#notmeanttobe
I'm just a masochistic optimist.
Simultaneously angry at myself for every chance that I missed.
Holding on to dreams that could never come true.
Holding on to my future, the one I dreamed up with you.
I can't savor any taste,
it's all ashes on my tongue.
Bitter laced.
Where once a melody was sung.
Delusions in my head are spun through tear-stained strings and heart-wrenched knots.
All the what ifs and had nots.
How is love is just drawing lots?
Of all the millions and billions of fish in the sea,
I can't believe you may not be swimming back to me.
You were my everything- my home and heart.
You were what I always believed would be both my end and my start.
I just want to feel some other kind of pain.
Pouring down and visible on my sleeves.
Wading through my daily life, shove it down and abstain.
Anything but this open heart wound, bleeding as he leaves.
One arm in front of the other, swimming in the deepest end.
My legs feel like weights.
I don't wanna move, I wish I could hit send.
My heart just stops and my lips curse the fates.
I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel so ******* frantic.
Just wanna run to you like they do in the movie scenes.
I see the reels on repeat in my daydreams.
I hold on to you and you kiss me back.
Everything is back on track.
I want to hold you close and tell you it's going to be alright.
Those platitudes not enough to make things right.
Maybe I'm just too broken to be held by another.
My clinging caresses only seem to smother.
All my crumbling little pieces just fall between the cracks of your well intentioned hands.
I always failed to meet our life's demands.
But how do you heal someone when you're the one who slid in the blade?
How do you let go when you fear you'll fade?
I want to hold on to hope that our story isn't over yet.
A fresh chapter, a re-write, a reset.
I was your "delicate" flower you would jest.
Now these petals are falling and I feel laid to rest.
I don't feel strong, I only feel weak.
A stem without water, leaning and bleak.
I've lost all my sunshine and my roots cling tight.
I don't want to give up the fight.
I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶
I̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶
I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶
I̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶
Will we ever-
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 3:26 PM UTC
We go together like the moon and the sun.
like yin and yang.
like the petals of a flower.
like the wings of an angel.
but the moon and sun only touch once.
yin and yang can tear.
the petals of that flower can die.
and the wings of what used to be an angel can taint.
you and me are not meant to be.
men and men shouldn't love each other.
Aug 29, 2024
Aug 29, 2024 at 8:43 AM UTC
If I die it was always -----. I'd chose her til the day I die. I wish she were a boy. So we could do it right.
Feb 9, 2022
Feb 9, 2022 at 3:22 AM UTC
Everyone is meant for someone,
Everyone has a soulmate,
I’m afraid to have to say
That’s not always the case
Some people are meant to travel in pairs,
Others are meant to travel alone,
Some are there for each other with no connection but just until they move on
Although, it’s unfortunate to have a soul that nobody connects with, and to be seen not as someone’s lifetime partner but just someone they need when they need you but never want you.
But the memories we leave will live forever and the impact on our lives will always linger.
Sep 21, 2020
Sep 21, 2020 at 11:35 PM UTC
how do I make you jealous
when jealousy is a hostage
in the basement of my being?
how do I let go of jealousy
when sometimes I look at it and it actually is unrequited love
and other times it is just bad timing..
It is true that those are
my hands on the steering wheel
at all times,
but what direction is never, meant and to be?
Jan 7, 2018
Jan 7, 2018 at 3:02 AM UTC
It is hard to watch her touch you,
The way you used to touch me,
Her fingertips graze your thigh,
and you smile quietly.
I try to shift my eyes away,
I search the floor for reasons,
If only I could shake the ghost,
Thats been haunting me for seasons.
But you're everywhere i go,
When will this loneliness end?
I hope that you're happy now,
Not having me as your girlfriend.
It's difficult to look at you,
Knowing you'll never look at me,
But this happened for a reason,
We were never meant to be.
Jun 23, 2017
Jun 23, 2017 at 10:30 AM UTC
Apart from your world
Again I am faced with this bittersweet truth; I'll never belong in your world.
I’m on the outside looking in,and,I ponder how all this unfurled.
I met you and I fell too hard and fast, not knowing where all this would go.
We shared so much I was convinced it was fate; you too felt you’d never let go.
Our days together were filled with joy, it was easy to hold on,and believe.
We trusted in what we thought would eventually happen,how could we have been so naive?.
Like all good things the reality hit,and I knew my hope was a dream.
I saw the life you had before I was in it, the difference between us, extreme.
How do I fit in your life of so much? I can only give you my love.
