#newlife
I remember.
Could I ever forget?
The shades of manipulation
when you leveraged
my desire to be a "good girl"
into a desire to not be found wanting in your eyes.
The power in those eyes
when you looked right through me,
like I had no name and
no self that existed
outside of who I was to you.
The apathy you wore like your favorite pair of jeans when you
interacted with me in your bedroom.
I really was nothing to you,
and you made sure I knew it.
The casual way you hurt me,
like it required no effort on your part.
It was like brushing your teeth or combing your hair,
just one more item on your mental checklist of things to be done that day.
The mindset you had that
lying to everyone was justified because
truth and
honesty
were not as important as
appearance and
reputation,
both of which you mastered.
What I gave up to be
your "special girl":
My identity, my innocence, my sense of self-worth were the first victims,
followed by my ability to trust, my desire to love, my willingness to live.
There were no survivors.
But I've built a new life...
... Where I am my own person, resilient and independent.
... Where I worry less about how others perceive me and focus more on how I see myself.
... Where I finally know that I deserve to be treated kindly, not hurt; to be loved, not treated with indifference.
You stripped me of everything I was back then, turning me into a victim.
Now, I have clothed myself with strength and love, becoming the survivor you never thought I could be.
I remember.
But you're getting easier to forget.
Apr 5
Apr 5, 2026 at 10:57 AM UTC
its official, we're leaving this town
to start a new life before we break down
i'm sad to go and i hate to leave
but i have to get out, i need a reprieve
i know ive got it easy
you all have it hard
for me its a new life
for you its the same
but there's hole
in the shape of me
im sorry to do this, i'll miss you a lot
but if i were to stay i'd probably rot
this town is a dead-end hole
i'll leave it behind, i will get up and go
i've found a new place to call home
and you will forget me so quickly, i know
forget me, and forget me fast
before you know it, i'll be a thing of your past
Mar 27
Mar 27, 2026 at 2:28 PM UTC
At least I held you close
On our last meeting,
Just before you chose to leave me,
Just before your love for
me grew dim.
At least my arms embraced you firmly
Before I chose to let you go.
Once, I loved you deeply.
Mar 8
Mar 8, 2026 at 3:38 AM UTC
Every year without fail, today is my lucky day
I mean this sarcastically and truthfully.
Four years ago, I admitted feelings for a girl.
I realized I was in love, that I wanted to be true to my best friend.
Many decades ago, my great grandmother was born.
We tried to visit her grave today, but we couldn’t find it.
Two years ago today, a singer died.
She was known for brief fame and a touching story, and I streamed her music as much as I could.
One year ago, I got my period.
I “became a woman”, and finally felt let into the club of “cool” girls.
And this year, I decided to do something daring, daunting to top off my previous years.
It was all accidental, all twisted fate and luck.
But I decided to end my life.
Oddly enough, as the minutes ticked closer I changed my mind.
A chat with a friend, I made a better plan.
To leave.
Not this earth, but this life. Not my body, but my home.
I’m leaving. In three months.
Feb 28
Feb 28, 2026 at 11:42 PM UTC
Memories are weird, they linger and stay,
Sometimes they blush my cheeks red,
Sometimes they blur my eyes in gray.
Next year I can only hope and see,
What’s coming will be kinder to me,
than all the things I lost along the way.
On the bright side
I am not addicted to ******* so let's pray
until next year I can get by
in a safe way.
Dec 24, 2025
Dec 24, 2025 at 10:13 PM UTC
I thought it was enough.
Leaving you in the place i called home.
Betraying the warmth and running away from the comfort.
Just to be kicked, bled dry, and dying in an unfamiliar sidewalk.
Drowning in a sea of strangers, in this city of unknown.
You thought I loved to leave, so you pushed and pushed. You never held me back.
Now there's no home
and you were but a distant footnote of a life i chose to forget.
Nov 6, 2025
Nov 6, 2025 at 11:17 AM UTC
This Blessed Sip of Life
“Hello, how are you doing today
I hope I find you feeling healthy”—
your smile broke like spring after too long a winter.
We met by chance,
but it felt like gravity had drawn us in.
