#sadderdaze
i love like a mangled dog,
rummaging through the grimiest corners
for some sort of semblance
of tranquility disguised as chaos
fangs constantly bared
but ceaselessly yearning
to be a subject of someone’s affection
tell me,
how do i stop loving like this?
contorted. star-eyed. gullible.
tell me,
how do i stop being loved
with anything but love?
until then,
i’ll still wait for you by the porch
tied on a leash too close to my pulse.
i’ll keep on waiting.
(when) are you coming back?
are you coming back?
Jun 20, 2023
Jun 20, 2023 at 8:00 AM UTC
i want to make a poem
about how much i yearn for you
and for the moments and time
lost in the wind.
but the words refuse to come out;
it drags itself up to my throat and just hangs there.
it just
hangs there,
kept and caged in the crevices of my mind.
perhaps it hurts too much to write
because the pain becomes real;
and it becomes terrifying.
Jul 11, 2021
Jul 11, 2021 at 12:10 PM UTC
these days
feel so abundantly empty;
i have become absolutely enamored
with the way our silence lulls us to sleep;
embracing each other's warmth and company.
but, alas, such bitter fate.
now, i try to fill the void with mindless chatters
but it all remains futile.
everything hurts without you.
Jul 11, 2021
Jul 11, 2021 at 11:04 AM UTC
and then i saw you
again; the silence between
us became painful.
Jul 27, 2020
Jul 27, 2020 at 7:37 AM UTC
you are more than
just dusted "i love you's"
you are the sun,
setting down,
assuring me
of the little questions
i have within me.
you cradle the zephyr
that i carry
on my burdened shoulders
and i watch
as you let it crumble
on your deific palms
as every modicum of doubt
disappears.
Jan 15, 2020
Jan 15, 2020 at 1:55 PM UTC
the warmth, lingering,
i could breathe for a moment
and then you left me.
Nov 21, 2019
Nov 21, 2019 at 9:34 PM UTC
the nights devoid of holiness
always seemed
to find itself tangled
with the crestfallen visage
always plastered on mine.
a close acquaintance of mine
would be the moon--
glimmering and illuminating
the regrets and mistakes
emblazoned deeply
onto every fibre of my being.
my dreaded moment has come--
the clock made itself known;
reverberating
through the fragile threshold
i dared to call my home.
once more,
it made me a fool
for believing
i could be liberated
from this labyrinth.
Nov 21, 2019
Nov 21, 2019 at 9:21 PM UTC
our naked silence & honey kiss
were nothing to him
he will curse our empty love
with a bittersweet word
and you let it **** us.
Oct 10, 2019
Oct 10, 2019 at 12:36 PM UTC
would it be selfish of me
to ask for more
than sneaky glances here and there?
mouths desperate
to form sentences
to confabulate with you
but i rebel against my own body,
incorrigible mutters
bolting its way out of my lips.
would it be selfish of me
to ask for more
than an hour to spend with you?
eyebrows knitting together
in confusion
as you laugh
about matters of the heart,
looking through me
with perceptive eyes
and i try not to look away.
but fate
has a terrible affinity
for separating the two of us,
so i wish
we werent back to square one
but that would be wistful thinking.
Aug 27, 2019
Aug 27, 2019 at 9:31 AM UTC
i hate talking
to myself about you.
i hate crafting
poetic idioms and metaphors
that only remind me of
walking through endless hallways,
hoping to find the exodus of everything.
i hate counting
the stars on the firmament above —
i know i will always lose count
but i will always count back to the beginning.
i hate visualizing
sceneries that seem to say frozen
in front of me:
two shadows falling on each other
to fill the empty spaces
but the gap will never cease to exist.
i absolutely despise
writing about the curves of your lips
but my mind cannot fathom
how deeply besotted i am with you.
so i turn you into poetry —
because i cannot have you in any other way.
Jul 16, 2019
Jul 16, 2019 at 10:28 PM UTC
your name will forever linger on my mouth,
immeshing the dust within the fragile pages of a literary classic.
“my eyes were dazed by you for a little, and that was all.”
you saunter freely with romantic words i cannot grasp and call as ours.
my love for you seeps out of the vintage texts—
unfinished; refusing to fill out the blanks and questions.
in vain —
that’s what all it was.
no more, no less.
Jul 11, 2019
Jul 11, 2019 at 6:55 AM UTC
i fancy
using flamboyant words.
"you make me feel like ****
shifts into
"you have left me
in such a state of perplexity
that even i can
absolutely not comprehend."
"i am heartbroken"
turns into
"the existence of pain and longing
makes itself wont
to the confines of my heart,
making a home out of it.”
