#farts
My nose hairs-you know that their all singed...
My nose hairs-I picked up way to much wind...!
Why don't you pull my finger? Why don't you pull my finger?
Why don't you pull my finger? Why don't you pull my finger?
This strange thing is-it's a real nostril stinger.
You know this means-a smoked out phantom will linger!
Why don't you pull my finger? Why don't you pull my finger?
Why don't you pull my finger? Why don't you pull my finger?
Nov 20, 2025
Nov 20, 2025 at 2:55 PM UTC
A thunderous crack
Echoes in the night.
A monstrous sound
Splitting my eardrums.
****** impure poison…
And it’s funny.
Aug 25, 2022
Aug 25, 2022 at 8:44 PM UTC
Whenever you ****
Just think about all the things
That you ate today
Aug 14, 2020
Aug 14, 2020 at 2:30 PM UTC
Gas at the zoo
they can't prove
it was you
Jul 19, 2019
Jul 19, 2019 at 7:08 PM UTC
Flatulence breeds laughter
Come smile with me, as I sing you a song;
About God's little gift, to every man.
For we all like to laugh and forget all our worries
And we all like to laugh, whenever we can.
At a worldwide problem which just can't be solved;
Of epidemic proportions, it affects us all.
It's the funniest thing known, but embarrassing too;
But the louder the funnier, as long as it's not you.
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
It's a stinky little number and it came from my ****
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
It's a stinky little number written straight from the heart.
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
It's a stinky little number and it came from my ****
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, lahh!
Who dropped that off? Who left us a present?
Who smells that bad? Come on! Who the Hell is it?
God **** that's bad, something smells like it's died.
You filled my lungs with a sickness, you brought a tear to my eye;
You made me wish I was a dog and I had no nose,
Then when you'd tell them of my story,
They'd say how does he smell?
(shout) AWFUL!
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
It's a stinky little number and it came from my ****
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
It's a stinky little number written straight from the heart.
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
It's a stinky little number and it came from my ****
It's flatulence! It's one big ****
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, lahh!
Well it's time to end this song,
With no more bad **** jokes in sight.
It's time to wander on,
With just a trumpety, trump; goodnight.
(C)2005 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Sep 3, 2018
Sep 3, 2018 at 5:50 AM UTC
the universe is a big ********
that farts electro-magnetic x-rays
that can only be smelled by a
another universe that is a giant
nose;
"This is telling us the black hole
feeding rate is controlling the
strength of the jet it produces,"
Pasham said in a statement.
"A well-fed black hole produces a
strong jet, while a malnourished
black hole produces a weak jet
or no jet at all.
This is the first time we've seen a
jet that's controlled by a feeding
supermassive black hole."
"We know that the radio waves
are coming from really energetic
electrons that are moving in a
magnetic field — that is a
well-established process,"
Pasham said. "The debate has been,
where are these really energetic
electrons coming from?"
One possibility is that, in the moments
following the stellar explosion, a shock
wave moves outward, energizing the
plasma particles and causing them to
emit radio waves.
Let's say the universe is a stinky tail;
who would want to be next to a black
hole farting & burping through space
& time & stinking up all known being
what God the Father's nose is waiting
around for a single eruption or many
that wafts through the room when his
***** cuts loose something akin to an
atomic bomb on a supermassive scale
what God the father indeed; what son
pulls his finger to get the cosmic joke
Mar 21, 2018
Mar 21, 2018 at 9:42 AM UTC
If Superman farts
And
His cape is set afloat
Then it is appropriate
For Indians to sing
The retro Bollywood
Peppy number:
***"Hawa Mein Udta Jaaye
Tera Laal Dupatta Malmal Ka
** Tera Laal Dupatta Malmal Ka!
** Ji! ** Ji!"***
As the song means:
***"It flutters in the wind,
Your red muslin scarf,
Oh your red muslin scarf!
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!!"***
Jan 7, 2018
Jan 7, 2018 at 8:17 PM UTC
After the break-up,
I was
Grossly deflated;
Without the air to sigh,
I flatulated.
Jan 26, 2017
Jan 26, 2017 at 11:04 AM UTC
Whilst walking down the street
I heard a thunderous tweet;
'Twas a straining little bird
Who couldn't pass a ****
The little thing was constipated,
Its **** wide dilated;
Tweeting loudly in mid-bog,
Trying to eject a log.
I observed with sympathetic heart
As it trumpeted out a ****
Straining, chirping loud and long,
Letting off a foul and noisome pong.
