#inner-beauty
they say
that you are lazy
a glutton and a fool
no matter how you slice the roast
people can be cruel
I have a weight problem
have had all my life
on the yo-yo string of failure
folks, words cut like a knife
perhaps you saw my avatar
I was slender as can be
but now my weight is up again
and I cannot be me
unless I show my picture
as I am right now
I want you to see me
I want you to know
I'm as pretty now my friends
as I've ever been
my weight is not an issue
and it's not due to sin
I was on some heavy meds
Haldol and Xyprexa
so I'm a little overweight
I have a little extra
so check out my avatar
check it out and see
I may be a "weighty matter"
*but I'm still the same ol' ME!*
SoulSurvivor
(C) 6/9/2016
Jun 9, 2016
Jun 9, 2016 at 12:03 PM UTC
My mirror is covered in cracks and flaws, and some parts that make you look fatter, like a funhouse mirror, and it clings to dust and dirt and fingerprint smudges of oil.
But I don't replace it.
Because sometimes it's easier to spot the flaws in the mirror than to fixate on my flaw riddled body,
Flaws that aren't just skin deep,
The night is beautiful but deadly.
When you can't see, you have to find new flaws to detest,
It's addictive to beat yourself,
I'm in an abusive relationship where I don't mean to hurt me and I can't leave myself-
And there's some macabre satisfaction in the dependable breaking,
Like I know every night I will go to sleep hating the fact that I am still breathing,
There are memories haunting me from as young as ten,
Things that shouldn't still be repeating,
I can't work out how it just keeps accumulating,
Words spoken
And thoughts
And I don't know if anyone else feels sentences as deeply as I do,
And I'm running out of personality to stick pins into,
Trying to fix myself with voodoo
They say negative reinforcement is the quickest way to correct behaviour but I make the same mistakes
it's not okay that I constantly feel like I'm failing,
But life is more than a high-stakes game
And everyone's saying that all teenagers feel this way
But it's not reassuring to know that my generation is one of lost souls and hate.
And we're all really angry,
Whether it's because we'll be working till we're 90 or conflict left undated
Racism still exists and the Chancellor of Germany is getting called a ****
While anyone Asian is labelled Indian or ****
And eating disorders run rampant through the territory where anorexic girls get priority while the boy who binge eats is just called fatty.
And this is where I insert a statistic to convince you that we're unhappy but I refuse to be quantified just so I can mean something.
And it doesn't let up,
Compliments are uncomfortable and seeing good in yourself is arrogance, criticisms self pity
And you never know if they want to help you or just ensure that you understand the importance of conformity
It doesn't take much to convince someone you're okay.
There's not much you need to say
And if you can laugh then you're fine and we know no one checks the closets for skeletons because they're filled with people too afraid to come out of them
People accept 'fine' because they just need to know that they asked the question,
And besides, deeper questions get stuck beneath my skin.
And even when someone else compliments me I don't believe them,
Pushing away others cause I need distance,
Sometimes I feel sick from the level of enforced interaction but people only see the side they want to see.
When I told my friends about the time I struggled with suicidal thoughts they expressed their sympathies and it hasn't come up since.
Romanticising illnesses leaves me unsure if I am suffering or if I just want to be,
And part of me has to agree that diagnosis and its certainty would be better than the admission that life is just like this
You can't get better if it's something you can't fix
I don't think I'm broken but maybe I was made to the wrong specifications cause it feels like I am missing something but at the same time there is too much of me and not just physically
I am choking on the sheer volume of my past, present and impeding future
Trying to get it together
Told that it's okay if I don't know where I want to go
But in year 9 we picked our gcses which determined our a levels which determined our university courses which determine our career, if we even get there.
I keep finding new problems
I am still haunted by the old ones.
But I'll be okay,
Cause today
Someone told me to love myself.
Sep 13, 2015
Sep 13, 2015 at 5:17 PM UTC
I was talking to my little sister yesterday
She looked at me
And this is what she had to say
Do you think I'm pretty
Like those people on T.V.
Those fashion models
Business Mongrels
That walk the L.A. streets
The girls at school say I'm not
They say that I'll never be
They laugh, tease & taunt me
They make me feel small
They make me feel ugly, not wanted
And worst of all
They make me feel less like the girl you tell me I am
You tell me I''m pretty
Amazing in every way
But those girls the ones I see every day
They hurt me in a way that doesn't
Make me want to walk tall
Because I've heard it a lot
So much that I am beginning to feel
That I have no appeal to anyone
So I'll ask you again
Not as you being my sister
But my closest friend
Do you think I'm pretty?
I looked at her
I could see the pain of what those girls had done
I could see that my work was not yet done
So I smiled even though
I had tears in my eyes
I smiled to her
And to her I replied
You are beautiful in every single way
From now on I'll tell you every single day
I know it's hard but listen to me
Even though you may not want to
Don't listen to what those mean girls say
They know that you are pretty
They really do
They know you are pretty
And now you know it too
With those last words I saw a new light in her eyes
She smiled and straightened her back with pride
Say it I told her knowing she needed to
Just like she needed me to say it too
**I'm pretty she stated
I'm pretty she beamed**
I knew I had helped her self-esteem
I was proud and now my work was through
Feb 23, 2015
Feb 23, 2015 at 8:34 AM UTC