#innerchaos
his internal screams –
is the world’s external peace
the crash-out man…
breaks silently.
May 14
May 14, 2026 at 5:36 PM UTC
The saying goes "You are your own worst enemy."
Well my mind is the ******* ****** from "SAW."
It's trapped me within the confines of its own walls,
And everyday it teases me to get out.
The cynical little ***** knows **** well that I can't.
So she has me peel my skin off strip by strip until my nerves are exposed.
Daily I sit raw, in pain, and ready to end it all.
Salt is her favorite especially on the old wounds.
She pours it on thick and when I scream she proceeds to rub it deep in.
There are no "let ups" or "breaks."
Even in the attempt of dreams she is there.
Restless nights, restless days.
Endless torture.
How many times have I imagined putting a bullet through my head,
Or a knife through my heart?
She teases me with escapes.
Allowing me to imagine.
She quickly snatches it away with knowing I'll never be able to do it.
She's evil.
She has made it so I can't look at my own reflection.
She has distorted me.
She has destroyed me.
She has so deeply confused me.
Unhinged from birth, she makes me feel as if sometimes I'm going to explode.
I literally feel like my brain will explode.
It's her gift.
She makes me wish it would happen,
But she is too cynical for a quick ending.
She likes to pull it out.
Elongate it.
She feeds off of the pain and sufferring.
She would rather I sit here and saw off my foot with a rusted butter knife for nothing at all.
No easy way outs.
She's a crazy ***** that I have no control over.
She destroys me everyday.
Why do I destroy me everyday?
Sep 23, 2016
Sep 23, 2016 at 2:02 PM UTC
I gave up pieces of myself that I never found.
In the midst of being with you I am mourning what I never was.
I see myself and my invisibility and I just stopped trying.
I gave in to things that are less than me and became less of who I could have been.
I have shrank myself not because of you but because of who I allowed myself to not be.
I feel powerful and weak and capable and incapable all at once.
I am a mixture of confusion and loss of youth.
My heart has only ever beaten sadly.
Panic attacks have become common.
I don’t even recognize them but I feel like I am being swallowed whole.
I can’t crawl out of my skin, I am caged and I am claustrophobic.
I want to be happy. It’s all here but I can’t reach it.
I feel my heart wanting to burst and I am afraid of heart attacks and aneurysms.
But also wonder if that would be best.
Apr 20
Apr 20, 2026 at 4:17 PM UTC
No time to carry the weight of their hate,
No space to kindle bitterness within.
Here I stand, wrapped in my wounds.
No words to unravel who I am,
No need to cleanse the stains of their judgment.
Here I linger, lost in my confusion.
No understanding do I seek from souls,
No gaze of sympathy do I crave.
It’s only me and the chaos I kept.
Feb 10, 2025
Feb 10, 2025 at 8:28 PM UTC
Vacuous vessel...
My happiness won't fill me...
Of course, yours will do.
Mar 20, 2016
Mar 20, 2016 at 10:14 PM UTC