#heartfailure
It was suppose to be a happy occasion,
I heard
A proud moment
I understood
For every soul linked to me
But I felt the opposite
Felt ashamed
Walking around
Limping,staggering
You could see from miles a way
I was deplicted in every sense
I was a coward I couldn't take the easy way out
So I bleed myself out in a noble way
A way that would allow another being a chance to live
And grant me more suffering
Maybe if I'm lucky my heart might decide to tap out
And I'll get to smile.
Mar 3, 2025
Mar 3, 2025 at 1:11 PM UTC
There’s a time in the heart
where all things go to rust
and to forget
is not the path
to forgiveness.
When one hand claps
the world falls down.
Little strings
old sheer tissues lob off and peel away
creating a raw clean mess
that can only be healed by a new love.
So for now
the heart only feels what it wants to feel
empty as a plastic cup.
Clear clouded calamity.
So far away is the future
murky as the waters that puff in the wind
away they go, singing out into eternity.
Oct 15, 2015
Oct 15, 2015 at 9:02 PM UTC
Everyday that goes by, his heart gets a little weaker. we used to joke that he didnt have one, now he actually wont.
his voice used to resonate through the house, rattling the walls and slamming the doors. we used to joke that we’d be better off if he’d run out of breath, now he actually does.
some days i try not to breath so i can feel what he feels when hes gasping for air. fear clogs my throat and blocks my vision. im not sure if its fear for him or for myself when hes gone.
ive been spoiled since birth, never having to put anyone before myself growing up, always getting my way. now i know what i want most of all out of everything in my life but the only response i hear is the yelling and stomping of my tantrum attacks, god looking at me and saying see you cant always get what you want.
In times of crisis i always retreat into myself, finding shelter in my thoughts and words. This time though, theres no solace in my mind, only panic and hopelessness making me want to escape. The voices get loud and they shout what if, what if, what if. A 50/50 chance isnt a lot to hang on to and everywhere i grasp my hand comes up empty. Trust isnt my strong point and i cant trust a possibility.
Im afraid one day ill get a letter titled “mesages from beyond” and each one will say “you couldve done better”.
Im looking for something like hope but every corner i turn is silent and dark. The quite used to relax me but now it surrounds me, all i can hear is the echo of my voice.
The fort i built around myself is crumbling at a fast pace, all my gaurds betrayed me leaving me when i needed them most. winning this war looks unnattainable by myself, how do you win when the enemy can only be defeated when the person you want to save is deafeated too?
The only letter i want to get is one saying “you did the best you could”.
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 5:42 PM UTC
I can’t stand that I can’t understand
Why my heart heaved its contents into your content hands,
Tearstains dripping through my fingers as we [danced].
I remember the days I’d [collapse] in crowded streets,
Because my heart would [skip] too many beats.
Then you’d [spin me], kiss my cheeks and whisper
Something sweet about my [feet’s] defeat.
But I knew then that I couldn’t [keep rhythm],
So I must’ve suffered from heart failure.
And once you left in October, and my soul was sober
Not drunk on my tears,
I would wonder what could’ve persuaded you to stay,
But once my heart attempted a [pirouette]
I no longer questioned my place.
.. I don’t know if you watched after that,
But I’m sure you saw the {snowprints} I’d leave in your yard,
My only way of telling you that I hated being my own {saving grace},
Because a {fallen angel} drops too hard.
But icicles hung from your eyelids that winter,
And splintered your vision.
Looking back, I believe you cried as much as I did,
And the tears froze across your eyes.
Because you never looked me in the eye as our minds ran to pieces
As we raced to find peace with ourselves.
You spun me for a loop,
My skull kissing paintball splattered remains of my left and right brain
As they bled all over themselves,
Knocking my sanity off of the shelves
In an attempt to explain whether love is history,
Or chemistry,
And I didn’t want to ponder the prospects
So paper was my band-aid fix all.
I wrapped my mind around it,
Concealed my soul beneath my words,
Until I was my own mummified form,
Too afraid to rip them off.
Because what if nothing had healed at all?
I rotted beneath my façade.
My smiley face band-aids the only hands of happiness that hugged me for
Months,
And I
Sunk
Into depression,
Not unlike this current recession,
Not knowing where my silver lining would be;
Wondering if it would come only when withered lines worked their way across my cheeks,
A gray hairline visible in the sun,
As proof my time had come,
To be happy.
But something better came sooner with the rains of May,
And a new boy painted smiles back onto my face.
Removing the bandages that had bruised my body,
And punctured the skin of my poetry.
So I was free to bleed again,
With fresh pieces to breathe in.
Was it happiness, or freedom that flushed my cheeks?
Or was it the uncomfortable spider that would weave my stomach in knots
As another part of me was lost
To the boy who painted my peace
For a price?
I didn’t mean to hand so much to him, love,
But a measure of pleasure came with a cost,
And at some point my beliefs were tossed to scatter in the wind,
And the spider of guilt in my stomach sunk its teeth right in,
Sadness seeping through my veins,
The venom of regret.
Because you were the only one who ever held all of me and none of me at the same time,
Who never asked for what I claimed to be mine.
All of me was yours,
Even the things you never asked for
Were stamped with your name for a future date.
But mail gets intercepted sometimes,
And my contents were spread
Before someone I hardly knew
And I-
Missed-
You…
Because you never asked for too much to touch or too much of my love
I loved you the only way I was able to.
And now…
I’m just a tainted tin can on the side of the street.
And I know you don’t have use for me,
But I’ll do my best to undo the dents of my past.
All I know is that yesterday you told me you hate it when I don’t say what’s on my mind.
But my tongue was a sponge that soaked up the ways that I’ve wanted to say
That I’m sorry.
And I’ve skipped my own beats for a year and a half,
Letting my turn to tell you I yearn for you pass
Right over
In an endless drum roll.
But-
I feel a –rhythmic- rattle-
In my –beaten-aluminum-body
As your footsteps
[Stop].
Please.
Don’t let me suffer for my heart failure.
Jan 1, 2013
Jan 1, 2013 at 5:42 AM UTC