#free-write
Having depression is hard.
It's days when getting out of bed seems
impossible, but you do it anyways
so you don't spend the day alone, left
to your toxic thoughts.
It's constantly battling yourself in
your head. Add that with anxiety and
every word that you speak, or is spoken
to you gets processed over and over again
until none of it ever makes any sense.
It's ruining your relationships because if
you don't hear 'I love you' a few times
you don't believe they love you at all,
it's questioning your worth and wondering
when they will get sick of it, and leave,
because they aren't ready to ride
the emotional roller coaster of your life
and they are already motion sick.
It's not just sadness like everyone thinks,
it's doubt, indifference, confusion, uncertainty,
and yes sadness, but mostly it's not being able
to explain to anyone how you feel because you
have no ******* clue what's going in your
own mind.
It's telling people you are okay because it's the easiest
thing to say and most people don't ask twice. It's
praying that when its hiding that it never comes back
and when it comes back that it goes away soon.
It's pretending that you don't exist, that you never existed
It's hoping someone will love you even if you
can't love yourself, you may never love yourself,
but always being taught that no one will ever love you
if you don't, so you push people away until they never look back
and question yourself why you are always alone.
Feb 20, 2016
Feb 20, 2016 at 1:22 PM UTC
I look up at the evening sky and it nearly brings me to tears.
I feel so small in the grand scheme. I could live to be maybe what?
100 years?
This insignificance is my reality.
I feel so small in a world so big,
in a universe unfathomable
and I don't know what to do about it.
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 8:34 PM UTC
I need something to give my mind a focus
and thus I write this nonsense.
These so called poems
with a hint of rant
and a bit of banter.
Smothered in self-sorrow.
Oh, woe is me.
So when the waves start crashing
I start typing.
The content can't be helped.
I just sit back and relax
let the keys click and clack
And focus.
Aug 13, 2015
Aug 13, 2015 at 3:15 AM UTC
It was a day like today when
I found myself nearly paralyzed
unable to move myself from my bed.
This existential depression is crippling.
Living like the dead.
I need a purpose, I need a reason
to continue down this path called life
but with out turning to hedonism.
But I have no real passions
I have no real hobbies.
I'm just sitting around waiting
stuck in purgatory.
If you've read my rants before you'll know of my nihilism.
And I've struggled to find the will to live for quite some time now.
I'm seeing several psychs and on a multitude of meds
that I will gladly abuse to try to transcend
to something greater.
Something more.
But this "instant-gratification" lifestyle can't go on forever.
Because money runs thin
and I hate running.
My lungs are filling up
and its with nothing healthy.
This low self-esteem feels like drowning.
Living like a problem not worth solving.
Each day passes, each the same.
Moving forward toward monotony.
Aug 12, 2015
Aug 12, 2015 at 9:20 PM UTC
If I am to go before you think I should,
bury me deep encased in wood.
If I am to pass on in my early years,
please don't cry for me, shed no tears.
Because it doesn't matter when,
it doesn't matter how,
it was bound to happen eventually.
My time just happens to be now.
Aug 11, 2015
Aug 11, 2015 at 8:45 PM UTC
I'm not afraid of dying.
Rather I find it annoying.
Because I need know what civilizations will be like in thousands of years
but I have no way of knowing.
The end of existence is much like before.
The quiet, peaceful-nothingness.
We are all heading towards.
This is the reality to which I'm confined.
A consciousness limited in body and mind.
Aug 10, 2015
Aug 10, 2015 at 3:02 PM UTC
There is a dip at the center of my mattress
from night after night of sleeping alone,
gravity, like the weight of loneliness,
has made it sink down.
If the day ever comes that I share my bed with another,
the dip in the middle will bring us closer together while we sleep.
As if I had to endure all the lonely nights just to sleep so close to someone.
I’ll keep waiting for that day,
and the longer I wait, the lower the dip gets.
Maybe one day I’ll find someone to share the dip in my mattress with.
Or maybe I should just flip my mattress.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 1:04 AM UTC
Four ****** down washed away with beer.
I can no longer live a life lead by fear.
Constant stress of just being awake,
when all I ever wanted was to just get away.
