#krisoul
it's only after you leave
that I start to see you everywhere
I see you in the empty cups
hanging on the stand
I see you in the toothbrush
stiff from neglect
the ukulele you used to play
and the books that you read
I see you in the empty chairs
at the dinner table
I see you in the sunset
that we used to watch together
the ****** TV shows
that you watched and cried over
on hot humid summer days,
I sit and reminisce
what could've been
and what will never be
if this is what it's like to see
I wish it happened sooner
it seems that I was blind
when you were here
Apr 23, 2016
Apr 23, 2016 at 10:34 AM UTC
maybe turn your back
on the glaring light of day
these things could wreck
your mind and make it fray
bile and venom line your lips
a wall you throw up with your tongue
spit it out, make a rip
in the world that stung
Dec 8, 2015
Dec 8, 2015 at 11:41 AM UTC
war is
behind glass
a silver screen
composed of pixels
war is
in movies
muted bombs,
a silent scream
war is
a newsflash
on twitter,
about a country
far, far away
war is
insignificant
easily dismissed
for us.
but for them,
war is losing everyone they love
war is hiding with bated breath
war is a constant ache in their bellies
war is a bleeding throat
war is not being able to protect
war is breathing dust tinged with dried blood
it's not knowing whether the person in front of them will see tomorrow
it's the feeling of ruin when they see their house go up in smoke
it's the taste of blood when they bite their tongue to stop from screaming
war is praying to be able to see the sun rise again the next day
war is not a silver screen
not pixels dancing
not a link on their newsfeed
war is real.
Nov 29, 2015
Nov 29, 2015 at 7:34 AM UTC
loving someone with mental issues isn't poetic, or romantic
hell, it's the opposite of that. it's running down to her house at 1.02am in the morning wondering whether she's still breathing
it's anxious crying when she won't text you back because you don't know whether you've lost her
over the slightest smallest things
in everyday things you start to see the things that trigger her
you look out for them
so that you can steer her away
when she doesn't talk to you
you panic because you don't know how she's doing how she's faring whether she's okay whether she's going to be okay from then on.
loving someone with mental illnesses is not easy
it gets tiring
so stop romanticising it.
i see things everywhere on tumblr, on social media,
images full of soft greys and inky blacks
paragraphs that romanticise these things
these ugly things that no one should ever want to feel
are being preached to the public as
'deep'
'mysterious'
'alluring'
**** you.
stop doing this stop doing this it's wrong it's so wrong it needs to stop
think about your friend
dying inside, then choosing to die for real
because of these things
are these things really beauiful????
ARE THEY????
NO.
THEY'RE ******* HORRENDOUS.
SO
STOP. ROMANTICISING. MENTAL ILLNESSES.
thank you.
Aug 23, 2015
Aug 23, 2015 at 4:02 AM UTC
dear mum,
i don't know when we drifted apart. it was probably eons ago when i was 7 or 8. ten years down the road and we haven't gotten any closer. do i regret not spending more time with you? not really.
i haven't been the best child. i've lied. a lot. i've broken your heart. a lot. and i've done things that you've told me not to. a lot.
i've learnt many things from you.
i've learnt to treat people the way you want to be treated. i've learnt to be sensitive of other people's feelings. and i've learnt to be kind. from you i have learnt how to care and be selfless. from you, i have learnt how to be a good person.
but i have learnt not so good things from you as well.
i've learnt to stay out of things because it's too tiring to get involved. i've learnt never to stand up for my future child when my husband is calling her useless trash. i've learnt that lying is the only way i'll ever be able to do what i want. i've learnt that if i ever want to divorce i should do it instead of hanging on for more than a decade and feeling miserable, the way you did. and still are doing.
i've learnt that the way to raise a child, is to provide for them physically then not to give a **** about their feelings.
love,
your unfilial daughter
hello dad,
it's been a while since i've ever felt any affection towards you. i think it ended the moment you started calling me idiot and useless trash. and when you ripped my dreams into shreds and forced me into the academic school of your choice.
i love how we cannot get along together without arguing at least twice a week. i love how you call me fat and compare me to my friends. i love how you have never praised me ever since i was 9 years old.
i love how you think that i still love you, when i don't.
in some twisted way you say that you love me, yet you continue to make me feel like the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. i love how you have never put 2 and 2 together to realise that the main reason why i'm always out of the house is so that i don't have to see you.
i love how dense you are. i absolutely, absolutely love how you told me my dreams are useless. i adore how you take out your anger on me, and how you never say sorry. and how you think that fat jokes are just jokes and that your insults are not hurtful.
i love how you think that with parental status, you can overwrite anything your child thinks. i love how you have taught me that the moment i become a parent, my child must do whatever i say and that i am always right, because parents set the rules. parents are gods.
you have taught me well.
