a heartless being?"

I'm not from here
I'm always out of place
I need to leave... somewhere
To disappear without a single trace.

I used to welcome our story
With a smile on my face
And a flutter in my chest,
But now there only remains
The bitterness on my tongue

I used to blindly believe
In fairy-tale endings
That I still wish to have faith in,
Even though now
I’m more familiar with tragedies

Now I lie to myself
That everything is fine,
The same,
And that it couldn’t be better
But I know it could.

I sit alone
As darkness consumes me
And I wonder
What am I
Even
Doing
Here?

From the first moment
I lost myself in your eyes

they could scream from the
rooftops
or put it in songs
recite me their poetry
and talk all night long
none of it mattered
their pleas were left unheard

because one look from your eyes
was still
louder than words.

Dear Mr. Shooting Star,
how many times
must I wish and
call out to you
until you finally
notice me?

                                                         ­                        Sweet naive little girl,
                                                           ­                                how many times
                                                           ­                              will you fall down
                                                            ­                                  and cry   *for me
                                                             ­                               *until you realize
                                                         ­                                  *I'm not listening?

Drinking in the sight of you
The slow burn in your eyes
I often don't know what to do
As you leave me hypnotized

I breathe in your scent
And your fragrance fogs my mind
I focus on the small fragment
Of what you could be hiding inside

Soft whispers and feather touches
That you provide leave me breathless
Timid smiles and stolen glances
Make my wild heart so restless

And you seem to come closer every time
To show me what I still cannot see
As if you try to make our lips align

                                                                            **or is it just me?

All my life I've been told
How to act and how to think
What to do and who to be

"Don't use those words"
"Don't stay out late"
"You should have fun!
Just not that way"
"Keep your grades up"
"Keep your laugh down"
"But whoever told you
you should frown?"

I've always been good
I did as I was told
I never misbehaved
But now I'm growing old
My youth is passing by me
And how have I spent it?
Obedient - I'm seeing it
Never the miscreant
But always the misfit

"Don't talk back"
"Don't disagree"
Can't you see
your words are hurting me?
"Honey, I always wanted the best for you"
Then why don't you let my real self
shine on through?

Never had any friends
and you ask me why?
How am I supposed to blend
when you never even let me try?
But that doesn't matter
it's not what I want
What I want is out there
and you keep me locked up
But it all ends now
though you still ask how -
how did this happen?
Why did I change?
Well now I'm here to tell you
I broke out from my cage
All these
Obligations
Frustrations
Condemnations
Aggravations
Your fixations
and my deprivations
They're done now cause can't you see?
From this day on
I'm doing me.

Everything is changing
But it all stays the same
I am broken and I am lonely
There's no one else to blame
The skies above our city are gray
And I don't want to stay
I dream to pack our bags
And grab your hand
Get in a car (a bus)(a train)
So we can see the land
But we can't
We just sit and wait
For a better day
For a better year
For more heart
And no fear
For our mothers to stop
Making our choices for us
Pushing their cowardice
and judgments
But I promise
One day that will change
One day we'll climb the mountaintop
And feel the grass beneath our feet
No one to tell us to stop
Or that we're in too deep
One day we'll fly above the clouds
And dream with our eyes open
Speak of those dreams aloud
Know that they will happen
One day we'll run with the waves
And sing with the wind
Because our hearts are the braves
They face life with a grin
This trap that we're in
The world where we live
It's not for us
But you put your arms around me
And everything slows
The clock is ticking
But time has stopped
No matter how much passes
It's not enough
When you're by my side
So I guess I can stay
I can keep fighting
For one more day.

