#refusal
Maybe I’m wasted, a bit
out of mind, and my
mainspring is busted
and now I won’t wind.
Maybe you’re laughing.
Now, maybe you’re sad,
or dancing, or sitting,
or simply gone mad.
I won’t tell the time to you,
I won’t sing a song,
I won’t chime to you
Rhyme to you
Ding! Ding! ****
For you. Not even
For your asking.
No, time has stopped for now.
And until you notice how,
There is no now.
No, now I won’t wind.
Denver - 1978
Nov 20, 2021
Nov 20, 2021 at 3:53 AM UTC
I am boiling inside
Rage
Rage
Rage
A mental room destroyed
Unheard words and curses
An animal uncaged
The intensity
Of a broken heart
That refuses
To accept the truth
That I am miserable
Without you
Mar 25
Mar 25, 2026 at 10:39 AM UTC
- for the lake girl who is -
- learning to read the tide-
------------------------------------------------------------
When you've settled
for being wet
long enough—
the deep water
starts to look
like somewhere to go.
I know exactly
where my edges are.
I have mistaken that
for knowing myself.
A cage
also has
well-defined edges.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Ice Queen."
"Scaredy cat."
"Control freak."
"Overly cautious."
All of those
are dresses
worn by something younger—
something that needed protection
before it had the words
to ask for it.
I see you.
I have been you.
------------------------------------------------------------
The choice
is always between
the pool
and the ocean.
Contained: safe
Great expanse: alarming
There is no third option.
Only how much unknown
you can tolerate
today.
------------------------------------------------------------
The anxious you
that needed assurance
and didn't know
how to name the need.
The avoidant you
that learned to refuse
the unknown
and called it
refusing the unwanted.
They are not
the same thing.
That distinction
is where you begin.
--------------------------------------------------------
Not a place to arrive.
A process to absorb.
Some days
you walk in
to your knees.
That counts.
Mar 11
Mar 11, 2026 at 8:45 PM UTC
- for the lake girl who is -
- learning to read the tide-
------------------------------------------------------------
When you've settled
for being wet
long enough—
the deep water
starts to look
like somewhere to go.
I know exactly
where my edges are.
I have mistaken that
for knowing myself.
A cage
also has
well-defined edges.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Ice Queen."
"Scaredy cat."
"Control freak."
"Overly cautious."
All of those
are dresses
worn by something younger—
something that needed protection
before it had the words
to ask for it.
I see you.
I have been you.
------------------------------------------------------------
The choice
is always between
the pool
and the ocean.
Contained: safe
Great expanse: alarming
There is no third option.
Only how much unknown
you can tolerate
today.
------------------------------------------------------------
The anxious you
that needed assurance
and didn't know
how to name the need.
The avoidant you
that learned to refuse
the unknown
and called it
refusing the unwanted.
They are not
the same thing.
That distinction
is where you begin.
--------------------------------------------------------
Not a place to arrive.
A process to absorb.
Some days
you walk in
to your knees.
That counts.
Mar 11
Mar 11, 2026 at 8:45 PM UTC
- for the lake girl who is -
- learning to read the tide-
------------------------------------------------------------
When you've settled
for being wet
long enough—
the deep water
starts to look
like somewhere to go.
I know exactly
where my edges are.
I have mistaken that
for knowing myself.
A cage
also has
well-defined edges.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Ice Queen."
"Scaredy cat."
"Control freak."
"Overly cautious."
All of those
are dresses
worn by something younger—
something that needed protection
before it had the words
to ask for it.
I see you.
I have been you.
------------------------------------------------------------
The choice
is always between
the pool
and the ocean.
Contained: safe
Great expanse: alarming
There is no third option.
Only how much unknown
you can tolerate
today.
------------------------------------------------------------
The anxious you
that needed assurance
and didn't know
how to name the need.
The avoidant you
that learned to refuse
the unknown
and called it
refusing the unwanted.
They are not
the same thing.
That distinction
is where you begin.
--------------------------------------------------------
Not a place to arrive.
A process to absorb.
Some days
you walk in
to your knees.
That counts.
Mar 11
Mar 11, 2026 at 8:45 PM UTC
The dawn will not respond
The bleak letters stand
The reprieve lives only as theater
And we are at hand
In the palm, clenched
Awkward fixation and reflex
Determined in the hex
What then shant be written
And often times surrendered
Oh the meakly minted papers
Scrolls of nomads taunt
Yes, we are vile
Completing our wound
That we are bound to one and all
Despite spite unglued
Wisdom and refusal
And reluctance timber again
Each decade spent
Each mundane wish dispelled
Feb 21
Feb 21, 2026 at 10:19 PM UTC
I refused
To listen to friends and family
Who warned me what will come
I refused
To look at the signs and flags
That told me to go back
I refused
To make boundaries and lines
Out of self-respect
I refused
To stand tall and put my foot down
When I kept getting hurt
I refused
To give up what we have
Even though you were long gone
I refused
To allow myself to process
To let myself break down
I refused
Even though time has passed
And the pain settled in
I refused
Despite all the heartbreak and pain
To stop loving you
Jul 30, 2025
Jul 30, 2025 at 9:54 AM UTC
That's me what I'm now, my life is certain.
