#maladaptivedaydreaming
The ceiling is the first thing I see.
No noise, just the realization that I'm..still here? I'm 17 and I've already built a world for myself, but in this house, that doesn't matter. I'm treated like a child who doesn't know any better, Stuck under the rules that ignore the person I actually am.
The sequence of expectations. Get to school, chores, make it another day. It's not the work that's hard-I can handle it-- It's just the numbing rhythm of it... It's the background noise to a life that feels like it's on repeat. I'm moving through motions in a house full of people I truly love, but I am completely, utterly alone.
I know what I need to do, The GED is out there like a door I'm supposed to walk through. I tell myself today is the day I'll start, Today is the day I'll make that move that changes everything. I have the goal, I have the vision, but when its time to act, I'm frozen.
The weekend hits and the silence is heavy, I should be reaching for that better life, but instead, I drown, I sink into the vivid, bright world in my head because in there, I'm actually living.
Out here, I'm just a sack of meat starring at the wall, watching my own time slip away while I stay perfectly still but Hey, there's a talent... Watching my life go by, wishing things could get better, setting approachable goals, but yet, I'm nothing but an open promise.
It's a specific kind of hurt-- being old enough to have goals and a past, but being forced into a role that feels too small. I'm stuck in the gap between the person I know I am and the version of me they see. It's a long, quiet ache, I am aware of the waste, and still. I do nothing.
Apr 15
Apr 15, 2026 at 9:21 AM UTC
Lately, my mind has been drifting away from reality
Away from the harsh, cold horrors we are forced to bear
Into a place inside my mind where I can create little, wonderful worlds
Inside these little worlds, every dream I have ever dreamt can freely flourish
They shape, and form, growing as they slowly start to take up the space inside my mind
I don’t even notice it until my thoughts are entirely consumed by my fantasies
And, at first, it feels beautiful
I am no longer limited by reality and its painful truths that one must endure
I play with my imaginary characters for hours on end, we dance and we play
There’s nowhere else I would rather be besides here, as in my little worlds, I am truly free
Or, is that actually the truth?
I watch as other people, real people, move on throughout their lives whilst I do nothing
I only spend my time with my little worlds now, no longer caring about my real friends or family
I can’t do anything else besides daydream anymore, constantly seeking it as a way to escape
I am now drowning in what I once thought was a wonderful thing but is now turning out to be a living hell
Originally, I thought I had complete control over my little worlds
I could shape out what I wanted it to be and play out what I wanted to happen
Though, the truth was, these little worlds were actually controlling me
It feels like I am paralyzed, unable to do anything
I watch as time passes by and people pass by, whilst I remain
It feels like I am in a prison inside of my own mind, how torturous it is
I know that I have an entire life outside of my mind and no matter how much I wish or try to reach it, I always end up crawling back to the little worlds that have always brought me so much comfort
And now over time, I have realised my little worlds inside my head were never a good thing
They only existed to help me cope with how unhappy my current, real life was
And, at the end of the day, even though I might feel free and happy in my little worlds, I will always be brought back to my same, cold, empty room where my fantasies completely shatter in the face of reality
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 1:12 PM UTC
A whole world at my fingertips
Mine to create and explore
To fill with people and cultures
To bloom from nothingness
Mine to take care of
Mine to destroy
Mine to avenge
Mine to protect
Mine to adore
I have sought love and found it a million times
Lived happily-ever-afters for millennium
I have crafted worlds where everything is perfect
And worlds where it doesn't matter that it's not
Boredom and loneliness are things of the past
For in this place I have all that I need:
A
Home
A dimension
A grand adventure
A sanctuary for my soul
A place where I can finally belong
I live two lives:
My life there
And my life here
Here, in reality
Dull, plain reality
Where I am Cursed
And love skillfully evades me
Where my happily-ever-after taunts me just out of reach
Where there is pain and danger
But without the promise of love and adventure
Sometimes I wish I could stay
Stay in my world
But I could never pick just one
One Para or character to become
Because I love them all
One world to inhabit
Because they are all so wonderful
And good things wait for me
On the other side of the Metamorphosis
One day, everything will be great
We will always Triumph
Alii Semper Vincemus!
And my worlds will always be there for me
I will always have my power: to go wherever I please outside the realm of reality
Someday, I'll share my power with the world
But for now it is my sanctuary
My one reprieve
Nothing
Can ever make me give it up
Feb 18, 2025
Feb 18, 2025 at 10:08 PM UTC
One,
two, three,
Steps as I
Pace across the
Hard, tile hall-way
Making sure to keep beat.
My feet thud softly in step
with the music in my earbuds.
My hands whirl with the music quickly.
People are staring, but I don't notice,
Because I am not pacing inside my head.
In my brain, I am somewhere different and safe.
I'm not pacing with the music; I AM the music.
It seeps inside every part of my soul, heart, and being.
I grin with pure excitement as I spin in another world.
Jan 5, 2025
Jan 5, 2025 at 4:53 PM UTC
Welcome to Wonderland!
Alice looks around and decides she wants to stay a while.
