#funverse
some words go US Eng, some go UK Eng
so inside the word-dividing "[ ]" is the chosen sound
KIND OF A WA[ɔ]LKING...
EMITTER OF ENDORPHINS
INNER-LIGHT-EVOKING
VAU[ɔ]LT WITH
A FORMi̲DABLY ENORMOUS
INFINITELY RISING RESERVE OF
THRILLINGLY PO[ɑ]SITIVE EMOTIONS (wa[ɒ]nt some?)
THE EPITOME OF DELIGHT & ENJOYMENT
——————————————————————————
strolling through some au[ɔ]tumn spo[ɑ]ts
sa[ɔ]w some gyals
being dolorous
stole up o[ɒ]n 'em
once I'm close enough
I'm exploding
with that mind-blowing stuff
I've noted 'bove
ba[ɔ]wling "lit morning, quit mourning"
so ear-splittingly like my ***** just go[ɑ]t
torn apart
they, seemed to me, were in
total sho[ɑ]ck
unloading, giving 'em a[ɔ]ll I've go[ɑ]t
which got 'em a little overpa[ɑ]cked
each of 'em got a lethal cor atta[ɑ]ck
overdosed, they dro[ɑ]pped
on the ground like ja[ɔ]ws of cha[ɑ]ps
at the sight of girls with bo[ɑ]ds
that are smoking ho[ɑ]t
——————————————————————————
ALSO, TRULY HOPEFUL
BORN WITH LO[ɑ]TS
OF OFFERS OF EMPLOYMENT
IN TERMS OF MOVING FORWARD
THE MOTION'S NOTHING LESS THAN HURTLING
ALWAYS, EVERY MOMENT
MAINTAIN THE FIRST PLACE
IN A LIST OF POTENTIAL BOYFRIENDS
FOR GIRLS THAT
ARE INDECENTLY GORGEOUS
AND UNBELIEVABLY JOYOUS
lyrically, these word-co[ɑ]mbs
come close to what a ***** does
performing a *******
[once was told that I have 0 SELF-IRONY]
Feb 20, 2020
Feb 20, 2020 at 5:03 AM UTC
so King Lion
summoned us for a meeting
and King sat on his throne
and before he started
the King looked in my direction
and he roared:
*"Hyena - don't you dare laugh;
here in Council what we deliberate over
is no laughing matter"*
And I ****** in my pants
(in a manner of speaking)
and sat throughout the meeting
trembling in fear, as it seemed
to the King -
but also because I had to keep
my suppressed laughter
rocking in my tummy
throughout the meeting
Nov 3, 2014
Nov 3, 2014 at 12:40 AM UTC
it's woman power here
in the clans of the spotted hyenas -
the women are bigger and the males fear;
fathers are kind to daughters
so at least the daughters will be nice to them
so women really just give orders
and the male hyenas obey
with mirth and laughter
Did you take the garbage out?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Did you put the toilet seat cover down?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Have you mopped the floor?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Is dinner ready on the ground?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 1:21 PM UTC
I hate school
because teacher Giraffe is always
picking on me
in his high and lofty manner
He's always pointing at me
with his prehensile tongue
and snorting: *"Maybe you'd
like to stop laughing
and share your joke
with the rest of animal class?"*
But I don't know no joke;
I just laugh
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 6:16 AM UTC
I went to this meeting
(when I was a kid)
of hyenas;
and the ritual
consisted mainly of laughing
and they laughed and they laughed -
you know, and I just didn't get it
I demanded an explanation -
but no fellow-hyena could explain it
everybody laughs
nobody knows why;
and now I am an adult hyena
and I just laugh - *it's something to do
with survival, I think*
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 1:40 AM UTC
When I was a teenager
(like Dave Allen must have been)
I was at confessional
and the priest asked me what my sin was
*" I have been in bed, Father
with a woman
of loose morals,"* I said
and refused to give a name
He sighed and he said:
"Was it Anna Berley?"
