#ongoing
Emotions are deceiving
Leaving
Pain to continue taking
Feeding
It's not something I'm giving
Eliminating
Without the thought of asking
Steeling
Ultimately left unknowing
The plot's ongoing
But the abuse is showing
As I'm imploding
Slow enough to recognize
That maybe the whole thing
Is by definition
A mission being...
...pointless
©2025
May 10, 2025
May 10, 2025 at 5:06 PM UTC
I can't learn to let you go,
You toy with my bruised used youth,
And I need to need you,
Even whilst the
black and blue spreads.
Sep 18, 2023
Sep 18, 2023 at 4:19 AM UTC
The drops are so much deeper,
and the highs aren't high at all.
Ongoing expectant measures listed,
of these persistent calls to pressure.
To fill a frame that's drained,
when switching off is no longer an option.
Are these real problems or signs of age?
Before was easier, yesterday simpler,
but would the early days help to mould,
when you've already grown from there.
Late observations of missed play,
a rug pull calls out the fool to vacate.
As we're a little bitter in vain,
there's no sweetness today.
May 5, 2021
May 5, 2021 at 12:06 PM UTC
You call me childish
You call me selfish
You call me all these things
Just because I relapse and hurt myself
Don’t you see that I am sick
Don’t you get that I need help
Not criticism from my love
I need understanding
These thoughts that keep racing
Thoughts that everyone
Would be better off
If I was no longer around
Thoughts of self hate
Thoughts of suicide
Thoughts that bring so much pain
That it’s hard to breathe
I need help
So badly
Before I end up
Doing something permanent
That is something
I don’t wish to do
I want so badly
To feel better
But every time you leave
Every time you berate me
I feel so much worse
Than I already did
It makes me feel
Like you hate me
That you despise my existence
That I should no longer exist
And that brings me even more pain
So much suffering it is unbearable
I cry myself to sleep every night
Hoping things will change for the better
But they always seem to get worse
They say it gets better with time
But I’ve been fighting this sickness
For so many years now
The only solace I had
Was in the love that you showed me
But now that that is gone
I have nothing left
The thoughts have been
Getting louder and louder
Threatening to snap my mind
Making it harder to see the good
I ask you this one thing
Do you actually hate me
Or do you just not understand
That I’m fighting with my own mind
Fighting these negative thoughts
Fighting to breathe
Fighting to love
Fighting for just one more day
One more day of being alive
One more day of feigning happiness
Hoping it turns into true happiness
I am fighting everyday
It is an ongoing battle
One that is a struggle
Cause this is one battle
That lasts a lifetime
Feb 16, 2020
Feb 16, 2020 at 3:47 PM UTC
You lead me on,
Just to let go of the rope.
I push you away,
Just to give into the weight again.
You carry my burdens,
Just to drop me in the end.
You pick me back up,
Just to lead me on again,
Just to let go of the rope,
Just for me to push you away,
Just for me to give in,
Just for you to carry me,
Just for you to drop me in the end.
It's an ongoing cycle–
And I don't think I will ever learn
Jun 13, 2018
Jun 13, 2018 at 12:20 AM UTC
Dragon Lines
Shadow lines,
I strive to survive.
Pushing the dawn away,
chasing the dragon...
May 28, 2018
May 28, 2018 at 1:06 PM UTC
Sometimes you tried to be punitive
And I felt your inner worries to save,
I perceived your deep anxious initiative,
As every time you suggested a new colder grave...
To be protected from your frigid attitude
I used my profound senses to flame,
I tried to heat with the warmth of solitude
And with your such approach, you could only lame...
You had a right decision with erroneous cures
That's why nothing's changed and all are the same
Namely, punishment cannot better,
The one thing it can do - it is just to tame
It's like trying to persuade or hit a hedgehog
Like other furry ones you usually treat
In any case, your clement hands are injured
And if you're hurt, you know, I am also hurt.
Because you are my contentment and serenity,
You are the peace of my disordered mind
All my instincts would have taken me to you
Even though my heart was completely dull
Even if my eyes were absolutely blind,
Even though my legs were reluctant to go
And in spite of all adversities I would undergo.
You console my misery with your existence
You create new values inside my heart,
You make all futilities gone away at once
You are my savior angel I can't take apart...
Anyway,
One day,
I will have to leave,
Maybe anything will link neither me nor you.
But now I have a solace - the thing I always hated,
And hereafter I love it just only for you
How I cannot love this solace, tell me,
If it cuddles me and embraces all time?!