“Could I love you? Could you love me?”
The world held its breath.
Your laugh said yes before your mouth ever did.
“Say, my love, I came to you with best intention
You laid down to give to me just what I’m seeking.”
And you did.
So I asked,
“Kiss me, won’t you kiss me now?”
Because I wanted to give you everything and asked for nothing in return. Other than joy.
We stitched our lives together with whispered promises.
“Hold my hands, your hands—
So much we have dreamed.”
Your hand in mine,
the future felt like a secret only we understood.
“Oh, please, lover, lay down
Spend this time with me.”
And we did,
under stars that blinked in approval.
Children came.
And laughter.
And little hockey skates by the door.
“Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain.”
We were a painting in motion,
“Our love is so right—
Forget the clouds that rain down on you.”
Two of us. Anything felt possible.
“Two of us together, we could do anything, baby.”
But time speaks in silence.
One day, I noticed the pause between our words.
“You could look inside and see what’s on my mind
I let you down, oh, forgive me.”
I did try.
You did too.
But something between us shifted.
The PTSD became too much and we didn’t know how to navigate.
You never once asked me: "Are you ok?".
“You crush me, with the things you do,
and I do, for you, anything too.”
That balance turned to burden.
If only we had worked on our mental fitness rather than turning on each other.
“I fall so hard inside the idea of you,”
not you—
not anymore.
“Wanna stay but I think I’m gettin’ outta here.”
And you did. And so have I.
“Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Since she went away
I said I couldn’t tell you
I’m OK, I’m OK.”
But I wasn’t.
I replay the good days
like old home videos.
“Ride my bike down the old dirt hill
First time without my training wheels.
First time I kissed you I lost my legs—
Bring that beat back to me again.”
“I know I’ll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her.”
But I never could.
“This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?”
Some days, it feels like it is.
Other days, I drink it down bitterly.
“And we were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger.”
But we are.
Just not together anymore.
“Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you stay, American baby.”
You didn’t.
But I hope you found whatever you were looking for….
So many words unsaid.
“And if I don’t see you
I’m afraid we’ve lost the way.”
You never again will,
and maybe we have.
But still,
“I shall miss these things.”
The laughter in your eyes.
The weight of your head on my shoulder.
The silence between our words.
“Lovely lady, I am at your feet, oh God I want you so badly.
And I wonder—this: could tomorrow be so wondrous as you there sleeping?”
It once was.
And though
“I let you down—
How could I be such a fool like me?”
I carry no bitterness.
Only love.
Faded, but still honest.
“But I do know one thing—
And that’s where you are, is where I belong.”
Was.
And maybe
that’s enough.
© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.
Jul 26, 2025
Jul 26, 2025 at 3:02 PM UTC
When waking up
from my sleeplessness
I am tired
of the task
to create
a new past
anyhow
grafted onto
who I have been
with a family
and a mother
who knew me
to create
a second life
under a sun
bright enough
to warm me
and bleach
the shadows
Jun 17, 2025
Jun 17, 2025 at 2:00 AM UTC
I used to love the sun,
I'd wake to see it rise;
It's warming rays surround me,
As overhead it flies;
But now I walk in darkness,
And wear this **** disguise;
The curtains now are drawn,
On windows and my eyes;
The moon and stars above me,
Dimly fill the skies;
I can't escape my shadow,
Though heaven knows I've tried;
And since it's not alone,
My spirit never dies...
May 13, 2025
May 13, 2025 at 3:31 AM UTC
the day is approaching
faster and faster
the day I pack up all my stuff
put it into boxes
load it into the car
empty out my room
and drive for a couple of hours
I will unpack my life
into a tiny new room
that will be my home for a year
I'll look at my barren room
waiting to be decorated
and filled
I'll make it my own
no matter how I miss my home hours away
Mar 25, 2025
Mar 25, 2025 at 1:22 PM UTC
You know how the saying goes:
They write one and you know they love you
They write a hundred and they love the craft
I'll admit
I've written a hundred and more, 'm sorry
I'm getting sick and tired of the same routine
Pacing all night
Until I collapse, exhausted
Spinning my wheels, running on fumes,
And ultimately getting nowhere.
