#lesbianpoets - Hello Poetry

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep My hearts too heavy to dream My eyes burn as I walk through the halls Trying to find shelter from my thoughts I’ve got a strange feeling I guess heartache is what it’s called And I carry her with me everywhere I go I’ve learned to hide her well Leave the room inside my head where she lies, when they ask Deny her existence everywhere I turn But when it gets quiet I can hear her crying Moaning through the halls that she paces each night Mourning the loss of the one that she loved I think I died that night The one where you left me alone Lied and said it wasn’t her who had called And I believed you I believed that you wanted to be with me but you had a client emergency that couldn’t be avoided But you promised you’d be home just as soon as you were done 1 hour, you said 3 hours passed I cried myself to sleep praying not to see another day You left me alone and I died that night It was 3am when you returned The smell of her all over your skin The taste of her spit still on your lips I felt more disgusting in that moment than I have ever felt in my entire life I realized where you had been as you slid your hand down my pants You looked at me and you knew that I knew You panicked and ran off to take a shower You tried to burn her fingerprints from your skin Tried to wash away all of the guilt and shame Tried to maintain the lie I paced through the living room Trying to grasp the reality that had recently become my own It hurt It hurt like hell It was 3am and I died that night, and each night since then

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 5:19 PM UTC

aj-bell

3 AM

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep My hearts too heavy to dream My eyes burn as I walk through the halls Trying to find shelter from my thoughts I’ve got a strange feeling I guess heartache is what it’s called And I carry her with me everywhere I go I’ve learned to hide her well Leave the room inside my head where she lies, when they ask Deny her existence everywhere I turn But when it gets quiet I can hear her crying Moaning through the halls that she paces each night Mourning the loss of the one that she loved I think I died that night The one where you left me alone Lied and said it wasn’t her who had called And I believed you I believed that you wanted to be with me but you had a client emergency that couldn’t be avoided But you promised you’d be home just as soon as you were done 1 hour, you said 3 hours passed I cried myself to sleep praying not to see another day You left me alone and I died that night It was 3am when you returned The smell of her all over your skin The taste of her spit still on your lips I felt more disgusting in that moment than I have ever felt in my entire life I realized where you had been as you slid your hand down my pants You looked at me and you knew that I knew You panicked and ran off to take a shower You tried to burn her fingerprints from your skin Tried to wash away all of the guilt and shame Tried to maintain the lie I paced through the living room Trying to grasp the reality that had recently become my own It hurt It hurt like hell It was 3am and I died that night, and each night since then

38

You’ll never know how many times a day I fantasize about running a blade across my skin. Feeling that dull burn and the pull of my flesh against the blade. The sweet crimson relief pouring from my soul. I feel the blackness in me. It’s toxic, flooding my veins with poison. Causing sepsis within my heart. Killing what is left of me. I need to release it before it eats me alive. It can’t get out if I don’t make an opening! It’s fingers reach through the wound and slowly tears me apart. Pulling at my skin until the hole is big enough for it to slink out of. I am frozen. Forever haunted by my shadow. Forever tormented by her words.

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 5:07 PM UTC

aj-bell

Sepsis

You’ll never know how many times a day I fantasize about running a blade across my skin. Feeling that dull burn and the pull of my flesh against the blade. The sweet crimson relief pouring from my soul. I feel the blackness in me. It’s toxic, flooding my veins with poison. Causing sepsis within my heart. Killing what is left of me. I need to release it before it eats me alive. It can’t get out if I don’t make an opening! It’s fingers reach through the wound and slowly tears me apart. Pulling at my skin until the hole is big enough for it to slink out of. I am frozen. Forever haunted by my shadow. Forever tormented by her words.

