#painkillers
it is sad to realize
that my life is so dependent
on painkillers.
it seems as though every lecture
i sit through
the thought of alleviating my pain
crosses my mind.
doesn't matter if it's the common cold
or a stab wound
ill still seek to make myself feel better.
Mar 4, 2019
Mar 4, 2019 at 2:34 AM UTC
Ever since that evening,
I've come to realize that nothing I do will matter.
That evening, when you coaxed me into leaving everyone.
You told me that a better opportunity would never come, and I believed you.
So, that evening,
I followed your plans, I gave into your whispers.
You dropped capsules into a paper bathroom cup.
My hands were shaking.
You gave me the poisonous cup, turned the handle on the sink.
I filled it with cold water.
And there was the moment,
where I doubted the necessity of it.
Your hand grabbed my cheeks, sharp nails digging into my skin.
Screaming, shouting in my face.
"Stupid kid, worthless child! Do as you're told!"
I broke away from your grip,
downing the bitter liquid.
Only stopping to refill the cup,
chugging down the rest of the dissolved pills.
You walked me back to my room,
tucked me into bed.
Bade me farewell.
Told me there'd be consequences if I woke.
For an hour, I couldn't stop shivering.
My vision was blurry and splotchy.
My lungs burned with every breath until I finally fell asleep.
But, your plan had failed.
The next morning, I woke.
I spent the day laying around, barely eating.
Trying to get over sickening nausea and stomach pains.
Somehow, my body had gotten rid of the toxins
You're still here, I can't rid myself of you.
Ever since that evening,
I can't drink out of a paper cup without gagging.
Ever since that evening,
I've come to realize that nothing I do matters.
Feb 9, 2019
Feb 9, 2019 at 10:08 PM UTC
A loner that kills pain,
physical pain and for some
a drug for joy, for calmness.
Magical, as a single strike eliminates all the pain.
The loner once struck me into a deep sleep,
where I was floating, like a dream
calmness or a silent blissfulness
I don’t know what this loner made me feel
I just know that it was beautiful.
Silence, silence all over
and then a sudden interruption,
my friend’s panic stricken voice
calling me, waking me up.
Looking up I found her scared eyes,
scared, as in whether I was dead.
A fear outspread that day,
people who loved me feared the loner,
there was solidarity in their fear,
fear of losing me.
The loner was banished, once and for all.
Days passed, years passed,
pain was calmed using wrapped pills.
It never gave the calmness,
the blissfulness like the loner.
He is gone for so long now.
Today, as my body starts to quiver with pain,
I heard his voice,
a soothing voice, asking me
asking me to open the cellar
“Take me and I’ll put you out of your misery”
As I opened, I saw the loner
beautiful in blue.
I took him and all of a sudden
I found contentment in this strike after so long.
Calmness flooded in me once again,
I found happiness in this silent blissfulness.
Silence, silence all over.
But this time my sleep didn’t get interrupted,
for this time it was now and forever.
Dolo, the loner,
now I’m yours….forever.
Oct 10, 2018
Oct 10, 2018 at 2:08 AM UTC
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Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 3:42 PM UTC
People hurt
Perfection is impossible
Efforts are put into both
No such thing as a perfect life
You can wish to be better, perhaps you can
But nobody can be the best
I tried to be the best
I wanted to be the best friend a guy can be
I have failed in this conquest
I placed efforts into Hippocrates Oath:
"First, Do No Harm"
Yet without meaning to I harmed anyway
Not just myself
No, this isn't me, me, me
As it always (usually) is
This is for my mates
And my friends
Difference being the genders involved
Mates are male,
Friends; female
Notice both start with the same letter?
That's me,
Organising things into some such logical order
To prevent falling into complete and utter chaos
It's a fixation of mine,
It just so happens it's also the way my mind works
Which even I, at times, fail to understand
My own mind; a concept, an idea,
One that at times fails itself
One that find self-harm acceptable, even understandable
I am such a hypocrite,
Instead of Hippocrates it's Hypocrites Oath:
"First, believe you won't do harm, believe it's bad,
And then do it anyway".
Some of this makes sense to you, Reader, I assume
Assuming that, of course, you can assume to know
What I assume you assume I'm talking about
Still following?
