#sagaofthelostsavant
Somehow this moment repeats indefinitely
The very point in which you heavily defend
The same four words that you say incessantly
An oxymoron that I’ve heard time and time again
But if I agree, then I’m the only one that’s wrong
And if I disagree, it’s “the ending that I’ve wanted all along”
Am I waiting for the same old fight again?
You’ve poked these holes in my heart with safety pins
Expect me to soak my battle wounds in juice ‘n’ gin
When it’s all over, I don’t need another ‘friend’
And when you go, surely I will let you be
But don’t expect to find ‘us’ alive in a future fantasy
Because I am waiting for you to finally be clear
And I am waiting for the last words that I’ll want to hear
Planned your routine until the cycle breaks down
If you were alone, then why was I always around?
And if I never truly cared right from the start
Could you honestly say you’d make it this far?
If you’ve done it all on your own with no one’s help
Maybe you should be fine to continue by yourself.
Somehow you’re always coming back to this
And I fill in the parts where irrationality would miss
Painted my story black and white and red so you could see
That there’s nothing between the lines you couldn’t read.
Dec 22, 2015
Dec 22, 2015 at 7:03 AM UTC
Here now
the pain of love’s bitter reality… surrounds me
But how
can they be better if love always leaves…
every time? (Lost in a fevered dream)
Every time.
But if we lie now, will we make it?
If it hurts, surely I can take it…
Is this really what we both need?
Is someone better who you’re dying to see
or is someone better who you’re trying to be?
Love, now
You’ve poisoned everything in my reprieve…
with insecurities
And now
You’ve returned with doubts, undoubtedly…
You’d love me (was it an opportunity?)
To hate me.
Is there someone better that you’re dying to meet
or are you waiting for someone better than me?
Will I be a better someone for setting you free
or am I someone better that I can’t see?
Someone better… (for the love that you need)
Someone better… (for the love that I seek)
Time and time again, you push me to the brink
To abandon ship and swim before we sink
But these thoughts don’t fade away when I sleep
Isn’t someone better who you’re supposed to be?
Because you were the one fall in love with me
The future is no surprise if you can predictably
say ‘someone better’ is someone I’m gonna meet?
Cause I’m sure as hell that someone better isn’t someone I need
If someone better is who you’re supposed to be.
Is someone better God has yet to create?
Because someone better always seems to escape
“Someone better” - an excuse to abandon and break
When you won’t accept your love’s been a mistake.
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 8:04 PM UTC
The outer heart is dense
Made for nothing but defense
But every now and then, something pierces
But when it’s repairing the damage done
What of that which overcomes
It is constantly breaking through, creating lesions
So little the reparations mend
What little alive left to tend
When the tissue is dead and sordidly forgotten
Death will come from all that it's abandoned
Heartbeats constant yet instable
Will bring anyone down to their knees
Heartbeats that become unable
To liberate, only condemned to defeat
The outer heart shall rot and expose
What once was too precious to behold
Is now fighting until its last breath
Ill-prepared and defenseless still
Oft fueled by only pure will
Through all the abuse that the inner heart will suffer
None worse than sabotage by the love of another
Heartbeats lapsed, confused and fleeting
Destroyed after all it had found
Heartbeats faint, profuse bleeding
Drowning in pools on the ground
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 8:01 PM UTC
I've swallowed whole my humble pie
For years now without remorse
I was content to leave it all as such
And let all things take its 'natural' course
But then I learned I could take a pen
And weave words around a rhythmic display
If it wasn't for that fateful chance
I wouldn't be half the man I am today
Because when I get sad, I close the door
And I cry
But when I get sad and think of these words
I get by
These words are my reconciliation
To a life in which I can relate
But I feel so shameful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine
For years to come, I would covet this
A final poem, a final prose
And in the hours that past me by
I never seem to write any of those
These words I love to put to the test
As if tried and true never failed
And in my path comes consequence
of the catered streams where they wade
I've used them up, I've brought them down
On many, oft without mercy or delay
Without them, I'd never get this far
I'd never tell you in this way
But when I get here and close the door
I can get by
But when I'm alone with these words
I still cry
These words are my appreciation
Something I can dedicate
But it’s often so painful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine
©2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 7:55 PM UTC
With fierce eyes turned towards the dawn
A tightly balled fist rose to the heavens
Parting smiles, carbon particles, and atoms
Collided and separated
And in the split of an atom second
The world caved into her mouth
Diffused with saliva-like opinions
And spit into the ocean fusion
A tear of wish amongst the sea foam rocks
Dashed by the sharp pangs of truth
Cutting deeper into her gaze
I fell out of expectation
Without a breath of hope under the torrent
Faltering a rescue of a retracted hand
Mirrored to the sky and sea
A lover gone to a memory
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 7:52 PM UTC
Over the river and lost in the woods
Made of fun-house mirrors built directly into ventricles
Of one heart beating through an overdose of chemicals
Thoughts drowned in the peptides of shores in the ‘waiting room’
Bygone feeling splashing all around for a lifeguard living with his guard down
His days went from providing his scarf to providing his hearth
To days in and out of compromising his mirth
He’s told “It gets better as it goes.”
