#interactions
Hunger.
His eyes watching down his prey.
Stare so deep it reaches her insides.
Scoping through , searching to find the movies in her mind.
She blocks it , placing a wall , the light comes bouncing off the glass window and back to the wide eyes staring. Shook.
“Nice to meet you.”
He caresses her hand with a sunflower kiss.
Leaving her with his musk scent lingering behind with another movie.
Jun 15, 2019
Jun 15, 2019 at 2:59 PM UTC
Disbelief -
I am
Not a "thing"
I am just interactions -
Stories.
Jan 5, 2019
Jan 5, 2019 at 2:30 AM UTC
Often I find myself questioning everything
is it worth it?
why do I care?
why do I contemplate?
Seems like everytime I'm around someone I can't seem to get it right
I keep to myself but then it becomes an issue
people think I'm out of touch or just lost
far from that more like ready to burst
too honest at times I would say
and I guess some can't handle it and just rather not come my way
Truth hurts it's part of the reason I rather wear my heart on my sleeve no need to deceive
I'll let you keep thinking you know what's going on and it's exactly what you see.
Oct 15, 2018
Oct 15, 2018 at 12:16 PM UTC
Every time my mother tells me
"Go outside, talk to people"
I oblige, saying I will.
But the screen in front of me
is relaxing.
It holds music, silence, sadness, happiness.
Sure, it may be a measly electronic device,
but it's just occurred to me
that my friends are this device.
People I've met on here,
people I've known.
I can access them at any time in the world.
And it may be destroying our social interactions,
but don't you think
our social interactions are on here, Mother?
Jul 16, 2017
Jul 16, 2017 at 11:36 PM UTC
*It doesn't requires interactions
to be face to face
or over phone
but just a matter of heart throbbing
from one end to the other
makes that meet-cute happen!*
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 1:40 PM UTC
I walk alone,
On the borderline,
I carry it on my mind,
The one that defines society,
And separates out the hermitage,
Some things I'm just afraid to accept,
I just rejected their lies & their bling.
Apr 14, 2016
Apr 14, 2016 at 6:40 AM UTC
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, I should leave, I'm not good, why do you like me, she'd parrot again and again, coming and going and coming and going and I will love this love forever and I don't want to lose you and soul mates and we're going to be okay and we're safe to each other and sorry, sorry, sorry and you should abandon me and coming and going and stop calling yourself honest, and are you sure you have bpd, and coming and going and one day there are no more sorrys and coming and going and I can't take this and coming and eventually
going.
"Here are some snippets and poetry I wrote" my ex says in an email some days after I've drunkenly reinitiated contact with them after a year of nothing and the "snippets" go back and back and back, 2015, 2014, 2013, and we both confess to having read each other's blog and they will end up refollowing me on every blog they have which is all well and good but I am still scared and wondering why I seem to always go where I don't belong, why I am always trying to open some Pandora's box and they have said they never get over anyone, they have called me their muse and I want to tell them that I am not their muse, I am only myself, my best friend tells me to be distant with them after I tell her about the drama with them that I managed to handle and I had started writing a poem to them but now I think I'll just close the unsaved document, I only sent them one poem but I don't want to send any more, it would only encourage them, maybe encourage me and that's all I ever do - encourage people who end up scaring and hurting me, but hey at least I get content from all of it.
"I miss you" ze tells me, ze sends me hearts and initiates contact and likes every stupid thing I ever post on Facebook, and when we're around each other everything is fine, and my best friend tells me ze would date me if I let hir but I can't do it, I can't casually date, not a white person and not now, not after all I've dealt with, I think I just want to be alone forever now, and ze is so nice to me but I just can't reciprocate when we are not in the same room, and I don't believe hir is really autistic or bpd and I never know why, and ze is the best of all of hir anarqueer friends but there is something so off about all of them and they are good entertainment from afar but these are the kinds of people I would have been so jealous of when I was still at smith and always hurting from my perpetual anonymity among the hipsters I realized I would never be a part of, and I have accepted that I will always be invisible among white hipsterqueers but sometimes it still hurts, "community" is ******** and I don't believe it could ever exist for me, but that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes want it desperately.
"Let's go to Tuesgays," my best friend announced last night, and I roused myself up because I knew she wanted to go and wouldn't go without me, she told me as much when we were walking in the dark trying to find the club, and I gathered up all the bits of naivety and hope and the maybe it will be okay amidst all the fear and fatigue and I assembled the bits into a shoddy structure that blew away an hour later and I'm sure I ruined the night but she didn't tell me, and she bought me pizza but the pizza was too much and I don't want to perform at an open mic and I don't want to spend money and I don't want to drink but I do anyway and I don't know why I do all these things I don't like doing, building all these unstable structures that just fall down in the end, and I don't know what's wrong, it's not her fault, I just wish I were dead.
