#shithewillseethis
What is this sensation?
New but familiar
Never experienced in a safe environment
Maybe this time will be different
I might not leave in pieces
But I probably will
I never leave anywhere fully intact
Am I possibly ready for it this time around?
Hopefully
This time seems different
There isn’t that overwhelming compulsion
Just a steady stream of wanted conversation
No strings seem to be attached this time around
Just honesty and fun
Is it the summer heat getting to me?
I hope not
Jun 13, 2015
Jun 13, 2015 at 12:00 AM UTC
Oh how I hate this small town
Where I can’t find any girls to have fun with
The only ones with that mindset are my friends
And I can’t do that with them
So I turn to guys
No one bats an eye
There is one I want to actually have something with
But he’s not here
And I’m bored and lonely
So I’ve turned to having fun with other guys
It’s the closest I can get to what I want
Flirting is fun
Kisses and bites on the neck are ******* ****
But when it comes down to it
Guys aren’t always fun
Jul 28, 2015
Jul 28, 2015 at 1:02 AM UTC
Do you see a beautiful mess
Or a reckless hurricane?
Do you romanticize my cigarettes
Or do you hold your breath when you walk by?
Do you really find me that interesting
Or do you lace your words with pity?
Do you still think I’m cute when I slur my words
Or do you silently slide farther away?
Do you think nothing of all I smoke
Or do you wish I would stop?
Do you think my nervous habits are cute
Or do you look away?
Do you sigh with relief when you know you’ve saved me
Or do you wish you hadn’t picked up that phone?
Do you think of me in your spare time
Or do you see me as a time requirement?
Do you truly want me at that party
Or do you only bring me because I said something?
Do you miss the old me
Or do you like who I have become?
Jun 17, 2015
Jun 17, 2015 at 6:20 PM UTC
Fast beat
Heavy base
That’s how it starts
Next thing you know
You’ve slapped a *****
Burned some bridges
Await some much needed fun
Give up on your fears
Take your life by the horns
Decide your going to do it
That thing you’ve been skirting around for the past month
You know the one
Well you’re going to do it
Whether it’s a good idea or not
Just waiting for the soonest possible moment
You don’t care of the outcomes anymore
The person who cared
They left
That version of yourself is dead and gone
Now its time to become
A reckless hurricane
A swarm of emotions
Impulses
Desires
Actions
No over thinking
Just what you want
When you want it
Let the music take over
No more control over yourself
Just reckless fun
Jul 3, 2015
Jul 3, 2015 at 12:25 AM UTC
How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor
Jun 12, 2015
Jun 12, 2015 at 11:16 PM UTC
One year ago today
I gave something
To my best friend
But society says
He took it from me
That isn't true
It didn't matter
If he took it
Or I gave it
In that moment
I was happy
All those summer nights
Rolled together
While we became one
People say that
Alcohol taints things
Oh how they are wrong
That night was perfect
We started as friends
Came together
As so much more
Shared a bed
Yet left best friends
Sep 12, 2016
Sep 12, 2016 at 7:46 PM UTC
Orange letters
On a black screen
Speaking of danger
Hot and intense by nature
No small sparks
To light the way
Of children's to be
Favorite memories
The middle of summer
Begins to mean
Uncomfortable nights
And light shows
No more
Fireflies
Beautiful dancing
Or bond fires
Just the bittersweet memories
Of a different year
The joy of years past
Leaves you sitting on the hard floor
Crying
For no other reason
Than not seeing
Those stunning bits of fire
That lit up your childhood
Having them withheld
Has brought you to this
Tears running down your face
As the bombs crack around you
Recorded many years past
With the sound of others
Enjoying the sight
Your favorite part of the year
Yet you never knew how much
Such a small thing could mean
Until you're left
On the wrong side of the fence
Hand in hand
With a new one
Different than years past
Who wraps their arms around you
As the tears slide down your face
Reflecting fireworks not seen
Jul 5, 2016
Jul 5, 2016 at 4:50 AM UTC
I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars
Sep 16, 2015
Sep 16, 2015 at 7:37 PM UTC
I have been broken for days now
But my will to survive blinded me
I didn’t see the signs
Now it’s too late
Woke up from little sleep
To see I’ve been
Crying in my sleep again
It took too many days
For me to realize what
This weariness in my eyes was from
To notice that I wasn’t
Cold like I was telling myself
But scared
So I curled into myself each night
I didn’t just miss him
I had been reaching out
But he didn’t really respond
If he won’t talk to me
Who will?
She’s gone
Which is why I reached out to him
But now I’ve woken up to see
The wet marks left by my tears
To feel the damp trails
Still on my cheeks
Now I’m left wanting something
I am unable to have
Someone to hold me close
No one has been able to since she did
Except for him
But his silence kills me slowly
Aug 10, 2015
Aug 10, 2015 at 10:27 AM UTC
One simple word
Along with a digital smile
Has the power over me
To make me jump up and down
As if I’m still a preteen
Speaking excitedly to my first crush
But I’m older and have more experience
Still the idea of spending time with them
Brings my heart to full speed
And my inner innocence fills with joy
I feel so uncensored with them
There never really seems to be a need
Well I won’t say that I don’t need them
It doesn’t matter if my innocence or experience is speaking
I need them in some way
Weather to have clean fun
Or something more exciting
Aug 10, 2015
Aug 10, 2015 at 12:41 AM UTC
Late nights
Turn to early mornings
Crowded beds
Become more appealing
When you’re wrapped up in someone’s arms
Only sleep for maybe an hour
But it doesn’t matter
Your mood couldn’t have soured
Being pressed up against that warm body
A hand resting on your side
Your mind slowing down for once
Different thoughts start to form
Unsure of what to do
You burry your face
That hand moves though
And soon
You are face to face
With entrancing eyes
Chin tipped up just a bit
Next thing you know
That high you felt hours ago
Is replaced with something better
Their lips against yours
You break apart
Your don’t stop smiling for what seems like hours
And all you do
Is wish you had said what you thought
Don’t stop
Jul 6, 2015
Jul 6, 2015 at 8:49 PM UTC
How do I say this?