I'm thinking of blowing this whole thing up
And starting from scratch
Because after we ended things
It took you half the time to recover that I did.
You know how the saying goes
And those are the consequences of having a muse.
You corrupted the art
And turned it into an obsession.
I've been limited,
Waxing poetic about your body, your soul, your grip on me
And nothing more.
Take this as a goodbye letter
To: you
And for: me
Take this as a promise to stop looking back.
I'll write about the stars
The wind in my hair
And how the birds sing to greet the early morning.
Maybe one day I'll write about someone new.
I'll write about living, and stop thinking about you.
Sep 30, 2024
Sep 30, 2024 at 1:14 AM UTC
Escaped from fears
Smiles hiding tears
Yet Unable to sleep
Emotions Buried so deep
Losing a friend
Trying to comprehend
A candle snuffed out
Turning away in doubt
A father deceased
Farwell, We feast
Another sky turned gray
Hearts left in disarray
Return of Wrongdoer
Smiles become fewer
Drugs to help cope
Losing what little hope
Feelings to address
Family in distress
A mother points blame
A heart left maimed
Apology never received
False affections believed
Silent the line stays
As I've departed ways
Sep 10, 2024
Sep 10, 2024 at 3:09 PM UTC
Winter falls, casting a white lace undergarment
of frost on the morning ground.
Time of death, dormancy, dependence.
What am I to give up in this season,
Ready for the rebirth that is to come again?
May 24, 2024
May 24, 2024 at 6:01 PM UTC
as i am nearing the edge of our fading sun,
as our world is one big aquarium,
- full of life...
me, surviving the best i can, alone...
i thought i never long for that new life
born between my seeds,
all i knew is that i am okay, alone...
no plan to plant,
just a fading list of the evading daydream...
it's okay - everythings alright,
there's time, still,
even if it never arrive,
it's still alright
for all the right
reasons...
Jan 11, 2024
Jan 11, 2024 at 3:13 AM UTC
What would I do
Who would I be
Where would I belong
If I didn't have you
Sep 24, 2023
Sep 24, 2023 at 2:45 PM UTC
Yesterday I woke up,
Felt the fresh air,
Had me going crazy,
Haven't had a breath fresh air.
Looking back thinking,
Putting my hands in the air,
Giving my self a good stretch,
What it is to be alive again!
I am always here,
As long as I'm Alive,
You are not alone,
You'll always have a home,
Since I am here,
Keep it in the past,
And don't you ever look back,
Then again even if you do,
I'll always have your back.
You've been surpassing everything,
Learning it from falling deep,
You didn't want anything.
Just looking at a fiend,
Waking up reaching the alarm,
Do I even have to ask?
Yes you had another sleepless night.
Walking up hating life,
Another day carrying regrets from ur past
Another day another bag,
Another hour and I know your calling,
Demons had you under,
Looking at you now,
I see you reaching up,
High as the ******* stars.
Yesterday I woke up,
Felt the fresh air,
Had me going crazy,
Haven't had a breath fresh air,
Looking back thinking,
Putting my hands in the air,
Giving my self a good stretch,
What it is to be alive again!
I am always here,
As long as I'm Alive,
You are not alone,
You'll always have a home,
Since I am here,
Keep it in the past,
And don't you ever look back,
Then again even if you do,
I'll always have your back.
Jun 26, 2023
Jun 26, 2023 at 10:11 PM UTC
In the new country
I follow a friend, stepping --
within his footprints.
Nov 7, 2022
Nov 7, 2022 at 3:55 AM UTC
As I sit, my heart stands and my head goes roaming.
I am half lost in thought and dilemma of growth. The wishes of growing up getting intense on my nerves as I don’t wish to get any younger much as age keeps me on the advance.
Now, I count the mornings, days and the nights knowing it’s easy to slumber but not with the weight of my dreams. When I look at the mark of 100% and haven’t attained close to 50% I go weary. Midlife crisis has struck with its luggage of famous responsibilities.
