#withdrawal
Questioning the range of my stomach
A tortured skull retracts all these memoirs
Muscles of steel quiver under a husky hull
Now suffering under the crushing
weight of the earth
Body aches tempt the spine to break in half
A fever pitch takes me into dark arms of hopelessness, sweat pours from all pores
Nevermore is the ode to my recessive gums now bleeding into the bone...
Biting metal as my nervous system shivers & chatters until there is no longer control
I withdraw from humanity with closed blinds & bloodshot eyes
A bold red digital clock read 12:00 AM blinking
"Great" I mumble half-aloud, I must've ripped the power cord out of the wall
In my blinded state half-in-the-bag I move
Shuffling weakly I fix myself a bath
I feel my brain swell even in the cold water
Crying into the bathtub, vomitting mercury
A blur proceeds my epic epoch out among the daytime heathens in jeans
My gait is unstable as weight shifts from one numb limb to another
A cha-ching of the alarm bell froze my senses as I entered the stale store
I avoid the ignorant gaze of the shop hand
Shaky hands deliver the last of my crumpled currency
Pennies rolling off the sales counter...
A rushing of blood to my ears as my non-functioning fingers grasp at the coins
Nearly passed out on the pavement
from exhaustion of both mind & body
Drunken eyesight both hazy & incensed
Making a solid attempt to avoid the law
Sunglasses semi-relax my bulging look
As I run my libations up the stairs, two at a time, I briefly skirt my woes
A simple sip yields a verbal sigh of relief
Another day count reset yet I lay guiltless feeling the ole reliable buzz yet again...
Beer bubbles make my stomach growl
A stiff reminder to my bleeding ears I have not ate in three days (what ashame!)
Not intoxicated but no longer a sober man
I ruminate over my decision, ceasing to care as I reach my hand into the paper bag
My now functioning fingers get itchy
They fetch for another pint as I count the empties spread about the nightstand
Some drinks were consumed fast, some smooth & thoughtfully drank
(as "a gentleman" would...)
I slip into this mystical coma called sleep
A return to the home of deterioration
& mental decay
Walls of my mental discourse unfolds before me as I reach the point of no return
May 23
May 23, 2026 at 4:04 PM UTC
synapses fire
crimson is gold garland
chemistry sets up the lye
hand me your keys
let me drive you home
dire need for validation
no one gives a care about your progression
listen to your heartbeat in my lungs
feet hit the floor as I'm running to my death
overwelming panic, sweat it out at home
she didnt lie when she said watch out
dystopian lies will never carry us to our front door
but you know how to cope (supposedly)
girl i'd drag you by the hair to the hearse if you dont wanna live here than leave
im spent of tears for those whom i loved
i ran out of love when i heard your hatred wasn't pure enough
slammed to the floor by the devils hammer
she didnt know better i guess
dealers choice buy me any drink you like
cuz id rather win with the sinners than die alone
payback my love is an arrogant *******
i pray for your bones & soul my wholesome
as you strike the match, just another effigy
i thought being drunk & naked would be enough
change my thoughts, let's paint the town red
alcohol hitting every nerve tonight
i wanna taste your pain
& place it inside me
lunar ascension in the city
as i wear my pain like a tattoo
my sunglasses darken the shades of night
trunk full of bottles so i dont have to explain to anyone
feel like dirt & the pain never goes away
im at my darkest with the sweetest smile
sin is an itch i scratch over and over again
am i forlorn or just slowly dying
doesn't my heart arrest its beating precision
its harder outside the bubble of safety
silence all your quiet riddles
baby im getting off this turbulent ride
cant get off, can only cry like an infant
**** this misery and give me sanctuary
May 13
May 13, 2026 at 9:46 AM UTC
I feel the ***** swell in my throat
The old familiar morning jitters
Stomach queasy & empty rumbles erupt
Delirium tremens knocks upon my door
Yet stilI, I embrace my warm, dopamine hit
Nostrils fill with the dark, black coffee
First taste of the day, incriminates me
Uneasy skies mourn my withdrawal
This revelry of anxiety quivers my legs
Long awake before the peep of day
Before the birds, before the beautiful chirps of dawn
Upon the peak of birthing light I dwell
How I long for placid waters of treason
A handful of medication washed down
Water infiltrates me with a systematic electrocution
A shock to the subterfuge of emotions
Lightning strikes twice in this claustrophobia
A miserable existence pleads just for me
I reached down into Hell just to hold your hand again
May 13
May 13, 2026 at 8:33 AM UTC
It takes energy to
search for someone
pretending not to look back
Thinking of you
takes an energy
I no longer want to give
I didn't expect how
something that once felt like home
could dim the light in my eyes
It's exhausting carrying
your name in places
you no longer live in
Do you feel it too?
or am I the only
one growing tired
But somehow,
deep within me
I want you to stay
I distract myself from
all of this but somehow
you still find a way in
I never knew we would
end up like this, when I told
myself you were the one.