I shall never admit
that all of my breaths
and heartbeats
are meant
only for you

I shall never admit
that all of my stars
and galaxies
I've saved
only for you

I shall never admit
that I've spent sleepless nights
leaving my whispers and tears
on my pillow
only for you

I shall never admit
that I was often speechless
while my knees, so restless,
buckled
only for you

I shall never admit
that for days I dreamed awake
and countless verses
I made
only for you

I shall never admit
that I will write, eternally
that this heart will bleed, internally
hopelessly
only for you
*my love

I've spent centuries
in this agony
My body changes
but time stays still

All this time I've passed
waiting to be found
like a bird inside a cage,
my feet chained to this ground

I can't keep my monsters at bay
but I can't run away

In the eye of each soul
all I see is fear
and my own still whispers
"I'm not from here"

By now I thought
I'd have more power
But at the end of each day
"it" still devours

Even though there's love in my heart
I still feel like falling apart

Each fight feels like
dark mirrors inside a maze
and all I see in this reflection
is my own empty gaze

My mind is light years
away from this place
Still the only thing that saves me
is your warm embrace

And when it feels like I have no choice
I recognize your voice

I'm so tired of this fight
But your love still keeps me warm
Together, we'll win this battle
Together, we'll breathe through the storm.

Late at night,
when I can't fall asleep,
I see your eyes in the shadows
on the walls
I feel your touch on my skin
through the blankets
I hear your voice whispering
masked by the wind
I almost see you standing next to my bed
but I know you're not really there.
I think to myself "how many years has it been?"
When was the first time you were here?
Was it when I was eleven and my grandmother was ill
and I watched her die
for months?
Was it before that?
Was it when I realized my mother doesn't truly understand me, and perhaps that she doesn't want to?
Was it when my friends betrayed me the first time?
When I realized I can only count on myself?
Because it somehow feels like
you've always been there.
When I first came home from school in bruises and tears,
you greeted me in the confinement of my four walls
and my room was no longer my solace.
When my mother shamed me for not being the best,
even when I tried so hard,
your whispers in my head got louder.
When my grandfather got older and he seemed to have a hard time remembering exactly why this teenage girl lived in the same house as him,
you finally had enough strength
to grab my face when you thought I was asleep.
When my first love betrayed me,
you wrapped yourself around me and started standing on my shoulders.
I could feel you weighing me down with each passing day.
So now I ask you,
it's been so many years.
Please
get off my back
and leave my head.

Being near you again
after a long time
feels as if I am Tantalus;
a thirsty man surrounded by water
but unable to drink it.

having to talk about the weather
with someone who knew
*every inch of your soul

Yes
You are a sunny afternoon
and a calm sea
with a glossed over surface
and the light breeze soothing my s k i n

But he
He's the tidal waves and
gray storm c l o u d s
with just a hint of midnight blue and
**thunderstorms
in the          d
                      i
                       s
                         t
                           a
                             n
                               c
                                 e

In a moment,
in one blur,
it was all rushing back;
cigarette smoke on my lips,
leaning in as if we're about to kiss,
arms squeezing me tighter,
my head getting just a little lighter

that knowing smirk

your hot breath on my neck
and the last time I checked
your hand wasn't on my thigh,
then you say in that longing sigh

"Are you jealous?"

and the question still lingers
like the sparks at the tips of my fingers.
But of course, I deny -
after all, you were never mine,
even though you still often steal a glance,
we don't stand a chance.

*But I guess it's no surprise
that I still dream of twilight skies
and your emerald eyes.

Give me your hand
my forbidden one
Let me lead you to the darkest corner
where our truth can come to light
Because that's the only place
we can exist -
in between the spaces of words
always left unsaid
Where you're not afraid
to show me your soul
And I'm not afraid
to let you take a step closer
But the flame can't burn for long
Because we both know
when morning comes
we'll play pretend
The whispers of the dark
will lay forgotten
Because in our world
of unfinished sentences,
where more often than not
there is a coma where a full stop should be;
"U" and "I" will never be
side by side.

I lost myself today
Have you maybe seen me?
I got lost in the crowd of
who they want me to be

I lay awake in bed
Perhaps I'll start to feel
Dreams are all I have
to know that I'm still real

A spear blows through my chest
Again I start to fall
I scream for help once more
But no one hears my call

Where do I go now
that I'm behind this wall?
Everyone I trust
leaves me lost after all

The walls are closing in
My chains cut deeper still
The echoes start to scream
They go in for the ****

The voices seem to say
"The truth will set you free"
The only one to save myself
has always been me

If I could go back now
and carry what I've learned
I'd find myself again
to try and stop the hurt.