You'll call me, and I'll say: 'Hello, I'll call later.’
You'll answer: 'OK. I got it. No problem.'
And I'll left with a guilt that you're a waiter.
The time will trip forth, to feelings athwart.
And you'll await for my call all the same.
My answer to you is my heavy load now,
My refusal words and short tones after them...
And you'll await for my call until last,
Until your last profound sigh.
If I could turn all things around,
I'll call you back after a while...
Forgive me...
Jul 29, 2025
Jul 29, 2025 at 5:40 PM UTC
I've run out of sheep to count
Leaving me wide awake through this living nightmare
Sowing a seed of doubt
Is life's refusal to even consider fighting fare
Each step taken while walkin' about
Feeds on the back of my mind, whispering, "do it if you dare"
Fueling despair
Instigating internal warfare
Causing excessive ware and tare
Resulting in a head of hair gone bare
And I'm forced to bite my tongue completely off
To keep from admitting I no longer care
©2024
Nov 16, 2024
Nov 16, 2024 at 8:09 PM UTC
Thoughts refusing to leave yesterday
Won't stay out of tomorrow
Aware of the price one might pay
For lingering in past sorrow
Or fearing a role one might play
In a future no one could know
Becoming oblivious to the passing of every present day
Standing at a crossroad like, "where'd today go?"
©2024
Jun 15, 2024
Jun 15, 2024 at 2:55 PM UTC
"I love you"
notification appears
"I don't love you"
notification appears again,
Story ends.
Oct 10, 2022
Oct 10, 2022 at 2:19 PM UTC
fear them;
for their strength
for their intelligence
for their rationality
and their unwavering pursuit of the truth
fear them
because they know more than you
because, in their strength, they are stronger than you
just like how in their clear headed soberness
they scare you
with simple truths
because of your refusal to acknowledge them
simply put
fear them
because they are repulsed by you
and can figure out how to be rid of you
and will be rid of you
when your usefulness dries
Jan 18, 2021
Jan 18, 2021 at 2:14 AM UTC
Feel free
Message me
Anything you need
I smile mechanically
You know better, see
I never take opportunities
Aug 30, 2019
Aug 30, 2019 at 8:46 PM UTC
Tastes good, doesn't it?
The fire burns your throat
as you chug a shot down.
The taste ain't sweet,
but the feeling sure is.
The drunker you get,
the higher you float.
"Can life always feel this good?"
The answer's no,
but you refuse to accept it.
Jun 2, 2018
Jun 2, 2018 at 11:10 PM UTC
Our hearts are such fragile things
But they will not be swayed
They soar like a pair of wings
They won't be disobeyed
Our hearts break
When they crack, they don't go back
Our hearts ache
They won't give in, until they win
I've tried many times
To defy the wishes of my heart
I've paid the price of my crimes
The consequences are ****
No matter how many times I deny
It becomes no less true
My silence you need not buy
I have already given it to you
I can't even lie to myself
No matter how I try
To put my emotions on a shelf
To tell them goodbye
I cannot deny
The feelings inside
I try and try
But they will not hide
May 13, 2018
May 13, 2018 at 8:53 PM UTC
Shall I fade into the quiet nothingness?
To be lost?
To wander?
To exist in the dark places of your heart?
Shall I have no meaning?
No hope?
No love?
No light to guide my way?
I refuse.
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 2:54 PM UTC
Won’t you lie here with me? Can’t we just let the world slip away?
Or would it hurt you too much to let anyone near your heart? Even if that someone is me?
Won’t you say anything at all? Even if it’s not what I want to hear? I’d rather have harsh truths than kind lies.
And I know you will not lie. You will not be kind.
Your face is stoic, it makes me want to cry.
Do you not feel anything? Does anything break through the surface of your skepticism? Though I try and try to see past your unrelenting negativity you continue to surprise me with your coldness. How do you stay so cold?
The silence you project is screaming, pounding in my ears and everything in me burns for the affection you refuse to give.
Why do you pretend I’m not even here? I want a way out, but being alone terrifies me more than you do. Terrifies me more than the silence and the cold. Maybe after a while, the coldness won’t hurt.
I can wait.
Mar 12, 2018
Mar 12, 2018 at 3:55 PM UTC
Humanity travels with strangers
With strange people
who are only strange to us because we lack their humanity
because we know not of their suffering
Because we know not what we destroy with the refusal to handle things carefully
Feb 28, 2016
Feb 28, 2016 at 12:49 PM UTC
What is this dread I feel?
That keeps me awake at night.
That haunts my dreams?
Who else am I to lose?
In this world of Greed.
These nightmares need to halt their attack.
Before no sleep comes forever..
I can't take this pain anymore.
This heart may surrender..
The one I love may be lost,
By many ways..
I refuse to lose him today.
Feb 18, 2016
Feb 18, 2016 at 8:17 PM UTC