"i hate you"
morphs into
"a surfeit of sentiments
fill the pail to the brim,
i could only make sense
of abhorrence clinging onto my head."
every time
i wear my heart on my sleeve,
misery emerges
from the shadows
and torments me --
i cannot be
liberated from
the never-ending loop of misfortunes.
i yearn that these
bitter emotions
diminish into nothingness
until not even an iota of thought
could mar me.
i yearn that these
senseless cluster of letters
find their way back to you--
just as it should be.
Jul 5, 2019
Jul 5, 2019 at 1:56 AM UTC
id like to think
that you never left
id like to think
that i didnt hear the reverberation of the door
closing in on the two of us.
ive made a fort
out of unwanted memories
i desperately try to keep at bay
but they keep on calling out to me like it was a graveyard
reaching for victims
bewitched by consternation
broken mirrors,
mangled sheets,
drive thrus in the ungodly hours, awkward silences,
cut outs of what we shared together —
those things
could never compare with
how i feel so at home
with another being's body before
all my life,
all i ever did
was give such tumultuous love
and receive none of it back.
so id like to pretend
even though
i am constantly marred by reality.
Apr 16, 2019
Apr 16, 2019 at 1:56 PM UTC
i have learned to love in silence —
eyes no more than just a glance,
arms engulfing my frail stature,
fingers grazing your flesh,
lips knitted tightly
so not to speak of
how irrevocable i could love.
this quaint affection which i give to you
was returned by no more than
just hushed confabulations and regret.
and so i learn to love in silence —
for you are much more of an art from afar
that i do not dare wish to taint you
with my mere nothingness.
for i cannot speak of
how i would toss and turn
in the dead of the night,
wishing of what could have been;
how i am besotted with your existence painted in bright and vibrant tints.
loving in silence
had become a matter
that my heart is wont to do
and not an ounce of surprise
rushes to me when i hear nothing
but the soft zephyr.
Apr 14, 2019
Apr 14, 2019 at 12:31 PM UTC
there was a girl who cried wolf;
it echoes from the hollows of crevices
until it inevitably comes back to her --
it only welcomes her with silence.
and i stand there and watch
as she continues to cry wolf.
the river -
gushing, flowing, full of life -
it stops to listen to her wishes.
the wind -
withdraws from crafting a tempest
and stills.
planted in my own roots,
i sit and hear her howls of desperation.
now, sans woe bellows
from her sunken cheeks,
frail body clad in loneliness.
a ghost of a smile
marrs her rose-colored face.
"liberated," she said, "i wish to be liberated."
Mar 14, 2019
Mar 14, 2019 at 11:33 PM UTC
this is what it feels like to love you;
its almost as if
im a meager child
waiting by the windowsill,
leaving parts of myself
i thought i didnt need anymore,
yet as days and nights flash
before my eyes,
i wonder if this is how
i dreamt to be
when i tuck myself to sleep.
its almost as if
im walking in the darkness
with nothing to guide me
but my own foolishness,
grasping at any broken material
just to keep me from falling —
yet much to my own dismay,
i lie here in the cold floor –
mangled and barren.
and i ponder;
is the universe
trying to keep us together
or apart?
this is what it felt like to love you;
just as how icarus loved the sun.
Jan 13, 2019
Jan 13, 2019 at 11:45 PM UTC
when i am with you,
i feel
particles of myself
slowly sweep away
until
i am no more
than an empty entity
of existence.
instead,
i am
a melancholic siren;
consternation constanly emerges
from the salty ocean
i baptize myself in
to rid myself
of the blood of agony
on my lips.
sailors enchanted
by the wicked melody
i speak of;
eyes closed shut,
listening closely to
the languages
my mouth formed;
demise imbuing
their eyes
for this sonata
is bewitching yet atrocious.
yet you pay
no heed
to my woes,
even after the
nights transitioned
into light years;
i call for you,
you dare not
look back at me;
for i looked
just like everybody else,
just another
mistaken identity.
Aug 27, 2018
Aug 27, 2018 at 10:40 AM UTC
yearning for something
i desire;
what lies beneath
the ivory duvet
when the rays of the sun
spares a shy glance
around the nook and cranny
of your room;
hands aching
to lace around yours;
waiting to taste sweet you,
bitterness slowly creeping
up to its own demise,
this is why the maidens
sung their hearts out
to accompany
the grieving tremors
that shook the faulty edges
we had built,
atop of guilt and uncertainties.
flustered sheets scattered
on the floor,
pieces of myself
i can no longer get back to
whilst a gaping hole
greeting my own eyes
held a fragment of truth and silence.
( this is not my home;
this is the apparition’s
treacherous threshold. )
yearning for something
i lost;
the warmth of your embrace,
contrasting with the
glare of the sun
pouring down on me,
easiness could never
give justice to you;
sly brushes of lips against my skin,
as if chanting
bohemian chants
all over me
to get out of this
witchcraft that we call love;
longingness in your eyes,
a renaissance painting
in front of you,
begging to feel
the constellations
in your hands
cascading through
every vein in me.
still, i feel something coil
deep inside me,
were you truly mine?
