#mh
venom leaks,
darkness seeps.
shadows flow in,
lone wallows.
blackness leeching on,
******* away remaining light.
in a world of pain,
one stability.
one peace.
one love.
alcohol.
1d ago
Jun 2, 2026 at 2:15 PM UTC
‘’i’m lying on my bed
with my phone settled
next to me; halfway
covered by my blanket
i hear the ping that just won’t stop
i see the messages full of excitement
but i can’t bring myself to
feel what you feel
to be as excited as you are
to be alike
‘’what r u up to 2day??’’
‘’wanna hangout??’’
‘’we should get froyo :)’’
‘’i miss u!!!!’’
i sigh
i pause
i shut my eyes
and i turn away
because we are not longer akin
no longer bonded
no longer similar
no longer same.’’
May 26
May 26, 2026 at 1:16 PM UTC
There’s a difference,
Between being sad,
And being depressed.
Sadness is a storm,
Loud, then gone.
Depression is a hurricane,
That learns your name.
And stays.
Mine did.
May 25
May 25, 2026 at 8:24 PM UTC
Vines grow in the corners of my mind,
Dragging memories I left behind.
Thoughts I buried, locked away,
Yet somehow they return each day.
Whether painful, filled with shame,
Or memories I cannot name,
My mind insists they stay alive,
Refusing to let me survive.
They started as little weeds,
Tiny roots and scattered seeds,
But now they’ve grown through all my thoughts,
Twisting through the battles fought.
Choking me
From the
Inside
Out.
May 24
May 24, 2026 at 7:08 PM UTC
There’s a light in my dreams
that won’t turn off.
Someone stands at the end
of a long hallway made of brightness,
calling me forward like they know my name.
I start walking.
Step by step, I follow the glow.
Halfway there—
I stop.
Something holds me still
like the air turned into hands.
“Come on!” they call.
“You’re running out of time!”
But I can’t move.
Because something in me knows—
it isn’t my time yet.
May 23
May 23, 2026 at 9:04 PM UTC
Why am I not satisfied?
I have all I want,
everything I need.
There are people
who have it worse than me,
so why do I still crave more?
Why am I craving time?
I think I’m running out of it.
I feel it slipping somewhere
beneath my skin,
though I am young
and everyone says
youth is endless.
So why do I ache
to see more?
Why do I ache
to be seen?
Maybe there is a hunger in me
that cannot be fed
by gratitude alone.
May 18
May 18, 2026 at 7:57 PM UTC
The words still live inside me,
I know they do.
I can feel them scratching at my ribs
like trapped birds,
desperate to be let out.
But every time I open the document,
the page stares back empty,
and suddenly every idea feels dull
before it even exists.
I used to write until 3 a.m.,
fingers aching,
thoughts pouring faster than I could catch them.
Stories felt alive back then.
Characters breathed beside me.
Now the cursor just blinks
like it’s waiting for someone
who never showed up.
I miss the version of me
who could turn pain into poetry,
who could build entire worlds
from a single sentence.
Now everything feels unfinished.
Half-written lines.
Abandoned chapters.
Titles without stories beneath them.
And maybe the worst part is
the ideas are still there.
I still imagine scenes in my head
while trying to fall asleep.
I still hear dialogue in passing conversations.
I still feel entire stories
sitting heavy in my chest.
I just don’t know
how to reach them anymore.
May 16
May 16, 2026 at 7:45 PM UTC
I keep looking for someone
in crowded rooms
in songs I’ve heard a thousand times
in the silence after everyone goes to sleep.
I think I miss somebody,
but every face I try to pin the feeling onto
slides away from me
like rain down a window.
Maybe it’s not a person at all.
Maybe it’s a version of myself
that existed for a moment
and never came back.
Maybe I miss laughing without thinking,
or waiting for a notification
from someone who used to know
every strange thing about me.
Maybe I miss the feeling
of being expected somewhere.
There’s an ache in me
with no name attached to it,
a ghost with blurred features
standing at the edge of my mind.
And somehow
the not knowing
hurts almost as much
as losing them.
May 16
May 16, 2026 at 7:38 PM UTC
I sink into the void
Peaceful
Quiet
The water wraps around my limbs
Peaceful
Quiet
I listen to the nothingness
Peaceful
Quiet
Everything’s so
Peaceful..
Quiet..
I open my eyes
Stressful
Draining
I’m back from the void
Stressful
Draining
I sit up in bed
Stressful
Draining
I lay back down because it’s so
Stressful..
Draining..
I close my eyes again
Peaceful
Quiet
I’m back in the safe place
Peaceful
Quiet
Nothing can hurt me
Peaceful
Quiet
The day ends
Peacefully quiet..
Then I open my eyes again…
Stressfully draining..
Apr 25
Apr 25, 2026 at 4:08 PM UTC
How can it be?