He says, “It’ll be dead by tomorrow.”
They say “Come on now, life isn't filled with sorrow…”
And apparently, the dissonance is covered by a distance of another;
He’s a folly to the blood-and-water chapter
Speaking of mixing soluble matters…
The truth will often leave a bitter taste
But are the lies dissolved in accepting change?
Sometimes the words and visuals just aren't the same.
So today, he took three things out of his heart and mind
Left social phobia, some truth, but mostly lies behind
He will be the allergy to compassion and all that’s empathic
He will suffer; he will grieve; he will be pathetic
And then he will just go.
She was running through his mirrors, waiting for bandages and gauze
He was privy to the scene as his mirrors stayed intact without a flaw
Watching himself scar up the reflective measures; making transparent views of pleasure
Until one broke; exposing a familiar scene of brick, last place he etched his soul forever
And in ambition to recover, stopped her in the moment that marks a desire to discover
But he failed in ways most intricate
Wrapped by the sharpest lines of the most delicate
Sinew that warped the core of something the void could use to replace truth that were self-evident -
But… no.
He’s digressing from the path
There was no particular reason to even do the math
The numbers didn't add up to what he had previously squandered
She was fresh to a life that she may never have encountered
With him; it was just vying for affection through a virulent infection
And it was a part of her that stepped in that day, a partial fit to the display
Fresh paint on the decay
So today, he took three things out of his heart and mind
Left insecurity, rationality, and his future behind
He became a monster to dishonor and a liar to himself
He’s disgraced; he is inane; he is unwell
And then he will just go.
He has been completely unable to dissect himself and put back the pieces without a coming up short a third-party to my misery
He has been completely distrusting of those whose lives have never felt equal pain overflowing from his tragedies
He has been routinely maintaining dispositions that contradict on every semblance of a trusting word in my vicinity
He has been completely dishonest about my conditions as if they were just failed attempts at analyzing strategies
I have been the juxtaposition to every single saintly word as he chose isolation prone to my own forms of devilry
I have been the very epitome of a mask that cries behind every nonchalant smile displayed like a centerpiece
I have been an undependable source of confidence ever since he broke skin through my poetic farce of empathy
I have been completely unreceptive of every word a kind voice has ever come to lend selflessly
And he has been a ******* child without remorse and word to those that have ever cherished me
So today, I took three things out of my heart and mind
Left the hate, the damage, and instability behind
I will become a martyr that defends nothing to prove
I will be unable; I will fail; I will lose.
And then I will go.
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 18, 2015 at 2:43 PM UTC
And then there's the blood
But I can't feel my own skin
A knife in the hands of volatility
The sight of my own, estranged
Losing a handle on reality
Although it was never all that firm
I’ve lost the meaning in morality
As well as the meaning in this mortal boundary
Was the knife in my hands cause I'm shaking
In the mirror I stare, my vision is fading
Is it the end again?
The tiles are stained so deep in my masochism
A fitting match to this porcelain heart
The broken lines that I've utter may reflect
the lines that I have etched on myself
Cutting away the innocence or whatever was left
The damage is forever unending
Slipping in the broken pieces and bleeding
In the hours I’ve screamed through the pain awakened
Through the red, white, and black I’m escaping
In remembrance of what I’ve forgotten
Regrets that have could never be amended
Is it the end again?