I will not stay comfortable because my age mates aren’t where my focus is for I believe I need to set the bar for myself and my companions. The thought of it itches so bad so bad to bring me butterflies, and then goes insecurity, to loose what you already have grip on. Family, closet friends and your hustling grounds.
To this point the rhyme of Psalms 23 keep rolling on my lips as my eyes are close in meditation, every time I sit even when I go to bed. I want to raise my hand to admit it’s not easy being an adult, neither is it so hard. The difference comes when we fail to strike a balance to know WHAT GOES ON AND WHAT WE MUST LET GO?
In the end I come to appreciate Life, Life God has given me and has given us. Something I have as the biggest asset I run to the third floor.
I am not concerning about who went there first; I am in contemplation of the uniqueness I will bring to the table. We nearly live half of our lives in 20’s as it’s believed to be a time of adventure. Well I can’t regret want I went through for these lessons I am ready to carry to the third floor and a warning to myself that I won’t tolerate anything or even myself for standing in my way. To those who choose us and set to battle and see us better, cheers and to blood suckers against our progress talk to the hand.
Aug 24, 2021
Aug 24, 2021 at 2:24 AM UTC
The sun shower you special,
speak sparkles
Into your soul
Till you are whole
With all the hope
Of new growth.
Apr 23, 2021
Apr 23, 2021 at 1:05 PM UTC
Eyes open into newness
And find a smile
Dimpled giddy
With the happiness
That took only one look to awaken
And one little life to nurture.
Nine months worth of waiting
Melt into a promise of forever.
My love for you is an endless
Beautiful thing.
Bigger than the both of us
Loud and bellowing.
But I whisper it
because I want to let you sleep.
Apr 15, 2021
Apr 15, 2021 at 4:41 AM UTC
Normally I wouldn't start this way,
But-
Its not you , its always me,
Well I suppose in a fashion you are blameless to a point,
Equating you with love and comfort was a mistake,
I need to set some healthy boundaries,
In the end I hope we can be friends,
but for now,
Its arms length
Till I get my mental strength.
Mar 24, 2021
Mar 24, 2021 at 6:39 PM UTC
i used to hide from your pain
change myself for you
and i called it love
blindly following you
until you broke me
so i sat in my room eating icecream
when was the last time i was without you?
my heart is bruised, but its healing
cause i found people
that loved me through my problems
and they mended my tender heart
so that one day,
i can truly find love
and be reborn
Jan 28, 2021
Jan 28, 2021 at 3:34 PM UTC
I could only watch the fire,
burning all that I hold dear,
all because of that ********* liar,
and my salvation nowhere near.
The flames went so high,
and the smoke even higher,
I couldn’t see a single star,
and all the people just walked by.
I wished to run really far,
to escape this burning light,
where it wouldn’t be so bright.
I coughed, my lungs filled with smoke,
and my heart slowly broke,
as I turned around,
away, from the crackling sound.
I was the liar – to myself lying,
saying, that I wouldn't wake up the next day, crying.
But I am a little bit glad,
now I can stop living in constant fear,
leave my old life here,
and that doesn’t sound so bad.
Sometimes, you need to burn down the things,
stopping you from spreading your wings.
Ahead I could see,
a new life, new me,
towards which I started to walk,
behind me leaving only smoak.
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 3:51 AM UTC
Everything has become so different in a couple of months,
I have become the most beloved on all fronts.
But the mere thought of getting married,
Gives me goosebumps.
My heart starts pounding,
And my body becomes numb.
But just to become Mrs. from Miss,
I have to forego on all these?
Life would be so much different,
And every move so uncertain.
Responsibilities that I never took as a daughter,
Would be forced upon me, as a daughter-in-law.
My complaining mother will have nothing to nag about,
Seeing her daughter as punctual as a clock.
All these thoughts fills me up with anxiety,
That now I have to take care of a new set of relatives and a SOCIETY.
Now everyone would expect me to become the nicest,
But why they don't understand? I am still Daddy's little princess.
Yeah i know, overthinking won't help,
And even if i make any mistake, he willl be there to weld.
Sep 21, 2020
Sep 21, 2020 at 11:01 AM UTC