Today was weird for me.
I was so nervous and trembling with guilt.
~I don't have enough money.~
But my grandmother was going to buy everything.
I saw her pick out things like the price meant nothing.
She saw a pretty blouse and said "do you like it?"
Of course I liked it.
It was a pretty blue and had a very adorable set of flowers at the cusps.
The flowers were vintage.
It spoke of a librarian's day off.
A golden morning while sipping coffee,
with a walk on the beach after lunch.
but it was thirty dollars.
And I knew that if I said I liked it, she would toss into the cart.
She couldn't.
~ I don't want you to spend money on me.~
I shriveled.
As if I had aged significantly in under thirty seconds.
my back caved and my arms tucked themselves around my waist.
I suddenly found a great source of interest in my feet.
"I think it's really pretty," I utter.
"Do you want it," she asks.
It hangs like a thirty pound weight in her hands.
Of course I wanted.
"Oh, I don't think they have my size."
Of course they had my size.
She put it in.
I felt my soul snap.
How could I ask to spend so much of her earned money on me.
She works two jobs, and decides to use her paycheck on a lavish blouse for her granddaughter.
That thirty dollars could have gone towards food or gas.
How dare I become worth more than comfort?
She bought it despite my attempts to change her mind.

I love the shirt, it fits me well.
I feel confident and pretty in it.
but the guilt feels like I traded the world for it.

you asked me to stay home while you worked.
I would take care of the house and the baby.
you would give me the money and I pay the bills.
I went to school and did the paperwork.
I cleaned every room.
You told me that you hated your job.
So now you stay at home while I work.
I still go to school.
I still take care of the baby.
I still clean the house.
I still do the paperwork.
I feel drowned by the promises you didn't keep.
Your video games wake me from my daydream.
Your voice soothes my anger,
but it never leaves.

I feel lost.
Like there is someone giving me the wrong directions.
I am constantly taking the wrong turn at the intersection,
My car is low on gas.
I am lost.
It’s like I am in the woods for the first time.
Every tree looks the same, every cave is new
Even though I passed it minutes before.

This feeling goes deep into my chest
And wraps its fingers around my organs
Squeezing them until my chest seizes up.
I sit at the dinner table while my body goes to war.
I guess it doesn’t matter though because there is only one casualty.

They say not to think about it.
Pretend that the feeling isn’t there.
Blink three times, and breathe.
Snap your fingers and breathe.
Whistle a tune and breathe.
Do nothing,
Ignore it
And breathe.

So many colors in the world
too many to see
and pick from.
people that have a favorite color
astound me.
How can you choose something that
stands out in a world of beauty?
Who am I to say that green is my favorite color
on a day when I am clearly feeling blue?
Tell me something I don't know about a color,
and I will absorb into my skin
and live in the pigment.
But show me a pretty flower and suddenly
I'm consumed by red.
Let me smell a beautiful scent
that reminds me of purple,
or a song that screams magenta
and I am nothing but the rainbow.

You made it just in time,
For me to reminisce.
Looking back through the glass
I vividly see your face.
Your smile
Your hair
The way we’d encase our love
In midnight conversations.
You were
And still are
My love.

I woke up
With a clear head
For the first time in two months
Misplaced longing not hiding underneath my pillowcase
For once
I knew what I wanted
And it wasn’t you
For once
I knew I couldn’t keep doing this,
Seeing you
Promising pure intentions
And ending with you curled up naked beside me

You can not make love where there is no love

And I no longer desire you.

For the repercussions have finally pushed me over the edge

I know what I want
One good night of sleep later

And it isn’t you.