#yearbook
A friend once asked me
What ambition will I let the teachers put
In our high school yearbook
For everyone to see
And I said I'm afraid I do not have one
And he said that how would I succeed in life
If I don't have any ambition
And I've thought about this for awhile
And to justify my answer, I replied that
You need not to have any ambition
To succeed in life
I said you just needed to be happy and
Maybe I should let them put "To become happy" in the yearbook and you know what?
It ocurred to me that I never even give a single ****
About what the other students might think or what their parents might think
Except for what my parents might think
But usually, they don't care as long as it's who I am and what I want
And I'm thankful for that
But I've always wondered
Why I never had one
Never thought of becoming anything
Now that I'm in my senior year which is a crucial part
Of my career orientation
And I'm scared so much
I'm scared that before
I wanted everything
Yet now I end up wanting nothing
And I wondered so much
On how I changed so gradually
From being a ball of blazing fire to a godforsaken blackhole
Though I know change is inevitable,
I didn’t expect to lose my heart in the process
Once, I've always dreamed to become a doctor
Because I wanted to heal scars and unspoken miseries and no
I'm not just after using scalpels or stethoscopes or syringes
Or cutting off people's brains
I wanted to fix the broken
Rip my being into shreds to keep them whole
I wanted sacrifice and salvation
And I've always dreamed to become a soldier
I don’t care how silly it sounds
I wanted to protect people and wanted to taste the bitterness
Of war and blood and death
I wanted to know death and see all the worst
And be exposed to them
That I wouldn't have any choice
But to be brave for myself and the others
Because death? It could be sweeter this way
To die for a cause, to die for somebody
I wanted sacrifice and salvation
And I've always dreamed to become a teacher
Beacuse I wanted to influence someone's life
Give them power to stand up for themselves
Watch a bud blossom into a beautiful flower
And then I would make thousands of memories
Because at the same time
I'm learning through connections and bonds and warmth
And that, would be one of the greatest things
I will cherish in my life forever
I wanted sacrifice and salvation
And then I aspired to be a lawyer,
To serve and give way to justice because that's all we have to know
And I realized defending a criminial would be unavoidable
And I've always sworn to myself
That if that happens, I'd rather burn myself to death
Because I should only send the right people in jail
Those people who deserve to rot in the cells and cling to metal bars
I wanted sacrifice and salvation
And I watched the conversation end
And feel my heart pound in my ears
And I cried so much that night
That I realized I seldom cry
Because I thought I was better
And I was terrified because
Nothing hurts more than not knowing
What you could actually want in this sad world
Because that means you might as well be nothing
A hollow
A ******* void
And I don't want to be like that
Nobody does
So i think and think and think
What do I actually want?
And the wind blew
Leaves fell onto the ground
People wheezed and laughed and breathed through their noses
And it slapped me in the face
I've never been stable in my life
I've concealed my greed up until now
I dreamed so much that I denied reality
Each day, making myself believe
That I wanted nothing but I actually
Wanted THE power to be everything
Be everything in a world I was bound to craft
I wanted to create moons and stars and storms and unicorns
And wars and tides that tell "Hey, humans can actually create worlds."
I wanted to be out of my control
I didn’t want to settle on a skin I was enclosed in, I was held captive by
So I changed whatever's written to
The paper I had submitted for the yearbook
And wrote "To be a Writer" and nothing else
May 21, 2015
May 21, 2015 at 1:22 AM UTC
I.
This year I've done nothing remarkable,
because that wasn't on my syllabus.
But,
I did learn how to make conversation
with an empty locker,
because you weren't one of the students
who'd had gone off on Exchange.
II.
This year I've done nothing worth remembering,
because my timetable had no place for memories.
But,
I did learn how to inject meaning
into moments were there were none,
because you weren't one of the poems
in my last English paper.
III.
This year I've done nothing for my soul,
because I'm just a candidate number.
But,
I did learn how to learn how my examiners
think. Past papers are the future,
and you aren't one of those questions
that I'll get full marks for again.
IV.
And this year,
time will pass itself,
killing everything
but my memories,
but my final grades.
V.
And this year,
time will have passed itself,
having killed everything.
Even my memories.
Even my final grades.
VI.
As everything
becomes everything again,
the year next;
with another you,
with another syllabus.
Dec 30, 2014
Dec 30, 2014 at 12:43 PM UTC
It was the summer of missed promises
And I tried so hard to make it up to you that year
But everything was different.
We couldn’t get back in the same rhythm
Because I’d hate to force it.
It was the summer of forgotten love letters
Because we never knew how to sign off.
They always ended up in empty desk drawers with “for sale” signs on them
Because we wanted them to be anonymous.
It was the summer of bonfires
And nostalgia
For a time when the only thing that made sense was your laugh and your hand in mine;
For a time when I had no idea what I really wanted,
Because all anybody’s given me was a broken heart.
It was the summer I dared to look in my high school yearbook;
Crisscrossed with scribbled writing
In everybody’s haste attempt to sum up the four years I hated most.
I read them with tears in my eyes
And I’m sorry for that-
I’m usually not like that; regretting everything that didn’t happen between us
It was summer of drunken nights
In small attempts to erase you from my mind
It was the summer I realized
I may never see you again.
Nov 3, 2014
Nov 3, 2014 at 1:41 AM UTC
I have never known that I will be my tutor,
Since 2014 every respective day,
Is self-taught schooling in a way,
Day in and day out I discovered a lot.
Every year we mount up not realizing that we really are.
Though most of us look forth, some of us never fail to look back at our amour.
At a glance, Wordsworth saw ten thousand daffodils.
So did I, but my past.
Every day appeared different to me.
Have I been that one person?
Who cribbed and mourned with least reasons.
Knowing that God bestows me with joyful seasons,
I underestimated the power of self-taught lessons
As I considered them as unseen lesions.
Forgetting that they encompassed a few of my missions.
At a glance, Wordsworth saw ten thousand daffodils.
So did I, but my present.
Every heyday wasn't innovative to me
The year was good for me
But, I didn't allow anyone to see
As I have always thought of the secret behind being free
It would have taken a few minutes to glee
Where I kept waiting for my fling to cross the seven seas.
No wonder why didn't I seize, the best moments of gleaming breeze.
At a glance, Wordsworth saw ten thousand daffodils.
So did I, but my future.
Each day was a threat to me.
Though complaints and blames are two different terms,
They deserve a meaning of their own.
As I knew my students deserve the best lessons
I sowed good thoughts and positive vibes.
Like a preacher, I followed a few of my words.
But I didn't bother to carry to them in my world.
At a glance, Wordsworth saw ten thousand daffodils.
So did I, but roses, thorns, and petals.
Each and every day reminded me, who should I be.
There is a heaven and a hell in every one of us
We need to find out the best and worst sides of it
But most of never know how to figure out.
I could be one of them.
We have our answers for dos and don'ts
Have I not been the one?
Who mostly won
All my battles on my own.
Dec 25, 2018
Dec 25, 2018 at 4:34 AM UTC
I woke in a jolt when I realised
I left my high school yearbook out in the rain.
Cradling memories like newborn children.
Trying to blow life
Into broken lungs.
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 5:00 AM UTC