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Oct 2017 · 252
un-diagnosable
Taylor Jayne Oct 2017
I walk out of the counseling clinic with hot tears streaming down my cheeks and put my hood up to try and cover my distress. I make it to my car without making eye contact, although I know everyone has been staring.

I get in, shut the door and finally let myself heavy sob. Ugly cry. A release of some of what I had been carrying.

Leading up to this moment, a lot of different things.

But the last straw that week was showing up to my therapist’s office needing support. She said hello and then proceeded to tell me after talking with her supervisor they had decided that since I was not diagnosable or a “billable” person they could not provide me services.

I stop and process what she’s just said, wondering if I heard her wrong, and knowing the mental health field well enough that I know she’s being serious. I am dysregulated as it is and my tears start flowing. The new therapist feels awkward and she keeps offering me water. I am embarrassed and pull it together long enough to be a “good beginning therapist myself” and tell her I understand the protocol. I messily pass on feedback about the lack of a trauma informed approach, the danger in having clients share their story and then declining them services, and to perhaps re-consider their agreement to provide counseling students services… as many of us are “high functioning”. Last I add, it would be nice to have received a phone call versus driving downtown to be told this. She nods. Expresses, she understands.

How is it that ironically, I feel bad for the therapist?

I ask if there is a backdoor so at least I can avoid meeting the eyes of those waiting in the waiting room with my flushed face and tears running down my face. I walk hurriedly towards the Exit.

So, I leave, and here we are again back in my car. I run through who I can call…. Realizing that I am the helper in most of my relationships. My sister and her fiancé just broke up, next on the list my friend who is likely getting out of knee surgery as my brain processes this, my mom… who has been supporting my sister all day, my brother … ( we aren’t talking), my roommate .. she’s been caretaking her sister for the last two months, my friend back in the Midwest.. I text her , big exam to study for, she would totally talk if I needed, I’m too proud. My friend I had plans with for the day.. cancelled also feeling anxious and needing time to herself.

So, I cry  a bit longer, stuff it back down enough to drive safely, get home. Take a hot shower, cry some more, journal and cope the best way I know how. Truly, I am fine. Truly, not the end of the world..

But does it need to be this complicated for those of us in helping roles? For anyone who may have challenging days and need support?

Who is to blame? Insurance companies, the government?

Maybe this is the problem with the way we view mental health in America and maybe this is why we are the sickest society in all of history.

but wait, not quite sick enough, right?

Can’t find a label in the DSM so that person will be fine on their own.

Oh society, need us not be on our knees before being allowed to ask for help.
Jan 2017 · 684
the end
Taylor Jayne Jan 2017
Current day.

I live in a country that claims we are equal.

Perhaps the largest of all the lies

Destroying lives
If even to only gain a penny
Individual gains at the sacrifice of many

I remember hearing stories of something called kindness once long ago
Although the importance is vague
And quickly fading

Flash forward.

What were once green meadows, now filled with trash.
Newspapers providing the storyline leading up to this bleak ending.

I keep my child close .
I shift her mask closer to her face.

I tell her of times I would run free through these same meadows

She nods, but I can tell she can’t even begin to imagine what I am describing.

The end.
Jun 2016 · 527
Concrete Jungles
Taylor Jayne Jun 2016
You speak of concrete jungles full of unknown
You speak of the last time and darkness that did unfold.

How you’d nearly lost yourself there. In the city lights and noise.  

How you can be surrounded by people and feel so alone
How a house doesn’t make a home


I know your tiring of the road
Wish I could soothe your worries
All I can offer is what I know

I won’t hurt you like she did
Wandering the streets without hope
Black notebook full of black tears made with black pens





I wont hurt you like she did.
Jan 2016 · 415
my brain on a tuesday.
Taylor Jayne Jan 2016
a year.
winter, spring, summer,fall.

normally I'd be packing my bags

preparing to leave.

some ******* statement about growth and the next adventure

as
   i
     walk
         out
           the
               door

my trend.


I guess I could stay awhile longer

but that would involve commitment.

and futuristic thinking

(Which is ******* scary for me)

reflecting: I've ran a lot.

why?

