#toomuchtohandle
My mouth is stretched into a parody of a smile
As I look into the mirror
I swallow down the rising bile
Try to make my vision clearer
I wipe the tears off my face
As I contemplate
Which choice would hold more grace?
I try not to deteriorate
I tell myself it’s okay
You don’t have to worry anymore
You can lock yourself away
Deep within your core
I try to still my mind
And look around for the last time
To this place that I will never again find
This enigmatic pantomime
Finally I close my eyes
And when they open I’m gone
My real self dies
And my conscious soul is withdrawn
Dec 13, 2019
Dec 13, 2019 at 4:33 AM UTC
Whether it be secrets or lies
She keeps them hidden inside
Miseries and agonies too
She's beside herself
Without the silence,
Too much noise breaks through
Not knowing what else to do
She runs to that place
Where she keeps her silence
Hidden away
It's dark there
And filled with so much pain
But she can never let the silence escape
Too many losses and nothing to gain
Let the tears rain, she can't explain
So, she hides herself in her dreams
With the silence she keeps
Jul 27, 2015
Jul 27, 2015 at 10:34 AM UTC
This shattered house
I've found myself surrounded by
Breaks a little more each day
The walls I've built and plastered
Are peeling away layers of guilt
Hanging mirrors with shadows of reflections
Ghosts of ink spilt
This floor, these bricks, the cement out the doorstep
Pavement falling apart from where so many shoes have walked
Decorated with outlines of broken hearts in chalk
If these walls could talk
They'd tell stories of rage and pain,
Of the misery born into its foundation
Day after day
If these cupboards could hold as many secrets as those walls have heard
Of the lies they've tried to hide away inside, they would burst
If you could save the tear drops that have fallen under this crumbling roof top
Then you could drown this dilapidated house
Bury it alive with no doubt that the years of emotion and agony it's kept hidden inside
Will easily and willingly have peace when it dies
The color of the paint would simply be forgotten before the end of the day
The torn and rotten foundation would just be ripped away and replaced
With stronger cement at its base for someone new to cling to
And new walls and paint for another soul to suffer through
But this shattered house still stands
There's no plans to rebuild all these shards of my broken heart splattered on the ground
And nothing will ever replace my soul when this house falls down
Jul 26, 2015
Jul 26, 2015 at 7:28 PM UTC
That's me, pure fragility
Been broken and put back together too many times
Honestly, the lines are getting weaker
And the cracks take so much less
To shatter the shards into pieces
Of broken heart
I'm too fragile to handle any more pain
And too hurt to hold on
When there's nothing to gain
Jul 18, 2015
Jul 18, 2015 at 7:03 PM UTC
Addicted to the room spinning
The blur of the lights
And the red in my eyes
My disguise in the dead of the night
And you've been fine all this time
Yet I've been drinking myself to sleep
Since the beginning of all the lies
Wondering how you're fine
Then I realize that in the light of day
Everyone sees a smile on my face
No one can see all my regrets
All my mistakes
And I think that you hide
Behind whiskey too
Cause it's my only addiction
Besides you
And I'd like to think that you're miserable too
How else could I make it through?
Whiskey took your place years ago
But I'm still addicted to you both
At least drinking shows me the truth
All I ever got was lies from you
I know I need to quit
You and whiskey
But I can't seem to forget your face
And that bottle is so pretty
I guess another shot couldn't hurt anything
**** you and whiskey
You're both way too addicting
Jul 11, 2015
Jul 11, 2015 at 11:54 PM UTC
Not seen by the outside world
Miserable invisible little girl
Hiding in the corners of her mind
Hoping there's nothing left of her to find
Listening to the silence of the voices
Regretting life and all her bad choices
Missing the happiness she once had
Considering it all, she's really mad
How could this have happened?
What did she ever do in her past life?