We live in the same world, in the same country,
Even in the same city, even just in a distance of half an hour...
So, regardless that even I will never be able to reach,
It lets me fly forever between me and you
You have to be glad and respect what you have created,
But conversely, for this, I am happier than you.
If you have built a fire in someone,
You must not either burn your hands or you mustn't blow it out,
Understand that you can also warm yourself
Yes, if it is a fire, sometimes it will try to flame,
It is a fire, to burn is its character and you cannot blame,
You can calm it only with your generosity,
With your deep understanding,
Letting it scorch in your drizzling looks
With the reflection of happiness in your eyes
And then I would be serene, I would feel no pain,
But I think you would use your hands again
You would use them very well for shaking your fingers at me
Oh, your remedial hands and fingers...
I wish you used them to correct vital mistakes,
As you did always in my writings,
I wish you used them instead of your feelings or thoughts
I wish you used them only for protection and caressing
I wish you mothered all my fears and miseries
As you have that potential inside
And I had seen, had experienced it before
So, I would not want anything more...
But you are again moving on the wrong path,
It silently takes you to a wrong destination
You are trying to save again with wrong ways
You try to find all differences to help,
And I feel your worry when we are similar
I do not explore similarities between us,
Understand, you are for me just who you are!
Dec 5, 2017
Dec 5, 2017 at 3:41 AM UTC
When cliffs and waves clash
Continuous tournament
Victor is unknown
~.~
May 4, 2017
May 4, 2017 at 4:19 AM UTC
By Nabs
07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. Nightmare haunting my steps, as if it doesn't want to let me go.
Waking up was less dreadful than getting ready.
07.03 AM :
Turning the water knobs, was like an exorcism.
More aware, more awake, yet the blankness was still there. I wonder If today's the day.
The shower was cold as always.
I went out to fetch the towel, I never once looked at the mirror.
9.30 AM :
The first period was literature.
We're learning about the classic fairy tales. The teacher asked us for questions.
' Why does stories only tell about the fairest of them all?"
I managed to seal the questions back to where in belong.
9.55 AM :
The girl next to me received a crumpled paper ball.
She's very kind, and have the sweetest dimples.
As she reads, I can see her self esteem crumpling up, not unlike a paper ball.
I hugged her.
She asked, with hollowed voice, If I wanted to know what was written on it.
I shook my head, I already know what it is.
It's the same word, that still echoes in my world.
'FAT ASS', was written on the paper.
12.30 PM :
Lunch was always a tiring affair.
Noisy chatters and baleful glare.
Distaste at how the line seems to never end.
Counting calories to pass the time.
Glancing at my wrist, deciding what food to eat based on the way my hands circle my wrist.
12. 34 PM :
Navigating cafeteria was even worse.
It's like avoiding the poisonous full course, that an assassin serve at you.
Bullying as a side dish, teenage drama as the main course, illusion of escape as the dessert.
The hustle and bustle of school life.
You are bound to accidentally consume that poisonous ****
12.45 PM :
After I finished eating mashed potato and green beans, some hyenas approached me.
They clawed pleasantries and congratulated me.
"What for?"
"You are thin now! That's like so awesome! "
"But--"
"Also a friendly advice, I'd watch out for that mashed potatoes! Thinking about all that calories make me shudder!"
They walked away with a bounce on their feet, and howls so loud that all the others are staring at them curiously.
I am left bleeding out and nauseous at the encounter.
I clutched my stomach, feeling claustrophobic.
Desperately, trying to banish the thought of emptying my self.
12.59 PM :
The sound of flushing, hits my ear.
Shame crashed against me with doubled force.
I heave again. Body trembling.
The bell rang.
14.00 PM :
It's the last period for the day.
It was health class, and the teacher are telling us about the importance of food. That denying your self sustenance was equal to slowly killing yourself.
He looked at me, I pretend to not see.
Last week, a senior died of anorexia.
His body was too used of rejecting food that he couldn't accept their proposal again.
His stomach balked at the thought of getting back again.
He said goodbye to the world after 7 days of divorce.
The funeral was a messy affair.
I knew him.
15.00 PM :
I opened my locker,
Head spinning from all the people that approached me today.
They were people I barely know.
Congratulating me on losing my weight. Said I was prettier. Said I look good like this. Said I should keep being this way.
Asking me, what's the secret?
They all asked with a saccharine sweet smile on their face, as if it is a good thing.