Alone now at night I recall each kiss; your face looking at me from above.
You told me to wait and believe in the future, I wish you could see what I do.
Our life together is not guaranteed, could it all be just a rue?.
I pray for the day I'm not left waiting,and the love we share won't be hidden.
It's like we are characters in a romance novel where our passion is shunned,and, forbidden. I only know that I am devoted to you, even if just for a time.
Being with you has opened my heart, and what you have shown me, sublime.
What love is complete without great patience? I'm not sure that I know.
To say “Love is transcendent” embodies the truth. It is indeed, most apropos.
Randy McPeek
12/28/16
Dec 28, 2016
Dec 28, 2016 at 4:15 PM UTC
I will never settle for less.
and less means everyone but you.
And you see, that's a problem
Because I know that we're not meant to be.
you helped me finding out who I was,
you guided me trough the darkness
And that should be enough
But I can't help to wonder
What would've happened
if we met a little later
After I found my way to the light
Would you've cared for this new me?
or did you only take advantage of the weakness you saw in my eyes, my body
I know I love you
And I know somewhere deep in that cold heart of yours
You must've loved me too
Jul 18, 2016
Jul 18, 2016 at 5:11 PM UTC
By: Nabs
When I was little, my mother often gave me flowers.
She would make me a crown of Primroses that smells like the day my father left us.
I would smile and dance a little twirl that had her smiling fondly. Her little princess, Said she couldn't live with out me.
I believed her.
Right before my mother decided to stop breathing, she gave me a bouquet of Lily of the valley.
I never knew that apology was poisonous.
The day I turned fifteen, my grandmother gave me a book on flowers, It was written with green ink and bound in human skin. Said that It was family heirloom. Said that the universe needed someone who understand Hana. Said that I was born to understand only them and to remember that flowers are ephemeral.
I cradled the book, feeling as if the world was spinning. Opening it feels like coming home after a long time of drowning.
By the time I realized, a bush of Basil and beds of Petunias were growing in my home like **** The color should have been red instead of purple.
I met you when you were giving a bundle of daisy to a boy.
The boy scoffed and slapped the daisies to the ground. It's petal were falling apart just as blue and black blooms like an eager bud on you. Your body were taut as a string but your face was smiling, the kind of smile I couldn't decipher the meaning.
I picked the daisies up and asked if i could keep it. You said only if I gave you my name.
You were wreathed with White Hyacinth and Pine leaves. It suits you.
You told me one day, after you gave me a Bleeding Heart, that I needed to learn more than the languages that flower speak. That I needed to learn human.
I asked to you why do you say that?
You looked at me, with a little smile and a soft look on your face. Told me that I was too oblivious, I was more flower than human. I frowned and said," That hurts".
You laughter was much more sweeter than any Honeysuckle.
Though I still didnt understand your laughter nor the bleeding heart.
The sight of our hands lacing together, looks much more delicate than Queen Anne laces. It made me aware of the dips of your lips, how warm your callouses hands were and the way you sometimes darts to sneak a glance at me with warmth in your eyes when you thought I wasn't looking.
I would feel my heart thumping loudly and I would disentangle our hands, trying to hide the tremors in my hands. You would pursed your lips and cracked a joke.
The next day I received a bouquet of Lilacs and red Peonies. It was too beautiful and I was already withering.
You often asked If I was ok. I said I was. You would go rigid at that and started to pull down all the blinds to your soul. But that day when I answered I was ok, you gave me an Orange mock.
Said that I can trust you. You left with out meeting my eyes.
That night, I left a single Aster on your window sill. Hoping I did the right thing.
The thing was, I was scared. Not of you, no never of you. That I swear on White Lilies and Myrtles that we bound ourself to.
It's just, every time I'm with you I want to bare my self naked. To let you see how the parasites are growing inside me, withering me as it did my mother. My grandmother would say that it is our legacy we cannot escape. To grow and bloom then wither ourself after the peak.
My Grandmother was a Sakura tree, My Mother an Ajisai, and I was a Tsubaki.
My mother was supposed to lived longer than me. But Hydrangeas needed their rain or they'll wither away.
You told me once, that I remind you of Wisterias. Always enduring even after the cruelest storm. I grimaced and whacked you on the back. Said that you were an idiot for thinking that. You laughed again and tickled me until I asked for mercy.
I feel less Tsubaki and more human with you.
I never let you go to my home because I could not bear the thoughts of you seeing the lawn strewn Marigolds, the grief that latched itself to the soil.