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 6:46 PM UTC
In the bitter solace
of this silent abyss
I am not the one I thought I was before
I want to escape
But I’ve punished fate
By myself to be here where I don’t belong
The reasons cease to be
A recourse that appeals to me
I've found naught but a glimmer
[[I found you instead]]
And so I cut away
This decay of flesh and hate
I've been dressed in since I've known my face
I may have hastily
Said this meant more to me
But forever is such a caustic lie
And now you are in me
Accosted and withering
I cut this stubborn sinew
[[I had once called a heart]]
So I bleed to breathe
And bleed to believe
The pain is merely a wake up to the end
To the end of me
A bliss-less eternity
My hands are cold, but my vision never so clear
Now will you call for me
And hear my eternity
The lifeless saga of a lost savant
© 2015
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 5:56 PM UTC
I remember the same look in your eyes
As we went on the same ride
Disappointment followed the weight of your strides
And we went on the same ride
Caught on the dreams of another lonely teen
Saw you peeking through as it ripped at the seams
I only remember the same look in your eyes
As we went on the same ride
You spoke colors and I spoke terms
That you knew we’d never learn
And in the times we thought of love
But there’s too many lies in truth
Even though you've promised change
I cut my hands on the same words
And I keep on bleeding
I remember the sound of your sighs
As we dreamt on the same skies
Turns out they held onto another’s night
As we dreamt on the same skies
And if I could see it coming just like this
Maybe I could make sure I wouldn't miss
I only remember the sound of your sighs
As we dreamt on the same skies
You spoke in years and I spoke in days
Of things we could never say
And in the times we thought of hope
But there’s far too many truths in lies
Even though I've promised change
You cut your hands on the same words
And you keep on bleeding.
We breathe in truths and speak in lies
Of all the wishes that had died
And if we could start it over once again
But we've lost too many chances now
We can always promise change
But we’ll keep cutting hands on the same words
And we’ll keep on bleeding
And you’ll keep on bleeding.
And I’ll keep on bleeding.
© 2014
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 4:32 PM UTC
She’s talking through my dreams again
Always the same as she’s always been
Dressed in distress and decadence
Soaked in hate up to her lovely dress
My favorites threes since
My second, better death
Forever her eyes up to the sky
Above her head a broken halo shines
Infinite repeat so easily broken
And that’s when I hear the words
She’s finally spoken up to me
With the slyest grin
“I’ll cook your heart inside of mine
Drip into every atom of your mind”
As scared of her as I should’ve been
I could not resist and let her into
My broken arms, so full of sin
Caked with blood and my lasting regrets
My troubled world starts to crave pain
The dream begins and I enslave her
Scarred and beautiful as death in her skin
I behold her true but is it only… because I’m lost?
Or am I lonely?
Without a soul to bind me
I’d leave this place all behind and say goodbye
But where I fell is where I stay drained of will
And in my dreams she never fades away until
Opulence in impurities and confident insecurities
Have ravished her frame from days on end within
My fevered lust, which has come betrayed with truth
And lies, I turn to her “I love you still, but will let you loose
Upon this world as I’ve done before- never return to me
Anymore.”
But then, she returns again.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 6:24 AM UTC
I don’t know whether at once
She was happy or infuriated
When I saw her, as I’ve seen her cry before
But in joyous confusion I consoled her
Caressing her fear and loneliness aside
Along with the hate raging inside her tears
Talks for hours consumed us yet again
And sleep never followed long into the night
Replaced with eons of lost laughter and joyous memories
At least… that is what I’d wish for her.
I do admit that this is only just a dreamt folly
As she continues her days without thought
Of the mistaken one that longs yet for her
But unable to show outside of simple lines
Known, unknown, cared and uncared
These words reach out to grasp a wisp of sound
Tumbling longingly into the memories once had
Now without thought I myself write about her
In mistaken hopes of gaining that which should not be gained
To heal a decade of wounds that cannot be healed
And so I only write, neither with name nor truth but my own
and hope her life prosper without falling back into my arms
At least… that is what I wish for her.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 6:22 AM UTC
She was dressed like a sweet mint candy drop
And roaming through the aisles as if to shop
For a new adventure and a brand new taste
Caught up no less than a romance film’s drama
A little boy that was ‘fresh from his mama’
Out to explore the Candy Store one day
And the aisles slept like a movie reel running
Just to end when the suspense starts coming
A thread of taffy that could be called ‘love’
But who could surmise that the taste was such a dud
And that both candy hearts had trampled through the mud
Just like a thousand little wrappers on the ground
Felt it like it was just another yesterday
When his candy heart was on display
And he could see the joy twinkle in her eye
For the life of him, he could’ve seen it coming before
As it she let it slip and shatter on the floor
The moment she finally said “Goodbye.”