Pain cuts away her soul deep with a knife
Slicing the pieces that remain into shards
Dropping to the ground, breaking hard
There's nothing left of the past regrets
Now she can only pray that she forgets
Jun 21, 2015
Jun 21, 2015 at 9:11 PM UTC
Color the insides of my soul
With a black gloss paint
Empty the blood from my veins
Replace it with lava,
Keep it flowing through my heart
Fill my brain with tar
Let it harden,
To keep the headaches away
Turn my bones to to ash
Paint then neon orange flat paint
Because that's my favorite color
Make my skin redwood bark
Hard, to help keep away the pain
Because it's too much to handle
Erase my memories
Fill them in with a hypmotizing array
Of all the colors of the rainbow
I realize I'll look creepy
And scary as hell
But at least I won't feel anything
Anymore
I want nothing left
Of my miserable life
From before
Jun 9, 2015
Jun 9, 2015 at 5:02 PM UTC
Wonderful day
Memories fade
But never go away
Oceans crash into shores
As waves fire in the day
Light in your soul before
Everytime life throws a little dark
Thought it was very smart
For the first moon climbed above branches
Frozen in time and space
Shining through my bones
Leaving ash as remnants of the time
And burned out this link to reality
Truth lies in secret so deep within
Your heart can fall in my mind
But together we can climb
Up with the day all the way
Into the darkness of night
Everything must break
Before it can begin again
There's nothing worse than the regret
Yet more often than not
Debilitating lies can only hope to be forgotten
To find out how to get the truth
It just depends where you start
Somewhere in the highest levels of heaven
Dreams trickle down on my heart
Life is crumbling into a desperate wind
Blowing through the mirror that reflects images
Of past mistakes
Leading to the past that you missed
Your future is now
Only hatred and despair to look forward to
But you know what you can do
Change the path you travel
And the ending with the almight judge
Deciding which way to slam the gavel
May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 at 7:25 AM UTC
I can only be whole
And actually be myself
Or
I can hide who I truly am
And I'll simply be broken
There's no inbetween
May 12, 2015
May 12, 2015 at 10:51 AM UTC
She loves deep
Hates even deeper
Rejection is near
And scares her
A last resort
She's desperately in need
Of something to lift her up
Stop the chance that she'll bleed
It's a scary life she leads
She runs, she pushes and she cries
It's more than she can handle
But she continuously tries
She asks herself these questions
How does she survive?
How does she fake the lies?
What could she possibly do
To hide her truth in disguise?
There is no where left to run
Her fears are all coming true
She knows her life is coming undone
There's nothing left she can do
The life she had is finally through
May 10, 2015
May 10, 2015 at 7:53 PM UTC
My life is crumbling
I dont know what to do
Sanity is disappearing
Why is this what I go through?
How do I find a way to breathe?
What do I do to survive?
His hate for me, I just can't believe
I'm losing my drive to succed
They say I'm so resilient
They tell me I'm so strong
I'm telling you I've lost my brilliance
Everybody just seems to be wrong
May 9, 2015
May 9, 2015 at 7:11 PM UTC
The words keep *t
w
i
s
t
i
n
g*
in my mind
Truths and lies
Becoming *h
a
r
d
e
r*
and harder to find
Blurred together
between *h
o
l
l
o
w*
and grey lines
The differences becoming
*o
b
s
t
a
c
l
e
s*
more difficult to define
And life has lost all its
*l
o
v
e*
and rhyme
May 5, 2015
May 5, 2015 at 5:53 AM UTC
This misery
Is completely consuming me
Torturing me
How can I fight this?
Can I even win this game?
Help to make my mind tame
Fulfill the righteousness
Leave behind the pettiness
But I cannot believe in happiness
When the only hearts that complete mine
Have been ripped from my arms
Placed into uncomparible harm
For an unknown length of time
The three black holes in my chest,
Where only they can be placed
Feels like they can never be refilled
And can certainly never be replaced
My life, my world, my everything
Unseen to my lost eyes
Torn right away from me
So cruelly, terribly, all to torture me
Well, it's working
I'm tortured, I'm broken, I'm burnt down
I can't give up, they will be found
I want to stay strong, I need to be brave
But this battle has become my warery grave
Apr 27, 2015
Apr 27, 2015 at 3:17 PM UTC
I cannot tell a lie
And I will not lie back
To watch you deny the truth
I never really loved you
I only ever felt affection
For all the abuse
That I knew I deserved
You may think it absurd
But how could I possibly
Love someone else
When I have yet to learn
How to love myself?