The audacity of love
to remain in a heart
that is already weary.
May 8
May 8, 2026 at 1:43 PM UTC
Which poisons do you preserve?
Counting eagle unperturbed
In which castration am I served
Counting razor beneath my whiskey
Ores retain stars ash
And coin falls beneath our strings
Do tell the audience
Upon the rocks we inhale
Feb 12
Feb 12, 2026 at 7:17 PM UTC
Dopamine dreamcatcher,
Leave me unfettered
In my own funhaus mirror.
Christen me in colors
Vibrantly demure
Until the prism shatters.
I am suspended,
Like a faux mannequin,
Until I am flaunted again
At your nauseating whim.
Return me to that mesmeric, fractal realm
Between hollow Heaven and hallowed Hell.
Dec 3, 2025
Dec 3, 2025 at 3:46 PM UTC
I have returned all that I borrowed—
the dreams,the heat, the light.
I face a narrow,stark tomorrow,
and welcome the coming night.
I drew a line around my name,
a border with no gate.
Inside,the rules are not the same:
there is no love,no hate.
I wonder—
if you reached out your hand to me,
would it find anything?
Or pass through where I used to be,
a ghost on winter's wing?
Sep 19, 2025
Sep 19, 2025 at 11:07 AM UTC
You stole back the letters you gave to me
You have disappeared without a trace
I was holding on to any part of you that lingered
without you, everything aches
You´re a drug and I have become dependent
You stole the last doses I had
I´m going through withdrawals again
honestly, Its driving me mad
You yearn for someone to love
for someone to adore you
you weep about it daily
You look right over me
I think I might be going crazy...
I sit like a dog
begging for scraps from your table
And you stand above me
never giving,
but always able...
Does it make you feel in control?
to see you make me so upset
you have ruined me for everyone else
And I cannot forget
Sep 17, 2025
Sep 17, 2025 at 9:11 AM UTC
millions of red threads
and yet the one that holds significance
tied around the little finger,
hooking me to you.
_the red string theory—_
fragile, probably a lie,
but doesn't it make you cherry?
glitter on my hands,
i'm no angel but i leave behind what i couldn't mend.
it sparkles, everywhere i hold you close—
skin placid, hissing almost under touch.
throw glances, lips curving to a smile,
you're enchanting, flickering alive.
_what can i help with?_
give away all i breathe,
i'll hand over all my pills,
stop injecting myself with words i can't speak,
pause inflicting pain upon scars that you won't ever seek.
dim lightning, darkened horizons,
drugged-up eyes, seeing through the glimmer.
my vision fades every time the needle pierces—
through my skin, i feel it pulsing,
leaving behind the sensation that slowly dulls away everything.
heaven and back, while rotting on the same couch,
i breathe in the smoke, ashes turning grey.
my hair sticks to my skin as i sweat through the blaze.
rehab never taught me how to exist.
being so undone, the remedy is sick.
prescriptions changing,
seldom any constants.
syringes filled with all that remains far from legal—
they call them drugs, is love any far behind in evil?
the kind of touch that leaves traces once it's gone,
hallucinations scripting out desires and thoughts and scenes that couldn't become.
withdrawal makes me crawl, no cure that could stop this spiral.
once the highs have been lived through,
the crash arrives as an aching breakthrough.
i cry in gemstones that rest in the corners of my eyes—
sitting, waiting, you can't detach them.
they strain towards permanence every time i sigh.
the back of the cab is filled with the blazing neons,
and it drifts through the street laced in LEDs and glistening homes.
i've got a pink heart vision,
the glasses leaving me to see stars on every face that carries
even the slightest seed of doubt—
anxiety etched to the masses,
they still envision.
i despise you've brought me back to this feeling—
the one i ran from, escaped, returned only to attach.
