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Tatiana Lasky Oct 2017
Bruised,
Battered,
Mind scattered,
Clothes tattered,
I dust myself off
And tell myself "I’m okay.”
“I can overcome the pain”

"HELP WANTED!"
Not me
I don’t want to bother or worry anyone
So I cling to bed and find solace in my dreams

I’m awake in a daze
Staring at the ceiling for a half an hour
I pull myself together and get in the shower
Thinking
Thinking
Thinking
Thinking some more
About all of yesterday’s regrets before I walk out the door

Shots
Shots
Shots
Shots to my face
Anything I can do to lessen the pain
Drunk sadnesses
But hey, “it’s college and that’s what everyone does”
So I keep going
I keep trekking on
Lying to myself
That it will be better tomorrow

Tomorrow is here...

And I’m still tattered
Sick
Worn down
My hearts’ shattered.
But I keep going
I keep stumbling through the crowd.
'E'
Tatiana Lasky May 2014
'E'
Excite me, entice me, surprise me
Stop the clock
Let's travel to the past when we were young and dumb
I see the person you really are, but do you see me?
Let's trace our veins until we reach our hearts
Why are we so broken and soft-spoken now?
Yet we were once so pure and free.
Excite me, entice me, surprise me
Tatiana Lasky Jan 2016
How does it feel to be invincible?
To never be ill
To be immortal
How does it feel to be perfect?
To have great looks
To be intelligent and have an unlimited amount of friends
How does it feel to be admired by a large groups of people who don't know you personally?
To feel desired by many
To have a sense of self entitlement
How does it feel to be loved infinitely?
To be wanted
To be needed
To be adored, deeply
How does it feel to have accomplished everything in life?
To know you were a good brother, sister, mother, father, husband, or wife.
I wish I knew.
Tatiana Lasky May 2015
Melt my memories
Let's transcend time
Never forget history
If only I could escape this pain
Bring me back to this harsh reality
Help me to overcome this misery
Why can't it be you and me forever?
I wish we had spent more time together
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me
I would give anything to see your youthful face  
There is no trace
I'm so blue without you in my life
I sing myself a lullaby
Good-bye
I guess this is good-bye
Tatiana Lasky Aug 2015
Insecurity
In a world full of ugliness, lies, and deceit.
From my mother's mouth "I hate you." "You're the devil." "You're flat chested.""You're a *****.""You're fat."
From the beautiful, voluptuous, intelligent girls, I compare myself to
From my ex-boyfriends, who made jokes about my body

I'll never be good enough, because society has a distorted view of how we should look, act, think, and feel.

Social media has plagued our minds with irrelevant garbage and has provided a stage for public degradation.
We are victims to its unexplainable gander.

With such a heavy influence on appearance, people everywhere are striving to look like celebrities.

With the promotion of insecurity, loving yourself is one of the hardest challenges to conquer.

Telling yourself "I'm worthy," is inconceivable.

We consume ourselves with obsessions, making confidence unachievable.

It's an endless cycle of demeaning others to make ourselves feel adequate.

We can also choose to cope with self harm or suicide.

The utterance, "No one can save you, but yourself."

Very few people reap positivity.
Very few people will encourage you.

Dehumanizing you
Humiliating you
Degrading you

Try not to feel angry,
Try not to feel depressed.

Maybe one day we'll overcome this, but self-loathing is what we do best.
This is a draft, not a poem. Sorry for the ranting.
Tatiana Lasky May 2015
Tell me I'm beautiful
Tell me I'm smart
Tell me I have a good heart
Deceive me
Make me believe you want me
Make me feel worthy
Make me feel loved
Understand me
Pretend to listen
Pretend to empathize
Pretend to be my friend
Tell me some more *******.
Tatiana Lasky Jan 2016
You found me laying in a pool of white sheets
Your breath feels like a warm sea breeze
You woke me with a gentle kiss
The tip of your tongue cresses my lips
Your fingers trace the contours of body
Your presence consumes me
I feel free
I grow hotter from your touch
It's not enough
Breathe into me
I want you with every fiber of my being.
Tatiana Lasky Jul 2016
Obsession followed by jealousy and possession,
masked as love

Manipulation and deceit
Lying through your ******* teeth

Hateful words and aggression followed by violent outbursts, and
the sound of your fist going through the wall

Always rationalizing your bad behavior
or blaming me

Isolation and Oppression

Prodding and stalking, prodding and stalking

Control,
You stole
my life away

But I settled for
Walking on eggshells so as not to disturb
Hiding my views so as not to provoke
Trying to fit into your perfect mold

I thought our shapes would tessellate, but I was blinded by the misconception of your alleged love for me
I wrote this to raise awareness that abuse comes in all forms. Most people fail to realize that you do not have to be physically harmed by someone to experience abuse. Know the signs and find the strength to get away. Obsession and control does not equal love.
Tatiana Lasky Aug 2015
I am laying in a pasture of tall grass and wild flowers
There you are, another dreamer, lying beside me
Soon after, I lay enveloped in your arms
We watch the majestic animals grazing and the ever illuminating stars
Mesmerized with the vibrant colors in your eyes
You stare into mine before you kiss me
I am so alive, as if I've been revived
By the alluring beauty of this bliss
Unfortunately, it has gone amiss
I have awoken from this serenity that only exists in my dreams.
Tatiana Lasky Feb 2015
I have refuse to stumble through life
unaware,
uninvolved,
impaired