Okay, then I'm just rambling
Talking for no reason other than that I hate silence
I hate silence almost as much as I hate myself, at times
Silence is empty, like what I feel frequently
A genuine smile is a smile I wish to wear
(Not just to the Formal night I will be attending next year)
But how does one smile
When one has seen the truth of this world?
Cold, calculating and cruel, vicious and relentless
There is more wars then there are words to stop them
Only one world to hold these wars,
That at times words help to start
Not just talking about actual wars, either
Arguments that become full-blown hatred
Pain dosage as high as the painkillers to prevent them,
If not, higher...
I don't know what to think of myself,
Or this world that I live in
I've contemplated suicide on multiple accounts
Too "pussy"to follow through...
But I have never done it, left, that is
I tried many, many, many times
But something... pulls me back
It's friendship. Family. Honour and Loyalty
I cannot leave those precious few I have
Until they themselves are gone
As long as everyone keeps living,
I guess I have to as well
Thank you for reading
If you made it this far...
Aug 15, 2016
Aug 15, 2016 at 8:33 PM UTC
"Truth hurts, so we all take painkillers called Lies."
Jun 15, 2016
Jun 15, 2016 at 7:47 AM UTC
How can we tell if anyone is at home?
I wish you had come in a box, I'd open you now
A tin can would be too small unless we were playing dares.
I don't accept these terms. We could have been arrested together
And then we'd have another piece of paper with our names on it to enjoy.
The letters I've been sending you are shorter.
I prefer when our names are closer to each other.
That copper lithograph you made and the limited edition prints,
Those are still so ******* rad.
You left that white leather bag with the gold hardware at our apartment,
Iridescent purple crochet needles, what appears to be the beginning of
An autobiography you must be putting together. I'd be lying if I said I washed and folded your clothes. I only folded them.
How long will someone's natural perfume stay on clothes?
I don't delete some period's.
Sometime's the worst punctuation is the kind that stays forever.
I miss you more than the addiction to painkillers I kept up until
Two months ago. I've been making the necessary upgrades.
They don't have a word for how much you mean to me.
A monogamous flightless bird that serves at the pleasure of its mate
Was the closest I came to showing you not only that I'd carry you
So you didn't have to walk over the scalding lava, but that
These limbs are fitted for your form. My legs will never grow weak.
Beautiful extraordinary things adults do with their mouths
For hours and hours and hours if they like.
After lips move and speaking does not require voices, whispers, or tells.
Waking up with my arms wrapped around your leg, My head laid
In the valley of your belly button.
Everything great of me was incubated with your body in our time.
It seems we shucked everything good from your tiny body
Until you lied yourself into believing you weren't worthy of such
Immense happiness and pleasure. You have not put me away.
Your lies were lies, if only to reinforce cognitive distortions.
Being brilliant and beautiful is the curse we agreed.
This venom is three years young and flying first class, one way, with four Checked bags, rocking forward to urge time forward.
What will bring the smiling back?
The temple mounds and eyelids sewn into the lines where lips
Greeted the fantastic strands of gleaming threads in your birth crown.
I have pictures of our pictures.
I have shoes for my shoes, and their tongues are hanging out.
We introduced each other to cool. I introduced you to your body
And for three years we ****** six times a day at least.
I wear your California necklace and studded leather cuff always.
Still nothing and no one could ever come between.
Heavy flow, blood letting, and mainstream apostrophes, and
Still we are bending time and making up gravity as we go along.
We became the Villains we hoped we'd become,
But the monster that is ripe on my skin is glowing.
This is the fight I'm not going to let up on, I will not sit down until your Cappuccino with agave and steamed milk is ready for you in bed.
You wait on me like a polaroid whose shadow looks to be a ghost
But ends in contrast and a lack of exposure.
I drank the poison too and left enough for you to use.
Oct 13, 2015
Oct 13, 2015 at 8:39 AM UTC
Painkillers intended to numb the pain
But they numb the heart from beating.
Administered to the ill and injured
Resulting in worse illness or injury.
An injury to the heart beat
To the collapsing lungs,
The vital components of life.
Without the medications,
The symptoms return
Full-fledged.
But with them, the ability
To function normally
Is absent.
The question at hand is
Whether it is better to suffer
From pain or numbness.
