#programmer
She never really thought of herself as a programmer
but found herself programming a boy on how to love her.
If she wanted him to smile, she would program him to smile.
If she wanted him to support her posts, she would program him to do so. If she wanted him to hug her, she would program him to do so. If she wanted him to ask her more questions, she would program him to do so. So on and so forth.
execute smile.exe execute support.exe execute hug.exe
execute questions.exe execute script.exe execute mirroring.exe execute routine.exe
It felt like she could program him to do just about anything.
This initially felt exhilarating. It gave her a spark of something within the unbearable numbness & lack of control she felt before she even got to meet this boy.
The only thing she couldn't program into him though was,
emotional instinct.
So even if she technically got him to do almost anything she ever wanted, all executed, & performed so perfectly on paper,
it all left her feeling empty because she couldn't get the very main things she wanted & needed the most.
To feel the warmth of being loved & chosen in a way that was no longer dependent on endless maintenance.
To feel chosen without having to script the moment first.
To feel emotionally held without having to manually guide the hands.
She realized that she could not get exactly that if every action executed was solely orchestrated by her every request & command.
She had thought & hoped to herself: "Maybe if I guide just enough… Maybe if I explain just enough… Maybe if enough correct behaviors accumulate… Eventually the warmth will become & feel instinctive on it's own.”
But that day never comes...
She slowly comes to the realization that emotionally engineered affection cannot replace instinctive emotional aliveness, no matter how perfectly all the desired behaviors are performed.
Despite her emotional emptiness, she found comfort in it as she thought it felt more safer, stable & predictable this way rather than having her requests denied, at least she still gets most of 99% of what she wanted done even if it was missing that 1%.
She slowly built an entire emotional survival system around predictability and behavioral control, only to realize it could never fully generate the thing she was truly starving for.
To be naturally desired without endlessly prompting, instructing & directing it into existence...
To finally see the boy's face light up whenever he saw her...
^That day never came either...
__________________________________________________________________
“She discovered too late that love can flawlessly perform without ever truly coming alive.
"She could not program natural desire into the boy.
Every request he fulfilled whether it was a smile or enthusiasm all felt forced & unnatural. Every action he made felt like it came from a place of fear, perfectionism, people pleasing & performance anxiety rather than a place of genuine desire to."
"Which goes to show that even communication & asking for what you want & need isn't always enough."
"They may adjust for you the way you want them to, but now you're left wondering, did they actually want to do this? Or is this being done out of obligation & compliance with no life nor spirit behind it?"
"There's this lingering wonder of dishonesty in their actions because your intuition keeps screaming that their spirit doesn't match what they are doing."
"When you ask them if they actually want to do what you asked of them, you fear that you will never fully get the truth out of them because they may just be saying what you want to hear to soothe their own people pleasing tendencies and fear of failure rather than it ever coming from a genuine natural urge and pull to do so."
"I want you to want to.
Not because I asked you to."
May 14
May 14, 2026 at 2:43 PM UTC
What is wrong with using "not"?
It is a negative to an eloquent adjective, verb or noun.
Simply the opposite state of being; which one should NOT frown
For programmers, "not" is a logical complement,
which helps us filter-out things we do NOT want.
And is used sparsely and NOT to flaunt
By simply twisting our thought at 180-degrees,
it's used to portray an abrupt reversal image in our mind.
A quick look at a mirror, and NOT you will find.
Affix a k-, yet "knot" still sounds the same
but it will help keep our things secure.
From our pretzels, shoes and the ribbon-wrapped gifts we procure.
Add an s-, and the children will be amused;
defiance is in its nature, is it NOT?
That is, to disgust their friends with each others snot.
So, to be or NOT to be.
Dec 2, 2016
Dec 2, 2016 at 4:18 AM UTC
gender = input("male or female: ?")
def binary:
if gender == "male" or "female":
print("born with hex codes
printed for all to see
blue or red
sticking to the binary
hardwares dictate who you are
produce more to strengthen security
ignore black hat delusions
DON'T reject this false unity
01110011 01101111 01110011")
if gender != "male" or "female":
print("404 ERROR NOT FOUND")
Sep 16, 2016
Sep 16, 2016 at 8:48 AM UTC
I love a programmer
He is always there making codes
On different ways in order
To show how much he loves you so
There are times when he would
Just throw some complex hints at me
With utmost best I could
Try to find the meaning and see
See that maybe I'm right
With the theory that I have made
And maybe, just maybe
My words rhyme with what's in your head
But sometimes I want to
Just let go and then erase it
Sometimes I want you to
Be brave enough to just admit
That I'm something to you
Not a computer you play with
That your feelings are true
There's no condition that you need
I am afraid to feel
The tragic end of a sonnet
Where two lovers for real
Are mere strangers who'll never ever meet
Jul 7, 2016
Jul 7, 2016 at 6:17 AM UTC
If not writing codes,
I am writing poems.
If not writing the language of computer,
I am writing the language of literature.
If not writing the language of the mind,
I am writing the language of the heart.
Apr 10, 2015
Apr 10, 2015 at 2:36 AM UTC
Spy on this
not because I'm a deviant "ist"
of some dangerous ideology
No, I cannot hold on to anything so strong
What a scary time for those alive
whose key logs match that terribleness
just a little bit
"Oh, but she was so non-violent"
No, it's media martyr silence
Freedom of speech?
See how careful I am - just typing?
But for most the danger is in all our numbers
Algorithms for shopping patterns
voting and religion too
We give our attachments to them freely
so I say "hello there," maybe lone computer
or programmer
soulless, or believing Brother's benevolence
-Not here for the poetry
Jul 7, 2014
Jul 7, 2014 at 12:48 AM UTC