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Apr 2019 · 190
waking
erin Apr 2019
it's okay
if you fall back into old habits,
they helped serve you
once.

one day you'll wake up
with the sun
and the birds
and the trees,
take a breath in.
this is all you need.

replace the past with love.

forgive forgive forgive
again and again,
as many times
as it takes.
Dec 2018 · 11.5k
what does it feel like
erin Dec 2018
what does it feel like to be held
not by another body
not by a set of limbs, a chest, a chin
but
by another soul

what does it feel like
to see truth in another pair of eyes
instead of hidden intentions
instead of absence

what does it feel like
to hear a familiar heartbeat
resounding next to your own
reaching through skin
through bone
two rhythms
indistinguishable

what does it feel like
to write poems about
a love that exists
Apr 2018 · 266
Untitled
erin Apr 2018
you
a matrix of energies
residing in a physical vessel

an eternal soul
bound
to this manifestation
of the universe

your entire being
is revolutionary
Mar 2018 · 199
Untitled
erin Mar 2018
have you been broken
yet?

are you empty now?
has time come by to
dig the dreams clean
out of you with endless
reaching fingers,
taking
taking

what are you left with?
is it enough?
Feb 2018 · 137
mercury in retrograde
erin Feb 2018
i needed to lose you to realize
i never needed you at all
Jan 2018 · 194
unspoken objection
erin Jan 2018
I don't want this
but I came here this late
I don't want this
but I let him think I would
I don't want this
but I'm already undressed
I don't want this
but I don't want to argue
I don't want this
but it will be over soon

I didn't want that
I didn't want that
I didn't want that
but I didn't say no
Jan 2018 · 214
Untitled
erin Jan 2018
it's 10 at night and I'm out
with the familiar ache in my gut
craving to be anywhere(anyone) else

it's 12 in the morning
and I want to be high
so I won't care that
he only calls me when
it's 12 in the morning

it's 1:30 now
he's inside me
I don't think
I've ever felt
so *******
alone
Nov 2017 · 119
things I've lost on you
erin Nov 2017
40 bucks and my self respect

because when you call a month later
after shutting me out
to get high and **** somebody else
I still pick up and I lie to myself

I won’t go  back
ok, but I won’t do a line
ok, but I won’t get in bed
ok, but I won’t have ***

ok but, I will
ok but, I do
Nov 2017 · 121
Copenhagen
erin Nov 2017
he told me I was a "på-person"
loosely translated to an on-person,
I was alive. And I could prove it.
yes, I'll leave this coffee shop to
go halfway across town for sushi
with the Danish boy I just met.
yes, I'll let you take me home
after and yes I'll ******* on
the first date.
yes, I'll spend the night instead of
studying for my final and yes I'll
go to class in last night's clothes.
yes, I'll chase you from club to club
in the middle of your ******
so we can ride the city bikes at 4am.
yes, I'll jump naked into the harbor
even though the water is frigid
and the sun is already rising.
yes yes yes

but no
I won't forget
Sep 2016 · 260
the girl i once was
erin Sep 2016
when you left you stole
a part of me i had been
growing writing creating
for years
for my life

i was unabashedly alive
i could be fierce
hopelessly free
i was so much more

how can i replace that
Sep 2016 · 298
chicago
erin Sep 2016
being beautiful got me to his bed
to the couch in his basement
to the old **** carpet that
had never been replaced.

being beautiful made me feel wanted
alive again

until another girl was more beautiful
on her back
on her knees.

being beautiful got me unanswered calls.
collapsing to the shower floor with a
hand over my mouth
his name in my mouth.

he taught me that i was beautiful,
he taught me that it meant nothing
Aug 2016 · 1.2k
a reliable pattern
erin Aug 2016
i open up
they walk away
Jul 2016 · 489
closure
erin Jul 2016
it's ok to decide
you don't want me.
i won't keep tugging on
your sleeve to try to
make you love me.
but after all i have given,
after all we have shared,
i deserve to know
why.
Jul 2016 · 232
tell me goodbye
erin Jul 2016
don't leave
if you can't
mean it
Jun 2016 · 205
Untitled
erin Jun 2016
do you remember the changing light
outside your basement windows?
the sound of my shallow breaths
as I lay beneath you glowing incandescent
with my back arched and arms outstretched?

do you remember our bodies entwined?
vulnerable
and eternal

was it only me who felt doused
in the radiance of the sunset?
who felt comforted in the
company of summer night?
who fell in love?

