1.
The moon looks iridescently illuminated from within,
light searing through every little crack of it’s hard exterior.
I want you to know that when I look at the moon
all I see is your skin.

2.
I try to tell you that when you hold me
it feels like the whole entire world is surrounding my body all at once
but an unfamiliar silence seeps off my tongue
and has nothing to do but to spill onto your lips.

3.
The first night we pressed our bare chests together
we woke up melted into each other.
I try to claw and scratch you out but
I taste you and understand hunger.

4.
You’re inside of me
I think I see you in my veins.

5.
You remind me of finally seeing snow
after thinking it would be another green Christmas.
You’re fire near cold hands and a beautiful quiet.

I think we had been waiting for each other in that coffee shop.
My hands were icy and my cheeks were red
I avoided eye contact for fear of memorizing your face too soon.

The next summer, we both contemplated different ways to hurt ourselves.
Mine was staying with a boy who was always ****** when he called
and yours was driving your pretty blue pickup truck off a bridge.

You slowly turned me into a God that you’d worship every night
a shining beacon of light that you had claimed never to have seen before.
You got down on your knees and frantically begged for forgiveness
each time you weren’t gentle and said the wrong thing.
You did that a lot.

I’d feel your lips graze my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
All I wanted was for you to climb it
but you tried to break it in half every night.
Hand over my mouth and fingernails pressed too hard into my back
I tried to remember what my skin looked like unmarked.

Do you remember cupping my face in your hands and saying you’ll love me forever?
You always said that I’d be the one who left you.
I guess you were right.

I thought you’d appreciate the honesty
when I told you that I can’t see the future.
I didn’t know if I would taste your words
as a sugary and syrupy substance next year
or whether there will be a time when I question the words
‘I love you’ coming from my mouth.

I swallow down selfish words
Because you love me more when I pretend to moan your name.
You grab my face with your big hands and I look up at you.
Remember when I said I’d do anything for you?
I didn’t know it had to be self sacrificing.
A sadistic smile grows and covers your body
and ruins the bed
and bruises my skin
each time you hear me express pain.
I swallow down the word ‘stop’
Because you love me more when I pretend to moan your name.

I can disguise myself quite well
Throw a type of layer over my personality
Paint a type of layer atop my face.

Layer by layer the barrier builds up
"It's gotten stronger" I hear.
It's stronger on the surface
The material no longer sheer.

My layers get heavy sometimes
But they're crucial and my protection
They've learned to grow like flowers
Sprouting rom my skin
They're pretty but their roots are very *****.

Sometimes when I need them, my layers disappear
They leave me cold and naked
My soul's not use to being bare.

So I'll grab these flowers by their roots
And chop off all their heads
And I'll wait for the layers to grow back
Again.

I have subconsciously taught my hands to shake
When I hear certain noises
I have memorized the sinking heart feeling
And dropping to a million pieces
In a split second
Rush of adrenaline; Straight to my brain.
Thoughts squeezing themselves up
Thoughts that make my head spin

I have tortured myself with "What if's"
Too many times at 3 in the morning
At the drop of a pin, the only thing to settle it
Is the sound of your soft snoring.
Peaceful like I know your head isn't.
Dreaming like I know you try and refrain from doing

And I will blame the world for ruining you
Because I'm desperately searching for an excuse
I will hate although it's unfamiliar to me
I will cry because I've been taught this feeling
You don't deserve these feelings
You don't deserve to know I've gotten used to
My hands shaking at night
How I've memorized the sound of your silent room
So I know when something is out of place

I told myself to toughen up
I have to toughen up
I have to learn to fight
Because you need me to
I have to learn that this won't just go away
My hands ill still shake through tonight
My heart will still drop when I don't hear you breathing
And those torturous "What if's" will keep me up again tonight.

I spent my summer learning French.
How I should drop the end of words
Pretend they don't exist
How I should memorize the verbs
Or I'll be motionless.

I spent my summer learning French.
I learned how the combinations of a few letters
Can turn pretty
And the imagery
Is smooth on the tip of your rolling tongue
Sliding off your lips.

I spent my summer learning French.
I've learned that language possesses beauty
But how come
When I had seen your hopeful and smiling face
I could only muster out harsh sounds
Hard letters
Ugly words
And an "It feels different."

Why are these words not smooth
Like the ones my lips had memorized
Traced like constellations we had followed with our eyes
I know how to sound beautiful
So why do my words make me want to cry?

I spent my summer learning French
And I'm sorry I slowly forgot your face.

I'll hold your hand
I will promise those tears
To seep through my paper skin
Although I know yours is combined
Of cardboard and pieces of glass.

I'll use these fragments and these letters
Because I know they're stronger than
The fist you're so fond of using.
I'll make these mysteries
Less of a complexity for you
Because of this vital fluid
Surrounds us, keeps us together.

Please don't close your hand into a fist
For I've spent mountains and skies
Trying to change your mind
And please don't let other people decide
Where your brain is
Because you know it's only biology.

I'll hold your hand
And I'll lie to your pretty face
Say "It's meant to be this way"

And I will cry
Every night
because our blood has soaked through my paper skin.