-your useless trash of a daughter
Aug 9, 2015
Aug 9, 2015 at 1:42 PM UTC
i remember you saying small things
so small
they could've gone unnoticed
by so many people
"i should just die right now,"
you said
and people laughed
and said
"me, too,"
i remember my heart
skipping a beat
when i saw
the darkness
underlying your words
and the grey
colouring your tone
i remember smiling
and laughing it off
because i knew
you didn't want to talk about it
but my mind
was racing
racing to stop
the clouds from taking over you
racing racing r a c i n g
but not fast enough
i remember my heart stopping
when i saw
the pills
1
2
3
...
... ...
32
all gone
down your throat
i remember crying on the phone
for the first time in a long time
to someone else
begging
begging them to go over
and check on you
i remember cabbing down
at 1.02am
not quite sure
how to feel
i remember you throwing up
28
4 left in you
thank god thank god t h a n k g o d
i remember that night
being a night
full of morbid jokes
because you didn't know how else to cope
i remember laying beside you
3 people on a thin mattress meant for 2
but neither of us cared
because you were breathing between us
i remember you
a year ago
saying that people never stay with you
can i be your constant?
can i be the friend to stick by you?
i remember so many things
about you
and
i never want to see the day
where the only way i can see you
is to remember you
Aug 9, 2015
Aug 9, 2015 at 1:22 PM UTC
it’s like when all you want to do is be happy and get through life being happy and old memories kick you in the gut so hard that all you can think of is leaving the country and never coming back.
never coming back to the faces that will only remind me of what can never be undone never coming back to face the facts never coming back to trauma to regret and to shame shame and more shame
and the worst feeling is knowing that no one will ever understand and always being too afraid to tell anyone and will anyone ever be trustworthy enough to be able to keep my secrets or will this go to the grave with me and die there
no justice nothing but blood and dirt and the pain in my eyes and-
it’s unfair when you have a good night and then the night turns sour in the blink of an eye and suddenly you’re not basking in warmth but drowning in cold loneliness and icy guilt and dirt and dirt and so much dirt and i can’t breathe and i will never trust anyone enough
and it’s okay being alone is okay i’m okay will be okay take a deep breath will be okay life will be okay it’s over and i can forget this i will be okay even if i’m not i have to be okay
Jul 27, 2015
Jul 27, 2015 at 12:24 PM UTC
it is cold seeping in my bones
and hot air on a summer's day
it is warm excitement and carefully calculated disinterest:
all at the same time
it is confusion,
joy and resignation,
mixed together in a melting ***
made of the last rays of hope filtering in
Jun 30, 2015
Jun 30, 2015 at 2:12 AM UTC
I like cracking the spines of books and smelling the mustiness in its pages. I like how the lines run down the leather binding when I bend it backwards. I like how it falls open to a certain page when I flip it open, highlighting my favourite passages.
It's like I shaped this book. This object here, was influenced by me. And if I'm not able to make a big impact in this world than at least I know that I've changed something from the creases left in the covers and wrinkles in the papers.
Jun 30, 2015
Jun 30, 2015 at 2:08 AM UTC
i was frozen in fear that i had broken your trust, and that the number of times i said sorry wouldn't be enough even though you said it was okay
May 7, 2015
May 7, 2015 at 11:56 AM UTC
and it’s on nights like these when hope seems futile, when the air seems heavy and the weight of everything sits on me like I can’t breathe without imploding. when I walked alone in the dark and the warm yellow glow from the street lamps illuminated my every step and I took solace in the little lizard staring at me from its perch on the wall. my movements become sluggish and all of a sudden I seem to lose patience and passion for everything because there’s absolutely nothing I can do about things that are set for failure, and the night air seems sticky with apprehension and my fingers itch to dig into something. to scratch something out with permanence to see actual, solid results.
and it’s on nights like these when I find my thoughts drifting into darker streets, with every doubt clouding my path. when even friends and happy memories seem more like distant street lamps that manage to cast more shadows than bring light. when I find solace in being anonymous in crowds, bearing the curious stares of people who will never know me. on nights like these, the wind blows hot and cold at the same time, and I stare at regrets carved into skin. and all of a sudden, I find myself adding on to a marred canvas and it’s infinitely more comforting and stuffed full of guilt at the same time.
and it’s on nights like these, when I just crawl into bed quietly and end the day with a whimper.
