#neurodiversity
flowing patterns
wandering lines
open pathways
moving in directions
unknown to others
They call it scattered
but I am the organizer
of my mind
soft shapes
unimaginable designs
no words can hold their beauty
how I have learned
to live peacefully
inside this scattered mind
directions
branching into many paths
what looks scattered
is simply
me
Feb 21
Feb 21, 2026 at 1:19 PM UTC
I’m autistic
I’m not stupid
I’m not awkward
I’m not an epidemic
I do have feelings
I am empathetic
I can learn
I can create
Contrary to what the great poet RFK Jr. proclaimed
I can do things on my own
I can love
I can understand
I know how things work
Sometimes better than you
I can laugh
I can cry
I get upset
I get annoyed
These all make me who I am
A human
An equal
It is just sometimes I need support
But don't we all at some point
So please see me as a human
An autistic human
And be kind
Feb 16
Feb 16, 2026 at 11:36 AM UTC
There’s a light above me.
No —
There are twenty-three lights above me.
And I’ve counted every single one,
Because looking at people’s faces feels like drowning
.
And the ceiling is safer.
Even when it burns.
Fluorescent.
That word sounds too pretty.
For what it does to me.
It hums.
It flickers.
It pulses like it has something to prove.
Like it’s in a fight with my nervous system
And it’s winning.
I am supposed to be learning.
Taking notes
Solving problems.
But my only equation is this:
Flicker + hum + silence = meltdown I’m not allowed to have.
Because I am autistic.
Because I am transmasc.
Because I didn’t know I was
Until 2020 slapped me with a diagnosis
and said,
“Hey, here’s your permission slip —
too late for recess, but just in time to explain the ache.”
Before that?
I was just the weird kid.
The quiet one.
The one who "zones out"
Because no one could see the war behind my eyes.
These lights don’t just glow,
They interrogate.
They pick at the edges of my thoughts.
Like static under my skin.
Every buzz is a “why can’t you just pay attention?”
Every flicker is a “Why are you always so dramatic?”
They say light is knowledge.
But this kind of light
Feels more like punishment.
And I sit in classrooms built like cages.
Every desk is too sharp,
Every rule is too loud.
I stim with my fingers under the table.
Because above it is performance.
Because masking is survival.
Because I’ve learned how to script my face
Into something safe for others.
But inside,
My brain is shouting.
My body is aching.
My heart is tap-dancing in Morse code.
And nobody reads it.
Because of them,
Fluorescent is normal.
Expected.
Unnoticed.
But to me,
It’s a constant scream
Dressed up in polite brightness.
It is the reason I can’t think straight.
The reason my pen shakes.
The reason I leave school
I feel like I ran a marathon through fog.
I try to explain.
But how do you make them see light as violence
When does it not bruise?
How do you explain
That autistic overstimulation feels like drowning
In a room full of air?
They say,
“Well, the other students seem fine.”
And I want to scream:
I’m not like the other students.
Diagnosed too late to stop the damage,
**** just in time to give it a name.
So no—
I’m not being dramatic.
I’m being honest.
I’m being electric.
I’m being every buzz those lights make
When no one else is listening.
And maybe someday,
The classrooms will be dimmed.
The rules will bend.
The world will stop calling my survival.
A disruption.
Until then,
I’ll keep counting the lights.
Not because I want to—
But because my brain is trying to find
any pattern
In a world
That won’t stop flickering.
Jan 12
Jan 12, 2026 at 11:38 PM UTC
Why am I so lonely?
I have a lovely gf and doggo too…
Is it my lack of true meaning?
My existential crisis?
My minute family?
My lack of clarity?
My forgotten dreams?
My absent friends?
My over-sensitivity?
My neurodiversity?
…All of the above?
Gotta keep moving forward
I’ve still got a whole lotta love
❤️
Jan 10
Jan 10, 2026 at 11:16 AM UTC
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
Anything about myself.
I couldn't see through and
Never had tools,
Pitch dark and wandering by stars.
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
Social rules, quiet cues, or how
Became my "muse".
