#psychologist
“Do you ever have thoughts of self harm?”
‘…’
‘No.’
[You feel your sins crawling down your back]
[Such a good liar, they murmur into your hair]
‘…I mean not really.’
[You grip your leg where the blade already left]
[Stay silent, they hum, you shameful child]
“Have you ever done it before?”
‘I… have a habit of hand biting when I’m distressed.’
[Yes, they praise, you just need to distract]
[Direct the conversation to safer grounds]
“Have you had any thoughts of committing suicide?”
‘No.’
[Just the wish to disappear to nothing]
[Just the wish to be forgotten]
“Have you made any plans?”
Mar 6
Mar 6, 2026 at 5:29 AM UTC
how do you feel
the silence weighs heavy between us
gone the friendly how ya doin’
for which I had the stock
I’m fine how are you
now we’ve brought real emotion
now we’ve opened a door
I really haven’t a clue
I’m a little sad
because winter makes me feel that way
among the trees shedding leaves
something dies in me
there is the loneliness of Christmas
from when parents wanted the cuckoo
to leave the nest
I’m happy when the sun shines
casting smiles among the shadows
I’m afraid I’ll live this day
with the disappointment of any other
little achieved in too short a time
how am I
I feel like
a hurricane in a tunnel
a fall on a spiral stairway
a dark stain on a white carpet
an accident in a car park
a raindrop on the windshield
of a moving car, an unseen shooting star
a baby feeling hunger for the first time
I feel like I’m going to burst into tears
for no apparent reason
I feel the money for this hour was wasted
I’m leaving going nowhere
Dec 6, 2022
Dec 6, 2022 at 3:26 PM UTC
I am the pretender
You must precensor
When I'm an inventor
Who can't get centered
I'm the apologist
You're the psychologist
We have a suitable deal
You provide an even keel
And cook delicious meals
And let my fingers feel
But you do so much more
Going deeper than the shore
You make a difference
By insistence
I see your footprints
In the distance
They lead me to progress
My mind cannot process
Those things I can't fathom
You effortlessly grab them
You were my bastion of behavior
I thought you were my savior
You're more like Charles Xavier
Controlling my mind
To keep me blind
By taking my vision
When you make your incision
And put me in prison
You're Sigmund Freud
On steroids
You fill my void
Then get annoyed
You cured me of my madness
Yet instilled sadness
When I got addicted to your healing
But then heard your tires peeling
After all your analysis
You deemed me talentless
You used to be my example of what to be
Now you're my example of what to flee
You made me hate the number three
While running my car into a tree
Which made me scream ouch
My ejection from your couch
So I hide in my palace
And drink from a chalice
Filled with mindless malice
While holding my phallus
But I learned my lesson
One last confession
Someone that can calm my brain
Can also leave a permanent stain
Jan 29, 2018
Jan 29, 2018 at 2:25 PM UTC
Sadness isn’t a sickness but I think I’m coming down.
Doctor, doctor I no longer want to be around.
All that I seem to do is constantly breakdown.
Doctor, doctor I think it’s time for me to go.
Cancel my next appointment, I won’t be here tomorrow.
Doctor, doctor you say that sadness is in fact a sickness,
yet you aren’t advising me on how to fix this.
Jul 19, 2018
Jul 19, 2018 at 1:13 PM UTC
I imagine a therapist office
as they are lavished in on tv shows
and they're not really like that;
instead of a cozy dimly lit office
it's a white wall maze.
As my doctors
are not private ones
and they surely disclose
all about me
to the insurance company.
I can't help, but twiddle my thumbs
and wonder about the
cries for help
that linger on these paisley painted
dry walls--
snickered with inpersonal
portraits of strangers;
that probably wish
they hung in one of those
elegant, brash, and luxurious offices on tv.
Or maybe instead
the paintings longingly wish
to be dead as well--
instead of being
in this subservient storehouse
that is standing in for an therapist office.
Getting up from another stand-in
this rash beast of dull coloured dust;
calling it a chair would insinuate people
are supposed to sit there,
but I assume
it's true purpose is for the ill-ful
to find something uglier than life itself.
Leaving through another betrayal
that existence couldn't be more lame
is a doorway with the most faux of all possible doors;
it's screaming "nobody ever cut down a tree to make this".
Slipping past another door (eye role)
I come to be in the same room,
but this space is two faultering steps to the left.
And instead of dust everywhere
it's a mobbish moss melancholy
that distastefully lingers
in my personal office's air.
Apr 22, 2018
Apr 22, 2018 at 10:45 AM UTC
He is safe. He is happiness. He is everything.
He takes away the anxiety. He takes away the hurt. He takes away the pain.
He makes you love yourself. He makes you feel like you aren’t alone.
He keeps away the nightmares.
He holds you. He tells you all the things you need to hear. He pushes you to be a better person.
*Without him you are afraid. Without him you are unbearably sad. Without him you are nothing.
Without him you are anxious and bed ridden. Without him you are ridden with depression. Without him you are in constant psychological pain.
Without him you hate yourself. Without him you are alone and always will be.
Without him you have nightmares and sleep paralysis that never seem to end.
Without him you are cold. Without him you are no longer pretty- you are no longer anyone’s favourite person; you are no longer loved. Without him you’re an awful person and no one wants to be around you.*
He is security. He is life. He is air.
He makes you do things you never thought you could.
You aren’t afraid to be with him. He makes the voices go away. He makes the paranoid feelings less intense.
You can touch him without feeling like you’re having a heart attack. You can kiss him without feeling like you’re going to faint. You can lay with him and not feel like something bad is going to happen.
*Without him you are lost. Without him you want to die- there’s nothing keeping you here but him. Without him you can’t breathe; you feel like you’re drowning- suffocating, always.