I said I couldn't tell
"Was it Sue Saxton?" he persisted
I insisted I was sworn not to tell
"Nora Muxton?" he asked again
I remained silent
And he dismissed me then with
5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys
My mate Sam was outside
and he asked what I got
and I said to him:
*"5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys -
and 3 good leads is what I got"*
Jun 7, 2014
Jun 7, 2014 at 1:50 AM UTC
the woman came in
to our office
and my deputy took her statement
her husband had been missing
over three days;
and she handed in a photo
for identification
and she had a message
for her husband, faithfully recorded
by my deputy:
*"Come home, darling-
mother didn't come to visit after all"*
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 6:21 PM UTC
Look, we prosecutors in Law Town
we are so well-practiced
that if we set our minds to it
we can even put on trial a turkey sandwich
In fact
just last week we managed
to get a banana convicted of ******
sure, the conviction was overturned later on appeal -
but hey, the point is, we can skin anybody
Jun 5, 2014
Jun 5, 2014 at 9:09 PM UTC
For sure the woman
killed her husband -
she served him hot soup
mixed well with poison
But her defense lawyer wanted
to give her a chance
so maybe she could get
a few years instead of life
And so he asked her as
she stood in the box:
*“Mrs Tile, did you feel any remorse,
considering you killed your husband?”*
“Sure, I did,” said Mrs Tile
“when he asked for second helpings”
Jun 4, 2014
Jun 4, 2014 at 9:38 PM UTC
We had to camp out in the woods
my deputy and I, on duty
at the last Town Music Festival
and as we lay down
I said to my deputy:
"Deputy, tell me what you see"
And my deputy described the stars
and the moon and the heavens
with infectious passion and poetic intensity;
and the deputy spoke with feeling
of soaring heights and sublime elation -
and then with a triumphant air
he turned to me: *"Now it's your turn,
Sheriff - tell me what you see"*
And I said: *"Someone, deputy,
has stolen our tent..."*
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 10:38 PM UTC
Well, my deputy had been in the job
a month into it
and the deputy called me on the phone
from the woods nearby, on routine duty:
*"Hello sheriff – there’s a body here,
I just noticed, below a tree…he appears dead
What do I do?"*
"Well," I answered, with authority
*"Before we take things any further,
first, let’s ensure he’s dead -"*
And my deputy said:
"Hang on..."
And then my deputy was back on the phone:
*"OK, I just put 3 bullets in him
I’m dead sure he’s dead
What do I do next?"*
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 12:42 AM UTC
If plants can communicate
so can planets
and so two planets started talking
and one said: How are you?
And the other replied:
*I've got a medical condition -
the doctors say I've got
a serious case of **** sapiens*
And the first one replied:
*Oh, never you worry about that;
I had the same condition
and it didn't last long*
May 12, 2014
May 12, 2014 at 11:09 PM UTC
The kid next door
was in his garden
digging with a little *****
like he was burying something
"What you doing, kid?"
I asked earnest little Jerry
"You look like you're burying something"
"Yeah...." replied the boy
"I'm burying my goldfish"
"Oh," I said, with a condescending grin.
*"Mighty big grave
for a little goldfish, don't you think?"*
"Yeah," Jerry replied.*"That's because
my goldfish is inside your cat"*
May 10, 2014
May 10, 2014 at 5:10 AM UTC
Little Tony came running
to his Grandpa Billy:
*"Grandpa, Grandpa
can you make sounds like a frog?"*
And Grandpa Billy said:
*"Well, Tony...I reckon I could make
frog sounds if I tried"*
"Yes!" shouted Tony, radiating all eagerness
*"That's good. Now we can all
go to Disneyland, just as grandma said,
when you croak."*
May 9, 2014
May 9, 2014 at 3:58 AM UTC
My wife’s given me 6 children
and all we’ve known is each other
so I can’t but help feeling a little
that she’s old, so I started calling her
“Mother of 6” instead
of using her name
So at parties and gatherings
I might say: “Alright, Mother of 6 -
time to go”
Or I might introduce her to new friends as
“This is Mother of 6”
But she obviously can’t take
my humour any more...
last night
as I called out to her
(at the dinner hosted by our neighbors)
when it was time to leave:
“Mother of 6, time to go” -
she retorted just as loud:
“OK, lead the way -
O Father of 4!”
