#maladaptive
Lately, my mind has been drifting away from reality
Away from the harsh, cold horrors we are forced to bear
Into a place inside my mind where I can create little, wonderful worlds
Inside these little worlds, every dream I have ever dreamt can freely flourish
They shape, and form, growing as they slowly start to take up the space inside my mind
I don’t even notice it until my thoughts are entirely consumed by my fantasies
And, at first, it feels beautiful
I am no longer limited by reality and its painful truths that one must endure
I play with my imaginary characters for hours on end, we dance and we play
There’s nowhere else I would rather be besides here, as in my little worlds, I am truly free
Or, is that actually the truth?
I watch as other people, real people, move on throughout their lives whilst I do nothing
I only spend my time with my little worlds now, no longer caring about my real friends or family
I can’t do anything else besides daydream anymore, constantly seeking it as a way to escape
I am now drowning in what I once thought was a wonderful thing but is now turning out to be a living hell
Originally, I thought I had complete control over my little worlds
I could shape out what I wanted it to be and play out what I wanted to happen
Though, the truth was, these little worlds were actually controlling me
It feels like I am paralyzed, unable to do anything
I watch as time passes by and people pass by, whilst I remain
It feels like I am in a prison inside of my own mind, how torturous it is
I know that I have an entire life outside of my mind and no matter how much I wish or try to reach it, I always end up crawling back to the little worlds that have always brought me so much comfort
And now over time, I have realised my little worlds inside my head were never a good thing
They only existed to help me cope with how unhappy my current, real life was
And, at the end of the day, even though I might feel free and happy in my little worlds, I will always be brought back to my same, cold, empty room where my fantasies completely shatter in the face of reality
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 1:12 PM UTC
I live
In false reality,
So they say.
A world of 'nonsense'
And 'immature play'.
A world where one
Cannot be torn.
No heart to break,
Nobody to mourn.
For here I lay
On my bed,
To breathe.
Creating a creation,
Only known to me.
As Stars and moon
Begin to shine.
Through world of wonder,
That is only mine.
And this little truth,
Is truly divine.
Nov 28, 2023
Nov 28, 2023 at 12:01 PM UTC
I’ve gone over tiktok, then instagram, then tiktok then
facebook and no sign
no sign of you, this is odd that you would
after a year of dumping me with no contact,
saying you are happy with her,
that you’d stay gone, today as well.
Oh I know .
I know one does not love like I love if one
has not got damage, you feel so sweet in my
head; in real life, I might push you
away, in here you are mine, forehead pressed
to me, mine, I keep
your heart in the palm
of my hands, like
a baby bird, I keep it
gently, I could
break its bones
real easy, I would
never,
in real life you hold my head,
a sickly child all over
again, I cannot
hide my eyes and pretend
I am invisible like I did
then, I know
you have seen me, you have seen me
and you will not say the words;
when you do not
speak them, I want to die, you
call me friend, in real
life you frighten, you
do not want me, or that’s
not what you said, you said
you want me but
can’t choose me over her, said
you were happy, now here
I am, here, it’s been so long
you’ve crushed it and still,
somehow it
pumps, I
dreamed briefly of
crashing into rocks
instead of you, not
for you, for men,
all lovers betray,
I still have the note,
sits hollow and quiet, in
my google docs, IN CASE
I **** MYSELF, I edit it
sometimes, add people, it's
in comic sans, just to
**** with you all,
but days like today I imagine
I imagine you and forget you are
not coming back ever,
ever, not as a friend,
not as a lover, not
ever
not coming back, ever
I watch videos of me imagining
your reaction,
look at angel numbers, google the meaning, and
twin flames,
when there’s nothing to hold on to -
I invent it. I hate that I am like this,
it’s why I survived.
I hate that I am like this,
how I love you is not
normal, one should
not love like this, It's
okay, I just need
to **** the hope, I need
to make the hope stop.
Mar 21, 2023
Mar 21, 2023 at 2:49 AM UTC
Don't imagine what it's like to be with me
Because I'm not an easy person to be with
I will tell you I won't cheat
But you will think I am lieing
I will not make you feel secure
Because when you ask me about my day
Or why I dropped off the face of the earth for hours on end
I will tell you I don't remember
And I'm only partially lieing
because I don't want to tell you that my mind was in the clouds and the characters in my head i find more important than you
But don't take this personally because I don't find many in reality more important than the people I dream up
So while you assume I'm cheating I'm digging craters in my bedroom floor pacing around my room talking to myself
But I'll tell you I don't remember
Because that's so much easier than explaining the turmoil going on in my brain
Dec 9, 2021
Dec 9, 2021 at 11:29 PM UTC
I joined a support group,
Like I told myself to.