You’ve always been afraid of anyone with romantic feelings towards you. You’re always afraid of people touching you or kissing you or anything that relates to intimacy- but you’ve never felt that with him. There have never been heart palpitations. There have never been anxiety ridden shakes and hot flashes. You’ve never felt faint around him. You crave his kisses- you want him to hold you.
Without him you’re afraid of everyone and everything. You never leave the house. You never go see friends. You’re too scared to live your life- you’re too afraid to die. You barely exist.*
***But worst of all- without him, you’re left alone to have to deal with me.
Without him, us voices come back to taunt you and we’ll never go away.***
Oct 19, 2016
Oct 19, 2016 at 10:54 AM UTC
It's hard to tell your friends when you're feeling pretty bad
And elaborate on the situations that have made you sad
It's even harder to tell my Father just yesterday I felt like dying
Yet flawlessly and effortlessly I can tell my Psychologist without trying
It's ****** isn't it? That I trust a stranger more than the family
I grew up with, lived with, the worst parts of a better me
Some days I look around and ask myself if I am proud of
What I have achieved and whether or not it is enough
Satisfaction from the parts where I know I've done well
Disappointment at the aspects that will **** me straight to Hell
So I question life, I wield a knife, makes me so depressed I self-harm
So now you know why I bear the scars, up and down my arm
Aug 16, 2016
Aug 16, 2016 at 8:52 PM UTC
It went like this:
Wouldn't talk, not even about my problems
There were so many options to help me solve them
But I missed them all, blinded by hurt
A hurt I didn't welcome, a hurt I didn't deserve
Bullied by kids with bigger problems than mine
So I came up with my own helpful design
I'd cause my own pain, over and over again
Because, after all, no pain no gain
But all I gained was a real bad habit
A real bad habit that stopped me feeling like ****
So I thought it was good, I mean cuts heal
But they heal into scars, not part of the deal
I just wanted something I could handle
But now, unfortunately, they became visible
Questions, questions, from family and friends
I though, Oh God, does it never end?
And guess what?
I still said nothing
Now look at me
Three hundred turns of the cycle later
Now I'mma see a psych and be a fixed ******
May 15, 2016
May 15, 2016 at 6:01 AM UTC
A grey and rainy day
A day to wash away the pain
Clean the slate before fate decides
The pain is here to stay
A person to specialise in fixing my problems
When I myself have trouble trying to solve them
A psychologist for someone as messed up as me
Can they really fix it?
Well I guess we'll see
I got so much anger
Yeah it's balled up deep within
Massages don't do **** for me
It's deeper than the muscles under my skin
It's all up in my mind
And a part of my anatomy
Can you really fix my anger
When it's coded in my chemistry?
I'm not too sure
But I really hope it works
Because if it doesn't I'll probably collapse
Either that or go bezerk
Down the other alley
Is a depression so deep
You can almost taste the water when
You're drowning in your sleep
But asleep or dead
I know it's all up in my head
Every problem can be solved with time
Rather than force the end
The problem with me is
Whilst I can write
Talking to others about my problems
Is probably my hardest fight
So hopefully I work well
With my new psychologist
And hopefully she doesn't become
An anger antagonist
May 10, 2016
May 10, 2016 at 11:28 PM UTC
"Go see someone to deal with your problems" the doctor says
Oh, I didn't realize seeing someone could provide stitches to my wounds
That my bleeding heart will heal at the sound of their wisdom
That my inner demons will be reassured by thier pen to paper
Thank goodness all I have to do is wake up and 'deal with it'
Mar 4, 2016
Mar 4, 2016 at 12:08 AM UTC
A needed car ride
Don't fear
You are the driver
Taking her on your road
Through the winding bends of your head
As she sits next to you in the passenger seat
Following your navigation
Keeping you from driving off the cliffs
© Jl 2016
Feb 22, 2016
Feb 22, 2016 at 10:30 PM UTC
"And how does that make you feel" she asks, pen poised over clipboard.
I want to scream at her, tell her that mere words could never hold the weight of what I feel
But instead I stare fiercely into her eyes and say...
"how does it make you feel, to know you can't save me?"
Jan 28, 2016
Jan 28, 2016 at 11:19 PM UTC
jesse and i used to play games of fairies as children. i still have the drawing book which we gathered "facts" from. her crazy neighbor (with basically ten siblings.Mormons) played the games with us, but she too lived them. we put out "food" for them, ran from evil spirits, used powers to fuel the plot, ran through the trees and down hills, and used leaves, sticks, the weather, and even sounds in the wind to move the story. we grew to dismiss it as child's play (though i can't speak for the girl), but it was real. it was as real as anything, and affected us more than all else. our childhood was a fairy-tale it just didn't get a "happily ever after" in cursive at the bottom of the page. it was magic all the same.
Apr 4, 2015
Apr 4, 2015 at 2:49 AM UTC
You make it seem as if you dont really want to see me
Even though it is your job to do this
What in the hell do you want me to do if Im a psychotic depressed teen
Im oh so sorry for needing you to do your job
Ughh
May 9, 2014
May 9, 2014 at 8:07 PM UTC
Im a bit angry
you re-scheduled our session
but they need your help
more than i do right? so
its fine. ive been coping
with this for a long time
so waiting a few more
days to see you won't
**** me right? im still
a bit angry though
cause i was in the talking
mood-now i have no one to
talk to. ive been building
up my confidence and strength
all week to tell you every
thing that comes to mind, I
wasnt going to hold back on
anything...
but they need your help more
than I do right? So its fine
i'll just sit on the side line
till its my turn to play..
Apr 26, 2014
Apr 26, 2014 at 4:34 PM UTC