That we've come to desire
Something we ought to be afraid of?
Something we were once scared of,
Now haunting our dreams.
And our lives, it seems,
But can your life end if it hasn't begun?
Can you ever be whole again,
If you've already come undone?
Apr 20
Apr 20, 2026 at 3:08 PM UTC
What are we,
You love me, yet you’re with her.
You ignore her, come see me,
Its like a big secret,
I don't want it to be,
I want it to be us.
You say she needs you, i need you,
You say you help her, you help me survive.
I love you, do you really love me?
When people ask, its always ‘were not together yet’
When is yet, can yet be now?
I need you.
You say im yours, but whos is she?
I dont wanna be the other woman,
I wanna be your woman.
Jun 20, 2025
Jun 20, 2025 at 7:43 PM UTC
The last 5 years feel like a numb, confusing blur.
Like I laid myself to sleep for a while.
Like I needed to be dead to the world.
Then one day I suddenly awoke to a longing in my chest.
A feeling I couldn't fight.
A quickening of my breath.
The outside world shone through the cracks and my legs guided me straight outside.
Fresh socks on the grass of spring's early morning dew.
As it soaked through to my feet, I felt alive again.
But who am I now?
And who the hell do I want to be?
What just happened?
And what am I doing here?
I keep blinking to wake up but I'm finally awake.
It feels like I've forgotten everything, I'm trying to remember who I am again.
I've been playing Eurotruck Simulator for 2 days straight.
Mindless driving through virtual country roads.
I've jack-knifed my truck and need to pay the service toll.
Have to deliver this big bag of seed to Hamburg but I'm stuck in the middle of the road.
The traffics piling up and everyone's honking their horns.
This is way too much pressure.
“Don't Worry Baby” By the Beach Boy's plays softly in the background.
But in fact I'm very much worried.
Whether in my online trucking game or the real world it just never seizes.
All I asked for is a day where I'm not incapacitated by my own thoughts.
They're useless, nonsensical pesters that make everything go wrong.
Stupid worry gremlins with bells on their ankles.
The harder you try to ignore them, the louder they love to play.
Until your mind is an orchestra of gremlins beating their feet into your brain.
It's impossible to get anything done when they're dancing away.
What matters is I'm still trying my best.
I'm leaving the house again, changing my old routines.
I even went out past 7pm.
What a real rebel I'm becoming.
Breaking old boundaries takes time but false 'safety' doesn't serve me anymore.
I sat in the pub last week and finally felt 24.
Maybe I'm a little behind compared to everyone else.
But I managed to save my jack-knifed truck and ship the seed to Hamburg, everyone has their own strengths..
Jack of all trades.
Master of none.
But in Eurotruck Simulator I'm No1.
Mar 9, 2023
Mar 9, 2023 at 4:42 PM UTC
a leaf falls onto the bench,
completely mute. you pick
it up, begging it to make a sound.
i wonder why, it won't work wonders;
i wonder why, has it fallen down,
i wonder why, are we all
just leaves, now
on the ground?
Jul 5, 2021
Jul 5, 2021 at 2:59 PM UTC
Shouldn't be in public
Not fit for company
Won't remember names
Might interrupt, awkwardly
Failed attempts at humour
You must hate me
Failed attempts at flattery
Please don't hate me
Didn't mean to say that
Small talk breakdown
Why am I still talking
Self sabotage takedown
Why am I still here
I'm the absolute worst
This shouldn't be so painful
I wish I wasn't cursed
NCL May 2019
May 5, 2019
May 5, 2019 at 10:03 AM UTC
Anxiety knows the world is burning
Even if we can't see the flames
Anxiety knows predators are out there
Even if we don’t know their names
Anxiety knows bad luck happens
Simply unfortunate events lay claim
Anxiety knows less about statistics
And much about things that maim
NCL July 2019
Jul 20, 2019
Jul 20, 2019 at 5:48 PM UTC
A broken maze hides inside my mind;
Revelers rambling round never find
The end - lacking signposts or guides,
They tread eternities while the exit hides
From echoing clatter to blinding roar,
From gentle pitter-patter to take no more,
Crowds mill through in groups and pairs;
The walls vibrate, as do I downstairs
Food trucks ply their bountiful snacks
Feeding frenzy, launching scent attacks;
The noxious steam combines to rise,
Waft out, confound and desensitize
Enclosed in walls impossible to climb
Trapped all together in layered time
The revelers begin to sway and swerve
Blundering on networks of frayed nerve
With no path to success or even escape
The horde begins to push and scrape
The walls - tremble, creak, quiver, quake;
The maze, my mind, my universe - break
NCL August 2019
Aug 12, 2019
Aug 12, 2019 at 10:17 PM UTC
One foot in front of the other days
Long, slow and ponderous
Grey with clouds that rest
Heavy on my heart
And drag along behind
Apr 23, 2019
Apr 23, 2019 at 2:39 PM UTC
Wiggle out the worries
Until the sky is full of furies,
The what ifs and might be’s
Swirling on a tight breeze
Tease out all the tension
Into the third dimension
Gather all the strands
Braided into supple bands
Navigate the nerves
Know their subtle curves
Tie each to a tension line
Watch the cords intertwine
Into a net, thrown in the air
Capture all the worries there
Pull the strings, cinch the net
What a fine price you'll get
NCL July 2019
Jul 29, 2019
Jul 29, 2019 at 1:26 PM UTC
Lucifer was my first lover,
Now I have a twisted fantasy seeping darkness into my head.