We lurk in the shadows of the evening.
If you glance around the circle,
You can tell each person’s real age by what they say,
Like the rings in their throats.
While they uncomfortably clear their throats.
And it’s so,
Unfathomably depressing,
To sit there and think,
Is this all life is?
The hot glare of the sunlight,
Enveloping your shoulders and it’s uncomfortable.
And it's your turn,
And you do exactly what you’re trying to stop,
Run face first into the calm of the storm,
Pleading, like a lost son,
Take me.
And she takes you back, like she always does.
And you get up and leave.
Apr 7, 2021
Apr 7, 2021 at 3:13 PM UTC
We embraced each other,
Holding on as if we had survived the revelation.
Celebration and wishes,
Scattered across your dress.
Sweet alyssum flowers,
Pinned up in my hair.
And you laughed,
And I cried,
And the band played in D minor.
Faith like utter lunacy.
All this, and more,
I dreamt with dew on the window,
So tired of dreaming.
And you walked away,
As I assured you I’d be fine.
That recovery was in my grasp.
Spoiler alert.
Apr 6, 2021
Apr 6, 2021 at 8:34 PM UTC
silent poet thinking words,
never i must write
lucid wretched loving words
all bark and half the bite
silent poet thinking thoughts
the ink refused to make
mind and pen are separate
an unyeilding opaque
if i tell the tale to you
of love and praise and good
you'd laugh and laugh and laugh some more
naive misunderstood
my mind a chasm of infinite good
the world dichotomous strange
the vines do seize me gently
to a velvet padded cage
my head is a bed of roses
the thorns pierce me not
i am safe and free and happy
delusional, deep in thought
**** me softly
make me smile
your intoxicating
rapt exile
silent poet thinking thoughts
writes symphonies in his head
the writer and the audience
will dance until they're dead
silent poet thinking words
is struck by stockholm syndrome
perfect captor perfect world
illusion is his home
Apr 4, 2021
Apr 4, 2021 at 6:06 AM UTC
Lusting lies
Soulful cries
It was not in the book
I made it up in my mind
Jul 18, 2020
Jul 18, 2020 at 10:45 AM UTC
Tell me not to speak
But I never seem to listen,
I make the same mistakes and the same mistakes, I guess hoping I am forgiven.
I should have been quiet,
I should have obeyed what I always remember,
That I should keep it to myself and pretend everything’s hidden.
Imagine myself losing my mind,
I think half the feelings are real,
But not to breaking point:
(Even if I want to) I’m not screaming at the walls,
I’m not crying all day,
I’m not trying to get through to them whilst acting insane.
Multiple times I’ve told myself,
To pretend I never think of this,
Maybe they’ll forget, think you’ve slipped out of it.
I was never someone who didn’t express,
But now it’s always failing;
Few things I need and am not getting.
May 22, 2020
May 22, 2020 at 8:29 PM UTC
Where are you?
You’re not coming are you?
It’s okay,
I always knew you wouldn’t.
It’s just, there’s this stupid,
Childish
Part of me that likes to fantasise.
She knows you’re no good for her really,
But she imagines it’s all make-believe,
She captures her wildest, strangest dreams
And forges them into some kind of reality.
It’s sick though,
Because that little girl;
You can do anything to her
(Anything at all),
And guess what?
She’ll always forgive you.
She has it stuck in her head,
That she always needs to try again:
It’s as if she owes them all,
Even though she’s the one who took the fall.
I don’t know why she’s still here though,
Waiting.
She doesn’t want you anyway.
She could find herself someone much better to love,
Someone who’s worthy and won’t leave her
Before they had the chance to stay.
Then again,
That’s also just another twisted hopeful dream.
Apr 24, 2019
Apr 24, 2019 at 6:18 PM UTC
The maladaptive is attractive to those like me
Isn't there a world where you'd rather be
Hours of daydreams at the expense of living
Is worth it for a world more solvable and forgiving
Infection, hiding scars, and makeshift bandages
Are worth it for the focus and the high's advantages
Anonymous self depreciation like a digital confession
Is worth it for hiding my distracted depression
Wandering around with thoughts of the end
Before I start to face down what's going on in my head
Nov 26, 2018
Nov 26, 2018 at 11:40 PM UTC
"I can't read you my poetry,"
I say completely astonished:
"That's what confident people do,"
I hear myself say to an empty room.
("Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, the second one is looking for it")
Should I start to feel ashamed?