got me doing, fawning, sniffing white powder turning black.
my phone screen blips, lightning up,
the name repeating as i listen to the night come alive.
i'm too high, way too high to reply.
i tell you i was sleeping,
forgive me for my disguise.
cheap—cheap _cheap._
i overdosed the wrong kind.
i look down at the bill,
see the name that wasn't meant to stay in the will.
the wrong wrong _wrong_ addiction.
you failed me, cursed me, broke me—
it's my turn to accept this affliction.
shouldn't have—should have.
don't regret—all i do is regret.
ended, stopped, relapsed—now it's all _red._
the stick in white in between my fingers,
lit at the end, vapour rising to the flimsy night air.
i sit on the sidewalk, watch the vehicles pass—
too dazed to care.
i'll stop existing, leaving no traces.
this shirt doing much less to stop the cold as it caresses my skin,
blankets the wounds, takes away all that i fear.
i shall move, get up, throw away the burnt-out ****
walk away, the bottoms of my converses heading down the road to nowhere.
you won't even bother to map out the path.
i just know,
the cruelty and the false lies have long since encompassed you whole.
see what i am,
but you are way beyond my control.
Jul 23, 2025
Jul 23, 2025 at 10:40 AM UTC
There will always be reasons to quit. Sometimes, your body may even reward you for it.
"Quit starving yourself. Look at you.
You're miserable. Help me help you.
Just one smoke. Just one drink. And that's it. No more headaches. No more shakes.
You'll feel like you can think clearly again."
And your body's right. You will feel better. Because change can be painful.
Especially if you're trying to do it alone.
But the saying is true.
If you can push through the pain,
your body will be grateful eventually. And you will gain a new lease on life.
Jun 28, 2025
Jun 28, 2025 at 10:49 PM UTC
There’s something sitting on my brain.
Something disconnected.
No current. No spark.
My eyes are rolling loose in their sockets.
My voice sounds like it’s
on the other side of a wall.
I didn’t want to leave the house,
but the sun reached through the window
and coaxed me out.
Then, a brown-haired woman
with crystal eyes and porcelain cheeks
walked by,
and I caught the soft pull of her
flowery, spring-scented perfume.
It was cherries,
and my love,
and everything good.
It was honey.
It was holding my mother’s hand to cross the street.
Apr 27, 2025
Apr 27, 2025 at 4:55 PM UTC
I’ll hate the way I breathe till I taste your skin
And vaporize my longing within
To shadowed withdrawals, never has-been’s and never-will be’s.
I will make myself sick gazing into your multi colored, screen broken eyes
And stutter when you picture yourself in the gift I made you
Like I was a god, who handed you honey
To make you seem so dripping sweet.
I nearly drove off road to see your car
Parked where it always was, always will be
At least in my head, so I don’t fathom you changing,
But I stayed light
Painted my walls with lies and trapped your letters in a box
To show that I did possess restraint.
Yet all I can see is me, selfish in wanting and needing
Not respecting your box of loneliness,
Or whatever you have accomplished without my guidance.
I still crave the day you realize you were wrong,
While still mourning how horrid not truly knowing you was.
Mar 22, 2025
Mar 22, 2025 at 11:53 PM UTC
It starts as a whisper, soft in my chest,
A thought unbidden, unkindly guest.
The urge to reach, to bridge the divide,
Where silence now stretches, too wide, too wide.
I pace the floor; I cradle my phone,
In this quiet war, I’m never alone.
Your name, like a needle, ****** at my brain,
Rewinding the reel of our joy and our pain.
Each old message, a relic, a hit,
I scroll through the past, scratching the itch.
The words are hollow, their warmth has fled,
But I cling to their ghosts like they're still being said.
My heart races faster, my reason grows dim,
This craving feels cruel, a fight I can’t win.
To press "send" would be bliss, a fleeting reprieve,
But I fight the withdrawal, cry tears on my sleeve.
So I silence the urge, let the moment decay,
And watch as the craving slowly fades away.
The answer’s not hidden in words I once knew,
But in learning to live without reaching for you.