An island
A shipwreck
Adrift at sea
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
My forsaken longing for true connection,
Or what you meant
When you said
"Stop painstakingly crafting your prose as if you must earn my attention"
Scouring
Half blind
For the unloved part of me.
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
My desperate diversity.
Shackles clattered free with every blackout pour
Each line a rush of promises I knew would rot
Filled myself to forget nothing was ever there,
Expanding the hollow before it even had a name.
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
I was heaving the empty unknowing alone,
An anchor keeping me drowned.
With no practice feeling, I stood
Petrified to appear the fool,
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand.
After numbing for years
I finally learned and finally healed,
This quiet apology is not an excuse
Only late recognition from my old recluse.
Sep 29, 2025
Sep 29, 2025 at 4:59 PM UTC
You think you know because you read something on the internet
And your wife’s best friend’s cousin knows someone with it
So you have all the answers and cannot be wrong
Dave down the pub reckons it is all a scam and really they are just a bit thick
And he knows because he is Dave and Dave knows **** especially when seven pints in (God he is ******* funny; what a legend)
We are the problem with the world
The world that is only for the entrepreneur
Not the ones who see through the smokescreen
Wanting to give love to everyone, using intimidating genders and pronouns, instead of glorifying the economies of scale
But they are the snake oil salespeople
So go back to your cave of gossip and rumours; evolution has stalled for you
Genuflecting at the feet of those paid influencers who tell you how to live your life with fictitious remedies of being
Leaving us to mop up your mess
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to save the earth
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to end poverty
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to accept
Too
*******
Stupid
You
Greedy
****
Sep 28, 2025
Sep 28, 2025 at 4:34 AM UTC
Try harder, it's not that difficult
The silence screams internally
I am trying to focus, but what does that mean?
Stop swaying, you are being inconsiderate
this class feels
like an eternity
Focus. Why can't I just feel seen?
Try harder, it's easy for everyone but you
You,
are fundamentally broken and wrong
Why can't you just be like the others?
You don't know anything, that's true
The beat without a melody, this song
Your thoughts are overlapping against another
Try harder, for this is an illness
This needs to be cured
Isolating from your peers
But you don't act like the rest
Akin,
you both are injured
Try harder, this disorder of yours is an excuse
This apathy towards attention is a trend
There was never this sensitivity years back
After this plea, I have something to deduce
This point of yours is a complex blend
So I'll offer irrelevant feedback
Try harder.
Sep 24, 2025
Sep 24, 2025 at 8:43 AM UTC
Fields stretching out in yellow and green
The brilliant blue of the sky joining in the distance
A gentle breeze swaying the sunburnt grass
The crickets chirruping their piercing songs
Tranquillity is all around
The clean air fills the lungs
As the calm spreads throughout
Like a lover’s hand caressing the body
Or the warmth of the first hit of *****
Releasing the pain from within
All has disappeared
And I am one with nature
But its permanence is fleeting
The cold turkey will kick in
And as thoughts flood back
The tsunami of angst returns
The realities of life
Sep 14, 2025
Sep 14, 2025 at 11:14 AM UTC
And don’t get me started on interviews.
What a ridiculous process.
You are asked a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question
And answer with one.
But in the feedback,
They wanted more.
And you are not right for them this time.
They wish you ‘good luck’
And ‘try again in the future’
But why the **** would you?
When you did nothing wrong,
But answer their questions as asked.
What are you?
A ******* mind reader
******
Sep 14, 2025
Sep 14, 2025 at 11:09 AM UTC
Just tell me what it is you want
Don’t sit there and make me into a mind reader
Just say exactly what you want
Don’t complain about me behind my back
Saying I don’t do this and I don’t do that
When you haven’t told me exactly what you want
After I told you to be direct
Just say what it is you want
(For ***** sake)
Sep 13, 2025
Sep 13, 2025 at 4:30 AM UTC
I am the quiet one sat with you whilst being on my own
I am the one sat with you that you do not see
I am the one working ten times harder than you every day of the week
I am the one who you look at and see freak, ****** odd
I am the one who doesn’t see what you want me to even though I look
I am the one who has layers of disguise
The spy who cannot come in from the cold
I am the one who keeps it inside what they want to say
I am the one who you will never truly know what makes me smile
I am the one who needs to be released
The shackles of life if only broken
And lifting the mask to finally reveal
That finally without hesitation or thought
I am me, not you
I am one.