Through sickness
I have discovered the function of being
Through numbness
I have discovered the absence of unity
Through hardship
I have discovered the importance of strength

I refuse to be amused by satirical death
I will not to be confined by the silent lapse of time
I will not be a prisoner to my own mind

I speak only to the passing tides,
with a mended broken heart and honest lies
Tatiana Lasky May 2014
The dreadful words I've heard makes my heart ache.
I tried to block them out of my head.
The words chose to stay long and not leave instead.
I feel deep inside me I might just break.
Words spoken are not thought of as a mistake.
Evil words pierce my soul and I feel dead.
Though, my heart is still beating strong and red.
I wish the words would go away for God's sake.
The devil's words I heard, I still hear today.
Afraid, I sit alone in sorrow.
There's no remorse for what's being said.
I can only hope for a better tomorrow.
I wish I could stop the spiteful words from coming, I wish they wouldn't start.
The words I've heard, have scarred my heart.
Tatiana Lasky Feb 2015
Your scent resinates on my skin
The image of you staring at me naked
"I feel so violated" I said over and over in my head
I told you "no"
You kept going
I didn't stop you, because I thought it's what you wanted
"I cared about you. How could you do this to me?"
No answer.

Please free me of your restraints
You're done using my body to soothe your desires
I want to take a shower
Let me wash away all the lies you told me
Let me wash away the pain

I allowed you to bring me here
I followed you into your bedroom
Preventing this from happening was all I could think about
The possibility of you fighting me
or
not allowing me to leave was stronger

So I laid there
Motionless
Worthless
Distraught
Forced friction
No emotional protection

"Go ahead," I thought
No escaping you now
You sweat profusely
I'm weeping internally
You know something is wrong
You say nothing

Text: "I need you"
Text: "I'm sorry"
Tatiana Lasky Oct 2017
Underneath my smile and work effort, I am lost.
I am broken.
I am restricted.
I am soft spoken,
Unheard
When I try to express my feelings about something I love or hate
I am ridiculed
I am yelled at
I do everything I can to please others, but I get no appreciation and love
in return
I feel I am a worthless person
I feel I am stupid and uncool
I am used, then thrown away

Activists, artists, actors, singers, poets, slaves, soldiers are not recognized until they're dead
That's why we have history books
To tell the story of others, who had no voice
Even those who tried to speak up and were silenced

I wondered if I died, would anyone notice?
My mother would miss me, but that is all.
No one can possibly love me as unconditionally as my mother.
Other than having her in my life
     I am alone.
I think about ending my life everyday.
I am not a violent person, but I want to end the pain.
Then I think about my father, who died by suicide
I was so angry with him when he did it, but now I truly get it
I truly know how it feels for your chest to hurt,
     for your pillow to be wet with tears from sleepless nights, where all you did was cry
     and to have no motivation, no drive
     There is no end goal Nothing to look forward to
I wish he knew how much I love him and how much I miss him
I wish he knew that I understand his pain
He is the past tense and I am today
Living, but not thriving
Dreading the nights
When I'm in the darkness and alone
I usually can't sleep, but when I do,
     I am truly at peace
When morning comes
The sun shines through the window
I am relived
I go about my day, my routine
Every night I feel a grave sadness
The cycle repeats 

I am
Love
Light
I go through life unacknowledged, unrecognized
I am the flickering candle          
       about to burn out,        
     about to **** the flame,
about to die
Tatiana Lasky Apr 2017
Day 7872 of my existence
I tried to end it all, but the
knife was not in reach and the scissors were much too dull
Regressed into my depression
No savior in sight
No organized religion will help me see the light
I'm convinced it is my fate to go blissfully in the night
Ignorance is bliss, but the wise are always jaded
they see how cold the world is and how you're never appreciated

You're on your own, alone, in the darkness, in the sorrow
You pay a person to listen to your problems, so you'll get through the day and hopefully make it until tomorrow
Nothing is ever free,
not even love from your family
It always comes with a price or a condition

A vulnerable, worn down person
To be used and abused is my norm
Listening to the rain, I identify with the storm
I feel it's aguish and its thirst to be heard, to have a voice
The calming effect that emerges afterwards is not resolution, but conceding to the fight
To lose that endless battle, that I won't come out of alive
Tatiana Lasky Feb 2015
I try to be a good person, but I'm really just a ****-up
You read it right
I unintentionally sabotage everything
Everything important
Everything sacred
Everything real
Yup that's me
The person who always says the wrong things
Does the wrong things
Some self loathing
Maybe a little punishment
Then everything will be ok
But I'm just a ****-up and that'll never change
Tatiana Lasky May 2014
*****
Not literally or physically
You stripped me of my emotions, as if I am dead
Surviving, but not thriving
You made me feel worthless
You haunt me, as your dark image stays imprinted in my mind
Oh, Blue Valentine
#icyheart #spilledink
Tatiana Lasky Jun 2015
Something's missing  
Some sort of void that can not be filled
What's wrong?
What's bothering me?

It's you, daddy
I miss you
Your laugh
Your warm embrace
Your smiling face
The language you created that few can understand
Your heart of gold
The many memories that I hoped would never end

It is no more
You promised you would never leave me
But you're gone
Nothing remains
Except me,
A carbon copy of you

Come back
Why did you go?
I'm so alone

Something is missing,
That something is you
There is apart of me that is so empty

I'm just a shell of a human being.

— The End —