#honestyseries
"I don't know the first thing about love"
I've never known love that wasn't obligated
An " I love you" didn't cut my throat on its way out
That didn't either send me spiraling into panic
Or fleeing a million miles away from my own body
Nothing but love that trapped and silenced and burned
A love with wicked teeth and acid dripping from it's tongue
That seared me to the core and decided even that was worthless
"But they're family, you gotta love 'em, right?"
Now you stand before me
Saying you want nothing in exchange for your love
Just to be here, together,
But I can't
Can't stay until those arms become a cage
Can't wait for those hands to grab me when I run
Can't let the honey dripping from your lips sour and burn
Can't stand here smiling while I wait for the shoe to drop
Can't wait for that 'nothing' to become 'something' to become 'everything' and I just become a 'thing'
To you
And maybe that's not what love is to you
Maybe your love doesn't come with puppet strings or gleaming teeth that slice
Maybe the mere thought of this definition of love
Sends you reeling with anger and pity and revulsion at the injustice of it all
Maybe it scares you
Maybe it makes you rethink everything you've ever known
About this wild, loud, joyous being you're staring down
And maybe like I thought I'm both too much and not enough, broken and melted and rebuilt in a way
That I don't know the first thing about love
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 1:42 PM UTC
Sometimes I think that I'm free
That I've conquered the demons
And am on to bigger and better
Then something simple catches me off guard
"Where are you going?"
An innocent question from a friend
And it's fight or flight
Those words drag me back, back, back
And how dare I let such ordinary things get to me?
Why can't I move on like everyone else clearly did?
May 29, 2018
May 29, 2018 at 2:19 PM UTC
You tell me, "It doesn't have to be this way."
But it's the only way I get through another day
I'm a dreamer and a runaway
You locked me in, told me to stay
"Stay quiet, stay here, stay out of my way"
I'm not a doll in your "happy family" play
Ungag me cause I've got hell of a lot to say
You should have left this dog sleeping where it lay
Don't act like I'm the problem, dear
Just because I can't survive living here
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 6:26 PM UTC
Mother I cannot count on both of my hands
The number of times that I came to you
Asking for you to quiet my fears but instead you
Stole my words
Mother the number of tears I've cried
Is most likely still less than
The number of times I've come to you
With a problem or a worry and you
Made it about you
But Mother I remember when I told you
That I could not take this life any more
And you told me it was just a phase
And you left me to drown in the darkness
Alone
And Mother I recall clearly the day
When Father threatened to turn me
From house and home and you
Just stood there
By his side in silent agreement
And I guess that's the day where
The family house stopped being home
And you stopped being Mom
You might not have noticed it
I've called you many versions of mom
In varying languages
Because you're still a mom
But you're no longer mine
God knows how I wish you were because I miss my Mom
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018 at 12:06 AM UTC
You are strong, dearest love
And you say you are better
That those wounds do not hurt
Any more
But I hear the way your voice quakes
When you say the word home
And you are brave, soul of my soul
When you bare your heart before men,
Those who have silenced it all these long
Years
Because your wild, beautiful thoughts
Tear you within until set free, voiced
And I cry, too, beloved heart
When you say that you love them
Those that caged and beat you
Nonetheless
Because through blood and fire
Family is still family
Feb 9, 2018
Feb 9, 2018 at 12:56 PM UTC
Yes I am now free to become
That beautiful, vibrant person
With wide branches and a sturdy foundation
I can express myself
With gorgeous petals and soak in the sun
But often in creating deeper roots
I hit a rock
And suddenly I am back in that tiny planter
Crowded out and unable to find anywhere
To spread my leaves or the smallest patch
Of sunlight
And I have to remember that I am now
In a place that has no walls
I'm outside
And my roots are strong enough
That over time
They can break through rock
That I don't always have to
Tiptoe my way around those
That hold me back
That I can just
Be
Oct 24, 2017
Oct 24, 2017 at 11:56 PM UTC
Mother I am sorry
I know that you are weak
That you aim to please and
You aim for peace and harmony
Within your household
Mother I am sorry
I know that you are frightened
By things you do not know
And so you cling to your
Ignorance and hatred
Mother I am sorry
Too often you take offense
For things that are not about you
Because you do not understand
Your children's hearts
But mother I am not sorry
For taking stand against
Him who calls you wife
When he hurts you, hurts us
Because you should not allow it
And mother I am not sorry
For admitting who I am
And who I have always been
Even though I am broken
And much too heavy to hold anymore
May 5, 2017
May 5, 2017 at 10:16 PM UTC
I, a brave and naive soul ,
Was born into this wicked world
Wanting nothing more than
To become someone loved
And someone necessary
It didn't matter to whom
Or by whom this may be
And I soon learned that
That someone might not be family
Even though it broke me repeatedly
I learned quickly
About how my father
Is the mighty hero of the story
And I, as one of his lowly children
The lecherous, lazy villain
And my mother
His naive yet lovely maiden
Always quick to defend
Him, not me, not us her brood
Yet has the gall to say she is on my side
And somehow I wonder
How there is a part of me that still hopes
Still dreams of great things
Still reaches out in hope of more
Still believes that I can be cherished
How this villain can become someone's queen
May 5, 2017
May 5, 2017 at 10:06 PM UTC
Mother, I love you but
I hate it when:
You try to mend things as soon as they break
Nothing can be wrong in your perfect kingdom
Did you even consider that Humpty Dumpty
Could not be fixed? That maybe, just maybe
There was a reason he fell and a hug cannot
Change the fact that you just told him you
Hated him for loving the prince?
Or maybe you say that you are on my side
But the second the cavalry arrives
You immediately rush to the king's aide
And leave me with whiplash
As you wipe the yolk from your hands
"Oh my, what a terrible fall?"
Who do you think gave the push?
Feb 4, 2017
Feb 4, 2017 at 7:43 PM UTC
I don't expect you to understand
The need to go to extremes
Just to feel alive, something
Or the way her words take me
From cloud nine to decimated
I don't assume you'll know why
I suffocate after being inside too long
Yet I can't be tamed when outdoors
Why I never raise my voice when we fight
I just lose it instead
I don't want you to fathom why
I can't trust those I love anymore
And my confidant is you alone
Or if you get too close I run
Why being alone is always better
But if you'll listen you might start to
Feb 4, 2017
Feb 4, 2017 at 7:28 PM UTC
It's funny how when we are young
We're taught to be honest
Told that the truth is the best
By adults who deal only in lies
Because honestly they've learned
To fear the truth
And what do we get in return?
Panic attacks from (just thinking about)
how our parents will handle
precious, treasured truths that
we hold in our hearts and
giddily whisper to each other in the dark
with a sense of danger and adrenaline
Yet we can't help but want to share them
with each other, with adults, with the world
(look how beautiful and new and vulnerable it is
this truth that I've hidden in my heart)
Because we were taught to be honest
We long to be honest
But are afraid our precious truths will be tainted
By this society of lies
Created by people who say they love us and want the best for us
But if they really care that much
Then why
Why make it so painful to let you know
What we want the most
What we think is best
To share with the people we love what we love
Dec 29, 2016
Dec 29, 2016 at 3:38 AM UTC