Aug 19, 2025
Aug 19, 2025 at 9:51 AM UTC
Seeing, looking wanting to be let in
Life on the edge
Of the fringes of society
But never quite being there
As a shadowy presence of luminous white
Flitting around with silent words
Observing how easy it is that your laughter
Is enjoyed by so many as my words go unheard
The ease of which you glide in and out of chatting
Weaving sonnets of magic
Esoteric word dances of laughter and light
The liquored ballads puncturing the air of ****** tension
For tonight you are the kings of comedy
And I sit on the edge; in and out.
Aug 19, 2025
Aug 19, 2025 at 9:49 AM UTC
I am flawed, lost in the depths,
Since I heard the silence beneath their steps.
Their map is lean—lines, signs and names,
Not seeing beyond the truth they claim.
Through their shortcuts, they place me in a cage,
A simple outline, they miss the weight behind the stage-
What’s soft, unseen, warped by age,
With complexity they cannot engage.
This map of mine holds space, nuance, weight,
Unmarked roads and altered states,
It charts the shifts of inner skies,
The truths that flicker in disguised eyes.
It honours detours, dwells in pause,
And bends around unspoken laws.
They see it, flawed, lost, estranged,
Too raw, too complex, too unarranged.
But their neat world cannot gauge the cost,
Of all the knowing they’ve lost
Let them follow lines well-laid,
Their scripted paths in safe charade.
But don’t hold me to your labels and limits,
Drawn from shortcuts and fleeting minutes.
Let me be, let me fly,
To map my uncharted sky
Jun 14, 2025
Jun 14, 2025 at 8:29 AM UTC
To answer your question,
An essay would be most apt,
I’ll route through the archives, sift through dusty drawers,
Plot the coordinates of where I have been and map out my thoughts.
But first I must know: what do you know?
Can you hold the depth, can you pause to reflect?
And in the moment, you hold my gaze,
The silence swelling,it’s weight thick,
I am but a deer in the headlights,
Startled, still and blank,
So in answer to your question,
I’m fine.
May 6, 2025
May 6, 2025 at 11:12 AM UTC
In those words, they handed me a key—
to armour I wore unknowingly.
A mask that locked me in from the world,
its weight a comfort, strangely unfurled.
I turned it over in my hand,
traced edges I couldn’t understand.
I saw its shape behind closed eyes,
but stayed where silence felt like disguise—
From those walls I could not rise.
But then—
a whisper flickered through the hush,
not one I knew, not one I’d trust.
To face the world just naked skin,
not knowing what I’d held within,
each emotion crashed like waves too wide
for fragile bones to hold inside.
Each sound, a storm.
Each gaze,
A question I could not reply
I reached for the safety I had known,
but the walls were gone—crumbled stone.
The cracks beneath my feet grew wide,
until the world began to slide.
Alone, exposed, and trembling bare,
even silence stung the air.
But then—
the whisper came again,
not from beyond,
but deep within.
A murmur my body remembered,
from before I had words.
It offered no comfort, no retreat,
only truth—
raw and complete.
And in its truth—
a safety transformed,
not hiding,
but simply being
May 6, 2025
May 6, 2025 at 11:08 AM UTC
What draws me
With squirming heart
Leaning in
Staying apart?