Because when people tell me I'm not confident now,
I want to scream that they're to blame,
And not for my so called "lack of self-confidence", only for their lies:
Because, I can be very confident sometimes,
I just probably won't tell you about it,
I don't want you to know,
If you thought I was so sure of myself, then that would make me low.
(I'm not speaking to myself though,
I'm simply conversing with people that you don't know are there,
And that's okay because,
I only do it noticeably when I'm alone.
They may not be real, but they exist to me,
Even more so than you and I.)
And yes, I know, that I have my moments;
I know what that feels like;
To question yourself and be convinced that
You're doing everything wrong,
I've had way too many times to recount to you,
But I also know, many occasions where I've secretly taken control back,
Where deep down, I know that I am kind of okay,
And I don't appreciate you questioning that,
Unless that's what I'm purposely trying to make you do.
-And maybe I'm slowly starting to ascertain, or wonder
That it's actually a bit manipulative,
And the fact I do it to make myself feel better
Is kind of messed up,
But honestly? It didn't seem like that when I did it,
I thought it was natural to be self-protective.
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 3:39 AM UTC
With the same pen and paper as the last love letter I wrote, I now write this.
PREAMBLE:
Everyday he'll suffer in silence and I'll be content with the thought. The same hand that wrote loving words is the same hand that brought tears to his eyes.
Over betrayal and deceit hidden in plain view with a longing of decadence and validation.
BODY:
He choose carefully, or so he thought - the wounded of the flock.
But he knew...somehow that I was different.
Unable to be read like a simple book, I am that of an enigma to most, alluring to others.
I could have loved that side of him -- the part unrestrained by persona. The damaged part, carefully tucked away.
But the beast must be fed by the tears of the innocent,
a pervasive pattern of loving women he made love him back.
He fed his soul with their sadness.
For he deceived them for proof of love and in it, he destroyed himself.
Day by day, he'll look at me and realize, like the last - he was wrong.
That someone had cared and someone was hurt, and that was not I.
And I am grateful -
for not loving a traitor.
To his own cause or mine.
Because every time he looks for validation in the tears of others.
I will not be there
and he will not find me.
Aug 14, 2018
Aug 14, 2018 at 7:06 PM UTC
Truth be told
I'm terrorised with fear,
Because I'm not about to get a father,
I know I'll get a nightmare.
I don't want to enter the place, again,
Where I wish I could go back to my dreams,
To try to make it all better,
Because the reality will be painfully in front of me
And I'll never be able to make it disappear.
Jul 3, 2018
Jul 3, 2018 at 12:08 AM UTC
Supervening once again,
I'm agitated, unsettled,
Suspecting to be taken by it:
The madness, insanity, instability
But -
Mostly just the hurt,
And wonder, discomfort from the lacking.
It steals me
Yet I can never take ahold of it,
It leaves me confused, crying and abandoned once more,
It never resists,
Success this has against me
As I am held hostage.
Where am I?
In my mind which I can't empty.
I guess at least,
This way I'm inflicting this sorrow on myself,
So in a twisted way I'm in control,
Except I'm not:
Because I don't always want to run and hide -
Well actually I do, most of the time,
But I want this to be true
Or to be capable of staying in reality.
What I'm doing is a messed up thing,
Because whilst escaping real life I bring those painful situations,
Back into my world of comfort,
Just so I can battle with them some more.
If this is some type of war,
I think I'll die fighting,
And no one will be winning,
As I'm the only enemy.
Jul 1, 2018
Jul 1, 2018 at 7:01 PM UTC
"I must admit I've really missed you."
She whispers, speaking to her imagination.
A lonely room, a quiet girl
And a world full of wonderland.
"Why can't you be here, please?" She sobs secretly into her pillow,
Tempted to ask God if the sorrow will ever end,
Will it go away?
Her nightly prayers she saves for other questions.
"I really need you." She confesses,
But she's talking to herself.
Jun 26, 2018
Jun 26, 2018 at 9:17 PM UTC
I feel it's pull again,
Like gravity I can't avoid it,
Do I gather my defences,
Attempt to make the peace last a little longer?
Only if I forget something:
That this is my defence
Yet it never needs a reason to grasp me,
Making me crumble under its fix.
Slowly? I ask,
Just one more breath lasting in reality?
Slowly? - gone.
And I won't be coming back for as long as
The storm inside my head lasts.
The truth about this is,
It doesn't like being ignored.
I could try to distract myself,
Only it would never be successful
Once it's on it's way it won't leave you,
Not until it's satisfied and
You're weeping all alone,
Because all that's just happened to you
Is nothing to anyone at all.
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 6:22 PM UTC
My mind's full of thoughts
I don't want.
