#impliedselfharm - Hello Poetry

dead dead dead don’t look at me like that don’t pierce me with your cruel eyes i don’t need you to see me like this cornered guts clenching with the cold hard guilt hiding behind a plastic smile dead inside i say to myself over and over “Everything will be alright” “Everything will be fine” but i’m hurtling through the dark murk with the blinders on can’t see dead dead i see my hands cold gray skeletal my thin wrists pale scarred though not so much as my legs (i try to hide my pain) i’m jumping from dream to shining dream i can’t stoop to smell the roses, though they are quite pretty i can’t make myself can’t take my half closed eyes off the haze for even a second i know you see me like this (as much as you can tell) and i don’t like it look elsewhere it’s none of your business anyway let me keep my own company of plastic smiles and dead eyes and the cold hard twist of the dagger of guilt in my stomach

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Jan 8, 2018

Jan 8, 2018 at 10:17 PM UTC

lady_grey1002

dead dead dead

dead dead dead don’t look at me like that don’t pierce me with your cruel eyes i don’t need you to see me like this cornered guts clenching with the cold hard guilt hiding behind a plastic smile dead inside i say to myself over and over “Everything will be alright” “Everything will be fine” but i’m hurtling through the dark murk with the blinders on can’t see dead dead i see my hands cold gray skeletal my thin wrists pale scarred though not so much as my legs (i try to hide my pain) i’m jumping from dream to shining dream i can’t stoop to smell the roses, though they are quite pretty i can’t make myself can’t take my half closed eyes off the haze for even a second i know you see me like this (as much as you can tell) and i don’t like it look elsewhere it’s none of your business anyway let me keep my own company of plastic smiles and dead eyes and the cold hard twist of the dagger of guilt in my stomach

40

I wonder what I’ll blame it on this time. Thorns in the woods? No… they’re too high up for that. Maybe I just tripped and fell? Nah. That’s just stupid What about the cat? … That might work They’ll have to heal and fade before I let my parents see them… I guess they’ll find out the truth sooner or later. I don’t want to drag them into this I don’t want them to treat me differently… I definitely don’t want to tell the therapist. But the way things are going… May end badly... If i’m not careful. Something needs to change, But I don’t want it to. I don’t want to see the disappointment and fear In their faces In their voices I don’t want them to treat me like i’m going to break at the slightest touch I don’t want them to worry about me They have enough to worry about. I just have to be careful, And maybe everything will turn out ok. I hope it will.

0

Nov 3, 2017

Nov 3, 2017 at 11:07 AM UTC

lady_grey1002

Treading Carefully

I wonder what I’ll blame it on this time. Thorns in the woods? No… they’re too high up for that. Maybe I just tripped and fell? Nah. That’s just stupid What about the cat? … That might work They’ll have to heal and fade before I let my parents see them… I guess they’ll find out the truth sooner or later. I don’t want to drag them into this I don’t want them to treat me differently… I definitely don’t want to tell the therapist. But the way things are going… May end badly... If i’m not careful. Something needs to change, But I don’t want it to. I don’t want to see the disappointment and fear In their faces In their voices I don’t want them to treat me like i’m going to break at the slightest touch I don’t want them to worry about me They have enough to worry about. I just have to be careful, And maybe everything will turn out ok. I hope it will.

27

I bite my cheek and pinch my arm In a place that mom cant see “Why are you so pissy today?” “You’re such a drag to be around when you act like this” She says “sorry” I say Instead of the retort that comes to my mind: ‘So are you on the days you’re mad, When you’re done with everyone’s **** But i know that will earn me an even bigger glare A clenching of teeth And a good ol’ grounding So i sit quietly brooding and fuming and say simply “sorry” sorry im not good enough for you sorry i have feelings unlike you sorry im not enough “How are you?” Asks my good friend via text “Pretty good hbu” i reply with vision blurred from tears The marks i clawed into my arm still burning “Dinner’s ready!” Yells someone upstairs “I’ll be up in a sec!” I reply Hastily pulling down my sleeve and wiping away the messy makeup around my eyes ‘Whelp’ I think to myself ‘I hope they dont notice’ They dont And if they do they dont mention it For which im grateful I dont feel like launching into a discussion that typically ends with me a blubbering mess Anytime we have that discussion anyway I know we need another one, But i just cant bring myself to reveal anything That might make them think somethings wrong with me So for now ill just Smile And keep saying “sorry”

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Sep 24, 2017

Sep 24, 2017 at 9:13 PM UTC

lady_grey1002

"sorry"

I bite my cheek and pinch my arm In a place that mom cant see “Why are you so pissy today?” “You’re such a drag to be around when you act like this” She says “sorry” I say Instead of the retort that comes to my mind: ‘So are you on the days you’re mad, When you’re done with everyone’s **** But i know that will earn me an even bigger glare A clenching of teeth And a good ol’ grounding So i sit quietly brooding and fuming and say simply “sorry” sorry im not good enough for you sorry i have feelings unlike you sorry im not enough “How are you?” Asks my good friend via text “Pretty good hbu” i reply with vision blurred from tears The marks i clawed into my arm still burning “Dinner’s ready!” Yells someone upstairs “I’ll be up in a sec!” I reply Hastily pulling down my sleeve and wiping away the messy makeup around my eyes ‘Whelp’ I think to myself ‘I hope they dont notice’ They dont And if they do they dont mention it For which im grateful I dont feel like launching into a discussion that typically ends with me a blubbering mess Anytime we have that discussion anyway I know we need another one, But i just cant bring myself to reveal anything That might make them think somethings wrong with me So for now ill just Smile And keep saying “sorry”

46