do you remember?
I can't forget,
I can't forget you.
Jun 2016 · 263
preston
erin Jun 2016
this is your least favorite part

two weeks later we put our clothes back on

two weeks later i'm not in love
because i don't know love but i'm
enamored with you.
i think it will be hard to forget a boy who
filled me with fluorescent light,
someone so electric
so alive.

two weeks later you're on a plane to chicago
and i'm laying in bed listening to the empty
sounds of my body without you.
i never even got to see you drunk or see your hair
in the morning still matted
from sleep.

two weeks later i ache from the absence of you

this is my least favorite part
Jun 2016 · 235
expectation vs reality
erin Jun 2016
i tried floating once
i tried dripping honey and growing flowers with my body
i tried being as light as the wind
caressing softly, then leaving
like they want me to

i couldn't float
i taste like salt and soil, my body too turbulent for anything to bloom
i am heavy and sink into the earth
but i am alive
that is good enough for me
Jun 2016 · 180
young gods
erin Jun 2016
living like young gods in the city
your average broken kids
collecting sins
and memories
Feb 2016 · 157
Untitled
erin Feb 2016
i don't remember
what it feels like
to feel like
myself
Feb 2016 · 191
Untitled
erin Feb 2016
i heard my heart break
when i first saw your face

i knew those hungry eyes
didn't line up with
that sticky sweet smile

i couldn't look away
Jan 2016 · 148
confession III
erin Jan 2016
breaking
your
heart
broke
me
Jan 2016 · 262
breaking up
erin Jan 2016
once i made my mother cry
and it broke my heart
but it was nowhere near as hard as
watching you fall apart
desperately and fully
from the passenger seat of your car
knowing i had just done the worst
thing you could imagine
Sep 2015 · 427
labor day weekend
erin Sep 2015
I know I like to act like I'm too good for that country ****
and I still refuse to wear cowboy boots or say "y'all",
but I had the time of my life with you in a town of
roughly 600 where the whole yard is a driveway
and dogs roam free.
The rides at the city fair may have been held
together with duct tape but they fulfilled all my
secret childhood dreams of going to a carnival
with the prettiest boy in town. You ate funnel cake
and I had a corn dog and I felt so in love.
At night we sat on the porch swing with our hands
barely touching. We listened to the crickets and cicadas
and watched your dog watch the light and shadows
alternate through the window.
In the morning we went to the river and I swung
on a rope swing for the first time. Your head bobbing
in the perfect blue-green water is something I'll never forget.
We followed your younger cousins behind the waterfall and
when they left we kissed and kissed and kissed.
I fell so much more in love with you.
I am so in love with you.
Now there are miles between us again but you're never far
from my mind, and know that I'll always remember that small town called Miller.
Jul 2015 · 220
summer part three
erin Jul 2015
a summer with you.
a summer,
not nearly enough.
but will 235 miles
be too much?
feeling conflicted about having begun a relationship right before I leave for college
Jul 2015 · 318
but then
erin Jul 2015
I was so ready to leave this place
I only realized I loved after I'd
decided to go
but then you stared at me
like there was nothing you'd rather see
then you held me like you meant it,
like no one in my life had been honest
until that moment when you wrapped
your arms around me and I felt safe
for once
for once calm, content
then you wrestled me to the ground
and blew on my stomach like a kid
and I kicked and screamed and
laughed like I was
like I am
then you kissed me
and kissed me
and kissed me

now I don't know
if I can let go
Jul 2015 · 176
summer part two
erin Jul 2015
everything I've always wanted
too late, pray
wait for me.
I'll be waiting
for you
Jun 2015 · 179
summer part one
erin Jun 2015
there's a certain way
the sun dances on my skin
that reminds me of your touch
May 2015 · 176
confession II
erin May 2015
every time you look at me
I'm so so afraid
you see her
May 2015 · 277
strayed
erin May 2015
i was so afraid of losing me
but maybe you have to
stray from yourself
in order to
find yourself
again
May 2015 · 380
1:30 am
erin May 2015
she walks lonely in the night
through the constant
waves of streetlight
(more
and then less)
lights a cigarette-
inhales.

and lets out a breath.

the darkness fills the gaps
she never could by herself.
her eyes are soft and weary
searching the swirls
in the atmosphere,
faintly she whispers
"what are you looking for?"