To start my life over, but it’s not that easy
when the mask you once donned has sunk its teeth in.
The walls I built around me to keep myself safe
have become this new fortress from which I can’t escape.
The sigil of the heart I once wore on my sleeve
has long since faded into a jaded, new me.
How foolish I was to think I could go back
to the person I was before I donned the mask.
I’m afraid I’ll do something I regret.
Like go AWOL, or just end up dead.
I try to hold on but the memories are fleeting
now all that I hear is my subconscious screaming
piercing my thoughts, no hope for peace
now all that I seek is some form of release.
A light pole at 80, just another crash.
Or the squeeze of a trigger for my brain to catch.
I’m tired of not seeing a reason
to see this life through yet another season.
Everyone dies, that fact remains true.
you may be happy living
but I’m not you.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 1:06 AM UTC
Clear your thoughts
like a break in the clouds.
Memories float by
until you’re left with nothing
but an open sky,
a star to wish upon,
a constellation to recall,
and the blackness to remind us
we are all so very small.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 1:08 AM UTC
Bow the **** down, get on your knees.
Pray for mercy, it's the reckoning.
The blackness is coming, its rolling in fast.
A torrential **** storm, my hate on full blast.
You've really done it now, time to reap what you've sown.
This is what happens when you leave me alone
to stir
and fester
giving me time to perfect my anger
towards you.
Look at your creation,
a ********* abomination.
Mar 15, 2014
Mar 15, 2014 at 8:38 AM UTC
I can fake my identity and try to look happy,
but its all just a cover.
Take a swig from the flask and remove the last mask
only to find another.
There was once a time when I knew myself,
but now I'm not so sure.
All semblance of self-worth lay eroding in the dirt,
and its all thanks to her.
It's not really her fault, I'm truly to blame.
I grew selfish out of fear.
Afraid of being alone, I couldn't let her go
and now she's nowhere near.
Apr 25, 2014
Apr 25, 2014 at 10:18 PM UTC
I've been called a nihilist.
And I've been called cynical,
and from the outside looking in,
my problems may seem trivial.
But inside the storm is raging,
emotions are flaring.
Maybe I'm overboard.
Waters are churning,
tossing and turning.
I'm overboard.
So the next time you cast your stones,
forgetting about introspection,
just know that happiness isn't simply defined
except by our own perceptions.
Jun 29, 2014
Jun 29, 2014 at 12:04 AM UTC
Sing your praises on high
to long since deafened ears.
Build monuments to your sins
of all the bloodshed and tears.
From cultures wiped out
on your righteous crusades.
Just like the Druids
your religions will fade.
There are no gods to save you,
no one to hear your pleas.
So unclasp your hands,
get off your knees.
People need saving
yet we sit idly by.
Whispering to the clouds,
waiting to die.
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 10:06 PM UTC
It's such a strange feeling.
I wake up and I feel I'm already dead.
I struggle through the monotony of each day
remembering what it felt like to be alive.
The world passes me by
but I take little notice.
There is nothing of interest happening here.
I catch glimpses of what I think is you,
it never is.
I feel like I'm already buried.
The weight of loss crushing me.
I can't wait to sleep again.
I close my eyes
because in my dreams I know I'm still alive.
And so are you.
Jul 9, 2014
Jul 9, 2014 at 4:39 AM UTC
If only this parking garage
was just a bit taller.
And if the ground below
was just a bit harder.
Maybe then I could make an impact.
Sep 17, 2014
Sep 17, 2014 at 3:09 PM UTC
While you're staring at rainbows, we're fighting off rain.
While we struggle to build walls up to keep ourselves sane.
So put em up
get those fists ready to go
because this world is a *****
and she doesn't take it slow.
Any chance she gets she'll hit you with that cheap shot.
Sometimes it seems like it never stops.
Eyes on the clock like I'm waiting for the end like
tick, tock,
tick, tock.
So put em up
get those fists ready to go.
Because we're stuck in this mess,
in this hell all alone.
The walls crash down when you think you've had enough.
But it's a marathon, not a race so keep that chin up.
Nov 17, 2014
Nov 17, 2014 at 7:15 PM UTC
It sounds ridiculous but only I feel productive when I'm doing nothing.