"So fill me in on these last five years. How's life?" I didn't respond to the old high school friend who I wasn't even particularly close with them and once I thought it would be cool to reconnect with friends in high school but every time they ever try to contact me now all I think is "go away, go away, go away," and it's more intense with men, he texts me this morning, days after I delete the text, says, "You were the first person that ever wrote on my wall on facebook, remember? I never forgot that," as if that's supposed to make me feel something, what I want to say is "hi I'm gay and crazy and not the person who wrote on your wall in 2007 and I don't know what the point is in contacting me," but I will hold my tongue because I can't say these things, I will continue to not reply, just like I don't reply to the old men I meet who send me emails or add me on Facebook because maybe I am their only friend and it's not their fault, it's mine for talking, mine for trusting, for giving away my email and poetry so willingly, always forgetting that slightly sick feeling I get afterwords, that's what being uncomfortable is, that feeling that something is wrong, wrong, wrong, and you're stuck and it's too late to go back but something is wrong and you can't put your finger on what is wrong, what is wrong, what is wrong with you, why can't you be nicer to the people around you, why are you writing this at all, stop feeling this anxious, stop feeling bad for no reason, stop feeling
uncomfortable.
Jan 31, 2016
Jan 31, 2016 at 5:06 PM UTC
Familiar places
turn
Unfamiliar if
you don't give up
the comfort
Of the four walls
Unfamiliar places
turn
familiar only if
you don't give up
the boredom
Of the four walls.
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 7:58 AM UTC
You said I had a face like
cinder blocks at sunrise:
Ash grey staining
red in the ending night.
The late winter cold
leaked down into my bones.
You pulled my hood up,
kissed me once and walked home.
I was a weak
kneed floater
that night.
It was a month to forget buried heart dents and debts.
You let me ride on the back of one more losing bet.
The deck's cut,
it's raining
outside
If I had
one more card
tucked up my sleeve, I'd lay it down
you wouldn't play
'cuz your hand's weak
Game's no fun. Folding. Heading straight out the door
Cashed in your chips and that's fine.
I'll take off and try to stay dry.
Your living room was greyscale
blue and white at midnight.
Ash on my tongue,
had X's in my eyes.
I'll choke down the bile
building up in my throat--
this mouth full of crow.
I'll walk out, grab my coat.
from your couch
turn the **** and
I'm gone.
It was a month to forget buried heart dents and debts.
You let me ride on the back of one more losing bet.
Kick up my heels, over pavement, walk home.
Half-rain and half-snow. Half a mile left to go.
the jig's up
and our steps were
all wrong.
Let's take this
time to find
some ground for standing. Thawing out,
I'll leak away
with the meltwash.
One more week draining to the Columbia
and your front step'll be dry.
...and your front step'll be dry...
Mar 25, 2015
Mar 25, 2015 at 2:19 AM UTC
You get used to
How are you?
and
Hope you are well!
and
overapologizing
and
I understand
and
long distance friends saying
I am here for you,
as if they could actually be physically there
as if they could give you what you needed
and as if
you could even articulate
what you really needed
and as if
they could read your mind
and somehow Know.
[Nobody can ever Know,
Hell, you don’t even Know.]
You get used to
working up the nerve
to tell everyone
about what you can’t
handle
[It’s a laundry list]
and you get used to
your requests being
Ignored or Forgotten.
[What can you say?
Everyone forgets.
And who are you to ask,
everyone else handles these things,
so can you.]
You get used to
Hopelessness
and
Guilt
and
Fear
and
Anxiety
and
Restlessness
and
Boredom
and
instability
and
Suicidality
[but have you ever Attempted? the docs will ask
and you get used to know knowing whether to say
Yes or No. ****** if you say yes, ****** if you say no.]
You get used to
extreme idealism
followed by
extreme cynicism
and
helpless anger
and
illogical
and
hot and cold
and
all these endless cycles
and
saying goodbye
to concentration,
academia,
reading,
the things you once loved.
You get used to
the names
and
the insults
that are not
Abuse
because you are not from a “broken family”:
too sensitive
and
selfish
and
lazy
and
self absorbed
and
practically white
and
Not Indian at all
and
*What would you do
if you didn’t have us
to go home to?*
You get used to
the excuses
and the tears of your mother:
"Don’t be mad at me,"
and
*"Think of how we feel."
and
*"What would you do
if you were us?"*
and
*"You have to try to
Communicate."*
[You couldn’t possibly want this. You have to try.]