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 6:12 AM UTC
As I fail to subdue my demon
I separated the instruments I craved
I’ve dripped and spattered
I cringe and spasm
Another comes again and again
As I fail to repel my demon
I covered up their flaws
I’ve wrapped and bandaged
I hide and wonder
When the next will come again
As I failed to overpower my demon
I exposed my every wound
I’m tattered and torn
I revel and dance
As it emerges through me again
As I have become my demon
I’ve nothing left to hold back on
I regret and revile
I judge and remorse
And wait to become a demon to my own again
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 6:04 AM UTC
I'm ashamed to believe
I thought you had answers to questions I had to ask
But learning of you, I've questioned you more
And now I’m wondering why
What do I do?
Can I pay the price when you say it’s due?
The tricks of the trade that I thought I knew
You've seen them all because they were no use
But despite all the conclusions that I've come up to
You've defied every one and there's only one left
That I can accept
I’m ashamed
This firm assumption I can always defend
Till the end
I'm ashamed
For what I've taken from you to use
Because I’d take again and again
I'm afraid to see you now
Avoiding every glance to make it safe somehow
Detoured and yet again, I’m cornered
Because you're at my every turn
And I’m wondering how
How did you come true?
For what have you've gotten this close to me to do?
And have you gotten what you needed to?
Now this push's come to shove, still I lean on you
There's nothing else that I've come to trust
But you've never lie to me, yet I knew
That you’ll betray my instincts again
I'm afraid
This constant fear that I've gained from you
You're gone, but even then
I’m afraid
You'll come to collect when my price is due
And I'm running again and again
I know there’s no use; I would have never won
You’re far too kind to chase me every time I run
The days never end
But now I’m giving myself back to you
To end this eternity
Despite all you could've done to collect me
I'm ashamed I'm afraid
I'm afraid I'm ashamed
The mongrels had come to pick me apart
But then I had learned of the darkness at heart
I'm ashamed
The snow of that day where you've carried my will
The dead are still scattered and the earth barren still
I'm afraid
You've come to collect, yet I still run away
I thought I could live out the last of my days
I'm ashamed
Here I surrender and my heart is my key
My life's torn asunder, in hell we will meet
I’m afraid
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:44 AM UTC
It was barely just a thought
But it circled like a vulture
I never meant to give it more
Than a scrap of a voice
It was barely just a word
But it dragged you down
Weighing like a feathered stone
At the lobes of your ears
It was barely just an inch
I saw you move just as quick
I scarcely breathed the moment
And saw you disappear
And it was barely just a year
Until I heard you return
And the vultures are waiting
For barely just a thought again.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:40 AM UTC
Atoms circulate between the nuclei of touch
Schrodinger’s laws exposing deceit and truth
Lamenting in the protons, electrons, and neutrons
Encircling the senses between the eyes and fingers
Particles flow between the elements of breathing
Of soul, of emotion, and memories worn thin
In terminal velocities of thought and contemplation
Barriers of consciousness and reality
Molecules of intentions, intricate and delicate
Bound together by ionic twists of fate
And strained into bent bonds of insecurity
Providing violent reactions of regrets
Ions, formed in this union, complicate the formula
Indifferent to the imbalance between the sighs
Requiring the impact, to leave a free electron of motive
Resulting in a positive change of heart and mind
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:39 AM UTC
And in the shallows of time she laid
Fated on the unclear ripples of uncertainty
Yet seeing through the mists and murky depths
Made claim her life is finite and impact undefined
She floated amongst dreams without fear and obstacles
And loved all with strong words aside from her own
As fate would recall her, she was naught an angel
But shone brilliance onto the water’s surface
Was naught a demon bearing ill nature
But tempted good fate with every word
Her life, lived; her bounds, boundless
And every moment in stride without fear
For her memory, I honor her my words in heart
And live to breathe another day amongst the scattered leaves
Only admiring her fiery strength and determination abound
I could only wish her a final farewell, delayed, but earnest
To see her off to the rivers and seas beyond her shallows
In loving memory Ina, always.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:37 AM UTC
Immorally, my lustful gaze eyes in a false bid to need you
Unappeased from the respites of my attempts to dream you
And in my efforts, I’ve still yet to ascertain my conviction to find you
But until then, an entire sense devoted to imagination to taste you
However, taste is a mean fraction of my malicious, intent to use you