Sitting back, just relaxing.
Popping blue beans, burning bowls of green.
And just thinking.
Daydreaming about how things could have been.
How things could still be.
But how things will probably be.
Just close your eyes and let music be your guide.
Entire lives constructed and played out
in grand fashion. A world so detailed
I would rather get lost,
And never come back to this travesty of a society,
so raw and primal.
so human.
My world is so beautiful and yet so depressing
because it's what ours could be, but never will become.
Anything to distract me from this.
The 24 year old burnout grinding through school because there aren't many options left.
So where will I'll be in 5 years?
I wont.
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 4:50 AM UTC
You all think you hide it so well,
but beneath your facade is a story to tell.
You keep it buried, you keep it a secret
but those who look close enough will always be able to see it.
Your eyes don't shine like they once did,
it's like you've gone numb from the outside in.
Blank orbs staring off at the distance
constantly wondering if they too miss us.
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 7:45 AM UTC
If I keep wanting it back
I'll never move forward.
But once I've gone numb
its the monster I become.
You can call me a ******
You can consider me the epitome.
I have my head in the clouds.
But it's you looking down on me.
Dec 7, 2014
Dec 7, 2014 at 9:09 AM UTC
Don't call it a relapse.
Because I'm just getting started.
This next bowl of green goes out to all the brokenhearted.
I've been where you are
staring into the abyss.
Anything to fill the void
Always looking for the scripts.
I take a yellow for the blues
it'll kick in soon.
Feel the pain just fade away
and leave my mind in a haze.
This has become my every day.
I wish you all could feel this way.
Dec 10, 2014
Dec 10, 2014 at 7:00 PM UTC
Ask me how I know it's cold.
Because this body of mine feels so old.
Eyesight poor, I'm nearly blind.
Pedestrians are just speed bumps when I drive.
I'm only 24 but I feel 99
The curse of someone ahead of their time.
Ask me how I know it's colder.
I can hear the squeaking in my shoulder.
Post torn labrum, the scars still remain.
As the temperatures fall, my joints start to cling
onto to anything they can, but winter isn't easy.
Once you begin the descent the slope stays slippery.
Dec 12, 2014
Dec 12, 2014 at 6:51 PM UTC
Headphones.
Always something
bumping loudly
Because I hate the sound
of myself breathing.
Nothing to do with living or dying
every time I say I quit, turns out I'm lying.
Smoke a pack a day.
And add some green in.
My breaths grow more shallow
because I've gone off the deep end.
Dec 13, 2014
Dec 13, 2014 at 11:14 PM UTC
Take a rip and pass it around
Because you know what's up
when this **** goes down.
They call me an *******
But what's wrong with wanting to be the king of the castle?
So when I step into my zone
you better not get caught.
Because you know nothing
of the battles I've fought.
Blood and tears spilled over the years.
Scars.
Stitches.
Burning bridges.
All the result
of wrong decisions.
So take a rip and pass it around.
because it picks me up,
when I'm feeling down.
Dec 14, 2014
Dec 14, 2014 at 10:01 PM UTC
These words just come into my head
and flow out through my fingertips.
I'm struggling to write it all down
in between these **** rips.
Like waves crashing
it's overwhelming.
And when your head is full
it feels like drowning.
So pass it around
and come join me in the clouds.
Get a bird's eye view
on the storm, looking down.
The thicker the clouds, the clearer the mind.
Just make sure to open your eyes
Look all around you and take it all in.
Because it isn't too long before you're drowning again.
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 4:01 AM UTC
Like a thousand nights before I'll sit here
with music in my ears.
Thinking of you, what could have been...
What should have been?
No, if it should've than it would've but it wasn't, so **** it.
But I can pretend.
I can imagine,
I can dream.
My thoughts drift away and suddenly I'm someone else
in a land far away, living a different life.
Slowly events unfold of stories untold
and I'm lost living a life inside.
Behind my eyes I've lived hundreds of lives
with no one to judge me but myself.
Yet you're here to make another appearance.
No matter how far I run,
I just can't get away.
So, here we are again.
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 9:46 AM UTC