You get used to
Meds roulette
and
off and on therapy
and
explaining the whole sordid story
over
and
over
and
over
again,
your med details memorized
without you even trying,
and
nothing ever making it better
and
just feeling crazier at the end of the day
when the docs ignore you half of what you say
and the psych ward sends you home
with a bill and a piece of paper
that helpfully says,
“Depression with Suicidal ideation.”
You get used to
putting Dreams in the closet,
despite being told
that you’re allowed to dream,
and
huddling up
in your own closet
despite being told
that you can be Out and Proud
and
locking up all expectations
for Anyone or anything
or heaven forbid
the idea of
*** and/or Romantic Relationships,
[You are Asexual out of necessity now]
throwing away the key,
or at least,
burying it deep, deep, deep
where you can’t reach it easily
[You can’t afford those luxuries anymore]
You get used to
Lying
to anyone and everyone
whether it is necessary or not,
and
Not being Accountable,
despite telling people that you are
“trying the sobriety thing”:
[oh my god, what a ******* joke]
sneaked wine
or spiked drinks
or whatever is cheap and available
every night when you are at home
chased with a klonopin or maybe two
[what’s the difference to you, they don’t even work]
because you are used to
no one noticing
[during the right hours]
and
you are also used to
Not Caring,
or
Tempting fate,
or
Playing the Game
with no rules
Call it what you will
[it’s all the same]
and
Not caring about
whether people stick around
or not.
[They never do, nothing can last,
it’s just a fact.]
You get used to
the “advice”:
Well if you just left the house and were social
and
Well if you just cleaned your room
and
Well if you just did things for other people
and
Well if you just stopped hanging out with sad people
and
Well if you just tried reading or watching Happy things
and
Well if you just stopped spending so much time texting
and
Well if you just got off the Internet
and
Well if you just Eat Right
and
Well if you try to Do Things
[You must always be doing things in this house.]
and
Well if you just got your license
and
Well have you tried Exercise?
and
Well have you tried Yoga?
and
*Well if you just got a job again"
and
Well have you even bothered contacting these people who could help?
You get used to
just calm down
and
not knowing what to say
when you hear:
whywhywhywhywhy?
if you happen to breakdown
in front of your parents,
which happens more and more
now a days.
[How can you not know?]
You get used to
saying “fine”
no matter what –
the worse you feel
the more fine you are
because you are used to
Never feeling better
no matter how much you
“talk about it.”
[Yes,
You are Fine,
because you should be,
you will be,
this is No Big Deal,
*it could be worse
"you are not from a broken family."*]
You get used to
holding back information
and
not reaching out
and
letting friendships wither
and
not trusting,
without knowing why
and
everything losing meaning
and
everything disintegrating
sooner or later.
What can you say?
Things change,
people leave,
people change,
feelings change,
you change.
What can you do?
If you’re a heartbreaker
then
you get used to that idea too.
[You secretly love the idea of
Hurting everyone else around you.
Maybe that makes you Abusive.]
You get used to
Every poem
ending up like this,
they’re all recycled words,
recycled themes,
recycled misery,
and, after all,
a dead white guy said
*“there is nothing to writing
all you do is sit down
at a type writer
and bleed.”*
[You get used to bleeding.]
-
But most of all,
you get used to
not being used to
Anything at all.
Nov 6, 2014
Nov 6, 2014 at 2:24 PM UTC
"I don’t get it", it’s not a poetic phrase, and certainly not any insight to my abstract mind. It doesn’t represent any of the words I was trying to lay on the page, but is a perfect insight of how all of those words ended with dark scribblings marked over any of the slightest potential. It’s made up of uncertainty and weariness, but does not run strict to the grain. Its the result of biting my tongue a hundred times, while letting the river of your voice drown out every last inch of drought in the desert of my mind. But I should know that new foliage can never grow when nourished with polluted water.
Sep 7, 2014
Sep 7, 2014 at 12:10 AM UTC
I have grown accustomed to the way
silence forced itself upon my social interactions
like a guest who wasn't invited
but was let in anyway.
My eyes have memorised the dents
on these four walls
that I could draw infinitely
on maps of this bare surface.
Pencils have worn out,
I'm running low on graphite
so my life decides to turn itself
into the same shade of gray
that I use to write about it.
Books are doors to another world
but their handles have broken,
"Help!" I screamed,
I am locked into this lonely reality.
A social life
filled with ghosts,
blank-faces,
and empty souls.
Nothing to give ,
Nothing to receive.
May 18, 2014
May 18, 2014 at 4:24 PM UTC