Mar 26, 2015
Mar 26, 2015 at 10:38 AM UTC
my nose tastes sour
and my tears feel hot
when will i
stop carving
reassurance
into my
skin?
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 7:09 AM UTC
it's not so bad,
being alone that is
once your mind and soul
has turned numb
your body will follow
and it becomes okay
so when you ask me whether i'm lonely
i guess it would be accurate
for me to say yes and no
but it's okay really
i don't need pity and your useless love
because love doesn't get you through life in the end
you should try it some time
if you ever experience
something painful
come join me
in a shell of your own
we will sing the songs of past times
bright pink tinged with cold blue
and it will stop hurting for you
over time
when you become as numb as me
then you will see
that it's better to be lonely
than to be afraid
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 7:00 AM UTC
and i swear to god that it's nothing really
just a little thought
niggling in the back of my mind
i really ought not to pay attention to it
to let the seed die before it blossoms
rapidly and uncontrollably
bringing undescribable pain and joy
trepidation and sunshine mixed together
in a steel *** simmering over a smouldering fire
but the smallest thing brings out
huge reactions that are uncalled for and in the end i'm still too afraid and too unsure
about everything to address the issue
and so, i swear to god, that it's nothing really
even though my heart breaks a little bit everyday
even as pink touches my cheeks and refuses to leave
even as everything churns in my brain in wild circles
it's nothing, really
Mar 9, 2015
Mar 9, 2015 at 10:49 AM UTC
she was caught up with friends
more lively than she
more than charmed,
she tagged along with glee
life was like bubbly champagne
sweet and fizzy
elegance and with a bit of bite
there simply wasn't anything more she could ask for
she was caught up with friends
more daring than she
more than charmed,
she tagged along with glee
adrenaline sweet as a sugar rush
coursing through her veins
she closed her eyes against the wind,
powerful and empty
doubt niggled at her heart
a small worm in an apple
shaking her to the core
perhaps she should stay gone?
she was caught up with friends
more twisted than she
swept up in a whirlwind,
she was no longer free
Feb 22, 2015
Feb 22, 2015 at 6:19 AM UTC
will you still write for me
stories that spin whole new worlds
each character a dew drop
on an intricate web of lies
tell me a story of friendship and love
of bravery and courage
of chivalry that hasn't died
and of loyalty that shines bright
do you still care enough
to write a story for me?
something with starry-eyed princesses
and handsome knights
galloping horses and fearsome dragons
i wonder whether
those dragons get lonely
when they're misunderstood to be the evil
that the gallant knight subdues
what if
the knight was really the one
with a soul black as ash
brandishing a sword that would earn him glory
and a future in which the princess would be enslaved
by his treachery?
unsung stories of rowdy soldiers
creeping nights
and boisterous days
i want to hear them all
will you still write for me
even when i have stopped listening?
will you continue
to strive for a better world
with your words and ink-stained fingers?
do you
still care enough to write?
Feb 7, 2015
Feb 7, 2015 at 9:30 AM UTC
kinda wanna go home and shop mindlessly, let the dull clicking of my mouse be my zen and then regret it when the high wears off
kinda wanna go for a walk that never ends and let my feet bleed through my unlaced sneakers and stain the sidewalk
kinda wanna dye my hair blue, and maybe the colour will turn my fingers into tiny smurfs and make me less boring and more worth noticing
kinda wanna sleep until my brain gets tired of itself and shuts down forever
kinda wanna let go,
but kinda wanna live too
Feb 7, 2015
Feb 7, 2015 at 7:44 AM UTC
i am green when i am supposed to be
white and unfeeling
i am blue when i am supposed to be
yellow and calming
i am red when i am supposed to be
lilac and understanding
i can be rather contrary
inappropriate feelings in
appropriate situations
confusion in the form of a human
wandering lost
tripping over thoughts but
maintaining steadiness of pace
naivety and cynicism
rolled into one
what would the resulting dough
become?
baked under high temperatures
melting and moulding
building and dying
creation and destruction
the end product is, of course,
one of epic confusion
with a nasty smell and lovely taste
what are your thoughts,
i'd like to know?