I find it simpler

less messy

committment involves giving more of myself

                                           committment involves vulnerability

and perhaps what I find even more terrifying

committment requires

                                                            hope.
Jan 2016 · 435
Life (optional)
Taylor Jayne Jan 2016
Sitting at my desk
Yet another day jobless

Another day to wake up and become hopeful
Only to find myself discouraged


Go to college they said
Get a job they said

Well, I’ve done this
And I’ve done that

And now here I am
25 years old

broke;
discouraged;

attempting to figure out
what the hell I am supposed to be learning from all this?

Resilience
They say

Embrace the struggle
They say

You just have to want it
They say

Well, I’ve done this
And I’ve done that

Sitting at my desk
Yet another day jobless
Jul 2015 · 397
Two souls
Taylor Jayne Jul 2015
And it is not that I need you
Yet I crave you .

I crave you in the most intimate way

I long for nights of deep conversation

Watching the sun rise , with my fingers (or legs ) entangled in yours

Two souls

Dancing

Becoming one

Intoxicated.
by the curves of your mouth

Moving south

Down the curves of my body
Feb 2015 · 1.9k
new moon
Taylor Jayne Feb 2015
a new month
       an almost full moon
a new chapter?

feeling less stifled

not sure if I am feeling less lost.

trying to appreciate the journey

lately,

realizing,

the path chosen
    may be more lonely
        than previously pictured.

remoteness.

Regardless,

I walk on
Taylor Jayne Jan 2015
and today i woke up sad and empty
with longing
and a soul full of regret

to love and be loved is one of the most amazing experiences

i have been lost
and  i know i will be more lost before i can be found

Alone

currently not enjoying the person i am

mistakes already made

cleaning up the messes i keep making
cleaning up the mess i am

I miss him today

my heart aches

Life is crazy and always changing
Dec 2014 · 406
we are only visitors
Taylor Jayne Dec 2014
they call me a traveler

making connections and then continuing on

never stopping to ponder,

if what I am leaving,

should really be left.

I try to explore;
         to explain.

The constant pull I feel,
       telling me to wander on.
Oct 2014 · 345
the head and the heart.
Taylor Jayne Oct 2014
sometimes my heart

bewilders me,

and sometimes my brain

judges me,

constant nagging.

never ceasing to lecture me.



for my heart is a hopeless wanderer
Oct 2014 · 357
discontented
Taylor Jayne Oct 2014
It  seems lately my dreams are my only refuge

I wake and the same unsettling,
burdensome thoughts rush in.

soul heavy.

I drag it around throughout my day

clarity crashing in .
and-consequently,
****** back out and away

my head recently just barely above water

I am beginning to fear I may drown,
drown  in my own pathetic tears of uncertainty

what a melancholy disaster  I have turned out to be

Yet,

Each  day
(insanity )

I continue to wake,
wishing to stay in my dreams

And each day as I go through each motion ..
I feel further away

grasping .

Grasping ,

for solutions to my heavy heart

and so , the tears continue
and so, the storm rages on

and so ,

I find myself once again
with my head
just barely above water.
Taylor Jayne Sep 2014
the forest floor is my bedroom

and for the brief moments  before the sun has woke

the forest is my sanctuary

my mind is silent

my heart full

and for those moments

I stop questioning

I stop processing

I am alive in the preset moment alone

I am free to just exist

and ****

how good it feels to just exist.
Feb 2014 · 368
the many winds
Taylor Jayne Feb 2014
I work with many people

Some sad, some angry, some  lost.

I comfort those with tears

I de escalate those who are screaming

screaming to be heard.

I sometimes wonder if if I am even heard

if I even make a difference

I wonder if they hate my very presence

I wonder if
Jun 2013 · 1.1k
fight or flight
Taylor Jayne Jun 2013
months have past
our bodies growing together
spirit, souls,
becoming tangled

But I leave you soon
and my heart is aching

and I am fighting the urge to push you
push you hard and urgently away


the plan for chaos was not a plan at all
merely an explosion of stuffed down emotions
that had been building ever so slowly

fear of losing you, fear of losing us

I rationalize,
this will make it easier
my head full of dark clouds
and now bittersweet memories
that once contained perfect nectar

a rare fruit we created together

and I fear so strongly the demise of us
I cannot tolerate to watch the leaves wither and fall

emptying our beautiful branches.