As if being sick, is a success.
I wonder if they will still call me pretty when they see the bite marks on my knuckle.
15.20 PM :
On the way home I saw a burger joint,
my stomach was clawing for food but my mouth tasted like acid.
I wonder if drinking water will be enough to quench my hunger.
15.25 PM :
I passed a water puddle.
I saw a gaunt faced girl, with a pale complexion.
Her used to be lush hair turned lanky.
Her lips were literred with cuts and bite marks, her eyes had faint purplish circle.
She looks so different from the person I used to know.
I continued my walk, trying to ignore the emptiness that had stayed in my bones.
16.30 PM :
My mother went into my room, when I was lying in my bed, counting my ribcage.
She looked at me, and a pained look crossed her face. I can see that she's holding back her tears.
She hugged me gently, as if afraid I will crumble with a touch.
I wanted to say that I wont turn into a wraith and vanish like my aunt, but I'm afraid it would be a lie.
"I'm getting better mom. Look here! I got more meat!," I said to my mom, hoping she believe the lie.
I know I'm turning fainter by the day.
She hugged me tighter, brushing my falling hair.
16.53 PM :
My mother left me her baked cookies, I nibbled on it. Wanting to stop being so starving. Ignoring the way my stomach want me to retch it.
I took another bite and count it as a success.
21.00 PM :
I stood in front of the mirror, that I had been avoiding for months, hoping to finally see my reflection.
Instead what I see was all the calories that I needed to burn,
The flaws that my body have,
And plans about not eating tomorrow.
I wonder if It's better to burn my self to ashes.
22.00 PM :
I went down stairs to grab some water.
I heard my mother crying to my father.
Said she's afraid I would vanish away from her.
Said she don't think she can take it any more.
Said she felt like she was cracking every time she sees me.
There were red gashes on her arm.
I swallowed the bile threatening to come out, ignoring how cold I feel despite the heaters on.
22.05 PM :
I smashed the mirror with my knuckle.
Rage and hopelessness was coursing my whole body. I let the tears and everything out.
The pain was sharp, and shards of glass were graced with my blood.
At that moment I saw my old self flashing in front of my eyes. So I kept punching the mirror until it is completely splintered. Shards of it was falling to the floor.
Satisfaction was addicting.
22.45 PM :
I went to sleep with gauze wrapped, still slightly bleeding, fist.
Blanket securely covering me, hoping the nightmares will not come today.
They did come, but they were nuzzling me.
07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. My fist throbbed.
On the fractured mirror was written,
OUT OF ORDER:
This mirror is distorted by socially constructed
ideas of beauty.
Get a new one.
(P.S: You look fine as always)
Dec 6, 2015
Dec 6, 2015 at 10:52 AM UTC
Saturday Stings,
And all the lonely memories it brings,
Sundays Sufferings,
Slowly eating me up, expiered enduring,
Monday Moans,
Becoming motionless as silent stones,
Tuesday Tears,
Swept away by a sea of sobs,
Wednesday Worries,
Filling my mind overthought stories,
Thursday Thoughts,
Healing through our rewind past talks,
Friday Flashbacks,
Surviving on those life hacks,
_____________
Week after Week,
This continuously ongoing cycle,
I endlessly seek,
The day we once again meet.
~A.d | 12 Jan 2015
Mar 9, 2015
Mar 9, 2015 at 2:14 PM UTC
dew drops glisten
as the morning light dances
in peaceful silence
*in peaceful silence
the great eastern sun rises
greening the ridges*
Greening the ridges
Of the mountains and the vales
Delightful—serene.
Delightful— Serene
Flowers Waltz Upon The Ground
Feel The Rising Sun
*Feeling the rising sun
Beaming on angelic faces
Leaving a heart dazed*
Leaving a heart dazed
In love with this tranquil scenery -
A true beauty!
*A true beauty
Of love and colours,
Brightening life forever.*
Brightnening life forever,
Like a dove engulfed in a clear sky,
Yet a trick of our sore eyes.
*Yet a trick of our sore eyes
Cannot obscure the glistening
Of whispered rain*
of whispered rain
which drenches our mother earth
in a warm and loving embrace
*In a warm and loving embrace,
The winds prance apace
While the rain sings its tranquil grace*
while the rain sings it's tranquil grace
my soul dances with joy and
my heart joins in the song of the universe
Jan 22, 2015
Jan 22, 2015 at 1:14 PM UTC