Jan 31, 2015
Jan 31, 2015 at 1:56 AM UTC
when news that you get
isn't something that sings of peachy
breezes and perfumed love
you freeze in horror and
let the cold wash over you
i touched the surface of stilled water
but you refused to stir
even though the ripples
marred your face and
cut straight through your gaze
i cried for you
a wail inside my heart
growing strong like the wind
howling in a winter storm
but the snow
piled atop of you
and weighed you down
with a misery that shouldn't have been yours
helplessness like solid lead
along with trembling fingers
fluttering like
fragile hummingbirds
when i realise that you,
a pillar of support,
have become as vulnerable as them
not just for your sake
but for everyone else
please
be ok
Jan 27, 2015
Jan 27, 2015 at 9:18 AM UTC
if you leave someone behind
be it emotionally
or physically
time will never stop
for the relationship between the both of you
if you leave someone behind
cobwebs,
along with insecurities,
will invade and cloud the
space between you
if you leave someone behind
animosity will be left to fester,
like an infected wound
ignored and screaming
if you leave someone behind,
you are missing the joy in their faces
when they fall in love
under the stars,
bathing in pale moonlight
that cleanses their heart of hurt
if you leave someone behind
and then come back one day,
the look on her face isn't going to be radiant
confusion, hurt, anger,
and regret
may make her unreadable
and you sour
if you leave someone behind
you may come back
to someone different
from the person you left behind
if you leave someone behind
you are giving them
your blessing
to leave you behind
Jan 13, 2015
Jan 13, 2015 at 10:25 AM UTC
i don't think i've shown this to you before
but today i think i will
you see, i don't tell people about this
not often at least
or not at all
not since the day
my mother laughed at me
not since the day
my father jeered with
contempt in the curl of his lip
not since the day
my friends waved me off
as delusional
it's a little tattered
and a little tarnished
i really wish that it could've looked a lot nicer
for you to see
the shine is kind of gone
but it's still really precious to me
i think i'll come with you
no, wait-
you should go alone
i'll wait for you out here and
i hope that you'll be kind
you'll see in the corner
there is a dusty box
it really isn't much
and you'll have to brush cobwebs off
and when the box is clean
like when each day shone anew
maybe you'll even get to see
the lines of ambition that carved
hope into my box of dreams
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 10:19 AM UTC
will I still be remembered under the blare of lights that flood the field, a lone silhouette amongst a hundred others. will I still be able to stand out, a dull worn rag chafing against pastel silks. will I be worth something, even if I try my hardest not to trip and fall in this marathon. will I stand tall like a tree in the middle of a wheat field or will I be fragile as the painting of the moon from its rays upon the glassy canvas of a lake.
Jul 22, 2014
Jul 22, 2014 at 5:44 AM UTC
let's get lost
for hours on end
exploring the city
turning down alleyways
taking long bus rides to nowhere
and buying things that we don't need
from shops that we'll never see again
let's get lost
in stories so old
that the pages smell like must,
pirates and faerie dust
let's get lost
in each other's minds
each and every embarrassing tale
a beautiful one
Jun 27, 2014
Jun 27, 2014 at 10:24 AM UTC
*starlight starbright
first star I see tonight
wish I may wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight*
it takes nothing more than a few
choice words carelessly spoken
to shatter dreams and treasured wishes
things that grew bright and beautiful
within you
so you bend down and pick up the pieces
and in desperation,
glue them back together
to form a shadow of what it once was
but they don't think twice when
it comes to tearing it apart a second time
it doesn't make sense
not to you
not when they're supposed to be the ones
cheering you on
wishing on a star with you
instead of
laughing
you look into the sky
and search the darkness for a shooting star
and when you see one
you smile
but only a little
tired
of fighting a losing battle
of sore throats and swollen eyes from
screaming matches
they've almost won this war
and you look
at whatever hope you have left
a faint glimmering reflection
of what it once was
and with a sigh
the light goes out
Jun 27, 2014
Jun 27, 2014 at 10:13 AM UTC