I watch their ease
Relaxed confusion
Messy cross-talk
Care-less collusion
Words collide
Neurons firing
Thoughts descend
Exponentially tiring
The outer me
Has grown too thin
To meet the needs
Of fitting in
The inner me
Wants to be seen
But fears the same -
The risk too keen
They and l
Feel subtly
The gulf between
Them and me
Dec 10, 2024
Dec 10, 2024 at 5:52 AM UTC
Months burst with potential understanding
Thyroid, Childhood Cancer, Breast Cancer
And Autism - a landscape of perception
I knew little once
Before lived experiences carved pathways
Of comprehension
Hand flapping, repeated movie scenes
Specific sensory needs
Neurological landscapes diverse as humanity itself
From verbal to non-verbal
From sibling to parent
From self-discovery at 34
My perspective widens like a lens
Societal Echoes
The world whispers harsh narratives
"Discipline them"
"Fix them"
"Normalize"
But we are not broken
We are different
Intricate neural networks
Misunderstood symphonies
Digital age amplifies cruelty
Marginalization becomes performance
Awareness transforms to spectacle,
Unfolding Truth
Intricate neural pathways
Misread as discordant tunes
The digital age sharpens cruelty's edge
Marginalization dressed as entertainment
Awareness turned into spectacle,
A truth slowly unraveling
Hatred cloaked in the guise of compassion
Bigotry masquerading as care
April - a month of performative understanding
We see what others refuse to witness
Complexity beyond simple categorization
Humanity in all its beautiful, challenging variations
Spectrum wide as consciousness
Unbound by neurotypical constraints
Nov 18, 2024
Nov 18, 2024 at 9:06 PM UTC
On to the next
Before I have finished the first
Forgetting who?
Forgetting me?
A hunger or thirst
To finish third, second or first
A race against time
With the zone of my mind
Like ironing shirts
And each crease gets worse
Finding time for each urge
Defining what hurts.
Asking, how should I think?
Hurting who?
Hurting me?
A marathon and sprint
If I am only racing myself, how would I win?
A superpower and curse
You can never comes first
Though, you can never come last
Only move from your past
Tie your laces so fast
That the shadow you cast
Is the only version you craft
Casting who?
Crafting me?
In all that I see,
It will not alienate me
Finding my path
With ADHD.
Nov 17, 2024
Nov 17, 2024 at 12:13 PM UTC
From a young age I tried to fit in,
Observing those around me from where i was sitting.
Taking in their smiles, jokes and body language,
Learning this social code which they use to their advantage.
My manual is not the same,written entirely for me but I have not read it properly.
Navigating a world where I copy to survive,
Forver wondering if I sustain this will I learn to thrive?
I have become a result of continuous masking,
In social situations I feel like I am drowning.
Living in a world which does not feel for me,all I can do is write about my isolation in poetry.
Mar 11, 2023
Mar 11, 2023 at 4:27 PM UTC
Now here in the middle of the night when
Everyone is getting ready for bed, I lay
Under the stars thinking about life.
Right here in this moment I feel alive and
Only here can I say go
Do what you love! Be you cause No one does
It better! In this
Very moment as
Everyone else is sleeping, I lay here
Resting and thinking “What's Next?”
So I’m going to go live my life to the fullest!
I’m going to spread kindness and love
To everyone I meet because
You are Beautiful and Worth it!
Dec 26, 2021
Dec 26, 2021 at 10:06 PM UTC
i remember this one conversation
with such clarity it alarms me
in the dead of night
with a longing for ecstasy
seeping through his tone he asked me,
"could..you imagine....what..life...would be like...if we weren't..mentally ill?"
and with that question
my hanging heart
sunk even lower into its pit
due to jealousy and frustration
for my cursed blessing
and i was confused on how
for i had believed my heart already laid
at what i'd thought to be
rock bottom
well besides that,
he did provoke me
to question
is there is a chance
for my heart to find
its rightful place
in my body
yet again?
and maybe along with it
all of my chemical receptors,
and my neurological network of pathways
could all find their own
harmonious balance and natural sources
of dopamine, serotonin, and epinephrine
and have them work "flaw"lessly
just, way they were originally created to
when the goddess of mental
crafted these things with such care
and gifted those beautifully painful things
to humankind
****
the unholy things i'd do to obtain
the goddess of neurotypicality's
scientific? spiritual? situational?
whatever the **** is in her elixir of secret
for mental peace and serenity
that few were blessed with unconditionally
to me it just sounds like magic
but back to him the only way i could reply
was with,
"i could only dream"
for i believe
in a lifetime of mine past
i may may have made a deal
with the devil of neurodiversity,
a fallen angel without malice,
who simply forgot
to grant me the knowledge
of how i would be reborn
into a world
where its society
would be unfit for me and my kind of mind
and with that thought lingering i added,
"but yeah...it must be nice"
Jun 10, 2021
Jun 10, 2021 at 6:27 AM UTC
I have two facts for you that exist in my mind -
1. I am normal
2. I do not 'feel' normal
I have never considered myself to be normal.