How the yards was filled with weeds and plants that was tangling them self to choke each other. How the walls was bare and the furniture was only enough to survive. The only thing that was lending colors to my home were the branches of Plum Blossom and bouquet of Lilacs and Peonies that seems to not wither away.
This home would not hold further.
I gave you Blue Carnations the night when vines were choking my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe.
You said they were beautiful, and smiled a serene smile. I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I was leaking clear salty sap, that was rolling down my cheeks. I told you all about Hana and all about my family. How bare my home is and how you are my Iris, my good news, my good tidings.
You hugged me, not minding the sap that's staining your shirt. I didn't see the Red Camellia you were tucking in my hair.
The day when I almost gave you Red Daisies and Lungwort was the day I found out that you had severe allergy to flowers.
That breathing their pollen would shorten your life as the breath you took became a privilege that you were slowly losing.
I asked, "why would you endanger yourself like that?".
"I love flowers, that's all", you said with an uncaring shrug.
The thoughts of you withering away, made me nauseous.
I went home throwing away the Daisies and Lungwort, Burning down the marigolds and Petunias.
The only thing was left were Hana and the bouquet of Lilacs and Red Peonies.
I never get to told you that my roots was withering.
When you found me lying on my home, covered with Primroses, Camellias, and Blood Red Poppies, I know that you knew. In your hand were Peach Blossoms and they were so very beautiful.
You cradled me close to your chest. Whispering that I will be okay, that It's unfair for me to do this to him.
"I know", I rasped. My voice was barely working and Black-Red sap was steadily tricking from the corner of my lips.
When I saw my mother walking down to me, carrying a basket full of Sweet Peas, Volkamenia, and Yarrows, I understand what your smile meant the first we met.
It was Red Camellias, Love and acceptence
Dec 6, 2015
Dec 6, 2015 at 8:12 AM UTC
By: Nabs
There is a dream where I woke up upon
Where you greeted me with a smile
At that point I closed my eyes
Again, for the hundredth time
There is a dream when I realize
That this ship is sinking
That the wave which carries this body
Is the one who sang this corroding melodies
There is a bird in this dream
Usually a raven, but sometimes not
Its eyes were made of fire
There is a heart pumping blood on the sand
There is a desert in this dream
Scorching hot and dry
Chapped lips and stolen tears
Under the tents, away from the glinting star lights
There tend to be sorrow here
It is like a piece of silk
and often the universe is cloaked by it
You just laughed when I said that to you
There are secrets in the air
Never before it taste so sweet
With a hint of bitterness at the end
Maybe that's why you're here.
There are diamonds, you say
And I asked, Where?
You just smile that secret smiles of your
There are tears streaming down your face
There is you in my dreams
Lips chapped and smiling
You keep walking away with gleeful steps
"Oblivion!", you said with abandon
Why is there always apologies hovering between us?
Ready to tumble from our lips
You hold out your hands to me
You asked me to take it
You asked me to take it
Do you remember the stars?
I once asked you
You just smile that sad smile of yours
And keep looking at the sky
At that time I wondered why do you keep smiling
When your eyes look so sad
When there are wound marks gracing your wrist
I never asked how they came to be
"I'm sorry", you often said
"For what?", I would reply
"This", you said with that sad smile of yours
I always wondered why would you say that
You hold out your hand to me
You asked me to take it
You asked me to take it
The first time i met you
There was a withering flower wreath laying on top on you
You were sleeping
Six feet under
Dec 5, 2015
Dec 5, 2015 at 10:33 AM UTC
She was everything
I thought I needed,
Yet I was everything she didn’t need.
We,
Two lonely midnight voyagers,
Treading water
in a sea of not meant to be.
Aug 2, 2015
Aug 2, 2015 at 9:22 PM UTC
I shouldn't have opened my door for you.
(After all aren't you supposed to be the gentleman?)
You left the door wide open
So that you'd have a sweet escape.
But I mean the least you could have done is closed it
On your way out.
At least have the decency to say "goodbye."
At least have the common courtesy to say
Where you're bound to next.
But you didn't do that.
You didn't say "bye."
You didn't say anything.
You just
Left.
So even though I'm starting at an empty doorway,
Let me be the one to say it.
Thanks for everything-
You were there when I really needed a friend
And for that I am grateful.
It's been an interesting trip,
But like everything else
It's come to its end.
After all
I'm not a firm believer in "forever"
When it comes to people..
But I hope that wherever you go,
You'll be doing all right.
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 11:15 PM UTC