what are you
looking for?
Apr 2015 · 1.0k
hasty and hazy
erin Apr 2015
when you lean down your eyes toward me
I can hear the whisperings of the universe
and when you swing down your arms toward me
I'm lifted into the wilderness
because your lips are wild
and they ravage
me
you found me fishing for ligaments
or maybe something to join my soul to my body
like another supplement
to feed my psyche

secretly
I'm waiting for day break
and the day you take
me
Mar 2015 · 318
guilt
erin Mar 2015
staring at the shattered glass
of my mom's wine
I dropped on the kitchen floor
thinking that deep red
looks good on white tile
and thinking maybe I deserve this,
in fact maybe I deserve to
lay on the scattered shards,
one piece of glass in the back
for lying to someone I love,
one in the thigh where he
kissed me while she was gone
for the night...
thinking I'm being eaten
inside out and it's only a matter
of time before something comes out
      about it.
twenty minutes later there's
wine on my socks and
the front of my shirt is wet,
with tears I guess,
but all I'm thinking is
guilty
guilty
guilty
I don't think
I can fix this.
erin Mar 2015
I can feel myself slipping
slipping
slipping
and I don't want to
think about how I feel
(like glass in the bottom
of a kaleidoscope being
mixed up and up and up)
and I don't want to
think about you
(even though I still
wear your shirt when
it's late and the night
seems a little too long)
I just want to drink
until the bottle is as
empty as I am
and I want boys who
don't love me
and I don't have to pretend
that I love them
too.
I learned that life is easier when you're not living in it
Feb 2015 · 382
I've never seen an angel
erin Feb 2015
when I first saw you
I thought maybe
you were an angel
and the way you looked at me
gave me my own set of wings...
well you never showed me
gates of white
but lines of ******* did
look almost heavenly.
what's the harm in sin
if we'll just be forgiven again?
like I forgave you
again and again and again
(your lies went down as
smooth as the pills)
how was I to know
the space between you
and your sheets
wasn't the palace
I had been waiting for?
you left open your
closet door-
white feathers, broken
and mangled, strewn on the floor,
a hundred other angels who
had been here before.
angels don't cry
angels don't cry
but if you were ever an angel
you fell before I met you
and maybe now
I've fallen
too.
Feb 2015 · 327
I can be content
erin Feb 2015
I can be content
with daydreams
because I love
the longing and
I'm addicted
to the distance,
suspense,
I prefer your
touch when your
fingers are ghosts and
your lips hold
whatever secrets
I want to be told

I can be content
with the
anticipation,
hallucination,
existent only in my
imagination

I can be content
because
this way it
never has
to end.
Jan 2015 · 223
melancholiac
erin Jan 2015
sometimes I only feel at home
on empty streets

sometimes I pick up the phone
just to listen to the dial tone
(it sounds like the absence of you)

sometimes I fall asleep
hoping I wake up
and sometimes
hoping
that I don't
Jan 2015 · 208
high
erin Jan 2015
Inhale
head spins
thoughts leave
too bright lights
make me laugh
like you never did
mind is everywhere
like the open air but
not focused on anything
body being pulled down
under... A clawing
somewhere in the
back of my head
but I won't hear
not tonight
I'm too
high
Jan 2015 · 396
unfamiliar
erin Jan 2015
I don't recognize
the face in the mirror
Something in me
is lost,
something vital
familiar
And I think it left
when you did
Dec 2014 · 546
evaluation
erin Dec 2014
A girl of only seventeen,
who knew you could make
so many mistakes.
Was it that long ago?
Your dress was always white
and you could sleep without
worrying or waking yourself
from muttering "no, no, no,
I don't know this person
I've become."
What have you done?
You crashed your car for the second time,
careless/stupid/thoughtless/daft.
When's the last time you didn't make
your mother mad?
You loved too many boys
you didn't know
because falling into bed
is easier than getting up again.
You smoke like a new bad habit
and your best friend's a
soon-to-be addict;
you said you knew you had sinned
and yet you still refused to repent.
The verdict is in: it seems
the world would be a better place if
you weren't in it.
Dec 2014 · 199
confession I
erin Dec 2014
to kiss
him
I have
to pretend
he's
y o u
Nov 2014 · 409
bad blood
erin Nov 2014
We used to be one and the same,
saw the world through
one set of eyes;
where my thoughts left off
yours picked up
before they even
left my mouth.
We would get high
on autumn nights
and laugh until we
blacked out,
our hair braiding together
on the pillow
until it was impossible
to tell yours from mine.
But as hard as we could laugh
harder we could fight;
we threw words
like they were knives
hoping to find home
buried between the
other's shoulder blades.
Now harsh intentions
run through our veins
and my blood churns
at the sight of your
face.
We traded matching smiles
for matching scars
and when you finally
shut the door
there was a pool
of blood
left on the floor.
It was impossible
to tell yours from mine.
It's those you love the most that hurt you most.
Nov 2014 · 239
fuck you
erin Nov 2014
*******
for playing games and
throwing knives at my back
like there was a painted-on target
and you were trying to hit the center-
for changing who you were
every time the need arose,
like you could hide behind
excuses and artificial apologies-
and for pretending you were more
than just an empty vessel
consuming those around you
until they weren't useful anymore.
******* for
lying
betraying
hiding.
but mostly ******* for
all the memories that are ruined,
all the people you've tied
into your web,
all places and things that turned
black the instant you did,
and
all the wasted moments
I'll never get back.
Nov 2014 · 224
the entire world
erin Nov 2014
I like to paint in my mind
and you're my subject of choice,
I take every piece of you
(from the freckles resting under
your eyes that see for miles in
and out of time to the
dips and curves of your back
that last forever)
and I make you the entire world
because that's what you are
to me.
Oct 2014 · 276
before
erin Oct 2014
Flash your light
through the window
that faces mine,
let's unfold in
morse code.
Tell me to meet
you at midnight
by the train tracks
that have been overgrown
with weeds
(pick them like flowers
and give them to me
anyway.)
Let's follow them
through the woods
to where they end in water
and while we dip our feet
throw me in
(I'll pretend to be surprised)
but only if you dive in
after me.
Kiss me in the water
with our clothes weighing
our bodies down like stones
but never sinking
our souls.
Love me
fully
passionately
purely