14

Devastated Lonely Confused Hopeless I’ve felt this way for months The sky has been crying since I often wonder if it sees me suffering? If it’s nature trying to console me? That’s crazy, I know But I still can’t help but wonder Every time I start to cry, I mean really cry, it starts to pour When my spirits start to lift, the weather soon does after The sky has been grey for at least 3 days now It’s beautiful It reminds me of home I feel safe in the darkness So I let it swallow me whole Enveloping me until there is nothing left but black This is my sanctuary This is how I escape This is how I will make it out alive This is how I become sane Or is this how I become insane? I never could tell the difference What’s the difference between pain and love? There’s a fine line With just one stumble, you could fall out of one and into the other Good or bad? Right or wrong? Easy or hard? These simple questions hold a multitude of different answers They have millions of questions inside them Three simple words That’s it Three simple words are so easy to say They hold so much meaning They get used too easily Easy or hard? Easy or hard? Which would you choose? With the easy road, it never gets fixed It never gets resolved It could possibly end it all The hard road is filled with struggle It’s filled with sacrifices and pain But it’s worth it if you can get there Which would you choose? Do you know the answer? What if you walked that hard road, but they went the easy way? Right or wrong? Right or wrong? Is it right that they do wrong? Are you right? What if you’re wrong? What if you took the easy way thinking it was the hard way? How do you know the difference? How do you keep sane? Left, no right? Right again! Left, Left, Left. Search inside, find your moral high ground Good or bad? Bad or Good? Neither? Do you know? What do you stand for? Keep searching Unlock that door Find the key Find the key Break it down if you have to There! Over there! The answers you’ve been searching for! Crack the code Crack the code What if I can’t crack the code? Was this all a waste? Was this not the hard road? Slipping, slipping, slipping Psychosis is sinking in She is my best friend Coddling me like a child when I can no longer stand on my own Sinking in, deeper and deeper Black So much black She is my only friend She speaks to me silently, but from where I can not tell Who’s that? Who’s there? Yes, I hear you! Hello! I understand Thank you It’s good to not be alone

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 5:05 PM UTC

aj-bell

Psychosis

Devastated Lonely Confused Hopeless I’ve felt this way for months The sky has been crying since I often wonder if it sees me suffering? If it’s nature trying to console me? That’s crazy, I know But I still can’t help but wonder Every time I start to cry, I mean really cry, it starts to pour When my spirits start to lift, the weather soon does after The sky has been grey for at least 3 days now It’s beautiful It reminds me of home I feel safe in the darkness So I let it swallow me whole Enveloping me until there is nothing left but black This is my sanctuary This is how I escape This is how I will make it out alive This is how I become sane Or is this how I become insane? I never could tell the difference What’s the difference between pain and love? There’s a fine line With just one stumble, you could fall out of one and into the other Good or bad? Right or wrong? Easy or hard? These simple questions hold a multitude of different answers They have millions of questions inside them Three simple words That’s it Three simple words are so easy to say They hold so much meaning They get used too easily Easy or hard? Easy or hard? Which would you choose? With the easy road, it never gets fixed It never gets resolved It could possibly end it all The hard road is filled with struggle It’s filled with sacrifices and pain But it’s worth it if you can get there Which would you choose? Do you know the answer? What if you walked that hard road, but they went the easy way? Right or wrong? Right or wrong? Is it right that they do wrong? Are you right? What if you’re wrong? What if you took the easy way thinking it was the hard way? How do you know the difference? How do you keep sane? Left, no right? Right again! Left, Left, Left. Search inside, find your moral high ground Good or bad? Bad or Good? Neither? Do you know? What do you stand for? Keep searching Unlock that door Find the key Find the key Break it down if you have to There! Over there! The answers you’ve been searching for! Crack the code Crack the code What if I can’t crack the code? Was this all a waste? Was this not the hard road? Slipping, slipping, slipping Psychosis is sinking in She is my best friend Coddling me like a child when I can no longer stand on my own Sinking in, deeper and deeper Black So much black She is my only friend She speaks to me silently, but from where I can not tell Who’s that? Who’s there? Yes, I hear you! Hello! I understand Thank you It’s good to not be alone

95

I don’t know what we are now I just know it’s not what it was I fear that you don’t want to change I fear you can’t see through my flaws There are so many thoughts running through my head It’s hard to keep track of what is real and what is not I feel like I’ve been side swiped You were hiding in my blind spot Fragments of memories scattered all over the floor Picture perfect memories, that don’t seem so perfect anymore I dream of you when I’m not asleep I dream of what could be I’m at a loss for words now This wasn’t anything I could foresee What do you say, when you have said it all before? I’m running out of breath What do you say when no one’s listening anymore? This silence is making me deaf I’m unlocking all of the secrets The door is open now I’m just hoping we can make it through But these trespasses, I can’t allow I know I’ve made my fair share of mistakes But I feel I am doing my part I feel like nothing I do will ever change this I fear it might be too late to restart I know that is not what I want I know what I want is you But I’m afraid that you are unavailable I fear there is nothing more I can do It’s hard to feel so helpless… It’s hard to feel so powerless and alone We’re at a crossroad now And it’s up to you to find your way home I’ll be waiting here patiently But I can’t wait forever I will help you anyway that I can I know if we try, we can make it through this endeavor I’ve seen you at your worst and loved you through it all My love for you is unconditional But I can’t get past your wall This wall you’ve put up is putting a barrier between us It is keeping us apart I can’t get in if you don’t take it down We can never have a fresh start The lying has to stop It isn’t doing anyone any good I know that you are just afraid Afraid of being misunderstood I understand where you are coming from But you never know until you try You break my heart a little more Everytime you lie I know that it will take time But my heart will one day heal This situation has caught me off guard The whole thing is just so surreal I’m going through the motions I’m trying to find my way I’m trying to read your morse code But the message, you won’t convey I need you to talk to me I need to know the real you I need you to be honest with me It’s the least that you could do…