Nov 22, 2024
Nov 22, 2024 at 3:46 PM UTC
The hammer is falling, my fists are clenching, my teeth are gnashing while my bones are crunching. Waves of pain are crashing, smashing against me, finally breaking. This level of pain can't be good to be taking, bad for my health. The voices are calling but no one is there, not even myself. My blood is pumping, sped by adrenaline dumping. The lack of the drug is inducing my mind to start seizing, both my legs are freezing, involuntarily quaking. The sensation of claws are slashing my back. As my heart keeps thumping, jumping around - heart attack? Now my blood is pooling. So the attack dogs keep drooling. They smell the blood and begin to whip into a frenzy, so I jump up, and run like McKenzie. Moving fast, as if I had wheels, one dog was faster and now nips at my heels. The dog bit my foot so I tripped and then fell. Now it’s gnawing on my leg, and I don’t feel very well. So I patted the dog’s head and then laid down for a spell…will I wake up? Only time will tell. When I come to my senses I won't feel at all well. Life hurts at times, unbearably so. If not for Divine intervention, I'd much rather go.
Sep 13, 2024
Sep 13, 2024 at 1:08 PM UTC
I am an old fashioned lover,
When I love I really
REALLY love,
Pour out all of me,
For and over and all about
The woman I adore,
And sometimes it has been
Worth it and wonderful,
Time and a journey shared,
And sometimes, truthfully?
Not so much wonder full,
So much as I really wonder why,
And then there's you,
Poured out over big time
Loved and adored to my detriment,
But sharing and reciprocation?
No, you were are and always will be
All about
You.
Aug 12, 2024
Aug 12, 2024 at 5:02 PM UTC
I have given you the bakery,
The flour mill,
The barn,
I have passed the keys and title
To these allegories of
My heart entire,
Placed them in your care,
Expecting the deeds to your
Estate at some point in return,
Your physicality,
Your romance,
Love
And your desire and yet
Your response is nary
A crumb,
Let alone a slice or a loaf
From even my own oven,
The flour that I have planted and grown,
And harvested and milled,
All counts for nowt,
So I'm folding those deeds away now,
And watching and waiting
To see what crop
You choose to reap instead,
What crop,
Which farm,
And indeed with whom.
Jul 11, 2024
Jul 11, 2024 at 3:41 PM UTC
Bloodline Meds are
The pills you need to take everyday
Like clock work
To continue to feel like yourself.
Sometimes you forget
but
somehow, you feel completely unchanged
you feel normal
your think you’ve finally beat it,
no longer a prisoner
no longer held captive by a specific milligram of
assorted medication
It’ll start slowly,
then it will hit you
like a ton of bricks.
cold sweats, aches, chills, nausea
feeling on the brink of death.
When you take bloodline meds
you have to decide
stay captive or go through withdrawal
Either option
you still lose a piece of
Yourself
Feb 28, 2021
Feb 28, 2021 at 9:02 PM UTC
instagram
my dear friend
i miss you
like a crack addict misses crack
i am in AA
on the emergency table i lay, frail
i feel my internal workings coming undone
i am locked out of the fun
i am tempted by my insatiable lust to run
run and run from myself
perceptions of moi
that i have conjured and cooked
laced extras with the crack, microwave
the crack, a transplant for my identity
expand myself for the many
so i could sell more
more of me in exchange
for love, the eternal currency
the currency i seek
on some level the extras i laundered
became me
identification with the mask
i have trapped myself between the future
and the past.
how long can this last?
Nov 6, 2020
Nov 6, 2020 at 6:33 AM UTC
my body
misses you
more than it can handle
the pain of the withdrawal.
Oct 13, 2020
Oct 13, 2020 at 3:04 PM UTC
Caffeine.
Nearing addict
status; once spurned pure black
but now it’s my composition.
Jitters
my thoughts;
next round is scotch:
Next, I’m alcoholic.
Yet, withdrawal never latches.
I’m safe.
Sep 2, 2020
Sep 2, 2020 at 8:44 PM UTC
Love may be the toughest withdrawal
It fertilizes a garden and blooms the wildest—beautiful flowers.
It’s flourishes with enough love given to it,
as it decays in a catastrophic drought.
Nature needs care and its necessities to grow.
We grew a garden raising it up from the seed.
Withdrawals hit when the desire to revive the flowers and the browning of plant is no longer achievable.
No fertilizer.
No water.
Dry Soil.
The wanting to of seeing the flowers bloom again. The wanting of how the garden once looked.
The images of what the garden would have looked like. That is the toughest.
Jul 16, 2020
Jul 16, 2020 at 9:38 PM UTC