#gender-fluid
They call me bohemian,
a lost intellectual
hidden with no ambition
A happy go lucky,
who hops and hits
like a river flowing downhill
A philosophical dreamer
with subjective absolutions
unrealistic surreal expectations
They see my eccentric fashion
the chic grease of mismatch
A happenstance of my day's mood
My mind is indigenous
My soul is gender fluid
A vessel of masculinity and femininity
One day, it's a skirt and blouse
The next is a bow tie and shirt
The other is a blend of two
A maverick in a world alone
I felt it all my life, the lack of connection
No motions with the convectional
Their whispers cannot be heard
I am done with biting my nails
Let them pull their hair with their noise
Their chitter and chatter complaints
As I gaze and talk to the floor
weary of their mediocre complaints
Jun 23, 2016
Jun 23, 2016 at 5:33 PM UTC
Washing over, it is a surprise
No noticeable trigger, even in retrospect
Nothing, and then BAM
A brick wall built in a moment as you step forwards
Hard to describe, my pen rusty from sitting tucked up in a drawer for so long
First I am me
Then me but not the same
How to define that inbetween?
Inconstant, shifting without warning
Dizzying to experience, shifts my emotions sideways
The one who laughs the loudest needs hope,
The one who is the rock needs stabilising
Or else TIP down as the little stones beneath shift around,
Down the cliff from the plateau
Leaving everyone else to cling to the rockface
How do I tell you that SHE makes me feel sick
When it had no effect yesterday?
It isn't he, nor always she, but neither ze nor they.
I am more than IT but less than she
How to tell you that she isn't me?
She was yesterday, the day before,
Today I am only me, as of 22:34
Tomorrow who knows?
But how to explain.
The battle of clothes.
Yesterday, curves accentuated
Today, too tight chest
Tool loose waist too tight hips
Nothing fits except the tears which spring to my eyes
Ever more easily.
Staining my cheeks, my sleeve sodden
I face the world and smile, laugh the loudest, help the most.
Nobody sees me crumble as i shift again,
Stagger slightly as it moves
Not back to where i once was,
But somewhere different once again.
My strength comes from me, but sometimes I can't help wishing I was an elder daughter, a big sister, an average teenage girl.
That girl who smiles and laughs as you walk by?
Who you are jealous of?
She needs help more than most
The very word she can be jarring
But SHE smiles.
That clever girl who goes to the Catholic all girls around the corner?
Who you are jealous of?
Stupidity and cowardice to not be herself lie beneath.
Buries herself in schoolwork
That beautiful girl sits at a nearby table?
The one you are jealous of?
Beautiful is a dagger in her heart.
For she is not she nor he
Only somewhere in between
It is you these 'girls' are jealous of
Apr 1, 2016
Apr 1, 2016 at 6:24 PM UTC
Some days you wake up with limbs that feel not quite right
Some days you walk around wanting to peel off your skin
Some days you dream about being something else
Something no one told you that you could be
And some days you don't feel like a displaced soul
And some days you don't feel like this skin isn't your own
And some days you even manage to own these limbs
But one day you walk into the wrong section and feel completely right
Apr 1, 2016
Apr 1, 2016 at 2:15 PM UTC
My mind is shattered
as emotion tries
to conquer all of
my being.
My mind is malfunctioning
as depression slowly
overtakes it and makes me
believe that I cannot
do anything
correctly.
My voice is lost
when I see you
leave
because I'm
not what you wanted.
You didn't want some
broken person who
cries when their gender
isn't what is considered
normal some days.
You didn't want some
sad person who
screams at everyone
when life gets
tough.
You didn't want someone
like me,
you honestly just didn't want
me
May 1, 2015
May 1, 2015 at 9:57 PM UTC