I can no longer grow brain cells but I can now grow horns.
Splitting out ot my skull like thorns from a branch.
There's dried blood dripping down the crown of forehead again.
Dancing with the devil is child's play.
He's wrapped a chain around my neck.
Belts upon my arms, ties around my legs.
I'm fully undressed and unholy.
Light the circular fire while I become my purest form.
Lay me on dirt while the embers silhouette around me.
I'm burning like amber, illuminating the nights sky.
This is a ritual, I can take it. I'm not human, I'm reborn.
Mephistopheles' forked tongue spits gasoline over pale skin.
Imp's are beating on drums as the ceremony begins.
Sacrifice me, I am the chosen one.
Beat me until I believe.
Face down in damp soil I'm a mural against the green.
The mausoleum next to me will guide my spirit where it needs to be.
Lily-livered eyes cremate excervasion into my flesh.
Taloned hands drag my body to the crypt.
Bathe me in others as unfortunate as me,
Then dress me in Ivy so those in the underworld can see:
I'm the "Purest Form Of Innocence."
The one who was once "Me" has finally become "We."
The Archfiend tells me to kneel and I obey his every command.
Falexn eyes control me to undress myself once again.
" Filia Diaboli" He calls me as he places his hands on my head.
I feel my body ascend through the dirt I used to lay.
And when I open my fawn eyes, I'm in the real world once again.
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 7:47 PM UTC
I am so much more than I ever expected to be
Despite drowning in this insufficiency
A chorus of deafening inadequacy
Proving myself and others wrong,
So deliciously
I never expected to be so far
I expected to be much farther
I never expected to be alive
I expected to be demising
I know I’ve hurt
I know I’ve broken others
I know I’ve bruised
I know I’ve used others
Regretful I suppose
No
Just reactionary behavior
And I have succumbed to my darkest depths
Though they have never won
And I have fallen back 12 steps
Yet still, I scale the rungs
So when I say “I’ve given up”
Never do believe me
I am capable of getting up
Love, I’m just that crazy.
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 8:33 PM UTC
Sometimes I feel like it's all just a game in my head.
I go from moments of intense emotion
to nothingness,
and when I finally feel okay
the cycle starts all over again.
And I can't keep these lightning shifts
to myself,
so I end up ruining everything
and everyone else.
And even when I recognize the behavior,
it shifts to a seemingly more innocent danger.
I can't help it,
and I can't victimize,
so I'll just make everyone hate me
so I'll just make everything die.
Aug 28, 2017
Aug 28, 2017 at 5:32 PM UTC
Take me, Satan, for I have sinned.
I fell down on the job, fell down on my sword
but with no real purpose or cause. A martyr
for the sake of martyrdom is as useful as a
parka in Mexico.
Slit my wrists with a freeform kiss.
Cracked teeth, cracked skull, saltine crackers.
Counting calories, skipping meals.
Did it hurt to ascend from hell, and
how did you wash away
the grime?
I want to believe that you love me
but the world is unkind.
I need a shot of reassurance like a shot of
eighteen year old scotch, neat.
Rapid fire rejection, thunderstorms
of doubt. **** me with a smile. Rebuild
my psyche, brick by brick. Mortar me,
babe, and I'll adore you for it.
Melt into my mind and live there,
the mice who currently occupy
the quarters are hungry for
touch.
Ride my metaphor like
a throbbing **** longing for
release; please, release me.
Oct 8, 2014
Oct 8, 2014 at 5:02 PM UTC
I feel the pressure to create bearing down on my skull like a claw hammer. I am not a conquest. And no, I will not be your conquest (yes, you). I am me: flawed and imperfect but somehow still here. Fighting through the misery with Marlboros and earl grey. Bone broke, broken bones; a metaphor for broken imagery, a torn imagination soaked in ***** and blood. Would you still love me if I threw myself down a flight of stairs? Two for one pain, buy one dose, get one free. Ragged breathing, lace collars, four inch pumps and a plastered on lipstick smile.
Oct 8, 2014
Oct 8, 2014 at 3:00 PM UTC