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 10:50 AM UTC
i am tired
of waking up
in the middle of the night
at the sound of
my skin tearing itself apart,
i can no longer remove
the stamp of
your lips and hands
off me;
my sides splitting open
so my scars ensconced
deep beneath the surface
can tell the story
of how i fell for you.
i am tired
of staying up
with nothing but
the company of the moon,
awaiting for its eclipse,
blinking away
fragments of what we had —
filled to the brim
with adoration —
although fleeting.
memories of
how you held me —
only distant.
again,
the clock chimed
unforgivingly,
reminding me
of late night drive throughs
around the crevices
of my wreckage of thoughts —
spilled and separated;
full of you,
only you.
Aug 8, 2018
Aug 8, 2018 at 11:46 AM UTC
a distinct feature
in my appearance
would be
the bags under my eyes;
i remember staying up
until my bones quiver
under the bewitching spells
of the moon’s forgotten raving sonatas,
enticing enough to cradle
an iota of dejected sentiments
from centuries and centuries ago.
i remember looking up
at the night sky
until my eyes flicker from dust to ashes,
burning the crevices of every wall i built,
graveyards broken down
to match the unmatched
bleakness of the ignominious sorrow
peeking out of the corner of your soles.
i remember laying down,
not once had silence became overbearing
that i could hear the faintest brush
of a weightless feather falling
from a tainted nest,
aching to meet its pernicious lover.
i remember closing my eyes,
shifting everything elsewhere;
still, i dread the feeling of compunction
emerging deep from
the landmines of mistakes
that i had claimed as my home
and my shelter.
but this, i could never forget:
i remember
being envious of you;
how you do not
lay awake at night,
wondering if things
could have been better.
Jul 31, 2018
Jul 31, 2018 at 2:58 PM UTC
recurrent moonlit distractions
captured by words
tied down into morsels;
separated and concealed,
contiguous yet sheer greetings
of each other’s skin
had left wanton burns
and gushing streams
of a brooding lover’s propensity
for unsusceptible matters of the heart.
there, he stood,
on the precipice of tomorrows;
ruminating and scrupulous,
forlorn yet never dithering
over mundane and quintessential quandaries
of the tepid gloss of incertitude
dangling off syllables
dictated by sordid agony.
there, he stood,
in the midst of everything;
from the otiose adoration
poured out of empty caskets
to the lenitive shades of his eyes.
with the ripples of moonlight,
the gestalt of doleful flower-like hearts,
there, she stood,
and waited.
Jul 26, 2018
Jul 26, 2018 at 10:15 AM UTC
we were contained in an ellipsis,
desperately aching for
delicate strings of words
uttered by ghastly and shallow mouths.
we were contained in an ellipsis,
the silence
cradled the proximity
of the entangled messes
of our universe.
this was us.
this was our ellipsis,
it never seemed to end.
Jul 6, 2018
Jul 6, 2018 at 8:10 PM UTC
i woke up next to you again,
red wine lips
slightly parted,
a contented sigh
escaping out
of crushed cherries.
the night is still young,
you had said,
a lopsided grin
crawling its way
to your sinful mouth
speaking in dead languages.
( do not lie to me, darling )
i woke up next to you again,
eyebrows furrowed,
small hands traveled to mine,
soft whilst never unwavering.
you begged me to stay,
never letting go of the
edges of my shirt.
insides stirred,
i watched you in awe
as you pat the spot
next to you.
( just this once, i let you do as you please )
i woke up next to you again,
gaze already set
on my visage.
a lazy smile and a kiss
greeting me.
this was love,
you had thought
but you were
wrong.
( tonight will be the last, mi amor)
i woke up next to you again,
clothes tattered and torn,
lifeless eyes greeting me,
sheets splotched
with regret and blood.
grief and love
are no such thing.
May 7, 2018
May 7, 2018 at 6:39 AM UTC
i can be whatever
you want me
to be,
i can be the waves
crashing down
to the shores
to find solitude
in your arms,
aching to seek everything
i can never truly have;
i can be the treacherous current,
sweeping you away
from the palms
of pandora's box,
reaching out
to lay their mouths
( shut / stitched / knitted )
filled with tribulation.
i can fold myself
into neat edges,
abandoning every ghost town
i conquered
and called mine,
every window sill
attached with symbiosis
and laced with piles of
'sorry' and 'forgive me.'
i can be metaphors
clinging around every part of you,
wishing to be liberated
from reveries
accompanied with memories
of how you held me
with qualmy and shivering hands.
so tell me
because
i can be
whatever you
want me to be.
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018 at 11:20 PM UTC