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 5:01 PM UTC

aj-bell

Cryptanalysis

I don’t know what we are now I just know it’s not what it was I fear that you don’t want to change I fear you can’t see through my flaws There are so many thoughts running through my head It’s hard to keep track of what is real and what is not I feel like I’ve been side swiped You were hiding in my blind spot Fragments of memories scattered all over the floor Picture perfect memories, that don’t seem so perfect anymore I dream of you when I’m not asleep I dream of what could be I’m at a loss for words now This wasn’t anything I could foresee What do you say, when you have said it all before? I’m running out of breath What do you say when no one’s listening anymore? This silence is making me deaf I’m unlocking all of the secrets The door is open now I’m just hoping we can make it through But these trespasses, I can’t allow I know I’ve made my fair share of mistakes But I feel I am doing my part I feel like nothing I do will ever change this I fear it might be too late to restart I know that is not what I want I know what I want is you But I’m afraid that you are unavailable I fear there is nothing more I can do It’s hard to feel so helpless… It’s hard to feel so powerless and alone We’re at a crossroad now And it’s up to you to find your way home I’ll be waiting here patiently But I can’t wait forever I will help you anyway that I can I know if we try, we can make it through this endeavor I’ve seen you at your worst and loved you through it all My love for you is unconditional But I can’t get past your wall This wall you’ve put up is putting a barrier between us It is keeping us apart I can’t get in if you don’t take it down We can never have a fresh start The lying has to stop It isn’t doing anyone any good I know that you are just afraid Afraid of being misunderstood I understand where you are coming from But you never know until you try You break my heart a little more Everytime you lie I know that it will take time But my heart will one day heal This situation has caught me off guard The whole thing is just so surreal I’m going through the motions I’m trying to find my way I’m trying to read your morse code But the message, you won’t convey I need you to talk to me I need to know the real you I need you to be honest with me It’s the least that you could do…

65

Where do you go when you’ve strayed so far from the path? Is there any turning back? Do you just keep moving forward; with hope that eventually it will take you where you need to be? Trudging down the trail as fast as you can; trying to find an exit, with no success I feel like I’ve been running circles through your brain; trying to tie up loose ends You say there is nothing to find, but your eyes lie With empty words and broken promises; I try to believe you Everything in my souls says there is more Do I really want to know what it is that you are hiding? What if there is nothing left to find, and I’m just stuck in a loop? It’s been this way so long, that it’s like second nature; a lifetime of lies Even you can’t seem to tell the difference anymore I’m a wandering soul, trying to find my place; looking in the mirror with disdain I hate that girl in the mirror; the one who looks so defeated Her eyes are empty The light that once was there has been distinguished Can you fix the broken? I mean what’s really broken; shattered into pieces on the floor Glass shards cut my feet I press down and grind my heel into the ground where the broken pieces lay That’s better What’s broken is now a piece of me; never to be forgotten Each step pushes them further into my pad Eventually the wounds heal; the shards still embedded in my skin What’s not supposed to be will eventually push its way out anyway Still I try to keep it Once it works its way out, I repeat Not realizing what this cycle is doing to me What am I without it? Am I still me? Was this ever who I really was? Will I ever know the answers to the questions my brain needs to know, but my heart fears? They burn behind my eyes, leaving black marks on my retinas Where do I go from here? Do I push forward against your force? Do I just let it be? It is what it is That’s been my motto lately You can’t change what doesn’t want to change You can only control yourself Things are always changing and if you don’t move with it, you will be left behind Nothing more than a forgotten memory that pops up from time to time; after a few too many drinks Maybe one day you’ll be sitting at the bar, having a drink with a few friends Maybe SHE will even be there with you She reaches for your hand and caresses it softly Suddenly all of the memories come flooding in; everything that you had and gave up Do you think you’ll regret your choices? Or are you happy now? Playing house with a married woman; who has no intention of this ever being anything more than just a game I would have given you anything, you know For me, it was never a game But I got played like a fiddle that was out of tune and then tossed to the side like yesterday's garbage Now you’re searching through the debris, trying to find me But I’m withered from the weather and the harsh conditions of this storm I’m not shiny and new anymore There’s scuff marks on my body, and my strings are broken and tangled You hold me and try to tune me again, but the notes that come out are distorted Every now and then a beautiful notes leaks out, only to be followed by the twinge of my broken heart I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same I don’t know that I’ll ever be the person you fell in love with I don’t know that I will ever be okay But I want to be.

