#peanut
the total volume
of my mind is a peanut
of huge proportion
Dec 14, 2021
Dec 14, 2021 at 5:28 PM UTC
Sometimes I lie
When people ask me those questions
Like “who inspires you the most”
Or “what is the most influential thing to have happened in your life”
Sometimes I talk about
Women in science
Or growing up adopted
Or being a struggling reader when I was in third grade
I never talk about my mom
I never talk about feeling like I had missing pieces
Not just in my heart but in my mind
Like someone pulled out the naughty things
The bad things
Leaving me with only leftovers.
When people ask me for my best story
Sometimes I talk about how
I faked a peanut allergy
And how a boy stabbed me with an epipen when I ate a peanut butter malt in front of him
Thinking he was saving my life.
I usually avoid the part
About me wishing that those drugs were lethal
That an epipen could end it all.
I find small talk to be so hard
Because there aren’t enough good bits inside me
To make it through a conversation.
If you see me
Can you just do that thing
Where we make eye contact and nod slightly
Smiling sometimes and not stopping.
I don’t have anything
Truthful left to say.
Apr 13, 2019
Apr 13, 2019 at 9:39 PM UTC
I want to be a peanut
My life would be much simpler, and
My feelings would be much smaller, but
I would be a peanut
Mar 3, 2019
Mar 3, 2019 at 3:32 PM UTC
Chocolate Addict
Caramel, Reese's Pieces
Outrageous You Are
Jun 19, 2018
Jun 19, 2018 at 10:56 AM UTC
My throat closes
when I think of you now
I loved you once—
I wanted you every day—
and part of me loves you still
but it would **** me
to have you
isn't it funny
how something that was once good for us
can become the death of us
a design by God—
or science—
who knows
we wake up one day
and our bodies have evolved
to reject even one taste
so violently
that it would be a delicate tango
between life and death—
Russian roulette—
to ever have you
again
Jan 3, 2018
Jan 3, 2018 at 3:44 PM UTC
lights in our northern souls
we chew peanut butter sandwiches
and contemplate our existences
the future is sticky
and the past is honey-brown
that glues our teeth together
we swallow our words
and drown in the light
Apr 10, 2017
Apr 10, 2017 at 11:58 AM UTC
Nervous that way I take peanut butter from the jar
where blinking and licking overlap
messily and focus is the last thing on
my mind.
There, just there scooped
is where the thought
returns.
No high flying; no explanation
just back, and the jar gets
put on the shelf of the
cupboard
of wood, the oldest part of the house,
and I cannot recall to write it the smell of
peanuts jarred and ant poison and southern
yellow
pine.
Feb 11, 2017
Feb 11, 2017 at 12:39 PM UTC
You are...
Yellow flowers in the spring and beautiful butterflies;
Sweet enchanting whispers and lullabies.
You are...
The volcano ready to burst and the violent storm coming;
Harsh feelings, stuck tears and angry words.
You are...
Inspiring, even though giving up has been an option some days;
Courageous, cause you love without restrictions;
Strong, you've fell and got up many times, bruised up, with broken parts;
Beautiful, while smiling you light up death stars and complete my heart;
Adorable, when you're telling a story and you can't stop laughing;
Kind, you're kind, very kind, and sometimes too much.
You are human, peanut.
You're unperfect.
You're you, and YOU is enough.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I believe in you, and so should you.
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 9:05 PM UTC
Coming into the kitchen,
slightly beyond hungry,
tremendous, happy
excitement fills me.
There is still something
left in the house to eat.
Pasta.
Opening the fridge, the little
green army of boxes
smiles back at me.
"We're still here! And so are
the sea salt, and the olive oil,
and the peanut butter!"
Never had peanut butter pasta?
You're missing something!
Aug 25, 2015
Aug 25, 2015 at 6:47 PM UTC
Oh come hither to me
My sweetest honey roasted peanut lips
Your almonds I will nibble
You won't be able now to sleep
Let me crack your perfect pecans
I will walnut you away
I will **** away your cashews
Lick all the salt away
I will ****** all your Brazil nuts
They are most precious I must say .
Yes I have gone completely nutty
What more could I say .