before I have
to go.
Oct 2014 · 842
suffocating
erin Oct 2014
I feel like
I'm suffocating
more often
than I should.
I never knew
breathing was so
labor intensive
until I knew
life without
you.
Oct 2014 · 205
Don't think
erin Oct 2014
I can be okay
when I don't think about it,
when I put a block in my mind
and push away any thought of you.
But more often than not
when I'm sitting on the couch
or in line at the grocery store
or any time I'm breathing,
I'm back with you
sitting on the roof of your shed
or standing outside your car
after our first kiss.
And when I watch everything
(people cars life)
go by, I only see you
running your fingers through your hair
looking at me from the corner of your eye
like it doesn't make my breath hitch
and my heart stop beating-
I've tried running,
I'll run and run and run
but somehow I always end up
running back to your hands
around my waist
my fingers balled up in your shirt
the taste of you in my mouth
your smell clouding my mind,
Until I stop and truth hits
like the freezing wind slicing my skin;
it's over.
I'll never have you again.

So I don't think.
I can be okay.
Oct 2014 · 765
Careless
erin Oct 2014
I've always been careless.
About everything.
It's why I can't help the things that come out of my mouth.
How I broke the coffee maker
(again)
while I wasn't even using it.
Careless mistakes are the ones
I'll always regret the most.
Last night when I should've said stop
but I never think
Think, Erin, Think
unless it's too late.
On the drive home as I whispered
too soon too soon too soon too soon
I didn't see the other car
because I'm so ******* careless
every time.
Still, I never see it coming.
I wish I could have been careful with you.
Sep 2014 · 321
white noise
erin Sep 2014
Life went on in the background
like white noise
but I was too hung up on your words
to hear it.
erin Sep 2014
You were never the type of guy
who would call me at the first flash of lightning
just to say "I wish I could hold you
every time it rained"
or better yet stand outside my window
getting drenched and demand I
join you;
in fact you weren't the type of guy
to call me at all,
and I should've known that.
I always did prefer the way
you laughed when it was clouded
with the haze of a dream
instead of the daze of your
fourth beer.
What can you say about a boy
who consumes your thoughts
but never your life?
That he's just like
everyone else.
Aug 2014 · 432
voicemail
erin Aug 2014
3 missed calls

Sunday, August 3rd 9:07 am
Last night I was tossing and turning
in the middle of the night
with thoughts of you
clamoring around my mind.
The corners of your mouth
populated my vision while
my eyes were closed
and I could feel your warm breath
stirring my imagination.
When I finally fell asleep
I dreamt of raspberry green tea
and your tangled blue sheets.

Sunday, September 23rd 5:43 pm

I'm sorry.
I know I should've said it when it still mattered but I'm sorry.
Sometimes I can't distinguish between my feelings
when I'm too scared to admit that I'm in love
and I did something I regret.
He wasn't anything like you.
He wasn't you.
I'm sorry.

Sunday, October 7th 11:32 pm

I still think about you.
I miss you.
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