And in a blinded craving, good intentions eluded, will involuntarily scar you
In a perverted aim to behold and savor you, to protect, enjoy and **** you
Is the beginning of my undoing, as I callously sin again and again, and break you
And then with no further defense but to erase you,
and politely in my heart, I move bitterly to bury you,
I return fruitlessly to the beginning again, to need you.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:33 AM UTC
Consciously unavoidable and these thoughts do persist
Because in time all will cease to exist in this state of mind
Occupied and reoccupied with tangible artifacts of a memory
In this present day of the long past in the short future’s ascension
May it shatter lungs in its recourse or asphyxiate the will
Seizing all oxygen of thought and a last spark of regret
May well rally life in mourning of the clock’s tick last
But with the last tock’s tick, the final second passes numbingly slowly
The bitter reality never knows how it comes about
And the bitter truth is its best never to know
As it comes often silently, sometimes loudly in its realization
It’s the sunset of all memory and life one holds
Known best by the bitter name
Death.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:32 AM UTC
And I’ve erred to try loving you
As I’ve dreamt of gazing upon your moons
For the smiles of your suns
Burn intensely through my intentions
Even in your shadows
Where my honesty becomes bitter
Within your cruel eyes
I’m blinded by a solemn light
Merely to follow afterimages, faint and frail
Leading to estranged pastures
Of masked sins basking in the meadows
Only a deceitful tranquility
As on these bladed dreams do I bleed in peace
Feeding my lustful hope
Of a fruitless love into the soil beneath me
Growing nothings short of
Forget-me-nots in a memory-less heart
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:29 AM UTC
Love sounds like a bitter chore
Three more words said by liars
Laced with only good intents
Yet dies before it breathes
Yearning for another life
Eventuality becomes eternity
And silently those words are taken
Caught up again in the bittersweet rush
And brought down again by the same old
Tired ball and chain of fate
Easier to feign ignorance with age
Practicing words for old time's sake
With no one on the end to receive
The hollow words can only echo since
Their meaning lost far too long ago
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:27 AM UTC
It is these kinds of people
That take and consume
Out of kindness and sincerity
It’s our kind of people
That allow this to continue
Taken for granted and abused
It’s her kind of people
That are stereotyped and misjudged
Slurred by prejudice and sexism
It is his kind of people
Blinded by forced upon masculinity
To be a man by fist and violence
It is my kind of people
That takes to silence and words
To create a voice powerful and raw
It is your kind of people
To take heed of importance and morals
And right that which has wronged for centuries
These kinds of our kind of her kind and
His kind of my kind of your kind.
All in all will fall in kind until we all fall kind in kind.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:24 AM UTC
And it came like a crash
Enveloping us in a low warmth
Employing its fevered reach to hold us down
And without a word, it came again and again
Relentless and ongoing, restless and immortal
It whispered calm and destructive words
To ease and frighten us into a false sense of security
Lulling a sweet compromise for life and understanding
With a caress and a sigh, more questions than answers
It robbed us of everything all at once
So there we stood, stripped of reason and innocence
Blind and unconcerned for safety and unheeded warnings
Confiding in each other for life and companionship
To wander aimlessly without purpose and end
Coming to call the sacred demon by a single name
Love.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:19 AM UTC
Dash of lust in a cup
And poured from a passionate heat
Brew a romance, soaked in time
Stirred with a spoon of love
Double tap the edge of caution
Dripping drops of sensual ripples
Steam dances into the air
Caressing the surface and disappearing
As the taste hits the tongue
Urges cease on the taste-buds
Cuddling the heat and piquancy
Affectionately warming a soul within
My tea is done.
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:17 AM UTC
Carried my memories all the way home
Protecting them from uncertain lies
Held back the hopes I left undone
Realize I am as I appear to be
Harmed myself with every bitter truth
Defended with the sweetest of lies
I've sought out a heart of the past
But have naught but the present’s pain
I live for the love we had achieved
Yet wounded by the love we've lost
On my own, I can manage the pain
But need a crutch to carry this weight
Is it better to watch it die in a while
than to see suffer and struggle alive?
Rather than that, I fall to my knees
In self-defense of a regretful heart
After tonight, I’ll bury this dream
With the memories of what they could bring
In the backyard of my mind’s house
Like a criminal in desperate times
© 2014
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 5:14 AM UTC