Inside her brain, she can be
whatever she wants.
Inside her brain, her pain no longer exists,
and she is no longer Alice, but someone
better.
As she stares into space, she journeys deep inside her mind until she finds something new
and entirely perfect.
She found somewhere worth staying.
As she developed this new world
and her lovely characters,
paras,
she stayed for longer and longer
and was never bored again.
On the contrary, she was
happy.
Happier than she had ever been in reality.
So she wondered to herself,
Why
Leave?
But her Wonderland came at a price.
Dissociation was her plague as she fought to stay present
in what was once her reality.
As returning to her body became harder and harder,
Alice gave up trying
to fight the daydreams as they
crowded
her
mind,
leaving room for
nothing
else.
But it didn't matter.
Because in Wonderland,
Alice was content
free
loved.
She belonged.
She accepted her insanity as
beautiful.
And chose Wonderland as her home.
Everyone warned her of its dangers.
Tried to keep her
in their nightmare
reality.
But Alice vowed to
never
turn
back
as she embraced
her Wonderland
Jan 2, 2025
Jan 2, 2025 at 8:09 PM UTC
I submerge myself
In the unreal.
I breathe it in
Pretending it’s air.
It fills my nose
My mouth
My lungs.
Too lost in ecstasy
To know I’m drowning.
And when I break
The surface
It sends pins and needles
Through my brain.
So I sink back
Slowly, just slowly
Letting it envelop me
The descent, a deadly comfort.
Jan 3, 2024
Jan 3, 2024 at 12:58 PM UTC
Isn't it messed up
The way I only feel like somebody
The only time I truly feel real
Is when I'm someone else
In a daydream that never ends
The concept of me, of now
Is so far and distant
It echos from somewhere deep inside me
Somewhere I can't find
Somewhere I don't look
How can I do or be what's expected of me
When that person doesn't exist
How can I be the perfect child
When the only freedom I've ever known
Is when I lock myself in my minds cage?
How can I comfort someone
When all I know are phantom hugs?
How do I feel success
When every accomplishment I've achieved
Has never been enough?
What future do I look to
When all my dreams are trampled on
By people who can't see what I do, but know better
Why is life only worth living
When I block it out with make-believe?
Mar 5, 2021
Mar 5, 2021 at 3:45 AM UTC
I feel captive, hostage, trapped and bound
Within the corners of my own mind
Deep within my skin
I feel like there is no exit sign, no escape, no doors or windows
But I feel so free
Like I can be, do, see or say anything at all
I push everything aside
Tell my heart and mind that I don't feel a thing
I turn my senses off and I escape
I go where no one else can see
I know people I've never met
And I've been places no ones dreamt
But I can't help it
I can't turn it off
I can't escape when I dissociate
I am a prisoner inside my mind
I've been hurt and this is how I cope
But I don't feel anything
I only feel the feelings of someone I am not
Someone I can never be
I have memories of someone foreign living in my skin
But I can't help it
I need to leave, pause, reset and breath
I can escape when I dissociate
Feb 9, 2021
Feb 9, 2021 at 8:24 PM UTC
I want to take your hand
walk together on the oceans shore till dusk
hike along the mountainside to see the sunrise
I don't want to be alone
So I'll take you with me where I go
I want to take your hand
But it's not there for me
All I have is the memory
I don't want to be alone
So i'll take it with me where I go
I want to turn back time
I'll make things right
till there's no sorrow left
I'll keep you captive in my dreams
When I slip away inside my head
I don't like to be alone
So i'll keep you right here by my side
I want to take your hand
But it's not there for me
All I have is make believe
I don't want to be alone
So I'll stay like this inside my mind
I'm like a hostage in my skin
All the feelings
If I keep them deep within
If I stay quiet like a doll
Will you take my hand
Will you stay like this by my side?
I don't want to be alone
So I'll treat my heart just like a stone
All I have are memories of false realities
I don't want to be alone
So I'll treat myself just like a stone
Feb 9, 2021
Feb 9, 2021 at 8:10 PM UTC
You only had to leave me alone.
Leave me alone,
Just go!
I don't want you to go.
I just want you to really be here with me,
Except you can't be.
And that means you should leave me.
Don't go...
Sep 28, 2017
Sep 28, 2017 at 11:49 AM UTC
I'm trying to stop
Although kind of, I'm not.
I might want to feel okay today,
Reliving through ways,
It's not harmful they say.
Hiding in your mind until it's okay to come outside
Just for a few seconds at a time,
Yeah I'm sure you think that's fine.
I daydream about living a normal life,
Dramatic yes, but it's what I decide
Even if I don't want it.
I don't want someone I love most to die.
Sometimes I wonder if I can do it,
Stop it.
No don't say that too,
You don't understand it.
If I want something like this falsity I'm immersed in
Then I'll have to live outside of it.
You think it's so easy,
You think it's all right
To keep it
And no I won't give it up -
That's not something that's possible,
It's not something I'm capable truly to fight.
Nothing is ever enough.