I knew i wasn't normal when at the age of eight after my Dad left my school hired a counsellor just for me,
and i wasn't normal how after then i was the only pupil to be from a single parent family.
I wasn't normal when just after this abandonment my body entered early puberty,
and so feeling weird didn't stay a feeling, it became a reality.
Picked on for things out of my control, i felt like a freak.
Even at the age of eight, every aspect of my identity was up for scrutiny.
I knew i wasn't normal when in secondary school i would purposely get detentions
to spend time with teachers, because the the turmoil of the school yard was a teenage no man's land.
The company of those my own age is something i will never understand.
I knew i wasn't normal when i would hesistate in conversation when someone asked me who i fancied in my class.
The name of a random boy rolled from my tongue in an attempt to not blow my cover.
I knew i wasn't normal when my tweets coming out as bi were passed around like breaking news.
When i tried to defend myself in the interrogations, teachers would sternly say to me -
'That's not appropriate to be talking about in school' like my sexuality was a hushed secret, even though the straight girls were never silenced.
I knew i wasn't normal when i had to say i was bi, when in fact this was a lie. A lie to help me pass, pass and hold on to some straight privilege.
At the age of sixteen i questionned my worth and value as a person, trying to blame myself for the treatment i was subjected to.
I knew i wasn't normal when i decided to place my emotional pain onto a physical space, then patching up the damage as a form of ironic self-care.
I left school for a college, desperately seeking freedom from the constraints of a Catholic school.
I never felt comfortable in sixth form, being there my mind felt like a spinning waltzer i was strapped to for two years.
At seventeen i knew i wasn't normal when i was prescribed the maximum dose of sertraline, then mirtazapine, venlafaxine, fluoxetine.
By this point in my life i was on a tally of maybe six counsellors and two CBT therapists.
I knew i wasn't normal when i started to blame myself for the therapy not being successful. Maybe i was just meant to be depressed.
Changing my thinking styles, emotional regulation, journalling my feelings and triggers, i knew exactly what i had to do.
I knew i wasn't normal when i clung onto certin things as comfort, like my adoration for florence and the machine.
I started to experiment, toying between wanting to fit in and wanting to be myself, painting bright eyeshadow on my lids as a vibrant mask to carry me through.
I knew i wasn't normal when i reached out to the local crisis team experiencing auditory hallicinations, hearing sounds only meant for my ears.
My emotional states are a product of my trauma, which is difficult to navigate as the world's greatest performer.
Maybe i was meant to face this internal torment, or until now i hadn't considered i could be neurodivergent.
Apr 15, 2021
Apr 15, 2021 at 7:59 PM UTC
O brother, tell us where you've been!
What is the world like beyond these trenches?
Is it safe to crawl out —
we heard the wolves were just 'were-' with a sweet tooth.
Won't you help us sniff out the lotus from the roses,
their thorns so cleverly hidden…
Sisters, we're tired of hiding in the dark,
our eyelids shut by the nurse's damp cloth;
To our champions: were you blessed in your travails?
Did you find the loving,
the caring,
the fabled Happy People that
Nashville balladeers croon about?
brave children, remember to return;
we dreamed of setting foot in a place of our own, too.
does one exist in their world ||
// NOT THEIR WORLD
NOT OURS EITHER
BUT ALL OF OUR
UNIVERSE //
Jan 10, 2021
Jan 10, 2021 at 2:23 AM UTC
Sometimes I hope that someone might notice my difference,
Might intuit that the first approach,
The handshake, the "Can I join you?"
Is simply more difficult
And make the first move.
Sometimes I hope that people will realize the hand motions,
Foot tapping, slight rock of the body or toes
Are not merely a restless fidget,
Not impatience, nor disrespect.
Sometimes I want to be invisible,
Normal,
Neurotypical,
To be just another human being,
But mostly I wish to be accepted,
Autistic, quirky, kind, creative,
ME.
Sep 24, 2019
Sep 24, 2019 at 11:34 PM UTC