Sequences, images of things
I can never have.
It's not about fantasizing about a better life
before you get to sleep.
It's about dissociating from reality
and excessively gritting your teeth.
You want and try to stop
but in a few seconds
you find yourself lost.
I can't remember when did it all begin,
probably way back before I was even a teen.
I want to cut my skin open and get out of my body, leave behind this broken mind.
It smothers me, it takes me to the edge,
it's eating me alive.
I'm losing it. Oh, I'm losing myself.
I don't want a way out, I want to be dead.
As I write this I'm imagining things.
Stop! Someone, rescue me!
I'm losing it.
Can I go crazy? I think I will.
I'll **** myself before it ends me.
I'm losing it.
Apr 13, 2018
Apr 13, 2018 at 2:24 PM UTC
It's so hard when you've been hiding
to come out of it again.
You can't do it
You can't do it
You can't do it,
But you've done it before so no one cares.
Somehow you'll push through it and suddenly you've added it once more,
Realistically they know that you'll do it again,
But this isn't realistic because it's about the imaginary.
You build yourself a home,
And tell yourself it's safe,
Then you disappear there for most waking hours of the day,
Then you have breaks from school when you should do revision and work,
You want to try so hard, so hard
Because you want to finally prove you can
You can be smart.
But you can't pull away from this,
You're trapped inside and you want to stay there,
The world keeps screaming at you that you're doing it all wrong.
You already know that but you keep going along;
It's that way or no way;
The world won't let you stop
No matter how hard you beg.
The home you've devised by yourself
Is filled with what you want and things you're scared of,
People you love so arduously
Yet continue absently,
Catastrophic events that break your heart
Even though they never came to be.
So you're screaming at the real walls surrounding you
Back in the harsh reality where nothing's as you want it,
Crying out that you want them here with you;
That it's the only way you'll get through;
Your whole world depends on these stupid, dejected, lovely, astute
Daydreams.
And to everyone else you could attempt to explain this to,
That is all they are:
Daydreams.
When the only thing you want,
Is for them to be reality.
Jan 2, 2018
Jan 2, 2018 at 11:40 AM UTC
I see his face inside my head,
Scenes flash in front of me
And then I realise it's all just
Make-believe.
Dec 30, 2017
Dec 30, 2017 at 5:33 PM UTC
I'm thinking about making some 'to-do lists'
But you've already taken me.
I hope I can reclaim my once used productivity.
You mean everything to me,
Such as the whole universe with all its highlights
And none of its pain within a person,
It only could be you and you throw all of the negatives away.
When I need someone to catch me before I fall,
Hold my hand and assure me that I will never lose it all,
You're always here ready to save me
From my own self-destruction without ever calling me crazy.
Maybe you're the air I crave to breathe,
Invisible and somewhere that I can never be.
If I could have one wish come true for Christmas:
Then you would actually be my forever and all eternity,
In real life, not just a bittersweet dream.
Dec 30, 2017
Dec 30, 2017 at 5:09 PM UTC
Maybe one day you could come
And all this dimness, disaster and darkness could vanish.
I don't know what it is but only my mind can cure it,
Except imagination isn't real
And that's why I need you to turn up
And steal
All the things wrong with me;
All the feelings I'm not supposed to feel;
The ones I don't know I feel,
And replace them with ones I used to hope I'll one day feel.
Eventually, will you be here?
If I think hard enough,
Pray all night long,
Sacrifice myself to God,
Would you finally come to me?
Stand right in front of me and be you,
Just as I see right now?
I don't think I can live outside of you,
Please won't you live in my life too?
Nov 28, 2017
Nov 28, 2017 at 7:05 PM UTC
I'm trying to stop
Although kind of, I'm not.
I might want to feel okay today,
Reliving through ways,
It's not harmful they say.
Hiding in your mind until it's okay to come outside
Just for a few seconds at a time,
Yeah I'm sure you think that's fine.
I daydream about living a normal life,
Dramatic yes, but it's what I decide
Even if I don't want it.
I don't want someone I love most to die.
Sometimes I wonder if I can do it,
Stop it.
No don't say that too,
You don't understand it.
If I want something like this falsity I'm immersed in
Then I'll have to live outside of it.
You think it's so easy,
You think it's all right
To keep it
And no I won't give it up -
That's not something that's possible,
It's not something I'm capable truly to fight.
Nothing is ever enough.
I give myself what I want
And what I would hate most:
They are mixed together
But if you wake up in my reality,
Much of that you will not see.
Sep 2, 2017
Sep 2, 2017 at 8:02 PM UTC