O how I hate people
who can’t take
a joke…
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 4:11 AM UTC
1
Gardener Moe
and Fishermen Joe
are at the pub
and Moe confesses
(his eyes shallow, and moist) -
he’s just lost his woman
“What happened?” asks Joe
his eyes as deep as the ocean
2
And so Moe groans:
*“Susan just left me
It seems I whispered
in lust all night
the name of my former lover Rosie
– so Susan’s left me”*
And Fisherman Joe leans forward
so he can be heard
and he shares his wisdom:
*“Even a fish, Moe, will not
get into trouble – if it know'
when to keep its mouth shut”*
May 6, 2014
May 6, 2014 at 3:43 AM UTC
INTRODUCTION
*someone's following you online here,
and you want to know why
Well, here's why...take your pick*
POSSIBILITIES
1)
Oh, I follow you because you look good
and though I never read your poems
I come back often
year after year
to see if you age at all
2)
you don't use your real name
you use a moniker or pseudonym -
and I'm just going by the desperate hope
you are Obama or Putin incognito
and you might give me asylum one day
if I'm outlawed by one or the other
3)
I'm in jail for life
and this is the only way I can stalk anyone
4)
I was hoping you'd reciprocate
and follow me too -
so why the hell don't you, hypocrite!?
5)
I'm your ****** boss in disguise
and I'm at this site keeping track
of how much office time you waste here,
you ****** loafer!
6)
I'm actually your wife
and I got a thing or two to say to you
about all those comments
you've written for the women here
Same old liar here and at home, aren't you?
Just wait till you get home...
7)
Well, I'm a ****** academic
who never gets creative
so I'm collecting all your poems
and I'll publish them in my name
and there'll be praise all round for me
as academic, and poet, and novelist too
(the novels I steal from my students)
8)
you scratch my back
I scratch yours
9)
Why do I follow you? -
but aren't you my mum?
You never taught me
to let go of your apron strings
10)
actually, it was a mistake, see
I was on my smartphone and I went
tap, tap, tap
and my index finger fell on "Follow"
and I'm too darned lazy to set it right...
that's how I ended up following you
11)
My cult tells me
the Messiah is here at this site
so I just follow everyone
in case it happens to be you -
it is you, isn't it?
May 7, 2014
May 7, 2014 at 6:07 AM UTC
Samuel walked up to his boss
and demanded in no uncertain terms:
*"You'd best give me a pay rise -
you might want to know
3 companies are after me"*
"Wow," said Samuel's boss
deeply impressed. "Which companies?"
"Oh," came Samuel's swift reply
*"The telephone, electricity
and water companies"*
May 5, 2014
May 5, 2014 at 1:44 AM UTC
I was watching TV
and the topic on the Geriatrics Show
was Life Support Systems -
you know, about how people are kept
on pipes and machines and tubes and liquid
and I hollered to my wife in the kitchen:
*“Darling, if ever I become life-dependent
on liquids and machines, just get rid of ‘em
and free me…”*
“Sure thing,” my faithful wife said
and she turned off the TV
and my cell phone and my laptop
and she emptied my bottles of wine and whisky
and then she turned to me and she said:
“I just freed you.”
Apr 27, 2014
Apr 27, 2014 at 7:14 AM UTC
Dad was dying, breathing his last -
would Mark be sad or glad?
Glad - why not? Since Dad’s
a multi-billionaire
and Mark’s the only child
and all things will go to Mark,
to no one else
Mark ’s happy the doctors
said it ’s anytime now
and he must make arrangements
so he asked his long-time,
indecisive sweetheart:
*“Hey, Helen baby – my dad’s dying
and I’ll inherit everything
So you got to decide now -
come home with me?”*
“Sure thing,” Helen said
as instant as noodles
And Mark and Helen got home -
and look, to make a long story short,
that’s how Helen became Mark's step-ma
And Mark’s sitting in the garden shed
still licking his wounds
Apr 23, 2014
Apr 23, 2014 at 11:54 PM UTC
B always felt incomplete
felt half
like something was always missing
so it consulted a psychiatrist who said:
“Try saying: ‘I am B and it’s good to B me!’”
But it only worked for eight days
B tried filling itself with liquor
and it did feel full
but it only lasted eight hours
it also tried reading all books
and tried Shakespeare too
especially the immortal lines:
“To be or not to be” –
But the elation, it only lasted eight days
and then at last
B saw 8 on the front door
and B knew why it’d always
felt incomplete
half
like something was always missing
and it coupled with a B
which was born the other way round
But soon the Alphabet Morals Police
came round
and separated them
so B was just incomplete again
And B sighed:
“Some things are just meant to B -
so just let it be”
Apr 17, 2014
Apr 17, 2014 at 11:47 PM UTC