#jenkins
My head knows all the reasons not
But my heart is a knot
Longing for you
To hear your voice
To hear you say you're okay
I miss you, old friend
One of these days I'll be brave
But tonight is not that night
I'll slink into the shadows
Drown in the shallows
And mourn the fact
I still miss you
Jun 18, 2020
Jun 18, 2020 at 5:49 PM UTC
a golden stage of holy voices
hide us all from the rain
a pastor, fulfilled by the holy spirit
today we are forgiven, forgiven
a young male in the audience, dancing
god is mighty, god is mighty, god is mighty
a sturdy background singer, grateful
today we are forgiven, forgiven
our god is awesome and he will be
our god is awesome and he will be
walls, decorated with kindness
today we are forgiven, forgiven
love is in the air like lights, lights
love is in the air like lights, lights
a pastor, fulfilled by the holy spirit
today we are forgiven, forgiven
May 24, 2020
May 24, 2020 at 5:33 AM UTC
I think its time to have a talk,
A walk over the rubble of once tall walls,
That held a heart so heartless captive,
Lost in halls of raw cobbled things,
That were never really feelings, just things,
Things I need to say, to go over,
All in the name of bless-ed closure,
So sorry that I drove her so far away,
These bereft words, scribbled on a digital page,
Will never convey the dismay of this shipwrecked man,
Who crafted an island by his own hands,
Where he made himself ******
Where he made his last stand,
But no ending ever came,
Just waves upon waves,
Of drowned dreams and half dead sorrows,
Awaiting death on every tomorrow,
Death that never came,
May 16, 2020
May 16, 2020 at 4:42 PM UTC
I spend this evening counting bumps in my popcorn ceiling
1,2,3,4,5,6,7
Heart is gnawing at my mind
8,9,10,11,12
Old washed out feelings
13,14,15,16
No words just
17,18,19
Memories
.......
when did i start crying?
Feb 25, 2020
Feb 25, 2020 at 11:32 AM UTC
The curtain closes after the bow
Creaking leather shoes start their step
Exit stage left
Applause
Silence
tap tap tap tap
Time stands as still as his heart
and a question ****** his mind
if his words were empty
or just the audience?
He got into this business to hurt
to feel something
It was his drug, after all
But he finally healed
Years later
A smile touches his scars
tap tap tap tap
Exit stage left
'Til death, does he art
Mar 3, 2020
Mar 3, 2020 at 12:28 PM UTC
I sit alone this half-fogged, half-starry night on the beach
Watch the water seep over the rocks and sand and life
Your face seems to haunt the water between ripples
I draw my heart out to your ghost in the damp sand
Not in symbols or letters, but in words shaped silently
Tears salted like saltwater was my offering to God that night
And I know I chased you off for good but darling
I'll always send my love after you long after goodbye
Darling I'm used to being in love on the outside
I hope to be forgotten by you, pray to be remembered by you, and hope to see you again.
Feb 26, 2020
Feb 26, 2020 at 11:22 AM UTC
Just a blank wall
Stare at it
Memories of her
Tell me where it hurts
The clock ticks
You can't go back in time
Memories of her
You can't make her real
So hallucinate
Drink
****
Sin
Or just stay alone
Your choice
Jan 20, 2020
Jan 20, 2020 at 11:12 PM UTC
My guard dropped like an anvil from the sky
I never knew I was up so high
So alone
Freezing from the inside
Hiding lies in lust when love would've done fine
Feb 10, 2020
Feb 10, 2020 at 3:36 PM UTC
I missed the moment to kiss you
You would have tasted the pestilence on my lips
Dried lips suffocated by dust form the word "goodbye"
For love has run its due course on this coarse heart
Weariness has worn down what hope was once planted
But darling love doesn't grow in trees, does it?
so why did it have to die?
Jan 17, 2020
Jan 17, 2020 at 12:50 PM UTC
2019 hit me hard like most years
but i finally started to hit back
i let myself embrace the pain
said it was okay
and started to heal
i made my peace with a lot of my past
wrongdoings i can't undo
but can forgive
both myself and others
i decided to stay in love with someone not in my life anymore
and that's okay
because she's always had my heart
most importantly i made a resolution for the first time
for 2020 i will not be suicidal
or entertain such thoughts
i will tell my demons
"how dare you think you can scare me into death"
and i will mock the voices that say there is nothing for me here
i am loved
even by myself
Jan 3, 2020
Jan 3, 2020 at 2:00 PM UTC
Heavy
Is what I carry
In my pockets
In my heart
Weighted like sand
Filling my throat
The fear under my eyelids
Cracks of light that creep in
Thoughts under my skin
Dying just to be let out
But I stay only silent
Let the fog rapture me
The pain can sink in
Past my skin
to the bone
to new days
from the same me
Feb 15, 2020
Feb 15, 2020 at 3:41 PM UTC
Oh I am calloused and bruised
I am weathered and used
I don't blend anymore
I just float on the surface
The light that left me
Has me feeling thin
Inside
Oh the love that left me
Has me feeling dead
Inside
And the love that stayed
Cannot carry me on
I am a wayward son
I am the only lonely one
Is there an end or a beginning
I can no longer tell
These thoughts aren't my own
But they're nobody else's
Oh everyone's a stranger
When you don't know yourself
Everyone's a stranger
I don't know myself
Jan 5, 2020
Jan 5, 2020 at 5:51 PM UTC
I miss you like the desert sands miss the lapping waves of the sea
That childlike sparkle in your eyes as you laughed with me
Our lives were a destiny not meant to be
But it was the only future I cared to see
I spend my days, hours, minutes, and seconds as if it didn't matter
But in the moments between time and space I am with you
Could it be called love if I didn't know what I was doing?