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 4:58 PM UTC

aj-bell

Yielding

Where do you go when you’ve strayed so far from the path? Is there any turning back? Do you just keep moving forward; with hope that eventually it will take you where you need to be? Trudging down the trail as fast as you can; trying to find an exit, with no success I feel like I’ve been running circles through your brain; trying to tie up loose ends You say there is nothing to find, but your eyes lie With empty words and broken promises; I try to believe you Everything in my souls says there is more Do I really want to know what it is that you are hiding? What if there is nothing left to find, and I’m just stuck in a loop? It’s been this way so long, that it’s like second nature; a lifetime of lies Even you can’t seem to tell the difference anymore I’m a wandering soul, trying to find my place; looking in the mirror with disdain I hate that girl in the mirror; the one who looks so defeated Her eyes are empty The light that once was there has been distinguished Can you fix the broken? I mean what’s really broken; shattered into pieces on the floor Glass shards cut my feet I press down and grind my heel into the ground where the broken pieces lay That’s better What’s broken is now a piece of me; never to be forgotten Each step pushes them further into my pad Eventually the wounds heal; the shards still embedded in my skin What’s not supposed to be will eventually push its way out anyway Still I try to keep it Once it works its way out, I repeat Not realizing what this cycle is doing to me What am I without it? Am I still me? Was this ever who I really was? Will I ever know the answers to the questions my brain needs to know, but my heart fears? They burn behind my eyes, leaving black marks on my retinas Where do I go from here? Do I push forward against your force? Do I just let it be? It is what it is That’s been my motto lately You can’t change what doesn’t want to change You can only control yourself Things are always changing and if you don’t move with it, you will be left behind Nothing more than a forgotten memory that pops up from time to time; after a few too many drinks Maybe one day you’ll be sitting at the bar, having a drink with a few friends Maybe SHE will even be there with you She reaches for your hand and caresses it softly Suddenly all of the memories come flooding in; everything that you had and gave up Do you think you’ll regret your choices? Or are you happy now? Playing house with a married woman; who has no intention of this ever being anything more than just a game I would have given you anything, you know For me, it was never a game But I got played like a fiddle that was out of tune and then tossed to the side like yesterday's garbage Now you’re searching through the debris, trying to find me But I’m withered from the weather and the harsh conditions of this storm I’m not shiny and new anymore There’s scuff marks on my body, and my strings are broken and tangled You hold me and try to tune me again, but the notes that come out are distorted Every now and then a beautiful notes leaks out, only to be followed by the twinge of my broken heart I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same I don’t know that I’ll ever be the person you fell in love with I don’t know that I will ever be okay But I want to be.

62

Once upon a time; in a land so far away, there lived a girl who suffered in silence and fed on the decay. A hopeful heart so withered and lost with not much left to give. This is the story of my madness and my fight to find the will to live.

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 4:56 PM UTC

aj-bell

A For Effort

Once upon a time; in a land so far away, there lived a girl who suffered in silence and fed on the decay. A hopeful heart so withered and lost with not much left to give. This is the story of my madness and my fight to find the will to live.