Jun 20, 2015
Jun 20, 2015 at 3:58 PM UTC
There is a snack size container of peanut butter sitting in the pantry
And I'm sitting across the room but I can feel it's weight as acutely as my own
I checked the package three times, hoping the numbers would change when i returned
282
282
282 calories
I'm having a panic attack over a snack because the one thing I crave more than anything else in the world is the sticky, nutty taste of JIF brand peanut butter of which I am undeserving
My grandmother loved peanut butter
So much that they had to hide it from her if they wanted any hope of a satisfactory sandwich
My mom hid food too
Stole it like kiss after kiss
Sneaking cookies from the houses where she babysat
Getting crumbs on her swelling chest in the dark embrace of her teenage bedroom
A buffet for one
And now I'm in my grandmothers house
Hoping that there's peanut butter in heaven
Because here there's just photographs and the lingering scent of her Chanel number 5 perfume
Like mother, like daughter, like granddaughter they say
You can trace my family line as easily as the stretch marks that litter our bodies
But I am breaking the cycle by falling into my own
I have learned that hunger pangs are better than the climbing figures on the scale
So I lift a glass of water to my lips
And I leave the peanut butter in the pantry so no one will ever have to hide food from me
Jan 24, 2015
Jan 24, 2015 at 11:29 AM UTC
jars of peanut butter not yet opened
and being the first to scrap the silken surface
with the knife
your favorite movie airing on television
and watching it again all thrilled because
some tv execs wanted to share it with the world
taking a t-shirt out of the dryer
and for a brief wonderful moment
it warms your cold morning skin
being alive
Nov 25, 2014
Nov 25, 2014 at 3:08 PM UTC
The baby goat's mother was shot.
And I was forced to listen to it cry.
Forever forlorn and distraught
And i stood there- hands covering ears
Traveling back in time
----------------------------------------------------
Your mothers heart stopped
And I was forced to listen to you cry.
Lost in a huge world, more alone
And i stood there- hands covering ears
I heard you through the vents
"My mom is dead! My mom is dead"
Falling to the floor I wished I still dreamt
But she had called me before her bed
I heard her voice message months later
You still cried yourself to sleep at night
Sleeping with earplugs....I wish I didn't bake
Because I thought I killed her that night
Peanut butter cookies:
She taught me the recipe.
And two days before she vanished,
I brought her a dozen.
Autopsy reports showed an hour before death;
She took two bites of my cookies-
Went upstairs and her heart stopped.
Coincidentally exactly four years later,
I finally made peanut butter cookies again
And the smell of sweet peanut butter roasting
Stopped my heart
Nov 15, 2014
Nov 15, 2014 at 2:19 AM UTC
Little soul - are you satisfied?
She's crying over him,
He's leaving because of her,
You're trying to keep him here,
And he's struggling to breathe and nobody likes to face the truth
And I should have answered the call
and I should have
Little soul little soul you're going too far
He isn't yours to sweep into the pond
Your eyes cannot see into the correct situation's panacea
evening glow, oh! so pure and whole
aeration of the dust-packed pores inside
Little soul, Little soul - no.
Don't go there
Don't wander into -
LITTLE SOUL!
I saw you open the package before the allotted date
styropeanuts, strewn cross't wooden paneled flooring
white infinity symbols, floating in rusty red blood
I told you the truth would set you free
And I warned you what it would do
Little soul.
Little soul.
Aug 1, 2014
Aug 1, 2014 at 1:10 AM UTC
You are my peanut butter,
I want you everyday,
Breakfast, lunch,
Snacks and dinner,
You go perfectly with my jelly.
Jul 17, 2014
Jul 17, 2014 at 4:21 PM UTC
why do they salt the outside
we eat the organs
and leave the shredded exo-
skelatals
underfoot and on the desk
Jul 8, 2014
Jul 8, 2014 at 11:03 PM UTC
I want to lay in my bed
Next to you
At seven in the morning.
"Crepes?"
"Crepes." You say.
I get up
and start the crepe maker
I put out the Nutella
And cut bananas
And pull out the jar of lingonberries that
I love
Even though nobody knows
What lingonberries are.
You ask for peanut butter
And we both know I'm allergic.
But I have a jar
Because I know that
You love it.
Mar 31, 2014
Mar 31, 2014 at 3:53 PM UTC