I made my confession to walls when it should have been to you...
Clarity always seems to cloud the mind, one way or another
Because the clarity that speaks only speaks of pain;
It hurts to say that it hurt to stay; It hurt to leave and it hurt to hate
Hating her hurt far more than any rejection of hers
Words cannot find the feelings I want to describe
After all, these are just love notes left behind...
Jan 28, 2020
Jan 28, 2020 at 3:40 PM UTC
everything that made him him
was leaking out the hole in his chest
the cracked ribs finally failing
god, if only he wasn't a fool
God, please make this real
Dec 27, 2019
Dec 27, 2019 at 11:19 AM UTC
the memory of my melody
a reminder of lost things
haunted by the years
Dec 20, 2019
Dec 20, 2019 at 3:57 PM UTC
death can be found in love
and life can be found in anger
scars can be beautiful
showing we survived
and aren't there anymore
freedom can be found when lost
through solitude wisdom can grow
but growth has no meaning alone
so love as you live
for death cares not of such things
fret not for scars, do not be scared
when lost, know you are found
these are the meanings I have learned
Dec 23, 2019
Dec 23, 2019 at 11:17 AM UTC
Old habits smoulder in the secret places in my heart
Like a pack of unlit cigarettes stashed under the bed
Cancer waiting to spread and ignite desires
Oh how I love these wrong desires
Just a sip until I drown
Just a flame til I burn down
Jan 1, 2020
Jan 1, 2020 at 5:19 PM UTC
when people look me in the eye
for just a fleeting moment
i feel as if i will die
palpitations
dilation
sweat
flight
or fight
apologies
i feel as if i will die
for just a fleeting moment
when people look me in the eye
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019 at 12:51 PM UTC
The grass fields shimmer in the wind
As the sky is gaunt and gray
I pray, I pray, I pray
That this sadness goes away
Dec 14, 2019
Dec 14, 2019 at 11:49 PM UTC
She danced on the rooftops with the moon to her back
Proud and shining on her elegant ballet
Whisps of fog entwined her shadowed figure
As she glided backwards with her final bourree, into the night
A secluded heart now followed her everglow light
Dec 6, 2019
Dec 6, 2019 at 12:07 PM UTC
Unequivocal uninspiration usurping my greater judgement
That perhaps this paper might be better left unwritten
For foolish folly fails to grow my intrepid soul
Daggered demons drift across sleepless eyes
Hunting in the night for any light
Meant to be burnt but smothered on sight
Red rivers release droplets into panten lungs
Organs of oddity never needed but to draw dead air
This is thus the safety of my mind and heart, departed and slain
Dec 3, 2019
Dec 3, 2019 at 11:39 AM UTC
three years,
some days I no longer count,
but you were the second woman I loved;
the first to love me back,
& the first to break my heart...
...
Darling, wherever you are I hope you're happy and free
'Cuz I'm still right where you left me...
Dec 28, 2019
Dec 28, 2019 at 3:44 PM UTC
We write out secrets in our art
so the dark can tear us apart
every lie, every lust, every slight
Just so we can sleep at night
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019 at 11:11 AM UTC
I'm sitting here trying to write how I feel and yet I cannot find the words or letters that speak in the right order,
I talked with a friend who said that I was growing, but I had to be honest and tell him that what I was feeling was not growth, but a rearrangement of myself; so the holes don't show what I have lost...
We don't grow; we just change and get smaller,
Or maybe that's just me,
I feel like I've become so small that I cannot even lift the blankets off of me when I wake up;
I was wild with love in my youth, but as I age and my body rejects me like my mind rejected my heart, I have to confess; I didn't have a clue how to love someone, and I still don't;
I do know I'm scared of it, though,
Scared of love,
Because I gave those parts of me away for a reason, the ones I so desperately rearrange to keep hidden;
And if someone else tried to fill those hollow parts of my heart, I know,
They would never really feel at home.
Nov 19, 2019
Nov 19, 2019 at 11:05 AM UTC
And all the loneliness floods and pools within
The darkened sea of sweetened sin
A pain strengthened of anguish
Lost hope breeds my languish
Sanguine eyes are blind and frail
Misconceived by this stupid veil
Til I've paid my final price
My life's vice has cursed me twice
Nov 17, 2019
Nov 17, 2019 at 6:54 PM UTC