I give myself what I want
And what I would hate most:
They are mixed together
But if you wake up in my reality,
Much of that you will not see.
Sep 2, 2017
Sep 2, 2017 at 8:02 PM UTC
Take me where the sun shines so bright
The shadows are gone
But the light doesn't burn
Take me where the breeze is speckled with laughter
But not one chuckle is pretence
Take me where I can run without being chased,
Fly without falling
And sing without crying.
Take me.
Please.
It's Grey here.
Jun 18, 2017
Jun 18, 2017 at 6:52 AM UTC
It hurts sometimes
It screams inside
Is this pain really mine?
It clenches together in my insides
Making me dream, wishing for a better time.
I'll do just fine
That's always my line.
If something's not there
You're supposed to bring yourself to it,
But what can I seek
when whatever I need
ceases to exist out of my mind?
They say my reckless head helps me,
I tell myself I can use it to encourage myself,
But still it hurts me all the same.
You see, I use it to give what I haven't got
It's of no use because it kills with a slightly stronger dose.
I can try to forget
It can't last long,
Nothing's supposed to be pain free.
However there's other things
I just can't be bothered to feel,
And if I almost do I just stop:
Because they're not the most important;
They don't come back day by day,
Just to join me in the night.
I never had a "daddy" to sing a lullaby.
For years I didn't want one,
Half convinced still I wasn't missing out,
Yet now it's starting to hurt
Then I realise I'll never find my soulmate.
The percentage isn't in my favour,
How could it ever be?
How do you find your one person
out of 7.5 billion?
If I can't have a father,
how could I get an eternal partner?
Lacking strengthens my need,
For that perfect guy in my head to love me.
He's not here though,
And he never will be,
Tough as it is, I'll never be away from him.
Lack creates need,
tries to make up for things:
This is how it feels when you can't fill either gap.
Spaces are filled by made up places.
Spaces are areas without meaning,
Places are of meaning or association, unempty.
The space is one half of a non-existing f a m i l y.
My place is where I can have a future boyfriend made of better things.
My reckless head
Is supposed to give hope and safety,
Shelter me from reality.
My reckless head
Don't they know it breaks me,
To dream of things
That can never be?
Spaces are there.
Places are put there.
Needed
Unwanted
Despair
Desired
Anyone else there?
Is there a difference that you see?
All my minor sorrows seem the same to me.
Jun 3, 2017
Jun 3, 2017 at 8:31 PM UTC
Those demonic thoughts and feelings
Were suffocating me in bed last night.
I tried to bring you back to me
And told you never to go,
I whimpered that you can never leave me.
The only problem is that you were never there
Because you only exist in my maladaptive daydreams.
May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 at 2:54 PM UTC
Inside me something's screaming.
No, I'm screaming.
It's telling me I'm insane.
It's telling me to stop.
To change and act normal.
I'll try to distract myself,
But really I'm not.
It's still there.
The abnormal me is still there.
Suddenly I've found there's a word.
I'm pretty sure it fits.
I'm not sure that I'm not even more outrageous,
But just trying to make the wrong puzzle piece fit.
Wanting to continue,
But wanting it to end.
I want to live my life.
Not be buried in this made up mess.
My made up mess.
Skylar Grey says "you can't haunt me"
Well this already is.
I'd love to say I won't let you in,
I will win,
But that's not what I'm doing.
It's comfort and pain.
At least I know it's real.
That I'm not the only one.
However I'm still stuck here like this.
Would I rather be numb?
In the articles I read:
"Sometimes painfully aware."
Yeah, it's really painful right now.
Because I know that I'm imagining,
And that's not what people do.
I've always tried to prove I'm normal.
Now it feels as if the whole world has slapped me in the face.
Repeatedly.
And this won't be the end.
They'll find more things to bother me with.
And I'm just not meant to care!
You could say this is getting interesting,
But I'm not sure what else the world could have to share;
About "me".
Well they clearly don't know anything.
That's what I hope.
It's also what I know is false.
Jul 26, 2015
Jul 26, 2015 at 12:54 PM UTC
Monsters crawl in the dark crevices in my brain.
Let me go! Leave!
I'm so tired!
Do you know what it's like reader?
Your eyes scan these words but do you understand?
Young girl, boy, old woman, man, do you?
I wish I knew if you could relate.
Do you know what it's like to exist in a world that doesn't exist.
The real world is just outside but I can't escape my own.
Monsters are everywhere.
Seeping in, scratching at my door.
I let them in every time.
They simply tell me to.
I can't escape..
I want all thoughts to leave my mind and let me be.
I want to go back and not be so alone.
I felt so alone.
That is why I created the monsters.
Only to keep me company.
I was a lonely child.
Everyday I would wake alone.
Every night I would sleep alone.
I was alone.
I was a lonely child.
Loneliness in turn raised me.
It nurtured the monsters.
The monsters shaped me.
I wish I could go back and not be alone.
Loneliness is deadly.
I was lonely for too long.
I was lonely for too long.
Apr 21, 2015
Apr 21, 2015 at 3:21 PM UTC