I mean I have worked hard
To be able to
I told myself I would tell
The next person to test me
But when it happened last night
My attempts were futile
I still couldn’t say it
Weakly I pushed him away
He wouldn’t stop though
His tongue was down my throat
He gripped my ***
I didn’t enjoy it
But I couldn’t bring myself
To tell him that
Others want us together
Maybe I should give it time
Let him do as he pleases
That’s what they want
They tell me he’s great in bed
Do I dare?
No.
I can’t let anything happen.
Again.
I need to fully consent
But I don’t think I could with him
He’s so strong though
If I don’t tell him
He will take my silence as consent.
Again.
How can I say it?
Do I want to?
Yes.
I do.
He isn’t who I want
But is who I’m supposed to
No one would bat an eye
If I said I was with him
Unlike with the other
For I know they would ask
He likes you?
I thought he wasn’t your type?
You gave it up, didn’t you?
Maybe I should give it up
But with who?
Do I consent to something
I’m supposed to like?
Or to what I want to try?
Do I allow something that is to come?
Or do I wait for what I want
That might not come?
Maybe I should become
That **** that they keep calling me.
I guess I’ll wait to see
If I consent.
Jul 20, 2015
Jul 20, 2015 at 12:42 AM UTC
He speaks with an edge
Calls himself evil things
Tries to hold himself to them
But then he touches you
These simple gestures hold
An unspoken gentleness
One he keeps hidden from view
But with his arms around you
You can feel that there is a sweeter side
Those dark eyes that pierce you
Have such untouched depth
That you want to sit and talk for hours
If it means that you can see
His emotions play across those eyes
A simple gesture
Of not removing your head from his shoulder
Brings you great joy
His persona would have been mean about it
But he just smiles and carries on
Early in the morning
When you both think the other is asleep
His arms stay around you
Never wavering
Those calloused fingers
Trace careful circles along your side
Something so hard shouldn’t be so sincere
The moment his arms pull you closer to him
As his breath stays steady
Your heart sores at his warm embrace
But the sweetest of moments
Is that of his strong hand
Gently tipping your chin up
To let his subtle lips meet yours
Shrouded in hazy morning light
His lips lighting every inch of you on fire
Those sensations so foreign to you
But make you want to travel
To every place they speak of
Jul 12, 2015
Jul 12, 2015 at 12:16 AM UTC
*...is that I was scared but you made me feel better.
...is that I loved having you hold me.
...is that I felt comfort from you playing with my hair and I didn't truly mean to deter you. I just didn’t know what to say.
...is that I enjoy how you treat me. I only voice complainants to have something to say.
...is that I actually liked watching you play your stupid video games.
...is that I would love for you to teach me how to play. I would loudly protest but behind that show of dislike I would love that you took the time and had the patience to teach me how to play.
...is that I want you to pick me up and place me on you lap because I would never put myself there.
...is that I have never been on a real date.
...is that I don’t know how to properly act when it comes to subtle hints. I will over think it all because of how I was raised.
...is that I ask you those questions about my own life because it’s all against what I was taught.
...is that I hate the way my mom talks about you.
...is that I hate the way my mom talks about me.
...is that I don’t exercise because when I do I feel belittled and ugly by my parents comments.
...is that I felt confident because you said I looked good in that shirt, even if I did ask you.
...is that I felt **** because of me for once and not my clothes that morning you kissed me the first time.
...is that I loved your best friend but we have both moved on and I have moved on to you.
...is that I know I’m probably wasting my time trying to go after you but I see it as a worthy cause.
...is that I know I’ll most likely get hurt by you but I welcome it.*
Jul 11, 2015
Jul 11, 2015 at 2:00 AM UTC
Dark eyes glint in the night
But nothing is as it seems
This isn’t a predator of evil
Though it can be one of flesh
It hates to be one of the mind
Yet somehow I feel at home
I know I am walking into the lion’s den
Laying down by it’s side
And trusting it not to hurt me
I am aware this is foolish
But I don’t really care
I left my worries and concerns at the door
Those aren’t needed here
I have faith in my captor
Though I’m not held against my will
I enjoy every second of it
The old me would have hated it
All of it
From being so close to someone
To letting someone speak to me the way they do
Though it isn’t completely wrong
I know those words aren’t meant to hurt me
Somehow I am unscathed
I feel I could flourish here
Poison flowing freely
Words not leaving marks
Only actions matter
Strong arms holding me prisoner
But I am oh to willing
Now I just fantasize of a predator’s eyes
Jul 7, 2015
Jul 7, 2015 at 3:19 AM UTC