3

I am standing here on the ledge Watching the rocks slowly crumble beneath my feet I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now I am isolated, trapped in my own hell Oh what a pathetic site I must be You’ve done this to yourself, you know It’s your fault and you must pay And pay I will Let’s take it back a bit Maybe then you’ll understand I’ve done this to myself This was done by my own hand Something calming has been taken, and now the river runs rapid I have no choice, no voice, no sound set of mind I am alone in the madness that has been building for some time My heart aches so deep that I can feel it clawing through my skin I guess it will do anything to get out of this prison that it’s in Farewell dear heart of mine You were faithful till the end But love has fallen and failed us And I don’t think that it will mend This time the cuts too deep Neither thread, nor twine can mend this hole So I bid you adieu… Farewell my dear loveless soul I don’t think I can go back There’s no other way out but down I’ll take one final breath and then just wait to drown My foot is over the ledge One more step and then it’s done I have no other option No sorrowful song left unsung I am at “piece” now I can’t be hurt anymore I hope no one ever finds me I hope my body never washes ashore Trapped in the bottom of this river, until the end of time For once, you don’t get a say This time the choice was mine

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 4:53 PM UTC

aj-bell

Rapids

I am standing here on the ledge Watching the rocks slowly crumble beneath my feet I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now I am isolated, trapped in my own hell Oh what a pathetic site I must be You’ve done this to yourself, you know It’s your fault and you must pay And pay I will Let’s take it back a bit Maybe then you’ll understand I’ve done this to myself This was done by my own hand Something calming has been taken, and now the river runs rapid I have no choice, no voice, no sound set of mind I am alone in the madness that has been building for some time My heart aches so deep that I can feel it clawing through my skin I guess it will do anything to get out of this prison that it’s in Farewell dear heart of mine You were faithful till the end But love has fallen and failed us And I don’t think that it will mend This time the cuts too deep Neither thread, nor twine can mend this hole So I bid you adieu… Farewell my dear loveless soul I don’t think I can go back There’s no other way out but down I’ll take one final breath and then just wait to drown My foot is over the ledge One more step and then it’s done I have no other option No sorrowful song left unsung I am at “piece” now I can’t be hurt anymore I hope no one ever finds me I hope my body never washes ashore Trapped in the bottom of this river, until the end of time For once, you don’t get a say This time the choice was mine

39

One winter’s night under the cold December moon I woke from my slumber to a mournful tune It crept from my ears and down the hall But when I followed it nothing was there at all So I peered out the window just in time to see A pale silhouette sadly smiling at me As her song grew louder, my ears began to ring And I found that it was mine, not her song to sing So I stealthily slipped out the creaking front door And began to follow her to her kingdom by the shore Water rising to my waist Arms spread out like a dove Bellowing my melancholy plea for her love Only to find silence as the blood began to pour She sang one last tune, “never more, never more” It was then and only then that my eyes did see It was my reflection that had been smiling back at me She rushed up and whispered ever so silently “This is how you make it. Don’t you want to be free?” Laying on my back with my head just barely afloat I let the waters take me as my body began to bloat This is it now. This is all I’ll ever be. Forever to be trapped in MY kingdom of the sea.

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 4:52 PM UTC

aj-bell

The Kingdom by the Sea

One winter’s night under the cold December moon I woke from my slumber to a mournful tune It crept from my ears and down the hall But when I followed it nothing was there at all So I peered out the window just in time to see A pale silhouette sadly smiling at me As her song grew louder, my ears began to ring And I found that it was mine, not her song to sing So I stealthily slipped out the creaking front door And began to follow her to her kingdom by the shore Water rising to my waist Arms spread out like a dove Bellowing my melancholy plea for her love Only to find silence as the blood began to pour She sang one last tune, “never more, never more” It was then and only then that my eyes did see It was my reflection that had been smiling back at me She rushed up and whispered ever so silently “This is how you make it. Don’t you want to be free?” Laying on my back with my head just barely afloat I let the waters take me as my body began to bloat This is it now. This is all I’ll ever be. Forever to be trapped in MY kingdom of the sea.

24

The holidays are coming fast and my heart sinks as I count down each day. Replaying every memory, every smile and every **** Christmas song you’d always play. I can’t imagine the holidays without you. I did not hang any lights or pick out a Christmas tree. There are no presents or the smell baked goods, like there use to be. I did not hang any stockings or leave any cookies for old Saint Nick. The holidays are coming fast and I hope that they end quick.

0

Apr 13, 2016

Apr 13, 2016 at 4:50 PM UTC

aj-bell

Silent Night

The holidays are coming fast and my heart sinks as I count down each day. Replaying every memory, every smile and every **** Christmas song you’d always play. I can’t imagine the holidays without you. I did not hang any lights or pick out a Christmas tree. There are no presents or the smell baked goods, like there use to be. I did not hang any stockings or leave any cookies for old Saint Nick. The holidays are coming fast and I hope that they end quick.

7