I watched for nigh an hour
Its display of **** power;
Then a final intestinal pump
Produced a huge great steaming lump:
A mighty ball of faeces
(a giant of its species,
and total bumhole splitter
which shattered its feathered *******
Sep 23, 2015
Sep 23, 2015 at 4:44 PM UTC
I know a very old art
that is close to my heart
those who don't get this are too smart
It's difficult from the start
but very easy to impart
like a careless whisper or a bogart
A beauty that rhymes with ****
To some, it's music of Mozart
sadly to most, it's ugly as a wart
but who cares, let them dart
it's way out of their charts
for you and I will never be afart
Jun 23, 2015
Jun 23, 2015 at 12:09 PM UTC
One of the famous "Barry Hodges Memories" sequence
People think that Waterloo is a fascinating battlefield,
Relatively near to Brussels (where the sprouts come from
and, which are, as you know, a great cause of **** fart-gas).
But believe me there is more to it than that:
As I was wandering around checking out the graves
And generally having quite a nice time when...
A load of drug-crazed German bikers appeared
Sky-high on excess intake of moules avec pommes frites
And several gallons of extra-strong Belgian beer.
And they leaped on us and bashed the living ****
Out of my poor 99 year old mother-in-law, Deidre,
And left her lying there spasticated on the battlefield.
And for what, a few lousy packets of French cigarettes;
And I needed a metal scoop to rescue her remains to take home;
Dear God, I shall skip any more 19th century champs de guerre.
Dec 16, 2014
Dec 16, 2014 at 7:47 AM UTC
Why do poets always talk about the ocean's waves,
about their single file march to shore,
and yet never talk about my grandmother's farts,
which arrive in time, one after the other, with equal
regularity?
Are these poets too holy to comment on anything
less than nature's flashiest gestures?
Are we going to spend another millenia searching
for meaning in sunsets and waterfalls?
Or will we finally turn our ear to Grammy's ****
and away from all that pretty stuff,
and hear that foul, muted trumpet sing,
marking the end of an era?
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 18, 2015 at 4:45 PM UTC
My love for you was like a ****
I did something on an empty stomach,
And what resulted had no substance.
(Also: love stinks.)
Feb 3, 2015
Feb 3, 2015 at 11:19 AM UTC
An Englishman once visited Rovinj
Whose name was Sebastian Gorringe;
He ate so much fruit
He blew out a poot
Which smelled quite strongly of orange.
Dec 8, 2014
Dec 8, 2014 at 1:50 PM UTC
Ach so! thou much-praised and lauded Milwaukee,
Thou delightful Wisconsin Stadt of boundless pulchritude,
Verily hath History endowed thy blessed name
With the noisomely beery breath of immortality!
And thank the benign Almighty in highest Heav’n
That thy delectable streets and arboreal squares
Doth remain heretofore untouched by unseemly civic strife,
Despite thy renown as veritable midwife to Sewer Socialism!
Yet, tear-inducing recollections have I of this dwelling-place
And herewith followeth heart-rending remembrances
Of what transpired when I inveigled a plump young Mädchen there
For a brief sojourn of untrammelled concupiscence.
Alas, alack, after gorging her impetuous appetites
On a gargantuan repast of mitteleuropäische delicacies,
Methinks her poor heart gave up survival’s uneven battle
And, warbling a soft piffero-reminiscent sigh, she expired.
‘Twas too tragic thus to depart this happy welkin in mid-prandials,
Emitting a final flatus, sweet adieu, from her rearmost aperture,
Leaving me, her poor forlorn swain, bereft and solitary,
Faced with mine host’s request for instant monetary rendition.
From that naughty place of my bereavement fled I,
Clutching to my ***** the contents of her silken purse,
Determined to partake in untrammelled ***** licence elsewhere,
Ere the chanticleer’s dawn croak wake the inebriated citizens.
Dec 5, 2014
Dec 5, 2014 at 12:21 PM UTC
It was just another ordinary day at the Pub.
I as always at the helm tending bar hitting on hamsters and making crude jokes that usually walked the line and got me banned from a site that I was a living legend on.
Remember kids there is no Hello without Gonzo.
Hey Gonz you really need to do something bout the restroom some nameless bland writer that I probably liked cause I thought she looked hot said to me as she walked towards the bar.
What is somebody jerking off in there again ****** !
I swear creative ******** sure are a frustrated ***** bunch.
Just then a old man walked from the restroom .
Granddad what did I tell you bout using the restroom?
Huh the old man replied with that look of who the hell am I am what the **** is this ***** behind the bar saying .
Yeah I get that look a lot .
Granddad !
Huh?
What's that ?
He replied again as he staggered to the bar smelling of whiskey and **** yeah almost like Lindsey Lohans new perfume ode to a ***** well minus the ******* and bitter smell of a burned out former child actress.
