#mywana
i worry in tenses.
past, present and future
to stave off the huntsman whose after my head.
dire regrets are no more of a reaper
than the incubus lying still under my bed.
it's not the long shadow that
quickens my heartbeat
it's who he belongs to frightens me so.
not what i acknowledge
that gives me cold blood chills
it's all of the lovers i'll have to forego.
Cerberus came once to settle my debtor
handing him payment, i'm awful contrite.
for now one can love me
and no one can mourn as i'm
burdened to love him in black hematite.
Sahn 08/10/15
Aug 11, 2015
Aug 11, 2015 at 12:45 AM UTC
i took it back, today.
in that ***** office with the years of waste covering all the surfaces.
i slapped out of a box that held dulled wit and
and i stood so tall
that all my inches did their sun salute
and i took my space.
i took my broken, back
from the faded formica
wearing down from days and hours and shifts
and bodies
weighing
down
on
it-
and when it said, 'i always wished i was marble'
i understood.
i always wished i had marble too.
so i took the battered files
containing nowhere words
about the sick and dying
and i throw them
at the yellowed ceiling tiles
so they could shower down a jumble
of breaking through the wound barrier
and my heart beats until i moved around
like the quickening of this rebirth
and i leave
with my dignity
crumpled up with a tissue in my pocket.
And i leave with a humming in my ear
and all that i came with,
ill have it back now.
tied to a string, i attached to my belt loop
thrown in bag that i hold by heart-
i take it back.
******* this succubus
but i will take this tattered woman back-
i will take this twisted spine
i will take this faded sense of righteousness
beautiful woman,
back.
sahn 7/29/15
Jul 31, 2015
Jul 31, 2015 at 12:15 AM UTC
Warrior,
gonna paint my face in fighter's colors.
Gonna put on my tightest clothes
so all the more, I can keep things close to the chest.
Gonna tie up my laces-
all the way up.
Up around my thigh,
up around my belly
and high around my heart.
You thought my heart beat like a scared bird?
Boxer!
It beats out a tribal rhythm to remind me
just who in the Hell I think I am!
It beats with my hummingbird heart-
fragile
and fast to leave
ferocity comes in flashes
and I'll kick away your insecurity you leave me at my feet
and the shovel for your digs.
I'll plant deep your innuendos
like some back bone growing ****
I won't bother ducking bullets-
my metal cage of resilience
and keep it locked and ready to spring..
Your failure to thrive leaves me bored.
Motivated? Oh, yes I am
- the upper hand that holds the sun
will never die from burning.
Bring me your withering plant of a soul,
I'll still water it
because it's she who holds the hose, that holds the power.
Jun 13, 2015
Jun 13, 2015 at 10:18 AM UTC
I am not willing to
I am not wanting to-
I am not reckless anymore.
For you, I put my foot to earth
and make the indent deep in stone.
I am not able
to wake one second more
as myself without yourself
shadow me and watch
for I will touch the tree-
and there I will leave most of me.
I cannot breathe a single breath
and not hold on deep inside
that cloud of smoke
that I breathe in,
you are the air, the air.
I am water,
madly carving our initials
into the very earth-
for you to keep.
In the salt, in the sea-
I am full of sense
aware I am, of you.
I do not care for wars
I cannot carry causes.
My hands are full of us and we
my arms are heavy-
loaded down,
with all the minutes I have lived
without you.
I found them
and will rage and storm
with all the loneliness I didn't know I had
until you.
I'll lay in wheat fields yellow thick
and melt into the spiny swords and look
to see the sky has puffed it's cheeks with
playful, jeering joy
for you.
Beautiful you.
And I will touch my hand to all I see
The Stone, the sand
and every yawn from every child.
I will touch the fireplace
and dance for you a wistful
sinewy waltz.
I will hide in all the rain
and ride on gust of wind to blow your hat.
In earth and stone
you'll find me.
I'll keep you safe with silver coins
and all the places I can hide.
And all this I give to you
because I whisper sorrow deep-
I can only be in one way now-
I can only be for you.
Sahn 5/14/15
May 16, 2015
May 16, 2015 at 12:31 AM UTC
And every day I look for the magic,
and every day he'd look for good.
Same, I said through a whirlpool of tongue
"Same" and it circled and crashed and pushed out the lie.
One will find sinners
the other find fools.
and either way both of us
find why we came.
Kiss me then, hot
in the corner with your hands
above my shoulder on the wall.
Kiss me and keep me from looking
keep me from finding sad and hopeless.
I said, bind me then.
So that I may not reach out
and I'll find just the good.
And he came at me with magic tricks
and belly dances.
He came with divinity and bound my feet tiny.
Take smaller steps to reach heaven now,
And I fell to my knees kissing a dirt road
lined with stained glass fragments.
I crawled until the blood from my legs
matched nothing at all on earth
for I have taken all the
red from the sea, taken all the
red from the burn.
Taken all the red from child's crayon.
Taken all the red from the sun.
And he takes me and makes magic to me under this nothingness sky
and we find good,
in the chaos we find good.
sahn 3/12/2015
May 13, 2015
May 13, 2015 at 12:29 AM UTC
I will love you with a fierceness,
coal burning stove hotness.
I will fire with the pistons
of the seven deadly sins.
I will love with great sorrow
for all the widowed and the ghosts
of what is yet and
what has wandered
woeful, wistful warm and wry.
I will love you with a wetness
thick like oceans foam
and I will hide it-
All my anger
at the bottom of a wave.
So you can dance on the shore of it,
so you can wade in the salt of it
so you can watch it recede-
So you will know it must leave you.
I will love you like a clover.
In a thousand clovers hovered
in a field of the wheat and grasses,
long and itching.
tall and reaching
trap your ankles as you walk.
And in that glory green
I will be in the shadow patient
with your wishes, clover me.
I will love you like dark loves you.
With no motive, with no hue.
with your fears and self-flagellations.
with your faults and accusations-
I will love you as dark finds you,
in the shadows, in the grief.
I will love you.
And when I love you
you will know no other self.
When I am stone,
when I am marble
I will love you ever so.
When I am stone
and I don't grieve so-
I will love you evermore.
Sahn
5/7/15
May 7, 2015
May 7, 2015 at 7:37 PM UTC