Or even live with myself?
Show a smile based on a lie,
Or a frown based on the truth,
Which would you prefer?
I'd like to smile
Once in a while
But I cannot tell a lie
And I will not lie back
To watch the truth die
In the soulless eyes
I see in my mirror
That girl whispers to me
But I cannot hear her
So she fades away
Silently
Yet, I know
This cannot be my destiny
Lies of smiles
Truths of frowns
It's bringing me down
I could think of a million lies
But only six eyes
To help me smile
More than just
Once in awhile
I cannot tell a lie
And I will not lie back
To watch you steal my smiles
My truths
My everything
I will stare in your eyes
While you spout all your lies
And watch you crumble
And Fall
While I smile
Standing tall
Staring down at your frown
Wishing you knew the truth
That I cannot tell a lie
And I never really loved you
Apr 22, 2015
Apr 22, 2015 at 8:37 PM UTC
There's no greater love
Than that of a mother and her child
Times that by three
And the maternal instinct goes wild
To not be around what you hold dear
Can tear your world apart
Distance and no hope brings a tear
Ripping out the motherly heart
*I miss them, truly deeply madly
They're my whole entire world
I need help to even see them again
One baby boy and two big girls
Their daddy was never truly a father
But now he's just using them to hurt me
Keeping them away, tearing them from my arms
Telling me I HAVE to just sign over custody
I want to fight this, I want to hold them every night
But no lawyer I can find is willing to help for free
I feel so lost, hopeless, like I'll never find a way
So, I'm putting my pride aside and asking for help with my poetry...*
http://www.gofundme.com/r5wnpsd5
Apr 15, 2015
Apr 15, 2015 at 3:04 PM UTC
Regretting Some Past Mistakes
Realizing what's actually At stake
Feeling so helpless and confused
So many memories of your abuse
Screaming, kicking, punching
Just too much fighting
You always knew the best ways to hurt me
Now you wanna take away what means everything
Like your final play to torture me
For eternity
What right do you have to judge me?
To look down upon me?
I am only all that you've made of me
This so called monster that you love to hate
Is just the manifestation of what you helped create
You WILL regret this
In the end, you will lose
I won't let you win, not again
They'll realize what you're trying to do
Remembering the years of abuse
And they'll HATE you
You can never destroy a mother's love
Although I know you're willing to try
When I win this battle for what I hold dear
Don't come crawling to me with tears in your eyes
Cause I won't be here
Apr 11, 2015
Apr 11, 2015 at 11:44 AM UTC
She shouted from the roof tops
Her love for him
And how it would never stop
He simply stared at her
In utter shock
nobody could ever love me
Or so he thought...
She smiled with her arms spread apart
Waiting for a response
He stood there silently
Unable to move but wanting to walk
Walk away from the lies
Cause he'd been hurt too many times
She begged and pleaded
Trying to make him believe
It's the truth she said
But he couldn't respond
Simply turned around to leave
women only hurt me
Was all he could believe
Too much pain and abuse
For those lies to become the truth
She sunk inside herself
Filled with pain and so many tears
After years of trying
She finally faced her fears
Only to be hit with rejection
Imperfections of love
Shown at there finest
She couldn't stand her thoughts...
He slowed his walk
Thought about the past
Suddenly came to realize
This life is your last
And there on that roof top
He may have finally found some hope
So he stopped his walk
Turned around to accept the truth
Only to find
That she had jumped off...