What's that your saying?
The restrooms father time what did I tell you ,there strictly for paying costumers go use the alley where I keep your house slash cardboard box .
Oh yeah and by the way you still owe me rent duh just cause your old and related to me doesn't mean you can just sponge off me who do you think you are some washed up drunken writer who haunts a nearly dead website like some strange perverted ghost ?
Hey did you hit the blood bank you old ****
But son they told me I can't go twice in a week or I could die!
Look old man if you cant do that then you better hit the street start jerking off truckers I swear it was good enough for grandma you lazy **** .
I swear you give a semi senile old **** a spacious alley and wonderful box to live in as you take his social security and this is thanks you get.
Oh well least when he passed I can still collect his checks I'll just keep him in the walk in box nobody will know the difference .
Hey ******* don't talk to that nice old man like that.
A voice Interrupted me as I was about to remind father time he needed to sign his check duh how else do you think I fund the bar?
You really are a ***** Gonz you should be ashamed off talking and treating that nice old man so terrible.
I couldn't believe the gull of this women and although I was slightly distracted by her ******* I had to keep focused cause this story had to end some ******* time .
Miss first off may I say welcome to the Pub and you have a great rack.
***** you perve ! , She said in her angry yet I could tell she secretly wanted me cause I'm a totally delusional egotistical ******** writer who is really long winded and enjoys cheap laughs and even cheaper hookers but only in moderation like Jesus kind of sense .
What to much?
Well you haven't read **** yet kids .
Miss I realize you may view me as a totally kickass writer and dude that you secretly want to have a goodtime in the backroom with .
Drop dead **** ! the woman replied .
Yeah I could tell I was wearing her down.
What gives you the right to treat this old man so cruel?
Duh cause he's my family silly woman and it's not like I'm cruel to him
in fact I treat him great don't I grandpa?
I haven't eaten in four days .
The old man replied .
You poor old sweetheart the woman said as she put her arms around the old man as he began to cry what a total ***** .
It's okay I'll get you some help .
Oh thank you so much your such a nice lady .
What the hell !
I herd the woman say in a semi state of shock as she realized in her effort to comfort grandpa he had grabbed a handful of some tight **** .
Get your hands off me .
The woman shouted but grandpa was stuck to that women like a tight pair of jeans .
Come on sweetheart give pop pop some love.
The old demented ******* said.
***** this the woman said as she drove her knee about five miles into the old fart's junk.
The old man fell to the floor as all five of the regulars laughed and the dudes had to cringe .
You people are all insane ***** this place she said as she walked out the door .
The old man climbed the barstool in the woes of agony a frustrated climber trying to hit the peak of that really tall mountain that I cant recall it's ******* name oh yeah Adele .
Give me a ******* whiskey and a ice pack you little *******
I swear pops that act never gets old you alright?
I said as I poured the old ***** a strong one and handed him a steak.
What the hells the steak for ?
Duh the swelling ******* besides we got to thaw it out anyways
somebody ordered one from down the street and would it **** you to shave I'm just saying the owner of the site really already dislikes me enough already.
Yeah you kids are ****** up with your cellphones and computers and your shaved ***** give me the old days where men were men and weren't afraid to be men and smell like men not French ******
speaking of ****** dam I miss your grandma .
Yes the Gonzo clan it's so great to come from such a long line of misspelling drunken ***** loving perverts .
You know pops maybe we need to pick a new scam to run on the yuppies I don't think you can take to many shots like that anymore.
Hey are you saying I'm old ?
Well when the first boat trip you ever took was on the Mayflower I'd say so gramps .
Well did that order for the steak include any seafood?
No why?
I replied as I poured me and the old man another.
Well cause it looks like there getting some ***** with there steak.
Fin
Stay crazy hamsters
Gonzo
Nov 7, 2014
Nov 7, 2014 at 1:29 AM UTC
I heard the world's loudest **** today
It echoed round the town enough to say
*"I am a **** of great renown and fame,
I am a **** who's worthy of the name
Of* KING of FARTS!" Unthinkingly I sniffed
And, let me tell you, I have never whiffed
Aught so potent, dank and dread and foul
Blasted out from heaving human bowel
As that king of farts I smelled today
And which took my ******* breath away.
Who was the pumper of that putrid beauty?
How many curries in the line of duty
Had he consumed? It must have been a man -
No pong so strong ere blew from female can.
Can no one answer yet my urgent question:
And say who suffereth such dire indigestion?
O heavens! his torment must be something chronic.
Can no one subsidise a high colonic
Irrigation to prevent another
Noisier and more noisome than its younger brother?
Nov 5, 2014
Nov 5, 2014 at 7:34 PM UTC