I 'd rather our tree burn
just as quickly as the fire that started between us

quick.
painless.


but to watch us fade
and watch our leaves fall
and watch our branches become empty

i must not
i could not

i cannot
Apr 2013 · 713
moments
Taylor Jayne Apr 2013
It is moments
Flashes of time, and space

Breathe.

Serenity, comes from within

Our spirit .
Grounded.

An  inner harmony within our soul


Uncontrollable.
Yet within our reach.

Late night spontaneity
Underneath the stars
In the cool waters

Your warmth
Against mine

Pace every quickening
Trying to slow,
The moments you hope to never forget

Bittersweet. Life’s nectar

Nourishing our bodies

And then fading away

Seasons ever changing

Growth inevitable

Unstoppable.

Path’s coming and going
Crossing, and ceasing to remain

Sunshine waking me through my window

I arise to another chance,
Another gift, another day.
Apr 2013 · 351
red wine's regrets
Taylor Jayne Apr 2013
tangled legs

and sheets

desperate exchanges

skewed perceptions

based on false hopes

you stop suddenly,

"please don't hate me"

in the morning

when I leave quietly

when I walk out your door

and you walk out of my mind.
Feb 2013 · 654
leave your queries
Taylor Jayne Feb 2013
Treading softly around their laughter
Covetous.
Brooding in my formed solitude
To feel as they feel
I swore I once did

Light turns to dark
Obscure.
Void ever deepening, ever darkening

Peculiar.
To crave consistency
Living in a realm
With a transcribed ending

Alas, someday
Understanding will be upon us

retorts we shall not want to hear

Nor muse

Nor feel
Jan 2013 · 484
evade you, i cannot
Taylor Jayne Jan 2013
the words we tried so desperately to conceal

hidden , buried

feelings neither you nor i wanted to feel

so gently we tip toed over emotions

we had scattered  so carelessly across the floor

pieces of our broken effort

to try to let love in


we whispered under tangled sheets

to break our walls down

I want to feel he said

then feel , she said .
Jan 2013 · 517
to love only darkness
Taylor Jayne Jan 2013
deep exchanges of conversation
clear evidence of our sins

to go back now

to fix the wrong

an impossible possibility


irreversible devastation,
together that was our only creation

was our love merely and illusion
a fabrication of something that did not really exist?

it cannot be

yet so vividly i see

the reminders fading to a shade of purple on my wrists

aching in my heart

darkness in your soul

a downward spiral

Not everyone’s happy place is happy
Jan 2013 · 1.6k
perhaps it is the rain
Taylor Jayne Jan 2013
I feel restless
mind racing
heart beating impatiently

wandering

not in darkness
far from light

no reason to feel
unsettled as I do

perhaps it is the rain

I should be content
naked beneath my sheets
smelling of lavender and mint

why should I long for a feeling
something i can neither grasp
nor describe

yet I can feel its empty weight

pressure.

bearing down on me slowly
oh how very slowly

seducing my spirit

my soul

discontent longing

for what

I do not know
Jan 2013 · 566
when we were young
Taylor Jayne Jan 2013
Where has the innocence gone?

the carefree days
when time was merely a word
and tears came only from laughter

what is the lesson we are to take from this world?
a world that dismisses our feelings
showing no empathy
a world so beautiful
so painful

Where has the innocence gone?
the days of make believe
and dreams of the future
the days we were invincible

As we grow
it seems those memories fad
for the process of growing
teaches us those memories
could only be imaginative

that our warrior castles
were only chairs covered in sheets
and our armor
merely cardboard and tape

Oh how I long
for the simplicity of those days
the comfort of endless hope
and possibilities
Jan 2013 · 716
whispers
Taylor Jayne Jan 2013
I am left alone with the quiet whispers of the wind

the warmth of the suns sweet rays

in this moment I am at peace with the world

and finally find peace within myself

— The End —