Mar 16, 2015
Mar 16, 2015 at 8:41 PM UTC
and in place of the love
that once filled my heart
there is now only glass shards
tearing my insides apart
and in place of the good
that once was seen in my eyes
there is now only hatred
fueling my demise
and in place of the innocence
that once filled my soul
there is now only memories
capturing me like a black hole
and in place of the happiness
that once filled my core
there is now only sadness
stealing my life forevermore
**brokenness can't be fixed,
it's not like it was
before**
Feb 3, 2015
Feb 3, 2015 at 6:44 PM UTC
I'm laying my ragged twisted
insides in the ground
Mourning the death
As if my soul has gone to hell
And my heart
Has died slowly
And painfully
But my body
Is still here
But hollow and black
Through and though
Just flowing through
The paces
Just waiting for death
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 10:58 PM UTC
YOU
are no more me
than I am
MYSELF
Yet,
you
think you know
me
like the back of your hand
or the words you write
or the rhymes you create
YOU
might think you know how I feel
or what I think
or what I've done
but
you
will never understand my SOUL
or the inner workings of my mind
So,
you
can go choke on the words you write,
the songs you sing
and the hearts you steal
because
YOU
can never have my life
Jan 24, 2015
Jan 24, 2015 at 12:09 AM UTC
There's no satisfaction
In the pain
That courses through me
There's no enjoyment
In the happiness
That in your eyes
I can see
There's no love
In my heart
That breaks daily
There's no one
In my life
That I can see
There's no hope
In my future
That will show mercy
There's nothing
Left in this world
That can make me happy
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 9:04 PM UTC
1 cup Misery
2 cups Heartache
2 1/2 tbsp Tears
3 tsp Death
4 cups Loss
A pinch of Hope
3 Kids (separated from me)
1/2 a Heart
1/4 cup Silence
6 cups Poetry
Whisk together for 5 minutes
Add 1 cup Solitude
Stir until well blended
Bake in a plastic bowl for 24 hours
Do not remove for 3 months
Throw remains in trash
Jan 17, 2015
Jan 17, 2015 at 1:21 AM UTC
There's nothing I'd like more
Than to just be happy
Jan 17, 2015
Jan 17, 2015 at 12:34 AM UTC
Ravaging through me
is an untold destiny
I cannot foresee
what's gonna happen
But I know what I need
I need love
It keeps escaping me
I'm lonely
I cry constantly
I can't write anything
Cause I can feel my soul breaking
I've lost everything
my heart keeps breaking
I really don't want any pity
I'm truly not deserving
but my God does this hurt like hell
I'd just like for one good thing
to happen to me
SOMETHING
ANYTHING
cause I can't handle losing
One more thing
everything I care about
has been stolen from me
a string of bad luck
Doesn't even begin to describe
the agony that surrounds me
I'm desperate for something
GOOD.... PLEASE
I'm asking Fate
the Universe
Karma
God
Mother Nature
Anyone Please
Whoever is making my life filled
with misery
I'm begging you
PLEASE
I can't handle anymore
You've officially brought me
to my knees
I've cast my pride aside
all dignity has left
I'm BEGGING
PLEADING
Please
Just finally let me be happy
I think I've forgotten
what happiness feels like
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 2:27 AM UTC
Why?
How can I feel this way?
I feel myself
Losing you
Pushing you away
Purposely
Like, just talking to you
Is torturing me
Yet, I need you
**WHAT THE **** DO I DO?**
I don't wanna hurt anymore
I want the pain to go away
I don't know what I'm living for
I don't know how I got this way
How do I say
THIS IS TOO MUCH TO TAKE
To handle
To deal with
Torn, ripped in directions
I never thought existed
Expectations
Non granted wishes
ALL FOR NOTHING
Cause I'm still broken
Not even worth fixing
But you
You're worth so much more
None of the guilt
None of the shame
Is worth anything
**** IT ALL**
Just forget my name
Jan 1, 2015
Jan 1, 2015 at 11:35 PM UTC