Sep 17, 2015
Sep 17, 2015 at 10:33 AM UTC
These pain killers
Are just not doing the trick
My head is still hurting
And I still feel sick
Please numb the pain
So I don't feel anymore
Just numb the pain
I don't want to feel any more!!!!
Jul 16, 2015
Jul 16, 2015 at 8:50 PM UTC
I've hurt and hurt many times
it hasn't stopped me
Yet?
but is has slowed me down
but I get up
get out of bed
face my world
bring myself to healing
until I fail
some hours later
I try healing again
this time I get it right
I take some painkillers
Soak in warm water
Get out!
dry myself
and go back to bed to heal some more
I then hope for the best the next day
Jan 27, 2015
Jan 27, 2015 at 12:18 PM UTC
Every time I sleep I dream...NO...
Every time I sleep I have a nightmare...
I thought they were gone but I guess I should have known...
Nightmares don't ever leave
My brothers pushed me down the stairs, breaking my nose
And for some reason that triggered them...
Probably because when I saw the blood and finally felt the pain
I remembered the days of being 4 and bleeding from my step dad.
I can't help it that now these pain killers MAKE me sleep,
But if I can't wake up until after the nightmare is over...
I would rather NEVER wake up again.
The pain killers are suppose to help with pain right?
If so why are they causing me pain instead of soothing it?
I guess it's hello darkness my old friend, I'm coming to you again...
Just maybe This time he will keep me in the darkness and I won't mind.
I'm tired of the nightmares...I thought they stopped but then again
Nightmares NEVER go away.
Dec 21, 2014
Dec 21, 2014 at 6:18 PM UTC
Mood stabilizers, they call them, but in some ways, they're more like painkillers for your heart. They numb the feelings so that you don't have the extreme moods you are accustomed to.
When you have a mood disorder, everything you feel is so much more intense, and so much more certainly snowballs out of control. That's most of the problem; the complete lack of control you have over your chaotic emotions.
But then you go to a doctor, and they give you happy little pills called stabilizers to do just as they're told to. Stabilize you. Normalize you.
Funny thing is, even with the little heart painkillers, you'll never be normal. Even if you keep up a fantastically ordinary facade, you will never be ordinary. You will always have those little pills in your pocket telling you that you are not good enough the way you are, that you must change.
Its a double-edged sword, these pills. Because some days you wonder why you can't just be you, why do you need these drugs in your veins, but then you remember the cuts on your arms and the painful nights where you drowned in your own tears and you remember why even you don't think the person you are is acceptable. Get better, Grace, be better, Grace. The words pound in your ears until you forget who you used to be and you are always striving to be something more, something better. You strive until it kills you.
You are stronger, you can beat it, they say.
What if I don't want to beat it, though, just want to have control of it? I never want to feel less than everything, I never want to feel so dull and numb that it kills me more than the pain ever did, I never want to beat myself, I simply want to be me but controllable.
Because right now I'm uncontrollable and that's terrifying.
Painkillers for your heart, numbing you until you can't feel anymore. But sometimes I wonder if I really want to feel numb.
Do I want to be me, or who everyone wants me to be?
One is safer than the other, but which one is really living?
Because all I want is to feel alive, but I don't know whether surviving will entail that.
Painkillers or killer pain.
That is my decision, one I'm not ready to make. Maybe tomorrow, when mania is not so close to my throat.
Maybe tomorrow, because I am far too afraid of today.
Dec 13, 2014
Dec 13, 2014 at 1:39 PM UTC
I wait
Every endless day
for the time to come
In which I can take
A lovely handful
To take the pain away
To a dull nagging
Instead of
That searing scream
I know so well.
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 3:12 AM UTC
I wish I could drink my pain away(alcohol)
I wish I could inhale the happiness by smoking this plant (marijuana)
I wish I had a bottle of pills to **** all my pain(painkillers)
I wish I could let you rock my world till it's insane(Amazing *** ~)
I wish I knew who to blame
I keep wishing for the same thing
I thought if I wished and hoped hard enough the pain could just go away(I tried I tried to make it go away)
But honestly everyone should be wishing for a reason for me to stay
Jul 10, 2014
Jul 10, 2014 at 6:57 AM UTC